by Kerry Leigh
I couldn’t look at her anymore, not when she was like that I hadn’t felt like shit since April left. I guess that’s true. Maybe this is me, and I don’t care.
“Excuse me?” Jess said.
“You don’t care about what exactly.”
“All this. Fucking everything up as usual.”
“No,” she shouted. “I must be going delusional because this whole stupid idea was yours, to save your life, your inheritance, your dignity. Why on earth would you sabotage that.”
Emotions swelling, I moved closer to her. She was right. I hadn’t thought.
“Something inside me has changed and I can’t grasp it. It’s like I’m a painter gone blind. I can feel it, all the joy and happiness, but also the resentment. I can reach out but as soon as I reach out it turns to smoke. We were there on the dance floor, and you looked so gorgeous talking about the plan. Then you mentioned leaving for Europe and I thought… dark thoughts took over and so I acted."
"Acted on what?" Jess said, and she took a half step away from me. "Logan, I don’t follow you."
“Me neither Jess. A dark force rose inside and compelled me to do something massive and life changing. So, I went with the first thing on my head. It was like a forgotten part of me had resurfaced of its own wish and taken over. Perhaps I wanted to have that for my life. I wanted to have my cake and eat it too. Declare to my parents my gorgeous fiancée I fell in love with, was carrying our child. I saw a lifetime in a blink of time and I ran with it.”
Jess shook. I couldn’t read her face. But she looked pained and sad.
"I’m sorry for everything. Trust isn’t something I do but you more than earned it. But I messed it all up, and I understand if you think I’m an asshole. " I didn’t know what to say. "Come on. Talk to me here.”
Jess looked at me, as if she was experiencing a painful memory.
"I think... you need to go Logan."
I felt hurt. Her words cut deep and I didn’t’ know what to do, beside after all I did she needed her own time to think things through. Until she needed me, I wouldn’t bare to be in the same room with her.
I turned and left our penthouse.
20
JESS
I walked downstairs took the elevator downstairs and found Kaitlin at the bar. Evening arrived and there were many people scattered around talking having fun but I just wanted something to come and ruin their day. That’s how pissed off I was. I saw women in extravagant dresses and without a care in the world.
Kaitlin saw and waved at me as I walked beside her and sat down at the bar. She seemed a little tired, but I supposed she had to live a life of her own.
I downed the shot she gave me. “Jesus Christ, I needed that.”
“Welcome to the club, sister, I’ve had to work double shifts at work,” Kaitlin said, giving me a warm hug. “So, what have you been up to this week? Nothing illegal I hope.”
I gave a cold snort. “I don’t want to talk about it. Not here. What was that drink?”
“Well that was my bourbon you drank.”
My cheeks reddened. “Sorry?"
“No problem I charged it to your room.”
“What are best friends for right?"
"That was my drink.”
I had never liked scotch before something about the dry, acerbic after taste made me cringe inside, but somewhere along the way my tastes changed.
"Let’s get out of here."
We found a bar a dive bar around the corner of our apartment, ordered a couple beers and sat at a table.
"Things have gone horribly wrong. He told his parents I’m pregnant."
"Wait you’re having a baby" Kaitlin exclaimed, hand clasped around her mouth.
I sighed loudly. "Of course, I can’t be pregnant. That’s ridiculous. Babies take at least a couple weeks." I began telling Kaitlin the events of the past week. Both the good. And the bad.
"The pregnancy is part of the scam. Logan announced that I was pregnant with his child without consulting me, or even telling me five minutes before hand." I had never felt so angry in my life. I felt red with rage at this piss poor part of his plan. Everything’ is up in the air now.
“Why on earth would he railroad you like that?” Kaitlin asked.
I narrowed my eyes and gave a half shrug. “I thought you’d never ask. I have no clue.”
"We were dancing having the time of your life. Then Logan looked like ill, I thought he had an upset stomach, is what I thought at the time. But he excused himself out of the room for a refreshment. And when he returned he told them I was expecting."
“Fantastic.” Kaitlin said sarcastically. “I knew he was trouble that he just goes with whatever is in his head damn everyone else. Any who what happened next?”
"The Claytons looked so happy. Like an idealistic happy moment. There wasn’t much else I could do, except sit there numbly while everyone was fawning over me like I was a delicate statue. All the while I was trying to contain my shock and anger so no one could find anything amiss."
I felt so much anger at Logan. Yet I didn’t know why I wanted to keep the family happy.
"Then when we finally got back to our room, I broke down and chewed Logan out." I bit my lip and nodded thinking back to that night with angst.
My muscles were tense and agitated like a tight knit coil. Thankfully, the alcohol in my system had relaxed me.
“That sounds rough.” Kaitlin placed a comforting hand on my shoulder. “This thing between you… I think it’s evolved.”
