Do I feel the same? Or do I want this to happen again?
Before I can even respond, she’s gone. Cass and I had sex, it was unbelievable…and she left me alone immediately after.
Present
Walking slowly through the dark living room, I fight the urge to turn back. With every step, I consider turning around and asking him the one question I need an answer to, but with each step, I keep moving forward, afraid to move too fast and even more afraid to run away from him.
I took the chance. I looked into his eyes and begged him to see the question in mine, the one I couldn’t find the strength to ask out loud. Was I kidding myself? I said it meant nothing so I have no right to have expectations, but it felt so good, so right being with Paxton.
Part of me hoped he would follow me, tell me not to go back to my room, to stay with him—only part of me though. The other half is glad he didn’t stop me because it would only make it harder to walk away later.
When I reach Laney’s room—my room for the last few weeks—I close the door behind me.
I drop my clothes to the floor, pull back the covers, and crawl into bed. I’m unable to hold back the tears that have been threatening to fall since I turned my back on him, and they stream slowly down my face. I’m not crying because I slept with Pax; I’m crying because I saw only confusion in his eyes when I walked away.
I close my eyes, and the tears fall until I fall asleep.
I’m not sure how long I’ve been asleep, but it feels like hours and no time at all when I feel someone slide into bed next to me. I know it’s him because I’d recognize the woodsy spice smell of Paxton anywhere. I don’t move or open my eyes, not even when his arm slides over my waist and he pulls me back into his chest.
His breath whispers against my ear. “Don’t ask me to leave, Cass. Please just listen.” I don’t say anything. I wouldn’t even if I could because having him hold me feels so good. When I don’t say anything, he continues, “My god, Cass, when you just got up and left, it didn’t feel right, but being with you did…does. I don’t know what that means, I only know I lay there wishing you were with me still. I’m trying to respect your wishes and accept that it meant nothing, but I’m not sure I can.” He kisses my neck then the top of my bare shoulder.
It feels so good, it’s making it hard to think, but I know I need to say something. His heart beats against my back, and I feel the quick rhythm of it—he’s nervous, and so am I. Paxton doesn’t move when I turn over to face him. I can tell he’s holding his breath, waiting for me to respond.
“Pax, this is scary. There are so many what-ifs between us and it scares the shit out of me. You make me crazy. I’m not sure—” He interrupts me with a brush of his lips. I’m stunned at first, but when he moves closer and we’re face to face, skin to skin, my reaction is automatic, natural.
His lips move down my neck and between kisses, he murmurs, “It’s scary for me too. I don’t know what any of this really means, I only know I want you. What happened between us didn’t satisfy a curiosity, it only made it worse.” Pax’s lips cover mine again and he deepens the kiss. I willingly accept it, so perfect, so gentle. Every touch makes me feel alive.
His hands begin to move over my body, over my hips, until they slide between my legs. I open willingly, allowing them access to the spot they were searching for. He teases me with his fingers to give him more access and a moan slips from my lips. “Fuck, Cass, you’re so wet,” he murmurs as his fingers slide in, finding the spot and making it impossible to have a coherent thought. His name sounds like a demand when it leaves my mouth, a demand he willingly fulfills as he moves faster at my most sensitive spot. My fingernails dig into his back as I pull him closer, wanting him closer, needing him closer. Then, suddenly, I’m falling apart, panting his name over and over. It’s like his name is the only word I know.
At the same time, with his face buried between my neck and shoulder, he repeats my name. “Cass…Cass…Cass, that’s it baby, let go.” His voice is reverent. I clutch him to my shaking body, and we both hold on to one another.
When I start to move my hand down his body, taking his hard length into my palm, he sighs. I begin moving my loose grip along his shaft, listening for cues from him to be sure it feels good to him. It feels almost as good pleasing him as it was being pleased.
