“You don’t get to flash that dimple at me, say you’re sorry, and expect all to be forgiven. I do want to put it behind us, but complete forgiveness will take a little time,” I explain, keeping my voice steady when I feel anything but.
He puts his hand on my shoulder in a casual way, but it still sends a chill across my skin. “Whatever you need, Cass.” He drops his hand.
“Thanks Pax. I may not be quite ready to forgive completely, but I must be a little bit soft tonight because I’m going to let you eat my food,” I tease.
Reaching over, he takes my hand in his, squeezing it. “Letting things just work themselves out sounds like a great idea. We both have so much going on and honestly, I don’t want or need complications. I can promise you one thing though, I want your friendship.”
I squeeze his hand back before pulling it away and turning back to making us both a plate. “I can’t believe I’m saying this, but I want your friendship, too.”
“I’ll grab us drinks if you take our plates to the table,” he offers.
“You got a deal.” I pick up the plates and carry them to the table.
A moment later, Pax joins me, drinks in hand.
We sit across from one another, and he begins telling me a story his mom told him about their New Year’s Eve. We laugh at the situations our parents still find themselves in; it’s like they’ll never completely grow up.
As the conversation carries on, I’m more and more relaxed with Paxton and our new relationship. Maybe one day we’ll think about the near kisses and high emotions, but for now, this is good.
Just as I’m about to express those exact sentiments to Pax, my phone rings. It’s Richard. I debate answering it, but when Paxton sees who it is, he insists, teasing me about “Dick”. God, I wish he’d quit calling him that.
“Hey!” My voice is high because I’m trying to hold back laughter after Pax whispered something inappropriate about our parents just as I answered.
Richard clears his throat. “Hey, what’s so funny?” He sounds a bit off.
“Oh, Paxton and I are having dinner and he mentioned something about our parents…you know what, not necessary. What’s happening?” I realized it wouldn’t be funny to Richard at all so why bother. Also, I thought he was out of town, so I’m surprised he’s calling.
“No, really, what’s so funny?” he repeats, as if I never said a word.
The smile falls from my face, and Pax notices. He mouths What’s wrong? and I shake my head.
“Seriously, Richard, it’s nothing. Uh, is everything okay?” I can hear the annoyance in his voice but if I’m honest, I can’t bring myself to care right now. It’s like we just can’t get in sync, and it’s exhausting. He’s obviously upset, and I’m not giving him what he wants—something he isn’t used to from me.
“You tell me, Cass. Is everything okay?” His voice is harsh and condescending.
My eyebrows narrow. “Richard, hold on a minute.” Holding the phone away, I let Pax know I’ll be back. He gives me a look of concern, but I wave him off. I wait until I’m in my room before I respond to Richard. “Okay, I’m alone now.”
He laughs. “What, you couldn’t answer that question in front of Paxton?” His tone is sarcastic and unkind.
“Look, Richard, I’m not sure what is going on with you, but no, I couldn’t. Obviously you’re upset about something, and the personal aspects of our relationship are none of Paxton’s business.” I’m angry—one, because of his tone, and two, because he’s implying something without coming out and saying it. “Now, as for your question, everything is exactly as it always has been from my viewpoint. It seems you’re the one with an issue.”
Richard releases a frustrated sigh. “It just seems you and I are in different worlds lately rather than just having different ideas about how we structure this relationship. I feel like you’re farther away than you’ve ever been and Paxton is the common denominator when it comes to timing. So, I have to ask, is this coincidental, or is it more?”
When I answer, I’m not sure who I’m lying to, Richard or myself.
“Paxton has nothing to do with us, and I’ll repeat that until you understand.” I sit in a chair in the corner of the bedroom. “Look, I know I have been all over the place for months. It’s just the two of us, we’re so…so…I don’t know, but I’m trying to figure out how we work now and in the future. I thought you understood.” Although this is how we’ve always worked, I can admit—at least to myself—that recently I’ve been even more distant than normal.
