I struggled against him. “Is that supposed to make me feel better?”
A tortured expression marred his handsome face. It sucked some of my anger away, but deepened the sadness.
“Please, let me go.”
He released me and pursed his lips. “I don’t know what to say, except sorry. I didn’t know my experience would upset you like this.”
My lips quivered. “I’m sorry too.”
He pulled me close, but I didn’t tingle any longer. How could I have fallen for this man? Did I have no sense? Yes, I did. I’d just ignored the warnings because my body craved Rawson Law like a drug. But that was wicked, and I’d do well to put distance between us now that my eyes had been opened. I didn’t want to be another slash on his wall of conquests.
Tipping my chin with his thumb, he traced my lips. I closed my eyes, trying not to let his gentle touch sway me. But it did. However sinful it might be, I wanted him to kiss me again.
“You’re mad at me.”
“No.” I was just horrifically disappointed.
His tongue worked overtime against the inside of his cheek. “I swear I haven’t been with anyone since I started liking you.”
“Do you wish I would sleep with you?” As the words left my mouth, I wished to snatch them back.
“Of course, I do. I want to share everything, but not until you’re ready. That’s why I haven’t pushed you.”
Having this conversation made me realize we were worlds apart, especially in how we defined love.
“And if I told you I was ready now?” I asked quietly.
The smoldering hunger and hope animating his expression answered me, and everything changed between us in that instant. His scorching look stole my breath away as he stepped closer and captured my waist.
“Are you?”
His sensual question made my toes curl. Desire warred with integrity as I wondered what it would be like to have a tiny taste of what he offered. Could I sample without falling all the way into the flames?
“Ah, Lizzie.” The way he said my name added strength to my dark side. His words oozed passion as his fingers danced along the top of my jeans. “Are you scared because it will be your first time?”
I didn’t answer. Words strangled in my throat as I knew which path I would choose…and it couldn’t be this man whom I had grown to care for deeply.
He pressed his lips to my forehead. “I’ll be so gentle, love. It won’t hurt…not like you’ve been told. I’ll make you feel incredible. Promise. I’ll go slow so that your first time is unforgettable.”
My hands shook as I brought them to his chest, widening the distance between us. We stared at each other—him with a look of barely concealed longing and anticipation; me with heartache and regret.
“What about afterward?”
His brow creased.
“After you’ve taken that which I hold most sacred…what then?”
“You’ll be mine.”
Stupid tears slipped down my cheeks. He didn’t look like an evil man bent on stripping me of my virginity; he looked like my sweet Rawson who was eager to make me happy. I swiped at my eyes, refusing to be deceived.
“Like all the other girls who are now yours?”
“No, it’s not—”
“Do you know what that would do to me if you took my innocence tonight?”
“Lizzie, I—”
“It would destroy me. You would shatter every piece of my heart and leave me with nothing but shame and regret. I have no doubt you’d make me feel incredible, but afterward, when I was left with nothing but ruin, I would loathe you for stealing from me.”
His mouth formed into a tight line. “So you’re not ready? You just played me to see what I’d admit so you could throw my words back at me and judge me a sinner?”
“I wanted to know, yes,” I admitted.
“And let me guess. I failed.”
I bowed my head.
His hands clenched into fists. “I failed because I’m not a halo-wearing, celibate monk like your doormat Mackay.”
I marched in the direction of his truck. “If you’re going to be a jerk, I’m leaving.” When I reached its safety, he grabbed me and spun me around.
“You have it bad for me and that scares you because it doesn’t fit into your set little plan.” He yanked me against his body.
“Rawson, please.”
“I feel how you want me every time we’re together,” he hissed. He brought his head down as though he meant to give me a crushing kiss, but paused at the last second, searing my lips with spearmint breath. “If you want to deny that and marry some boring fool like Mackay, go ahead. But you’ll regret for the rest of your life because he’ll bungle everything on your wedding night and leave you unfulfilled and full of regret that you didn’t pick me!”
