by Maggie Wells
Candace felt a pang of envy. “Wow,” she said. She was stunned. Where I used to be the chosen one, now Sara was Daddy’s favorite? The world had tilted on its axis. “We’ll miss you—me and Matty.” And then realizing how selfish that sounded, she said, “No, really, that’s great. Do you want me to help with your applications?”
Sara’s face lit up. “That would be great! Thanks!” She jumped up and gave Candace a hug. “I was hoping you’d be happy for me.”
“Of course I’m happy for you,” Candace said. “Where else are you thinking of applying?”
“My basketball coach said I might be able to play for UConn or Stanford, but I really don’t want to play Division I. I would spend all of my time traveling. I would miss a lot of class and have to take my tests on planes and buses. I’d rather play Division III so I could have a fairly normal social life. So I was thinking Tufts or Oberlin. But my dream is to be a coach and a trainer so I need a good phys ed/physiology program—that’s why Ithaca would be my first choice.”
Candace had stopped listening. When Sara left for college, Matteo would be going on two—he would already be talking and walking. She tried to imagine her life as a single mom: dropping Matty at daycare, riding the bus to UMass, working a part-time job—somewhere near campus, she guessed. What about dating? Mommy’s words echoed inside her head. You’ll be thirty-six before your life will be your own again. Sara had her whole life ahead of her. Look how excited Sara is, Candace thought. Where would I be right now if Matteo had never been born? What would I be doing? She tried to imagine what spring felt like on the Princeton campus, walking to class with her dorm-mates, studying late into the night in the library. Prepping for midterms, right about now, she guessed.
What if she had given Matty up for adoption? She would probably just be recovering from the postpartum hormonal adjustment and struggling to lose the baby weight. She’d be wondering what her son was doing—in whose arms was he snuggling, who was he greeting with those sweet smiles? She couldn’t bear the thought of not being with him every waking moment and watching him develop and change before her eyes.
And the pregnancy had been good to her. She was finally the skinny girl of her dreams. Having shed her baby weight plus that pesky twenty pounds, her thighs no longer rubbed together. Instead, now she had become the annoying lady with the stroller who made everyone on the bus wait until she had boarded and then blocked the aisle.
Gazing at Matteo, her wild child, with those crazy curls, humongous green eyes and goofy grin, she thought ahead to all the years of skinned knees and snotty noses, Little League games, and scout meetings. What about soccer? She supposed Danilo had played soccer—she just assumed every kid in Italy played soccer.
She would teach her son to say please and thank you, how to dance and sing, how to ride a bike. And later, how to drive. There would be tears and laughter, crushes and breakups, triumphs and defeats. Then the ultimate heartbreak would come when her little boy would leave her and go off to live a life of youthful freedom and independence that she would never know.