“Faster, Cass…I’m so close,” he groans. I slide my hand faster as I press my lips to his, kissing him deeply, loving the feeling of connection. I don’t stop until he shouts my name one last time. “Cassandra!”
It’s only a moment before he pulls me back against his chest once more and kisses my forehead softly.
“What is this?” he asks out loud. I’m not sure he expects an answer, and I can’t give him one even if he does. We don’t say anything else, just hold each other until we both fall asleep.
The next morning when I wake up, Paxton is no longer beside me. I feel a little deflated, but I knew this would happen. It’s the reason I said all of this meant nothing. Pushing the comforter aside, I slowly get out of bed and pull on my robe from where it’s lying across the chair in the corner.
Padding across the floor, I go in the bathroom to wash my face and brush my teeth. I think about showering, but decide I need coffee first. As I walk into the kitchen, I’m trying to figure out how I’m going to act around Paxton after all that happened between us last night. I come to a dead stop when the very person I’m thinking about turns around with a huge grin on his face.
“Good morning,” he says, walking over to me and placing a light kiss on my lips. “How’d you sleep?” He turns, picks up a coffee cup, and places it in my hand.
Still stunned, I manage to answer him. “Umm, good. Better than good.”
“Me too,” he admits, placing another kiss on my lips. “Sorry, I told you I didn’t think I’d be able to get enough.” His smile widens. He looks happy.
A loud, boisterous laugh erupts from me.
“What is so funny?” he asks, taking a sip of his coffee and smacking me on the ass as he walks past me. “Are you naked under there?” he asks before I have time to answer his other question.
“Nothing is funny, it’s just…” I begin to tell him this all feels so surreal, but change my mind. “Yes…maybe I am naked.” I take in his body. He’s only wearing boxers, and the V of his torso sends chills along my skin. Why does he have to be so damn good-looking?
He sets his mug down, takes mine, and places it on the counter next to his before wrapping his arm around my waist and pulling me against him. When I look into his eyes, I notice they’re shining in a way I’ve never seen. I barely have time to notice though because he’s covering my mouth with his, teasing my lips apart so he can deepen the kiss. Will I ever want to kiss anyone else?
The kiss is hard but brief. When he pulls away, he looks at me. “Damn, I wish I didn’t have to leave for a meeting at the building site.” His voice sounds a bit husky and full of regret. He gives me another quick kiss on the lips. “I have to get going, see you later tonight?”
I stare at him, dumbfounded. What is happening? I realize he asked me a question and I haven’t said anything. “Uh…yeah, yeah. I’ll see you tonight.”
With one last grin, he disappears into his room, leaving me standing in the kitchen alone, confused, and a little worried that we didn’t really resolve anything last night. It feels too fast—or maybe I’m thinking too much.
It’s Paxton. This is what I’ve always wanted, or at least close to what I’ve always wanted…I think. Really, I’m not even sure what this is.
I realize my heart is beating fast, as it always has when I think about Paxton. This time I just don’t know if I should remind it that he isn’t ours.
Present
I’ve done nothing but think of Cass all day, even when I needed to concentrate on the detailed issues with our schedule for the completion of the job. She has taken over every part of my mind. It’s everything I always knew I would feel, but never allowed m
yself to give in to—with good reason. I knew she would consume me. When my boss called from New York with the news of a new offer and praise for my work, I felt excited, but only briefly. It’s the one thing I’ve worked my whole life for, and I should be more thrilled with this new prospect than I am. This is why I never allowed myself to go here, but now it’s too late.
Shockingly, I told him I would need to get back to him. He was just as surprised as I am with my need for time. He gave me one day because he needs an answer. I need to see Cass.
So, when I walk in the door, I’m not surprised that my first instinct is to search her out.
I can hear the television is on. It’s late, almost ten o’clock. I expected to be home earlier, but I didn’t have any choice but to stay and work out every kink with this project because it’s my responsibility. It’s huge and means everything for what I’ve been working so hard to achieve.