“I do, but it seems like more lately, more than you’re admitting.” There it is. Maybe he’s more intuitive to my feelings than I’ve given him credit for over the years. Now instead of agitated, Richard sounds resigned. “I’m sorry I’m being an ass. I know we’re not really together so even if I wanted to be pissed about Paxton, I don’t have the right, but Cassandra, you’ve been my girl for a long time. I can’t think of a time I ever felt like I was sharing you with someone else.”
I hear him. I know what he’s saying, and he’s right. I’ve never shown interest in anyone else in the last five years of our off-and-on relationship. He never knew there to be anyone else, and why should he have? There really wasn’t, even if Paxton was always there. It was easy to maneuver around his ghost.
“Let’s have dinner when you get back in a few days, okay? We can talk then, and I promise we’ll figure this all out.” I mean it. I want to figure this out so I can feel normal again because between fighting with him and Pax, I’m exhausted.
“Sounds like a plan. I’ll be home around four on Thursday afternoon so I’ll swing by at five for an early dinner.”
“Perfect! I'll be ready.” We both sound more cheerful, but lately, there is always an underlying threat to the comfort between us. “Bye Richard. See you when you get back.”
He doesn’t say anything for a minute, and I’m unsure if he hung up. Then he finally speaks. “Cassandra, again, I’m sorry I was a jackass.”
“Richard, stop. I’ll see you Thursday,” I insist.
“Bye,” he says, hanging up the phone before I respond.
Suddenly, I’m overwhelmed by a feeling that something has shifted between us, that there’s something we both know we need to do. I only know I want to be fair, to myself and to him.
When I go back out to the living room, Pax is surfing channels.
“Hey, everything okay?” he asks without turning his head to look at me.
As I step around the couch and into his view, he looks up at me. “Yeah…yeah, all is good. I’m sorry I left you to clean up the mess.” He watches me carefully. “Let’s watch a movie. I’ll grab the ice cream.”
Present
Matt signals the waitress for another round of drinks. The two girls he invited out with us are cute and flirty, and normally, the one on my left would be the exact kind of woman I would pass the time with. Normally…
These days, I do very few things I typically would.
I watch her out of the corner of my eye; she’s fidgeting with her bracelet. Her auburn hair falls in perfect waves over her bare shoulders, and her skin is the color of peaches. Her eyes are green like the color of newly cut grass. She’s beautiful, yet my mind compares every part of her to someone else.
Over the last week, since our talk, things have been good between Cass and me. We’ve had dinner several times, watched television, even worked around one another for several days. It may be the longest Cass and I have ever gone without fighting. The more time I’m with her, the more I want to be around her, which is not my typical response. This is, I think again as I peer over to my left where the girl is sitting, laughing at something Matt is saying.
A girl, no strings, no attachments or emotions, just a simple attraction between two people.
“So, Paxton, tell me again what you do,” says Hilary, the woman I’m with for the night. She smiles as she puts her cocktail to her mouth and sucks on the tiny straw meant for stirring, not drinking ou
t of. I smile back, partly because I know I’m not making this night very fun for her. She had an expectation about tonight, and I’m ruining it. She’s making every attempt to get my attention, and no matter how hard I try, I just can’t muster any interest.
Matt kicks me under the table and I grimace. I give him a look that lets him know if we weren’t in polite company, I’d kick his ass.
Looking at the shining eyes of the woman next to me, I answer, “I’m an architect for the Bonner Company. And you? What do you do?” I make an effort to participate in the night. Why wouldn’t I? Even if Cass is a constant in my mind, she’s nothing more than my friend, and she has Richard. I told her we would move past whatever started between us, and this is me trying to move past it.
“Well, I’m a preschool teacher, and I teach yoga on the weekends.” She grins.
We all continue our conversation throughout dinner. Matt regales them with stories of our childhood, and I even tell them about living on the east coast for years and in Europe for a year. By the end of happy hour, I can honestly say I’m having a great time. It’s obvious that if I wanted to, I could continue the evening with the teacher at her place. Again, if I were acting like the real Paxton Luke, I wouldn’t even hesitate.
