Clearing his own apartment had been a far weirder experience. The enormity of what he was doing only struck him when, after two days and a lot of overtime from engineers kitting out an office space in the house, he finally closed the front door on the outside world and joined her in the kitchen for their first meal as… a couple living together.
It had felt like a massive step but he had made sure to conceal any trepidation from her. He knew that she remained wary and hesitant and pregnancy appeared to have made her unpredictable. It happened. He knew. He had surreptitiously bought a pregnancy book and had read it cover to cover. He now felt equipped to start his own advice column.
‘James… do you think you could get here?’
‘What’s wrong?’ Few people had his private cell number. He had felt his phone vibrate in his pocket and her name had popped up. Immediately he had silently indicated to the assembled financiers that they should continue with the meeting and he had left the conference room. When she had started working at the little publishing company that he had inherited as part of the much bigger takeover package, Jennifer had never contacted him. She had quit two weeks previously and not once had she called him at work, even though he had repeatedly told her that she was more than welcome to interrupt his working day.
If the tone of her voice hadn’t alerted him that something was wrong, the mere fact that she had called would have.
An emotion shifted into gear that he almost couldn’t recognise. It was fear.
‘I’m bleeding… I’m sure there’s nothing to worry about—’
‘I’m on my way.’
Jennifer lay back on the sofa with her legs raised and tried to stay calm. Looking around her, she took in all the small touches she had introduced to the house that had very quickly felt like a home. The vases filled with flowers picked from the garden, the framed photos on the mantelpiece, the ornaments she had picked up from Portobello Market a couple of weekends previously. She wasn’t entirely certain that James even noticed them and she hadn’t wanted to point them out.
She had been gutted when all talk of marriage had been dropped so quickly. Had he been relieved that that final act of commitment had been avoided? Living together was so different and, of course, she had no one but herself to blame for not grabbing his marriage proposal when it had been on the cards.
Not that she regretted it. She still believed that without love a marriage was nothing more than a sham and yet…
Hadn’t he been just the perfect partner ever since they had moved in together? She constantly told him that there was no need for him to treat her as though she could break at any given moment, and yet hadn’t she loved every minute of it? Hadn’t she begun to hope that the love he didn’t feel for her might begin to grow from affection?
And now…
Jennifer didn’t want to think that she might lose this baby. She wished that she had paid more attention to those dizzy spells she had been having off and on. If she lost the baby, then what would happen to her and James? It was a question she didn’t want to think about because the answer was too agonising to deal with.
She closed her eyes and kept as still as possible but her mind continued to freewheel inside her head, irrespective of her desperation to keep it under control. She had already invested so much love into this unborn baby. How would she cope if anything happened?
She sagged with blessed relief as she heard the sound of James’s key being inserted into the door, and he was in the act of removing his jacket as he pushed open the sitting room door and strode towards her, his face grey with worry.
‘I shouldn’t have bothered you—’ She smiled weakly as he snapped out his mobile and began dialling.
‘And hurry!’
‘Who have you called?’
‘The doctor.’
‘I panicked. I’m sorry, James. I’m sure all I need is a bit of rest.’
James knelt down next to her and slipped her hand into his. ‘You’re not a doctor, Jen. You don’t know what you need. Gregory is the top guy in London and a personal friend of the family. I asked him whether I should get an ambulance to take you to hospital but he said that he’ll give you the once-over first. You scared the hell out of me.’
‘I didn’t mean to.’
He asked her about her symptoms, detailed questions to which he produced a series of clinical answers, and she smiled when he confessed to the pregnancy book languishing in his briefcase.
‘A little knowledge is a dangerous thing, James.’
‘Why didn’t you tell me sooner that the giddy spells hadn’t stopped?’
‘I didn’t want to worry you. I didn’t think that there was anything to worry about…’ And besides, she could have added truthfully, she hadn’t wanted to rock the boat. She hadn’t wanted to face up to anything that might cast a shadow over the picture-perfect life they had been living for the past few weeks. Except uncomfortable questions couldn’t be put to bed by ignoring them and they were out of the box now, demanding attention.
‘I know you’re going to tell me that this isn’t the right time to have this conversation, James, but—’
‘It’s the right time.’
Jennifer’s eyes fluttered and she felt her heartbeat quicken.
‘You don’t know what I’m going to say…’
‘I do.’ He smiled crookedly at her. ‘Do you think I don’t know you a bit by now? Whenever you want to broach a delicate topic of conversation, you lick your lips for courage and begin to play with your hair.’
‘I didn’t think you noticed stuff like that.’
‘You’d be surprised what I notice.’ About you. ‘You won’t lose this baby.’
‘You can’t say that and what if I do?’ There. It was out. She closed her eyes and calmed herself by taking deep breaths. Deliberately, she stuck her hands by her sides and fidgeted with the baggy tee shirt she was wearing.
‘Then the time is right for us to talk about what happens. Before Gregory gets here. Stress isn’t good for you and I don’t want to stress you out but I need to say something.’