When I walk around the corner of the foyer into the living room, I see her immediately.
She’s lying on the couch in a t-shirt that barely covers the tops of her thighs. Her lacy lavender panties hug her butt cheeks, peeking just below the hem of the shirt. She’s breathtaking, always has been, and it’s strange standing here watching her, knowing I can touch her if I want to without question. Cass—I’ve touched her, been inside her. She’s mine. The thought is something I’ve always felt toward her, but is it any truer now? Is she mine? Can she be? Do I want her to be only mine?
I walk to her side and she doesn’t wake up. I begin undressing right there in the living room until I’m down to nothing. It’s presumptuous, but I can’t bring myself to even contemplate her turning me away.
Kneeling beside her, I place my lips to her ear and whisper, “Cass…wake up.” When she begins to stir, I pull back and look down at her face. Her eyes flutter open and a small smile forms on her lips. I press my lips against hers gently then pull back. “Cass, I want you.”
Her eyes tell me everything I need to know. I begin to pull her t-shirt up her body and she helps me. Sitting up, she pulls it the rest of the way off.
When she finally gets a good look at me, her eyes widen, and she looks at me with a quirk of an eyebrow when she realizes I’m naked.
“I said I want you,” I say breathlessly as I look at her sitting naked except for her panties, her pert breasts begging me to put my mouth on them. I lean forward, taking her nipple into my mouth. She moans as I suck and run my tongue over it then whimpers when I pull back.
Rising to my feet, I pull her up too. “Is this okay?” I ask, looking into her eyes.
She smiles, and it’s the most beautiful smile I’ve ever seen. “I want you too, Pax.”
It’s all I need to hear before I pull her to me, kissing her mouth hard and fast. She pushes back with as much fervor as I do. Our hands move over one another’s bodies like we need to feel every part of each other to be sure this is real.
When we finally come up for air, I’m harder than I’ve ever been before. I place my lips against her skin as I move down her body until I can reach inside my jean pocket and pull out the one thing keeping me from taking her right now. I slip it over my rock-hard length while my fingers caress her wet center.
Standing back up, I turn her and sit on the couch, guiding Cass to straddle me. She moves over me, pressing her lips to my chest, and I sigh at the sensation it sends through my body. Her tongue darts out, and this time she sucks my nipple between her lips. I suck in a breath, the feeling shocking.
Pulling away, her eyes meet mine. “I thought about you all day.” She exhales then lowers her body onto mine. We both gasp as we become fully connected, our eyes closed.
When I open mine, Cass is watching me as she begins to move up and down, creating the perfect friction. I begin moving with her, lifting her as she comes down on me.
“Fuck…Cass, you feel so damn good.” My voice is a little strangled.
“Paxton,” she says between pants.
We’re both getting closer as we move faster until we go over the edge and crumple against one another. Our breathing is heavy from exertion, our hot bodies sticking together. Her weight feels perfect against me, and the fact that I’m still inside her makes this all feel more intimate. When she starts to move off of me, I almost stop her, but I don’t. I just help her, pulling the condom off and dropping it on my clothes then lying on my side, pulling her with me in my embrace.
“Pax, what are we doing? Is this safe?” she asks me, confusing me with her question.
“Honestly, I don’t know, Cass,” I admit honestly. She stiffens a little. I can’t tell her yet because I don’t even know what I’m doing. It will hurt her, so I go with the truth of this moment. “I do know that you feel like home, and home is safe, so as long as this feels like home, I think we’re safe.” She relaxes.
“Home,” she states simply. We’re both quiet a minute then she reminds me, “You know, my apartment will be ready tomorrow. I’ll be moving back home.” She’s only going to be one floor away, so why does that feel like too far away?
“No, I forgot. I can’t believe it’s been a month already. I guess Laney will be coming home soon anyway.” I don’t want the happy feeling of having Cass in my arms to end, but I can feel it dissipating with every word I don’t say of the words I need to say.
