Nickels

by Karen Baney

  Kyle wasn’t done. “You owe Niki an apology. What you did at dinner was completely uncalled for.”

  Marcy looked at Niki. Her shoulders slumped. “I’m so sorry. I didn’t mean to say all those things. I just want you to be happy.”

  Though she appreciated the apology, it would have meant more if Kyle hadn’t forced it from her. But, she couldn’t stay mad at Marcy—she was the only one left who cared about her.

  “I forgive you, Marcella.”

  Marcy engulfed her in hug.

  “Since my work here is done, I thought I might head home.”

  Marcy turned back on him. “You are not riding that bike home. I’ll take you.”

  “I’ll be fine.”

  “Look at you. You look like you’re ready to drop. What did you do, try to run a marathon?”

  Kyle didn’t answer.

  “Come on,” Marcy said, grabbing her keys. “You can wheel the bike into the garage and we’ll see that you get it back later.”

  “Ha! I’m sure. You’ll probably hold it hostage.”

  “Whatever it takes, big brother, to keep you safe.”

  Niki smiled at the exchange. Their banter reminded her of how she and Jack used to go back and forth.

  “Goodnight, Niki. I’m glad you had a fun time.”

  “Goodnight, Kyle,” she said as Marcy dragged him out the door.

  Kyle climbed in Marcy’s car and closed the door. He leaned his head back against the headrest and closed his eyes. The searing pain shooting through his leg overwhelmed him. She was right. It was stupid to ride the bike. Honestly, he would not have been able to drive home.

  The sound of her door shutting caused him to open his eyes.

  “What was that all about?”

  “What was what about?” he countered.

  She said with a nasally voice, “Goodnight, Niki. I hope you had a good time.”

  She stared at him for a minute before starting the car.

  “Nothing. I just thought our little date was fun and I wanted to make sure she did too.”

  “Hmm.”

  Marcy pulled onto the main street in front of her subdivision. Her fingers tapped the wheel. She was thinking. He braced himself for whatever it was.

  “Be careful. I don’t think she sees you the same way you see her.”

  A little knife stabbed his heart. He knew the truth without her saying it. But, he hoped that he had shown Niki a different side of himself tonight—maybe one that might help her forget who he was in high school so she could see who he was now.

  “I’m serious. You’re gonna get hurt if you keep pursuing her.”

  “I’m not pursuing her. I’m just being friendly.”

  “I’ll bet.”

  As she pulled to a stop behind his townhouse, she turned to face him.

  “Please, listen. Neither one of you is ready for the type of relationship you have in mind—”

  “I don’t have anything particular in mind.”

  “You do. It’s written all over your face. I’m just saying, big brother, that I think you have enough to deal with right now. You are still going through a ton of physical therapy. You’re still grieving. You still have to deal with what it means to have a role in Alana’s life. And you’re just getting familiar with a new job. I think that’s plenty for now, don’t you?”

  Kyle bit down on his tongue. Lashing out at Marcy wouldn’t get him anywhere.

  “I know you think you love her. But, I don’t think you even know her. Not the real Niki. Not the great and amazing woman she’s become.”

  “In the mood for telling everyone’s secrets tonight?” He let his voice drip with acid.

  “That’s not fair. It’s just that… I know her better than anyone. And I know you. Neither one of you is ready for a serious relationship. If you press things too early…” Marcy shook her head. “I don’t think it will end well for either of you.”

  He pushed the car door open and stood. Then he leaned down to look at Marcy through the opening.

  “I think I can handle it myself. But, there is one thing I need you to do for me.”

  “What?”

  “Don’t tell her about the accident. Or Alana. She’s going to ask you questions and I don’t want you to answer them.”

  Marcy frowned. “Why not?”

  “Because, I want to choose when she finds out.”

  She clamped her lips into a tight thin line. “She’s my best friend.”

  “And I’m your brother.”

  “Fine! I’ll keep my mouth shut. But, promise me that if things do get serious between you two that you’ll tell her everything. Promise.”