Jennifer looked at him with resignation. She wanted to put her hand over his mouth and hold the words back but he was right. He needed to tell her that their arrangement would not survive a miscarriage. The stress of hearing it would be a great deal less than the stress of lying here pretending that everything was just fine. And if she didn’t lose the baby, then it would be good to know the next step forward. She realised that through the happiness and joy of the past few weeks, there had remained a poisonous thread of doubt that things would continue the way they were for ever more. That just wasn’t how life worked. Now, he would put a face to those doubtful shadows and, yes, there would be disappointment all round, because their respective parents had accepted the situation and given their full support, but life was full of disappointment, wasn’t it?
‘I know that sharing this house with me probably wasn’t what you had in mind when you realised that you were pregnant. You were only just coming into your own and suddenly… fate decides that it’s time for you to have another learning curve…’
‘What do you mean coming into my own?’
‘I mean—’ he sighed heavily and raked his fingers through his hair ‘—you’d led a sheltered life and then you go to Paris and return a changed person. You’re sexy as hell and you’re on a journey of discovery.’
‘I hadn’t realised that I was that adventurous.’
‘You fell into a relationship with me to fulfil some youthful infatuation but I know you still want to get out there and discover what the world has in store for you.’
‘I do?’
‘Of course you do. You said as much when you told me that I was unfinished business. Unfinished business comes to an end eventually.’ He looked away, his broodingly handsome face flushed. ‘I guess I maybe ambushed you when I suggested we live together… You’d already turned down my marriage proposal. I’ll admit that there was a certain amount of blackmail involv
ed when I suggested that we live together. How could you turn down marriage and turn down the other reasonable alternative on the table without appearing utterly selfish?’ He threw her a challenging look.
‘It was a good idea,’ Jennifer murmured, heart beating fast.
‘And it has been… hasn’t it? Good?’
Jennifer nodded, because it required too much effort to try and work out how much of herself she should give away. Should she tell him that it couldn’t have been better? He had been affectionate, supportive, reassuring and, as she had always known, wonderfully funny and entertaining. He had returned from work early so that she could put her feet up while he had cooked. He had put up with Ellie coming round every few days and had only given her the occasional dry look when her best friend had launched into colourful stories about her love life. He had indulged her sudden taste for soaps on television and brought her cups of tea whenever she wanted. She had been spoiled rotten and that was the problem. It had felt like a real relationship. But there was no ring on her finger and she was now terrified that if there was no baby to provide the glue that kept them together, it would all come crashing down around her ears. Had she been too greedy in holding out for perfection?
‘I’m going to tell you something, Jennifer, and it may shock you but it needs to be said before Gregory gets here.’ James looked at her and felt the ground shift under him. He had always been able to predict the outcome of the things he did and the decisions he made. But then, his biggest decisions had always involved deals and business. He had come to realise that, where emotions were involved, there was no such thing as a predictable outcome, which made it a hell of a lot scarier.
Jennifer braced herself for the shock. She reminded herself that it was better to get it all out of the way.
‘If you lose this baby—and I don’t think for a minute that you will. In fact, you’re probably right, there was probably no need to get Gregory over at all, but better safe than sorry—’
‘Just say what you have to say,’ she told him gently. ‘Between the two of us, I’m the only one allowed to babble when I’m nervous.’
James opened his mouth to tell her that he wasn’t nervous, that nerves were a sign of weakness. Except he was nervous.
‘Whatever the outcome, I want to marry you, Jennifer. Okay, I’ll settle for living together. I don’t want to rush you into anything and living together at least gives me a shot at persuading you that we can make this work. But I want to persuade you of that whether or not there’s a child involved.’
She looked at him in silence for so long that he began to wonder whether he had got it all wrong. The signs had all been there. Hadn’t they? He had a talent for interpreting nuances. Had that talent let him down now?
‘We’ve been happy. You said so yourself.’ A defensive tone had crept into his voice.
‘Very happy,’ she finally whispered, which he thought was a start. She could feel tears begin to gather in the corners of her eyes. Pregnancy had sent her emotions all over the place. Now she wondered whether they had interfered with her hearing as well.
‘Are you saying that you want us to be married… whatever…?’
‘Whatever.’
‘But I don’t understand why.’
‘Because I can’t imagine that there could ever come a day when I wouldn’t want to wake up with you next to me, or return from work knowing that you’d be waiting for me. I love you, Jennifer, and, even if you don’t return the feeling, I wanted to lay my cards on the table—’
‘When you say you love me…’
‘I love you. With lots of strings attached. So many strings that you’d tie yourself up in knots trying to work your way out of them.’
‘I love you too.’ She tried to hold back the tremulous grin but failed. ‘And what strings are you talking about?’
‘I’ll tell you later.’ The consultant had arrived, a very tall, very gaunt middle-aged man with a severe expression that only relaxed into a smile once his examination was completed and he accepted the cup of tea offered to him.
