by B. L. Berry
It's the first time I've seen him in weeks and my heart is bursting and breaking all at once. I want to kiss him and scream at him and grab him and slap him and everything in between. My mind tells me to run far and fast, but my heart forces me to stay planted exactly where I am. I can already tell my mind is going to lose the battle of what I know and what I feel.
Love will win.
When love is real, when it's true and unflappable and honest, it will always win.
Even though he's clearly broken, there's a quiet confidence about him. Resolve in his eyes. And I realize that he is a direct reflection of me. In this moment, we know. We both simply know.
“Phoenix, I'm sorry.” My voice quivers, but I need to explain myself.
“No, Ivy. I—”
“Stop. Just listen to me.”
I pull my hand out from his and put my palm flat against his chest. His heart is thrumming manically and he closes his eyes and nods. When he opens them again, his gaze is so full of love it melts my core. He shakes his head no, taking my hand off of his chest and holds it loosely in between us.
No?
My stomach churns and Phoenix must see the sheer panic that flashes in my eyes. He drops his forehead and presses it against mine.
“Me first,” he whispers with hesitation in his voice. He’s so close I can taste the mint from his sweet breath on my lips and I fight the desire to press my mouth against him and allow our bodies to make amends.
Lightly, I feel him trace circles with the pad of his thumb inside my palms. I close my eyes, focusing on his touch, and prepare myself for whatever it is he needs to tell me.
When I will myself to open my eyes and look at him, he swallows hard then nervously stares at the cranes above us. Deep down I know he is responsible for each and every last one of them.
“My mom had it all wrong,” Phoenix says softly before tilting his head up, examining the birds intently for a few moments. He exhales abruptly when he looks back down at me. He’s not exactly looking in my eyes but rather the base of my neck. He smiles as he touches the necklace he gave me on my birthday. His body relaxes and there’s a quiet confidence in his face as he meets my gaze once again.
“Above us hangs three thousand cranes, and three thousand cranes means three wishes granted.”
He speaks slowly.
Softly.
Reflectively.
Reverently.
“I’ve had a lot of time to think lately. About me … you … us. I’ve thought about what I want out of life and what I need. And so, Ivy … I have three wishes in life. And these are my three wishes, from me … to you.”
My heart smiles and warmth radiates from my chest. He’s still nervously running his thumbs over my palms, except I realize they aren’t circles. They are infinities, over and over and over again.
“My first wish … I want you to know me. The real me. The one with no secrets. And it’s okay if you decide you don’t like that guy because sometimes I’m not sure I like him very much either. He’s exactly like the me you already know, but with a landslide of problems that I don’t like to acknowledge.”
“Stop being so self-deprecating,” I exhale softly.
“Shhh …” He places a single finger to my lips. “Just listen.”
I swallow hard, try to still my racing heart and look him in the eye. It's hard to process everything that's happening right now. I need to apologize to him, but I get the feeling that he needs to say his peace more.
“As I was saying. I want you to know everything about me, including the things that no one else knows and the things you wouldn't even care to know.” Phoenix reaches up and touches one of the birds that hangs down on fishing twine. It sways a little, bumping into the bird next to it.
“For so long, I’ve wished I could turn back time and make different choices and make things right. And part of me still wishes I could do that. But those choices, for better or worse, are what led me to you. So instead of changing history, I wish I had told you about my past sooner and that I was honest from the get go, even if that meant risking losing you. And for that, I am truly sorry, Ivy.”
I open my mouth to respond, but he quickly places his index finger back over my lips.
“Inside each and every one of these three thousand cranes I've written something about me that nobody else knows. Pieces of me from the past twenty-five years. Everything from my favorite fourth grade teacher to acceptable condiments on a hot dog to how it makes me feel when I hear you talk in your sleep to even what I felt the day I saw my dad cheating on my mom. Anything you can dream up, I'm confident I've captured here. And it’s my wish that you’ll take the time to read every last one of them and see me for who I really am.”