  “I promise.”

  He shut the car door and spun around on his heel. He didn’t need Marcy spewing her sappy, sentimental version of his life to Niki. It’s not that he didn’t trust his sister. It’s just that he didn’t want to come out sounding like a weakling or a failure. It was bad enough he felt that way. He didn’t need her seeing him that way.

  Kyle unlocked the door and stepped through. He flipped on the light. He headed for the prescription pain killers and downed one. Hopefully it would kick in soon. He felt awful and really needed a good night’s sleep.

  He flopped down on the couch and turned on the TV.

  What am I doing? Marcy was right, yet again.

  He didn’t really know Niki—not who she was now. Even after only a week working with her, he understood that much. She wasn’t the same shy and reserved girl. Now she was strong. More than capable of putting grown men in their place. He saw her do it with Todd at work.

  A war waged in his mind. He fought against the image he built up of Niki over all these years versus the image of who she was now. He just needed to let go of what he remembered and see her for who she was now.

  Then, if he still had feelings for her, he would figure out what to do next.

  The next morning, when Marcy entered the kitchen for a cup of coffee, Niki jumped on the opportunity to solve the mystery of why Kyle was here.

  “What happened to Kyle? Why did he leave the Air Force?”

  Marcy sipped her black coffee, a frown crossing her brow. “I told him you’d ask. Ugh! He made me promise not to tell you.”

  “When did he make you promise that?”

  “Last night. He said he wanted to tell you and since it was his business it should be in his time and his way.”

  Niki sighed. She still wasn’t going to find out what was up with Kyle Jacobs.

  And it made her twice as curious.

  Chapter 12

  Memorial Day. Niki lay in bed staring up at the ceiling, blinking the sleep from her eyes. It came too fast this year. She was not ready for today and its traditions. Shouldn’t grieving get easier as time goes on? Why then was this dark day looming before her ready to consumer her?

  She looked over at the clock on her bed stand. 7:00 a.m. Darn it. She couldn’t even sleep in, letting some of this day slip by unconsciously.

  Reluctantly, she threw the covers back from the bed, dropping her feet to the floor with a soft thud. She pushed up from the bed and walked into her closet. Tossing her head back, she stared up at the box on the top shelf. She retrieved the small step stool from its hiding place and set it on the floor. Then she reached up and pulled the box down, balancing it on her shoulder as she stepped off the stool. Carrying it to her bed, she gently set the box down as if it contained the most precious of jewels. She put her hands on the lid, poised ready to open it.

  Maybe she should get some coffee first.

  Maybe she should give up this ritual.

  Her hands remained still on the top of the lid. Where was her nerve today? She never hesitated this much before.

  Deciding to put this off for a few more minutes, Niki walked down the hallway to the kitchen. She started some coffee. Her gaze bored a hole in the pot as she waited for it to brew. When it finally did, she poured a cup, drowning it in caramel flavored creamer. Two swirls of the spoon and
the liquid was the perfect color. She leaned against the counter, sipping the brew. When she looked up, her eyes went to the picture of Jack on the wall.

  Jack. I don’t think I can do this today. I know this is the day every year that I remember you, mom, and dad—but I…

  She swiped at the tear rolling down her cheek.

  Nothing has ever been the same since you left. I don’t even know where you are. Marcy says there is some kind of life after death. Is that where you are? In heaven? Or was your existence a mere twenty-two years and then nothing?

  Niki finished off the first cup of coffee and poured a second. Walking back to her room, she shut the door, hoping to shut out the thoughts. She set the mug on the flat footboard of her bed. She sat on the edge of the bed, still hesitating. After jumping up to grab some tissues, she settled back on the bed and stared at the box.

  She opened the lid then slowly removed each treasure. Jack’s flag from the Air Force—the one draped over his coffin—now neatly folded into a triangle and preserved in the cherry frame. She lightly ran her fingers over the glass case. If only a flag could comfort you. If only a flag could watch you graduate, or give you desperately needed advice. But no flag could replace her brother. She gently laid the flag beside the box, letting the tears flow. She was a mess and this was only the first item.