I can feel her frown against me. “Uh, yeah, and we’ll only be one floor apart. It’s not like we’ll be in different countries.” My heart aches. She lifts up on her elbow, looking down at me. “Pax, is Laney going to be okay with this?”
“Laney doesn’t have a say in what happens between us, only we do.” Jesus, Paxton keep talking. Tell her. I just don’t know what to say when I don’t even know what I’m doing, what this means for whatever we just started. “Cass, I…I…”
“Stop. Don’t say anything. We don’t need to define this because it’s home. It’s safe.” She lays her head back down on my chest, and I wonder if she can feel my heart being torn in two.
Past
Cass: Age 21
Paxton: Age 23
“Can you believe he’s still not coming home?” Laney rolls her eyes as she paints her toenails a bright shade of pink. She just returned from Paxton’s graduation from NYU. I didn’t go; I made an excuse of having summer classes and no time. It’s been five years since I last saw him. I’ve only spoken to him once, on New Year’s a couple of years ago. It’s like he never existed, except he did, and if I’m honest, I never stopped thinking of him.
“Not at all,” I say, trying to sound nonchalant.
“Nope.” She uses a piece of cotton to wipe away a little polish she got on the side of her toe. “He’s going straight to London. He’ll be there a year, and then who knows where he will go after. What a butthole. I mean, I hate to admit it, but I miss him and was hoping he would come home.”
He’s not coming home, and maybe it’s for the best. Maybe I can finally commit to Richard fully; I’m not sure what’s been holding me back anyway.
“Well, good for him. It’s what he always wanted. Pax has always wanted to work for a big architecture company and be at the top. This opportunity will get him there.” I’m not sure who I’m trying to convince, but I know it’s the truth.
She looks up at me. “Yeah, you’re right. Who am I to try to hold him back from his dream?” She resumes painting her toes.
“Exactly. Who would try to keep him from his dream?”
I lie back on my bed, willing away the ache in my chest.
Present
It’s been nearly twenty-four hours since I moved all of my things back up to my apartment, and it feels strange being in here. It doesn’t even really feel like home anymore.
I’m not sure if Pax is home yet from his meeting, but I walk down the stairwell to Laney’s apartment.
Instead of knocking, I use my key to go in because if he’s not home, I’m just going to wait for him, but when I enter, I hear him talking in the living room. He sounds nervous and a little upse
t.
I walk quietly through the foyer, stopping at the edge of the living room.
He doesn’t hear or see me because his back is to me; he’s on the phone and he’s pacing in front of the window.
“Mitch, I know you gave me an extra day, but I need more time to consider your offer,” he says into the phone. He sounds upset so I remain quiet. “Of course, it’s exactly what I always wanted, I just thought I had a few more years.” An uneasy feeling settles in my stomach. What is he talking about? I should let him know I’m here, but I remain quiet. Paxton pauses then says, “I only just moved home, I…some things…yes, I understand you need an answer. Yes…Yes…No, of course not. When do I need to leave?”
I don’t mean to do it, but my hand flies to my mouth and a loud gasp slips past my lips.
Paxton swivels around, his eyes widening when he sees me. He starts to walk toward me. “Cass…”
Dropping my hand, I take a step back. I feel like I might throw up when the question leaves me. “You’re leaving again?” I take a step back and turn for the door. I need to get out of here.
Paxton matches every step of my retreat and I hear him say, “Mitch, I need to call you back.” As I pull the door open, his voice is almost right behind me. “Cass, please wait. Let me explain.”
I run out the door, slamming it behind me. I don’t wait for his explanation. I only know I need to get away from him. How could I do this to myself? How could I let him in again?
“Cass!” I hear him shout as I run up the stairway—he’s just behind me.
When I enter my apartment, I shut the door, locking it behind me and sliding to the floor. That’s when the dam breaks and the tears flow. I wrap my arms around myself, trying desperately to hold myself together.
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