Tonight is different, though; I’m different, yet I’m not particularly willing to admit the reason behind my change.
Matt turns to me. “Let’s hit up that new club off South Market. I’m sure the girls will be into it.” He glances in the direction of the ladies’ room where our dates disappeared a moment ago.
“Nah, I think I’m going to call it a night,” I inform him, bracing myself for his reaction.
“What the fuck, dude? What’s your problem tonight? You’ve been quiet all night and now this!” Matt rants. “She’s hot,” he adds, like I’ll change my mind if he points that out.
I release a low, humorless laugh. “Yeah, I have eyes, but I don’t know, dude. I’m just not feeling it tonight.”
Rolling his eyes, Matt shakes his head. “You haven’t been feeling it for a while now. It’s not just tonight. What’s going on with you?”
He waits for me to answer, and I think about what he just said. Is it true? Have I been acting differently for more than just tonight? I guess if I’m honest, I haven’t completely felt like myself since arriving back home, and then there’s this whole newfound friendship with Cass.
Downing the last sip of my beer, I shrug my shoulders. “I don’t know, I just feel like I want a change. Maybe I don’t want to keep doing the same thing over and over anymore. The only problem is, I don’t know what it is I want to do differently. Maybe it’s time I grow up and admit I just might want something different than what I always thought I wanted.”
“You’re freaking my shit out. I don’t think I ever thought you’d change, or want anything different. I guess I’ll call it a night too, and we can hang at my place,” Matt offers, but I can hear the disappointment in his voice.
“Seriously, I just want to go home. You go out, have fun. It’s not like you need me to be your wingman.” I slap him on his shoulder.
“Home? Isn’t Cass the Sass there? How’s that going anyway?” Matt knows the history between Cass and me; he’s been around as long as she has.
I rub a hand over my head and down my face. “It’s fine. Cass has actually been pretty awesome, and man can she cook. The most interesting thing is that we’re getting along.” By the look on Matt’s face, I can tell I’m shocking him with my answer.
Hands on his hips, he grins. “Huh. Okay, I’m not even going to go there and tell you how freaky it is to hear you talk about her without sarcasm. Does this mean she doesn’t hate you anymore?”
“I don’t know what it means,” I state solemnly. His brow quirks up, but he doesn’t push it like I know he wants to. It’s the best thing about Matt—he knows when to quit.
The girls are heading back toward us, new coats of lipstick on their lips and smiles on their faces. She really is hot. As they walk up, I stick my hand out in a gesture to keep things friendly and to also signal my departure. “It was so nice meeting you both, but I have to get out of here.” The smile drops from Hilary’s face. “Enjoy your night. Talk to you later Matt. Be nice to these ladies and treat them to a good time,” I say as I walk away backward toward the front of the bar.
When I step outside, I take a deep breath of the cool, foggy air around me.
I can’t believe I’m walking away from a beautiful girl who is most likely a sure thing to go home to watch television and go to bed alone. Matt’s right—I’ve lost my mind.
Past
Cass: Age 7
Paxton: Age 9
Dad finally replaced the wheels on my skateboard, so Matt and I are cruising around the neighborhood. Mom even said I could start riding my board to school now that I’m in the sixth grade.
“Hey Pax! Watch me jump this curb,” Matt shouts as his board gains a little air on the small cement obstruction.
“Dude, that’s easy. We need to find something to build a ramp with.” I pick up my board and walk into the garage, looking for any materials sturdy enough to use to make a small ramp, one my mom will approve of—she’s a worrier, or at least that’s what my dad says.
Matt follows me into the garage just about the time Laney and Cass come running out of the house.
“Mom said you have to play with us!” Laney announces. When I look at Cass beside her, she’s staring me in that weird way she does.
“Whatever! We’re making a ramp, and you’re a girl. You’ll get hurt and then cry and I’ll be blamed for it, so no way!” I shout as Matt stands beside me, nodding his head in agreement.