  Reaching in, she pulled out the picture of Jack’s graduation from the Air Force boot camp, mere weeks before they lost their parents. She propped it against the flag, then took out the next tangible memory.

  Mom and Dad’s wedding picture. Ironic that it was the one picture of them she kept in this box considering their marriage was so rocky. Had they not been killed, it probably would have ended in divorce. But, this picture meant something different for her. She didn’t keep it because it symbolized her parents’ marriage. She kept it because it was constant. No matter where they moved, no matter how long they lived there, this picture was always displayed. It was one of the few unchanging and reliable things in her life.

  Laying the picture aside, she pulled the most sacred, most treasured pieces next—the letters from Jack while he was deployed in Afghanistan. She still found it odd that he would have written so many, especially after writing next to nothing when he was in basic training and technical school. Maybe he somehow knew she would need these more.

  She pulled the first one from the stack—the first one he wrote.

  September 28, 2001

  Nickels,

  Sorry this is the first letter I’m getting out to you. We’ve been swamped getting set up. You wouldn’t believe it. How these poor people live. It’s heart breaking.

  Funny thing—you know how we always talk about those religious fanatics in the service—you know, Christians. I’m bunking next to one. Joined at the hip with this guy. It’s weird. In light of what we’ve seen here, I don’t mind it. He’s got a pretty positive attitude. And it’s comforting to think that there might be someone bigger than us watching out for us. We need it.

  Sorry, out of time. I’m staying safe. Be good.

  Jack

  She sniffed, letting her hand fall to her lap with the letter. Too bad that someone bigger didn’t save his life and didn’t bring him home. Something about the thought reopened the hollow hole in her heart.

  “Niki,” Marcy’s soft voice came from her doorway. “So early?”

  She didn’t turn around as she nodded. Marcy entered her room. Standing behind Niki, she wrapped her arms around her. Niki’s tears turned to sobs as Marcy rocked her back and forth. The emptiness engulfed her.

  After several minutes, her sobs turned to hiccups.

  “How long will you torture yourself like this every year?” Marcy moved to look her in the eye. “I’m worried. It seems like this just makes it harder for you to let go.”

  Niki wiped her eyes with her twentieth tissue. She had a similar thought this morning. Maybe it was time to stop this insanity. Leaving the letters on the bed, she packed away the pictures and the flag.

  “Maybe you’re right.” She placed the lid on the box.

  Marcy reached for the box resting her dainty hand on top. “Would you like me to take this for you? Keep it away from you until you’ve let go?”

  Niki considered the idea.

  “Just tell me,” Marcy said. “How can I help you?”

  Keeping the letters back—she couldn’t let those go yet—she pushed the box towards her friend. “Take it.”

  Marcy nodded and lifted the box from the bed. She paused in the doorway. “This is a good thing, okay?”

  She looked at Marcy and nodded slowly, before Marcy took the box away. Looking back down at the letters, Niki picked up the next one. Then she stopped. She would not do this to herself.

  Standing, she walked into her bathroom and readied herself to face the day.

  When she finished showering, she put on her bikini then headed for the kitchen. She poured ice water in a large reusable bottle. Flipping a beach towel over her shoulder, she opened the sliding glass door. Scrounging around in the box of pool accessories, she found her favorite inflatable raft and tossed it in the water. She set the towel on a nearby chair then kicked off her flip-flops. She waded into the pool, putting the water bottle in the raft’s cup holder. Then she shimmied onto the raft, letting her ponytail hang over the edge above her head.

  Paddling slowly with her hands, she positioned the raft to face the sun’s rays. She closed her eyes, soaking up the heat, on this day that promised to be a record breaker.

  Ever since the ill-fated dinner with Marcy six weeks ago, Niki couldn’t seem to pull herself from this funk. She was tired of feeling empty inside. Tired of feeling alone. It was stupid. She had Marcy. She had her work. Shouldn’t those things be enough?

