Love Wasted

by Shirl Rickman

  A moment later, Paxton tries opening the door, and when he realizes it’s locked, he begins banging on it. “Cass, please let me in!”

  “Go away, Paxton. Please just go away,” I beg through my tears.

  “Let me explain. It’s not exactly what you think. I was going to tell you tonight, was going to talk to you,” he pleads with me.

  “Go away, please,” I cry, a tiny sob escaping.

  “Jesus, Cass.” I hear him slide down to the floor on the opposite side of the door, and his voice sounds closer when he speaks again. “Please, let’s talk about this. They offered for me to head the office in London.” His confession pierces my heart; it’s exactly what I thought.

  Through tears, I ask, “When did they offer you this job, Pax? Before or after?”

  “God, what does it matter?” he asks, desperation clear in his voice.

  “It matters,” I say plainly.

  “After our first night and before our second. I asked them for time to think. I wanted to talk to you about it, but when I came home and saw you lying on the couch, I just wanted another moment without big decisions between us. I wanted to enjoy just being with you. I wanted…I want you so badly. I’ve wanted you for years, and I finally gave in to my attraction to you. I just wanted it without being pulled in a different direction, even if it was just for one night. I planned on talking to you tonight.”

  I hiccup, putting my face in my hands. After a moment, Pax says my name. “Cass?”

  Standing up, I open the door. Paxton jumps up and rushes me, pulling me into his arms, but I don’t hug him back. When he pulls back, he looks at me questioningly and says my name again. “Cassandra?”

  Shaking my head, I pull away. “It’s your dream.” More tears quietly stream down my face.

  He reaches out for my hands, taking them as he tries pulling me toward him. “So are you. In some strange way, you always have been.” His confession sparks a little hope, but the reality of our current situation and our past doesn’t allow it to become a flame.

  “No, you were always mine.” My confession is real and raw. It hurts because I know I’m not going to let him give up this job for me, and he’ll be thankful that I don’t ask him to. “Take the job, Pax. It’s what you always wanted, and I can’t let you resent me for making you choose.”

  “God, Cass, no,” he chokes out, tears forming in his eyes.

  “I want you to leave—please leave,” I ask him, almost begging. He shakes his head no, denying my request. “Leave!” I shout, pushing him toward the door.

  His shoulders fall when he realizes he isn’t going to convince me. Turning for the door, he only looks back when he goes to close the door behind him. He looks like he might say something, but then starts to shut the door. He stops just before it’s closed and whispers through the crack, just loud enough for me to hear him, “You felt like home, Cass.” Then he’s gone.

  A sob escapes and I stare at the closed door, trying to remember how to hate Paxton Luke instead of loving him.

  Present

  It’s been a week. I haven’t seen Cass, and she hasn’t returned any of my calls. I’ve called her at least a dozen times. Now I have exactly two hours before I have to be at the airport.

  In the last week while I prepared for this move, I haven’t stopped thinking about her. Even when I broke the news to my parents, the pain of that was nothing compared to the hurt of that day with Cass. She looked broken, just like the day I told her I could never love her all those years ago.

  Love her…

  Jesus, I need to talk to her. I drop the shirt I was about to place in my suitcase and run for the door. Please let her be home.

  When I pull the door open, I nearly slam into the one person I want to see but least expected to. Her hand is in midair, preparing to knock on the door. “Cass!” I say in surprise.

  She pulls her hand back and tucks a piece of hair behind her ear. “Oh, are you leaving already? Your mom said you didn’t need to be—”

  I reach out and pull her against me without letting her finish. “Cass, I…I need to tell you—”

  “No Pax, I need to tell you…I’m sorry I’ve pushed away this last week. God, I’ve pushed you away practically our whole lives. I’m sorry. It’s just…I can’t forget you, as much as I try or as much as I should, because I know you can never pick me. I shouldn’t expect you to because if I love you the way I say I do, then I should want you to have everything you ever dreamed of—”

  “You love me?”

  She looks at me wide-eyed, nervous, like she didn’t even realize she said it.

  “Cass, I can’t go.” Shaking my head, I hug her then push her back again. “I can’t leave you because I realize now, that dream—the idea of success and everything I’ve always wanted from life—includes you.” I let her go and begin pacing. “Shit, I almost fucked up again.” I turn and face her, and she’s staring at me with a hesitant smile on her face. “I spent my whole life chasing after something that would never be complete because you weren’t there. Don’t you see? It’s the reason why the moment Mitch asked me, I didn’t give him an immediate answer. It wasn’t really my dream, or at least it wasn’t all of it, the most important part of it. You are.” I step toward her again, taking a hold of her arms and gazing into her shocked eyes. “Cass, I’ve always been crazy about you, knowing the moment I had one taste, I’d be addicted, never able to get enough of you. You’ve always had me wasted on your love. I love you, Cass.” I grab her face and press my mouth against hers. “I love you! Do you hear me? Say something!”