I pushed out of his arms. “At least we’d bungle our way together, and I wouldn’t wonder if he might be comparing me to all his other conquests and finding me lacking. And I promise you, even if it took us fifty years, we’d figure out the mechanics and make our love life amazing. More amazing than you can imagine, because we’d have something you and I can never have. Trust. And respect.”
He let go of my arm and stormed around the front of the truck. “Get in,” he ordered.
My shoulders sagged as I hefted myself onto the seat and leaned against the passenger door. Silent tears stained my coat as I endured the silent, terrifying drive home. Rawson didn’t speak and seemed bent on breaking some unwritten speed record as I clutched the door and prayed he wouldn’t kill us.
When we arrived home, I hurried to the house. Rawson took off the other direction. When I slipped upstairs and stood in front of my mirror, I wept when I noticed the red oval brands on my neck. They reminded me of Rawson’s true intentions…and of what I’d lost of my heart tonight. I knew I’d never get those pieces back I’d given that wretched cowboy.
Chapter 68
Rawson
Desperation and despair smothered me. After leaving Liz in the garage, I stomped away to sulk in my hammock. At first, my fury centered around her for ruining my evening, but eventually it turned its laser focus on me. Staring into the inky expanse of heaven, I knew she was right. My mother had taught me to treat girls like a precious white rose and never do anything to soil or damage them, but being arrogant, I’d cast her teachings aside as too old-fashioned. Now I felt ashamed, knowing I’d dishonored Lizzie with my intentions.
“Oh, God,” I groaned, “don’t let me lose her. I know I shouldn’t be asking You for jack sh—crap.” I figured Lizzie’s God wouldn’t tolerate cussing any more than she did. “But I need her.” My voice cracked. “I love her.”
At that moment, love became more than physical fulfillment. I realized love focused on what was best for the other person…and tonight, I’d wanted what was best for me. Not her. Shame filled me as I realized I’d gone to all that work and trouble to make the evening nice, not so I could build Liz up and help her see how incredible she was, but for the sole intent of weakening her resolve and tricking her into letting down her guard so I could steal—she’d called it as it was—that which she held most precious. I despised myself at this discovery. Speaking smooth words of love had meant nothing to her. Actions spoke louder than words, and mine had been deplorable tonight.
Clawing my scalp, I knew I must make amends. But how? The damage seemed irreparable. How could I take away the hurt my stabbing words had inflicted? How could I regain her trust, if I’d ever had it?
I swung my feet out of the hammock and stood. Lizzie had made me believe I could be a better man. It was time to be one.
My watch showed half past midnight as I climbed the stairs. No soldier on the front lines could have felt more frightened than I did as I stood in front of her door and prepared to knock. Not wanting to wake Benny, I tapped lightly as my stomach clenched. The door cracked to reveal Lizzie’s face on the other side. I knew immediately by her red, swollen eyes that she’d been cryi
ng.
“May I come in?”
She shook her head. “I don’t think that would be wise.”
My shoulders slumped. “Can you come out here then?”
“I think we’ve seen enough of each other tonight. Don’t you?”
“Lizzie, please.”
A tear slid down her cheek. “I can’t do this, Rawson. I thought I could, but we want different things.”
“Don’t tell me what I want. You don’t know.”
She pulled down her robe to reveal several purplish hickeys on her neck. “I think you made it very clear what you wanted tonight.”
I blew out a breath. “Will you please come out and listen to what I have to say?”
“Fine.” She opened her door wider. “But stay there.” She glared at me.
I gulped and tried to think where to start. “I haven’t been able to stop thinking about what you said…and I feel awful because you’re right. I didn’t respect you as I should have.”
Her neutral expression gave away nothing.
I licked my lips. “I never thought of it that way. You see, I’ve always equated love with sex. When I took you out to the canyon, I had every intention of pushing our relationship further, but not out of disrespect. Honest. I believed I’d be showing you how much I loved you. That’s the only way I knew to do it. I thought you wanted me too and were just too shy to ask. I had no clue being abstinent meant so much to you. Now that I do, I promise to behave and never take advantage of you. I love your innocence, and will protect it with my life.”