  Only they weren’t. When she went to bed in the evening or found herself alone on the weekend, she couldn’t help wanting something more.

  Face it. Your life sucks.

  The sound of the sliding glass door opening echoed across the pool area. She assumed it was Marcy, so she stayed stationary on her floating raft.

  Whispered voices followed the scraping of chairs being rearranged on the concrete patio. One of those voices sounded like Kyle’s. She maintained her position, but strained her ears to hear.

  “I’m worried about her,” Marcy said. Were they talking about her? “If things go like I hope with Chad, I won’t be here much longer.”

  Niki’s heart raced. Where was Marcy going? Would she lose her too?

  “I’ve been trying to get her out there dating all year. I’m ready to move on to the next stage of my life, but I’m worried about her. She doesn’t do alone.”

  “She’s not your responsibility.”

  “But she is my friend—more like a sister. I want to see her with someone so she’s not alone when I finally get married.”

  “Getting her a man is not the solution, and you know it. She needs to let God in. That’s the only thing she’s missing.”

  What was he talking about? God was the one who took her family away. Why would she let him in—whatever that meant?

  Marcy snorted. “You and I may know that’s what she needs. But, she’s angry with God, still. She blames him for taking her parents and for taking Jack. She’s going to resist, dig in her heels, put up a big fight. I’ve tried to get her to come to church for years. I don’t know what else to do.”

  “You know how hardheaded I was and she’s not anywhere near as bad as me. Keep praying. It worked on me, didn’t it?”

  “It did. It’s just not happening fast enough. I can’t stand to watch her suffer year after year like this. I want to see her happy.”

  “At work she seems pretty happy.”

  “She’s not happy, just content. Geez, Kyle, she pulled out the box again this morning. I thought last year would be the last. But no. She had it out first thing. And it seems to be doing more harm than good. It’s one thing to grieve for a long time—it’s another to refuse to let go.”


  Kyle grunted. “Go easy on her Marcy. You’ve never lost anyone—you wouldn’t know.” The tone of his voice suggested that he had lost someone and was maybe still grieving himself.

  As their voices got softer, Niki tried to quietly maneuver the raft closer and unnoticed.

  “You’re right, I haven’t lost someone. But I almost lost you. So don’t think I didn’t imagine the worst when we had no word. I grieved. Then I rejoiced when we learned you were still with us.”

  “I get it. I’m just saying—don’t push her too hard.”

  Niki heard the sound of the metal scraping again, then a soft swoosh of water as someone entered the pool. She ran her hands through the water, urging the raft towards the other end.

  So, Marcy was worried. Truthfully, so was Niki. Especially if Marcy was going to up and marry Chad and move out. She knew she shouldn’t be upset or surprised. It was a natural change of life. She should be happy that her friend thought she found the love of her life. It was a wonderful thing.

  Yet, she didn’t want to face what that meant about her. She was going nowhere.

  Kyle paused as he entered the pool. Niki lay on a raft floating in the water not ten paces away from him. He took in a sharp breath of air. The sight of her in a bikini wasn’t helping him get over his attraction to her. On the contrary, it sent his mind reeling and his pulse racing.

  He forced himself to tear his eyes away. He resumed entering the pool. Crouching down, he extended his body outward to lay on his back.

  The water felt cool against his skin. The semi-weightless feeling eased some of the constant tension in his back. For several minutes he floated in the water, looking up at the sky.

  He closed his eyes.

  For the past six weeks, he had only seen Niki at work. But, that was enough for him to really start getting to know her. She had a funny sense of humor—usually reserved for times where she thought it was just her and the other programmers. He loved the way her eyes sparkled when she laughed.

  In meetings, she was pure business. She knew her stuff and she ran a tight group. She knew exactly what each programmer was working on and how far along they were. She came up with great ideas to solve any challenges they faced. She even asked his opinion a few times.