  The three words I’ve waited basically my entire life for Paxton Luke to say just left his mouth, and my mind is taking too long trying to wrap around the fact that he just said I am his dream and he loves me.

  He stares at me, waiting for me to respond to his confession.

  “Did I say something wrong? Oh, shit, do you still hate me?” he asks, sounding like the little boy I adored my entire childhood.

  Shaking my head as tears stream from my eyes, I finally say the words I’ve honestly felt for years. “I love you too, Pax.”

  He kisses me hard and fast, and when he pulls away, grinning, he says, “Now that sounds so much nicer than you hating me.”

  Smiling, I press my lips to his over and over again. “I never really hated you, but there’s no doubt I tried. You made it practically impossible.” Then I place a long, hard kiss against his willing mouth. He kisses me passionately and with so much love.

  He ends our kiss and looks down at me. “Now what happens?”

  My heart feels full as I grin up at him. “I think our dreams come true.”

  Staring out the window, my eyes roam over the foggy, misty streets of London. It’s peaceful. Sighing, I settle a little farther into Paxton’s embrace. His lips press softly against my forehead.

  “Thank you,” he says on an exhale, his breath fluttering against my skin.

  In the year that has gone by since Paxton told me he loved me and I told him the same, he has said this many times. When he said he’d give up everything and stay with me in San Francisco, give up his dream job, I knew I couldn’t let him do it. Luckily, I can work anywhere, so we packed up and moved a month later.

  “You always say that, and I’ve told you it isn’t necessary to thank me,” I tell him without turning around. “It wasn’t just for you. It was for us.”

  He turns me around in his arms, dropping his arms to circle my waist and pull me forward. His mouth covers mine in a gentle kiss and when he pulls back, he stares down into my eyes.

  “Us. I really love us. I will never stop thanking you for making my dreams come true,” he responds.

  “Our dreams,” I state emphatically, taking his hand and placing it over the roundness of my belly.

  “Our dreams,” he repeats, dropping to his knees and placing a kiss where his hand was just resting.

  When he looks up at me, his eyes shimmering with unshed tears, I caress his cheek and he lea
ns into it. It’s a safe and beautiful feeling to know he loves me.

  Her hand is warm against my cheek, her touch silky soft. Everything about the life Cass and I have shared while living here in London has been full of honesty and love. It’s a life I’m not sure I ever thought would be mine, especially with the girl I spent my life trying to forget.

  I kiss her round belly one more time before taking her hand again and placing it next to mine on her stomach.

  “Marry me.” My voice cracks with emotion, and my eyes focus on her gaze as her eyes open wide with shock. “Marry me, Cass.” I slide one hand over and cover hers as I pull a ring from my pocket with the other. Tears begin to slowly fall down her cheeks, and a smile spreads across her beautiful face.

  She nods her head yes, and I slide the ring on her finger. She pulls on my hand and I follow her direction, standing up as she wraps her arms around my neck, tears now flowing freely as we laugh and I hold her in my arms.

  “We’re going to love one another, Cass. We’re going to love each other for the rest of our lives.”

  Her lips crash against mine.

  I’ll never get tired of kissing her. I’ll never get tired of loving her.

  I can’t wait to live my life drunk off her love.

  To my Dave, thank you for seventeen years of being wasted on love for you. I always thought I learned to love from my parents, but I now know that isn’t true. It was you. I will miss you forever and love you even longer. Our love was a beautiful novella, one I never wanted to end, filled with love, angst, and happiness. Thank you for loving Sienna and me so completely.

  To Sara Ney, thank you for your love, friendship, and constant belief in me. Your advice and inspiration are incomparable.

  To Christine Kattnauer, thank you for always stepping up any time I need you. I love you.

  To Laurie Darter, thank you for your honesty and love.

  To all of my Nerd Herd Admins-Emma Hart, Sara Ney, Rachel Schneider, ME Carter, J.D. Hollyfield, Andrea Johnston, & Andee Michelle: Thank you for lifting me up. Supporting me. Making me feel a part of the crazy book community. And, making me laugh even when I haven’t had much to laugh about. You all are my heroes.

  My Rickman Rebel’s leaders- Shawn Garcia, Kristen Teshoney, & Tamara Estes… thank you for your support. Shawn, you keep things afloat with your daily post.

  To the Rebels, thank you for showing me love and support.

  To C. Marie- you saved me. You know why I’m saying this and I look forward to many more books together.

  To Julie Titus, thank you for never letting me down and your friendship.

  Shirl Rickman is a writer, a dreamer, and an optimist. A small-town Texas girl currently residing in the San Francisco Bay Area, Shirl adores her husband, daughter, and two crazy dogs. When she’s not dreaming up new love stories, Shirl can be found reading, drinking her favorite coffee, Kona Blend with coconut milk. She loves kindness, laughing and meeting her readers.

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