Her eyes glistened.
“Will you forgive me?”
As she took a hesitant step forward, I opened my arms. A tear slipped down her cheek before she rushed into them. Cradling her, I buried my face in her loose curls.
“I don’t expect you to trust me, love, but I’d like the chance to earn that from you.”
“That takes time,” she murmured.
“Probably a whole heck of a lot. But I’m willing to put in time if you give me another chance. My mom did teach me better.” I touched her neck. “No more nibbling or whatever else makes you uncomfortable. We’ll take things slow. I won’t touch you unless you feel good about it in here.” I tapped my heart.
“I don’t know. Maybe it’s better if—”
“Tell me you don’t care for me.”
“That’s the problem. I care way too much.”
I reached down to twine fingers. “Then stay with me, Lizzie. Let me earn your trust…and love. Help me be a better man.”
Her brown eyes almost glowed as she sniffed. “Okay.”
Though her whispered reply hardly registered, it seeped deep into my soul, bringing unspeakable relief and hope.
Chapter 69
Liz
Cuddling next to Rawson, I closed my eyes and wished he would at least stroke my arm. Since his birthday fiasco last month when I laid down the law, he’d become gun-shy about even holding my hand. I’d given him signals that I was okay with more. Whenever he showed up, I took his hand and gave him a welcoming smile. I cuddled when we watched movies. I’d even initiated a few kisses, hoping he would reciprocate. But only once had he bitten.
Last Saturday when Ben had fallen asleep during Star Wars, I nibbled Rawson’s neck and ignited a spark of his old desire. The passion he unleashed had felt heavenly, but he’d stopped too soon. The abrupt manner in which he pulled away and excused himself made me feel as if I had a contagious disease.
Tonight he acted aloof again. The new guy had taken over the herd last week, so Rawson was free, at least as free as a rancher who works twelve to fourteen hour days can be. Yet, besides sitting by me at meals and squeezing my knee occasionally, he hadn’t made any effort to spend more time with me. We watched movies in the basement with Benny once or twice a week; but I’d hoped for more. Dinner and a movie in town on the weekend so I didn’t appear to be only his ranch fling.
A whiff of cologne made my inner dog start to pant. If I’d been braver, I would’ve grabbed his neck and pulled him close enough to eat. But being a chicken-livered coward, I didn’t dare instigate a kiss that might meet with his gentle, yet obvious, rebuff. A woman could only take so much rejection, and Rawson had demonstrated several times how he felt about me pressing him. He didn’t welcome my advances. I didn’t move a muscle, hoping his finger massage might turn into more. Neck nibbling, perhaps. How I missed that. Or a kiss. I really missed his amazing, world-changing kisses. Just thinking about them made me all hot and bothered.
“You look lovely tonight.” His deep voice next to my ear sent pleasurable shock waves through me. I gulped as his fingers traced lines down my neck.
“So do you.” I blushed when he chuckled. “Not lovely. You’re not. I mean you are, but in a manly way. Oh, you know what I mean.”
He cupped my chin and let his teasing gaze dance across my beet red face. “Maybe if I kissed you, I’d understand.”
“H-hh-uh-yeah,” I stammered.
His lips claimed mine, and I eagerly did my best to claim his. Fair’s fair, right? Orcs battled on screen, but we gave them no heed. I prayed Ben did though. Normally, I didn’t do PDA, but it’d been so long since Rawson kissed me that I didn’t dare stop him. I needed proof he hadn’t tired of me.
The gory orc battle ended before Rawson pulled away. When he did, he gave me a dreamy smile as I swallowed and tried to settle back down to earth. A peek at the other couch showed a blushing Benny. Poor kid.