Some slight concern but nothing to worry about. Blood pressure was a little on the high side but nothing that some rest and relaxation wouldn’t sort out. The bleeding would stop and, although he could understand her worry, rest assured that it had not been a dramatic bleed. He had examined and listened and everything was in order. And she was in good hands. He had known James since he was born because he had delivered him.
Jennifer smiled and listened, relieved that her panic had been misguided. Her mind was all over the place. Relief that everything was all right. Wonder mixed with disbelief that James had told her that he loved her. Had he just said that because he had thought it might calm her? Had he known that that was what she had wanted to hear? She caught his eye and tried to still the nagging doubts from trying to get a foothold.
Everything in that warm glance he had given her made her heart soar but acceptance of the fact that he didn’t love her was so deeply embedded that she was cautious of letting herself get wrapped up in silly dreams.
He could read her mind. The second the consultant had left, he settled her comfortably back on the sofa, tucking the cushions around her and tutting when she told him that she wasn’t an invalid.
‘I’m not sure I can believe you in any matters to do with health when you decided to keep those giddy spells to yourself,’ he chided, and Jennifer half sat up and drew him towards her.
‘And I’m not sure I can believe what you said before…’
‘I could tell that that was playing on your mind.’ He sighed and pulled one of the chairs towards the sofa and sat on it, taking her hand in his. ‘And I don’t blame you. I know I made it clear from the start that I wasn’t into long-term relationships and I had the history to prove it. My life was my work and I couldn’t foresee a time when any woman would take precedence over that. I never realised how big a part you played until you left. I had become accustomed to having you there.’
‘I know,’ Jennifer said ruefully. ‘I always felt like the girl in the background you could relax with but never really looked at. I just saw a procession of gorgeous little blondes and it didn’t do anything for my confidence levels. And then I got my degree, got that job in Paris… and best of all, you asked me out to dinner. I thought it was a date. A proper date. I thought you’d finally woken up to the fact that I wasn’t a kid any more. I was a woman. I was so excited.’
‘And then I knocked you back.’
‘I should have known that nothing had changed when you ordered cake and ice cream as a surprise, with a sparkler on top.’
‘I’d do the same thing now,’ James told her with a slow smile that made her toes curl. ‘You love cake and ice cream and I love that about you. I didn’t knock you back because of how you looked.’
‘It felt that way to me,’ Jennifer confessed.
‘You were on the brink of going places. When you kissed me, I felt like a jaded old cynic taking advantage of someone young and vital and innocent. You had stars in your eyes. I honestly thought that you deserved better, but it was hard. I’d never touched you before. I was so turned on… We should have had all this out in the open a long time ago.’
‘I couldn’t. You were right about me. I was very innocent and very young. I wasn’t mature enough to handle a discussion about it. I just knew that it felt like the ultimate rejection and I ran away.’ She sighed and looked at him tenderly. ‘I thought I’d built a new life for myself in Paris and, in a way, I had.’
‘You’re not kidding. I had the shock of my life when I saw you again at the cottage. You weren’t the same girl who’d made a sweet pass at me four years before. I couldn’t take my eyes off you.’
‘Because I had changed my outward appearance…’
‘That’s what I thought,’ James confessed ruefully. ‘I wasn’t into the business of exploring my motivations. One and one seemed to add up to two and I took it from there. I never stopped to ask myself how it was that you we
re the most satisfying lover I’d ever had.’
‘Was I? Really?’ Jennifer shamelessly prodded him encouragingly and he favoured her with one of those brilliant smiles that could literally make her tummy do somersaults.
‘You’re fishing.’
‘I know. But can you blame me? I spent years daydreaming about you and then just when I thought I’d mastered it, we meet again and I discover that I’ve always been daydreaming about you. When we finally became lovers… it was the most wonderfully perfect thing in the world.’ She thought back to the moment the bubble had burst. ‘I never thought for a second that I would get pregnant and the really weird thing was that it was the fault of my condom, the condom I’d bought four years ago…’
‘To use with me?’ James looked at her in astonishment. ‘You’re kidding.’
‘No, I’m not. I hung onto it for so long that it went past its sell-by date. Actually, I think drowning in salt water and being bashed about in my bag can’t have helped prolong its useful life.’
‘Well, I’ll be damned.’
‘When I found out, I had to face up to the truth, which was that you found the sex amazing and you liked me because we’d known each other for such a long time, but you didn’t love me.’
‘The whole business of love was something I hadn’t got my head around. I just knew that you turned up holding a bombshell in one hand and a Dear John letter in the other and I couldn’t seem to find a way of getting through to you. When I proposed to you, I didn’t pause to think that you might actually turn me down.’
‘If I’d known…’
‘Shall I confess something?’
‘What?’
‘This house was never renovated to be rented or sold on.’
‘What do you mean?’
‘It came to my attention because it had been out of action for a while. It must have slipped through the net somewhere along the line but, the second I saw it, I knew I wanted it for you and that was long before I found out that you were pregnant. God, I was a fool. I should have known from the very second I started thinking about you and houses in the same breath that I had fallen in love with you. In fact, I was going to tell you about it when you broke the news.’
The Girl He'd Overlooked Page 16