“Three thousand?” I say under my breath in awe before shaking my head. “Do I really talk in my sleep?” My cheeks flush with heat. Out of embarrassment or being touched by this intimate gesture, I'm not quite sure.
“Shhh … I’m not done yet.”
I watch as he reaches up. Three ivory cranes fly among the sea of gray birds in the center of the installation. He pulls the first one down off the twine and places it in the palm of my hand. “Go on … open it.” He gestures toward the crane in my hand.
As I start to unfold the iridescent colored paper, I begin to realize the magnitude of what he’s done. I pull the square piece of paper taut.
On August 11th at 3:01 a.m., I knew that you were the woman I would spend the rest of my life with.
My lower lip quivers and I lift my gaze slowly to meet his eyes. I have no idea if August eleventh was a day of consequence, but it is now. Conflicted emotions flood through me in waves. I should be apologizing to him. Not being on the receiving end of this grand gesture.
I look back down to the slip of paper and read his handwriting over and over until my hands turn shaky and I wipe away a tear with the back of my hand.
“My next wish is for your happiness. I never want to see you cry again over something stupid that I’ve done. Happy tears? Totally fine. But knowing that I’ve hurt you …” his voice trails off and he shakes his head, silently scolding himself. “I can’t handle being the root of your sadness.”
Phoenix pulls down the second ivory crane and cautiously hands it to me. I purse my lips, release a breath and trace my fingers over the outside of the paper before carefully unfolding the bird.
I will never forgive myself for being the source of your tears. Ever. But as long as you'll let me, I want to be the man who dries those tears. Your happiness, no matter the cost, is what I want for you in life. You deserve nothing less than infinite happiness.
I want that, too. I really, really do.
“And my last wish ...” Phoenix takes a deep, shaky breath. “Well, this one is a bit selfish. But my last wish is that one day you will agree to be wife.”
I look at him, my mouth agape and forget how to breathe. After everything we've been through, after how horribly I've treated him, after all of our mistakes and hurt and healing ...
It's me that he still wants.
“I know we have a lot to work through, and I know it won’t be easy, but I am absolutely certain that I was put on this Earth for you and you only.”
Phoenix reaches up and pulls down the third ivory crane and places it in my palm. The weight is slightly heavier than the previous two and he gestures me to open it.
I pull the seams of the paper apart with my thumbs. Inside the slip of paper is a stunning oval ruby ring lined with tiny sparkling diamonds. The center stone is a rich crimson and when it catches the light, it flickers, reminding me of a beating heart. I look down at the slip of paper to see Phoenix's handwriting.
Only you. It's only ever been you.
My heart is bursting and my mind simply cannot process everything fast enough. I swallow down a deep breath and my body begins to shake. Phoenix takes the ring and grabs both of my hands in one of his. The panic and excitement must be palpable.
“Ivy ... this isn't a prop
osal. Yet.” A strange combination of relief and sadness wash over me as Phoenix takes the ring and slips it onto the ring finger of my right hand. It fits perfectly. He lifts my hand to his lips and presses a kiss into my knuckles.
“Thank you,” I say stunned. But it barely comes out as an audible whisper and I can’t even hear my words over the beating of my heart inside my ears.
His eyes study my face with seriousness. “When the day comes that you’re ready to take the next step with me … if it ever comes … I want you to take this ring off and give it back so I can put it on your left hand where we both know it belongs. But I want that day to be after you've read the truths written on each and every last one of these cranes. Because not all of it is puppies and kittens and rainbows in the fold. The real me has some ugliness to it … things I don’t like talking about. But I want you to know everything from my past so we can have an unshakable foundation for the future. Then, and only then do I want you to decide if you want me for the long haul. I know we have that once in a lifetime kind of love. I just want you to know it, too.”
I look back to him and swallow hard, nodding slowly in agreement.