Rawson draped an arm over me and pulled me against his shoulder. Resting my head on him, I smiled. Lord of the Rings wasn’t my favorite. In fact, I found it tedious with all the orc battles. However, tonight’s kissing session had changed my mind. Maybe another fight scene would start and Rawson would minister to my mouth again.
Lifting my right hand, I settled it on the middle of his chest. As I traced hearts into his shirt, I heard a deep bass hum of contentment. Gaining confidence, I explored his chest and shoulders. When I let my hand drop to his leg, he jumped up, making me fall into the cushions where he’d been sitting.
“I need to use the little boy’s room.” He almost ran from the room.
As Benny’s gaze met mine, he shrugged. “When you gotta go, you gotta go.”
I forced a laugh, although I failed to see the humor. Rawson had done it again. I’d tried to make him feel good, and he ran from me.
He didn’t return until the orcs were at it again…or maybe they were warlocks. The ugly things all looked alike to me. I wondered if Rawson might instigate another kiss, but he only yawned.
“I might have to call it a night, babe. I’m beat.”
There’d been a time when he wouldn’t have cared what time it was or how tired he felt, he wouldn’t have cut our time short. But lately, he seemed anxious to escape my company.
Before he could bolt, I leaned over and touched his arm. “Next Friday there’s a dance in town…at the church.” He didn’t say anything, which didn’t give me much hope he wanted to go; but being a masochist, I continued. “I’m on the committee and have to go early to set up. Um…could you come with me…as my date?” I held my breath.
“How early do you need to leave?”
“Probably around five.”
“Hmmm.”
I couldn’t help but frown.
He tipped my chin. “Don’t worry. I’ll figure out how to make it.” He rested his lips against my forehead. “But would you mind too terribly if I left you right now so I can get some shut eye?”
I caressed his jaw. “That’s fine. I’ve seen enough orcs to last me a lifetime. I think I’ll go to bed too.”
He helped me to my feet. We waved goodnight to Ben and wandered to Rawson’s bedroom. I stood on my tiptoes to kiss him before heading upstairs. I only meant to peck him, but he surprised me by pulling me close and kissing me deeply for several glorious minutes. His hands spread fire through my body as he rubbed my back. Once, his hands even swept dangerously low, but he raised them and never ve
ntured down again. Still, my mind grabbed hold of some rather wicked thoughts.
Rawson pulled back and acted as if his whole world hadn’t been set off kilter by that kiss as mine had. “Night, love.” He gave me one of his sexy half-smiles. “See you in the morning.”
I made my way upstairs, feeling woozy. Every single one of his passionate kisses knocked me off balance and made me know it could never be topped; yet he easily put it to shame the next time, before saying “Night” and moseying into his bedroom like nothing out of the ordinary had happened.
Well, his kisses might be par for course for him, but they rocked my world. As I climbed into bed, I couldn’t help smiling. He’d agreed to come to the dance. A very public event. I couldn’t wait to tell Garret and prove to him and every other hand that I wasn’t Rawson’s temporary plaything.
I was his girl.
Chapter 70
Rawson
Sweat trickled down my back in the June heat as I rode ahead of my brother.
“Hey, hold up,” Benny called.
I pulled on Bayder’s reins and looked back. Seeing him struggling to escape his light jacket, I almost spurred my horse over to help. But knowing he wouldn’t appreciate that, I waited until he accomplished the feat on his own.
“All right, I’m good.” He brought Han up beside me. “So you and Liz are going dancing tonight?”
“That’s the plan. But knowing her, she’ll probably end up working the kitchen all night because she can’t say no.”
As though she’d read my thoughts, my phone rang. “It’s her,” I told him before answering. “Hey, beautiful.”
“Hey, yourself. My cookie person just fell through so I need to get to town a little earlier to stop by the store. Can you be ready to leave at four instead of five?”
I grimaced. “That’ll be tricky. Abe needs me to pick up some new foals from the Johnsons’ this afternoon.”
“Oh.” How could one simple word hold so much dejection in it?
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