Laney stomps her feet and lets out a frustrated groan.
Cass smiles brighter. “I can do it. I won’t get hurt. I’m good at skateboarding!”
Matt and I burst out laughing, doubling over at the waist. I catch a glimpse of Cass’s face—there’s a frown there now, and she looks like she might cry. Now I feel a little bit bad, but only for a second. I do hate hurting her feelings though.
Laney pushes her shoulders back and steps in front of me. “Be nice, Pax! We can do anything boys can. We’ll prove it to you!”
My eyes narrow at my little sister. “Wanna bet?”
Laney narrows her eyes back at me. She may be two years younger and a couple of inches shorter, but she is tougher than most girls I know. We’re standing toe to toe now and she snarls, “Absolutely!” She sticks her hand out toward me so we can shake on it. Matt and Cass stand to our sides, glaring at one another in support of their teams. “What do Cass and I get when we win?”
“I’ll let you play with Matt and me for a month, no questions asked.” Matt sighs next to me so I jab him with my elbow. He winces but keeps his mouth shut. “If we win then I get to have all of your bacon at breakfast for the next month.”
Laney and Cass look at one another with huge grins on their faces then Laney turns and sticks out her hand. “Deal! Let’s shake on it.”
I take her hand and seal our agreement.
For the next thirty minutes, we build our makeshift ramp. It’s not bad for two eleven-year-old boys and a couple of little girls. Since I’m the heaviest, I test it out to make sure it can support our weight.
“Okay, let’s go. Matt and I go first then you two,” I inform Laney and Cass. They nod their heads in agreement and sit on the curb to watch.
Matt goes first and makes a pretty impressive jump, throwing his hands in the air in triumph for effect. Laney glares at him while Cass claps. Now her eyes flash to mine, and again, I feel weird because of what I see in them when she looks at me. It’s strange. Her face gets all shiny, and her eyes are full. The worst part is I think she looks kind of pretty when she does it, but…gross. For one, it’s Cass, and two, I want nothing to do with girls.
When I come up on the ramp, I reach down and grab my board, lifting it into the air with me. Matt yells, Cass claps, and Laney just grimaces. I land sm
oothly and skate directly back to where the girls are sitting.
“Okay, who’s first?” I ask, giving Laney a sharp look.
Despite my hinting, she doesn’t stand up first, Cass does. Beaming at me as usual, she reaches for my board, practically singing her response to my question. “I am.”
Reluctantly, I hand her the board. “Are you sure, Cass?”
She pats me on the shoulder like she’s petting her cat and nods her head. “Yep, I’m positive. Don’t worry Pax, I won’t get hurt.”
Putting my hands on my hips, I stare her down. I hate when she and Laney talk to me in that motherly way. “Well, if you do, don’t you dare let me see you cry! Crying is for wimps!” She flinches a little when I say it and once again, the hurt I see makes me feel kind of bad.
Laney stands up and pushes my shoulder. “Shut your pie hole, Pax! Cass is brave and tough!” I just roll my eyes.
Cass walks at least five yards away from the ramp for a head start, and I can see her lips moving as she counts to herself. There’s only a moment of hesitation before she’s skating toward the ramp, gaining speed as she goes. Cass hits the ramp at full speed, her eyes wide as she bends to catch the edge of her board, and it’s perfect. I watch in awe.
Then it happens—she lands just a little bit off balance and the board goes flying out from under her. She screams. Laney screams. I’m running toward her before she ever hits the ground. I make it to her within seconds of her landing sideways, hand out to break her fall.
So stupid. I should’ve never made this bet with them.
When I bend beside her, I can see her wrist is definitely broken. I say her name, but she isn’t making a sound. “Cass?” I say again. Matt and Laney are standing beside us now, but I don’t even pay attention to them. I wait for Cass to say or do something. Her head turns in my direction, and when her eyes meet mine, I’m amazed to find her not crying. She’s only biting her bottom lip and water is shining in her eyes, but no tears fall. Not a single one.
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