We both look above us and I sense just how long it must have taken him to not only think of and write down three thousand things, but also to fold three thousand cranes.
“But if you ever decide that a future with me is not what you want—and I understand that that could happen—I still want you to keep this ring. Because this ring is yours, it has always been yours. And even if you decide you can’t keep me in your life, I want, no … I need you to keep this piece of me.”
Through my tears, the ring sparkles vibrantly. I throw my arms around his middle and he clutches me tightly. As beautiful as this ring is, it pales in comparison to the beauty of his words.
Phoenix lowers his lips to my ear. “I love you more than anyone has ever loved you before and I'm serious when I say I want nothing less than an eternity with you, Ivy.”
I love this man fiercely. He would do anything to be my everything. And I would do the same for him. I would happily take a hundred bad days with him than one single good day with anyone else.
But his words aren’t the only ones that need to right this wrong I’ve created between us.
Phoenix pulls back to look at me and cups my chin in his hand, gently running his thumb over the side of my jaw. He slowly starts to lean in and I close my eyes…
“Stop,” I breathe.
I want to kiss him. God, do I want to do more than kiss him right now! I know all could be forgiven with the single touch of our lips, but the only thought running through my head is how I am such a raging, horrid bitch. He was probably suffering much more than me, and the last thing I deserve in this world is this selfless, tender man standing in front of me handing his unwavering love over on a silver platter.
Phoenix’s forehead creases in confusion and a pained look floods his eyes.
“I owe you an apology. Before anything, please … just let me talk …” I bring my hands to his shoulders. “Nearly everything I’ve ever done in my life has been motivated by pain. And hate. And sometimes even self-loathing. I have a tendency to run away from things when they get tough and overreact with anger over things that can’t be changed.” I give him a knowing look after those words leave my mouth.
“And yet through it all … there you stand. Picking up the pieces … literally. You demonstrate more patience than I deserve. And for whatever reason, you still manage to love me in spite of all my horrifying imperfections.”
It’s true, I have been nothing but horrible to him because that’s what I’m used to. That’s what I know. That isn’t an excuse, but I need him to realize and understand that every single one of my relationships has been nothing more than a painful act of self-preservation.
“I’m not the same woman I was a few months ago. Working through twenty-three years of pain changed me. You changed me. And even after seeing me at my worst and lowest points of my life, you still find it in you to love me. And for that, I love you. Thank you for not giving up on me. You’ve shown me that pain isn’t the only thing that changes you. Love does, too.”
And shit … do I love this man.
I could say that I’d be nothing without him, but that’d be a lie. I simply don’t want to be anything without him.
“I shouldn’t have pushed you out before. I just … the only thing I could focus on was the hurt and I reacted the only way I knew how at that moment. I know you would never do anything to deliberately hurt me. “
The corners of Phoenix’s mouth twitch upward in a subtle smile and he takes my hands off his shoulders, holding them tightly as if they are his lifeline. “Promise me you’ll actually be open to talking things out and having those difficult conversations because I’m not going anywhere.”
His eyes are intense and I know he is capable of seeing through any exterior that I wear. I slowly nod, agreeing to his request.
“And no more untruths or omissions from me. Ever,” he adds. His lips part, beaming down at me and I give him a small, cautious smile. “I’m sor—”
“Oh just shut up and kiss me, Phoenix.”
I grab his face firmly in my hands and pull him toward me, my lips crashing into his hungrily. The instant we connect, a moan crawls from the depths of his chest and he welcomes me, his body melting into mine. His right hand runs through my hair and holds the back of my head as his left hand pulls my body closer to him. He pours every ounce of love he has into that single kiss and accepts every breathless moment I give him. He kisses me in a way that he’s never kissed me before.
We finally come up for air, lips swollen and chests panting. The look on his face tells me everything I’ve known all along.
This man is mine.
Whole-heartedly.
“Happy tears?” he asks softly as he pulls a linen handkerchief from his pocket and brings it to the corner of my eye.
“The happiest.” I laugh softly under my breath. “I’ll never understand why you love me the way you do,” I whisper, shaking my head in disbelief. The fates have kept us together.
He leans down to kiss me tenderly. At that moment, with Phoenix before me under a sky of origami cranes, I realize that art is exactly like love. It is all in the eye of the beholder. Every moment is open to interpretation, and every person sees and feels something completely different and beautiful. Each day, thousands of people walk the hallways of The Met and every last one of them takes away something different.
I’d wanted to start my life over, to paint over the canvas and create something new, but I had it all wrong. Just because you paint over the canvas doesn’t mean the original piece no longer exists. It’s still there, you just can’t see it.
Just like the scars of our past.
They make us who we are. The memory of their pain simply molds us into a new work of art. And it doesn’t make the masterpiece any less beautiful.
In fact, it makes it perfect.
EIGHT MONTHS, THREE WEEKS AND four days.
That is how long it took me to read, understand and absorb each one of the three thousand cranes.
Some truths were simple.
When you’re not around, I like to sing in the shower. More specifically, I like to sing It Takes Two by Rob Base and DJ EZ Rock. I can rock the shit out of the one-man duet.
Others were a bit tougher to digest.
One time I was dared to secretly videotape myself having sex with a girl I met at a party. She never knew, and I have no idea what happened to the tape. I’ll never be able to run for office (not that I’d want to).
And a few were downright painful to read.
When I was seventeen, I was so upset over my parents’ divorce and angry with my Dad for trying to fix things that I tried to kill myself with prescription drugs. My mom found me and saved my life in more ways than one. When I woke up, she helped me understand just how much I had to live for.
Needless to say, we had our fair share o
f late night discussions. Some of them were heavy, but for the most part it was one of the most eye-opening and healing experiences I’ve ever had. I never would have guessed he went through a scarily rebellious stage as a teenager. Or that Annie was the girl who helped him get his shit back on track. I got to know Phoenix on a level that no one else came close to.
And when I read the final crane saying that he firmly believes toilet paper should always go under and not over the top, I knew I had met my match. I look to my left and smile at the roll hanging on the side of the stall. According to Phoenix, it’s loaded incorrectly, so I pull it out from the holder and reverse the roll.
“Are you almost done in there, Ivy?” I shift uncomfortably on the toilet seat and look at black and white checkerboard tiles on the floor. It’s a little too early in the morning for Rachel to exhibit this much enthusiasm.
“Good Lord, give me a damn moment, woman! I haven’t even had a chance to pee yet,” I bark through the stall door.
I take a calming breath in what will likely be my last moment of solitude for a while. Admittedly, it feels kind of nice.
A few minutes later, I emerge and step up to the bathroom mirror and take a calming breath.
“You look absolutely beautiful. Simply glowing from the inside out.”
“You think?”
My best friend nods at me in appreciation.
I thought I’d feel more nervous today. Don’t most brides panic on their wedding day? However, all I feel is comfort with a hint of excitement.
Phoenix wanted a traditional wedding. But when I got him to consider what really matters in a wedding day, he got on board with my idea.
And that was just last week.
I knew I wasn’t a huge celebration with the big church and four hundred person celebration kind of bride. I’m fairly certain that if I were to enter a church these days, lightning would strike and burn the place down in my presence, and I’m not sure I want that on my conscience. So when I talked him down off that ledge, his only prerequisite quickly turned into having both of our fathers here. After two quick phone calls, everything fell perfectly into place. Of course, when Rachel found out she invited herself along for the ride. Brock, too. After the Sleeping Shadows show wrapped, I couldn’t quite shake him from my life. Because of his success at the gallery, he was commissioned by a design firm to create custom pieces for some of their Fortune 500 clients. He deemed me his lucky charm and gave me one final pet name: Magically Delicious. Phoenix cringes every time he calls me that but it makes me laugh.