"Huh what’s that supposed to mean?"
She blew out her breath. “You really don't see what happened?”
Then my body closed up as if I was afraid of what she was going to say next.
I was afraid of the truth. I narrowed my eyes at her.
"Jess, you’re in love with Logan. Aren't you?"
Hearing that confirmation was too much for me to handle. I shook and I couldn’t control my damned crying eyes, as I sobbed. Kaitlin, like a true friend, wrapped her arms around me in a comforting hug. It was like we were in a world of our own.
I sighed, wiped my red eyes and looked up at her. “I’m sorry for being so overly emotional."
“Look, this has probably been the most fun you’ve had in years." Kaitlin told me. “It’s just this ending was a bit piss poor."
“Damn it I thought you would be better after all this, I didn’t think it would get so…”
"Yeah, I know what you mean I said getting a tissue out of my purse and dabbing at my eyes. I feel like a dunce. Somewhere in the back of my mind I knew, I just knew I couldn’t pretend to be something like this. To be in a relationship. Not with Logan. I didn’t think he would be then man I now know him to be."
“How so Jess?” Kaitlin said.
“He’s a wonderful man. He’s charming, and sincere and sensitive - when we’re together it’s like he wants us to be on an island just the two of us. It’s like we’re on an island."
He actually liked me, and in a way that cut to the bone like it hasn’t been before. Compared to Logan, my past boyfriends were barely tolerating my existence. Like I was a cool girl to hang out with and throw the occasional fuck around. Someone that helps with the loneliness but only up to a certain point.
Logan felt my feelings and right now. I could feel my emotions overwhelm me. “I don’t want him to leave my life. I love him."
“Love.” Trudy said wrapping her arms around me.
“You really know how to get me in my feelings. Honestly, that’s the most beautiful thing I’ve heard you say. Even if he was acting like a total asshat.”
"I know you love him. But I don’ and he probably loves you. But I don’t know if you can trust him. I mean he kind of left you there and ran you under the bus."
I steeled my nerves and nodded. "I can’t forget about that, you’re right Kait. And I gave him hell for that. Believe in me, I got the point over extremely well. And yet, he felt instant regret. I could see it written all over hi
s face. He didn’t come looking for solace, he knew he was in the wrong and didn’t dance around the situation. He said he got compelled by something so he had to act in the worst way possible."
“So, he wasn’t angry?” feeling Kaitlin asked.
“God, no. I can’t remember what happened I said. We were having fun dancing talking about life. I told him I was getting used to the lifestyle and it would be a shame once I left for culinary school and that’s when he left the room."
Kaitlin’s eyes shot open. “Jess. Look. It’s all there. The writing is on the wall. Logan felt hurt that you would be leaving, for a place he wouldn’t even be able to see you and acted out like a child.”
“C’mon Kaitlin,” I said dabbing at my tears.
“I am serious.” Kaitlin declared.
"You painted a picture of a new, separate life for you in a foreign place, far from him and this reality he created is all going to tear to pieces so, what does Logan do? He goes off and makes an emotional decision to sooth his own heart."
"You probably couldn’t see it because you’re too close to the situation."
"You’re just trying to make me feel like I’m in the right and slightly less lame." I said.
"No, Jess. You’re stronger than that. And I’m not the sort of person to lie to you. You’re going through so much pain already.” Kaitlin said. “Just for a moment, think about it. Right now, you’re too close to the picture. Take a deep breath and look from a distance. And you’ll see that there maybe you’re not the only one struggling with changing expectations.”
I didn’t want to hear what Kaitlin was telling when you; Even though my heart yearned for to imagine this had all somehow become real. I was still too shaken up.
"Geez I don’t know what to do." I said with a hoarse voice. "On one hand Logan made that huge declaration about the pregnancy it’s as if fate is toying with me."
"Huh, what’s’ that supposed to mean?"
I grit my teeth and explained. "When my ex boyfriend left I was so traumatized that I didn’t think anyone would love me. I didn’t tell you that my ex didn’t cheat on me, but he said he wanted to go back home and fight for his ex-lover. He called her the love of his life and he left New York and moved back to Oregon. I didn’t think, I couldn’t picture a future, where I was happy and in love with a man and had a barrel of children."
“Oh honey.”
"I held in so much anger for the longest while, and then it disappeared and I couldn't feel much of anything after." I said.
"Babe, I can’t imagine what’s it’s been like holding that back all this time. He was a fickle and useless man. You are better than what he deserved."
“I know I am. Now." I said. "But here and now I have a new love to contend with. And I have no idea what to do with this situation. With Logan. The thought of packing my life away and from New York and never seeing him again."
I shut my eyes and felt my throat shut. But I don’t want to give up all my ambitions either. I can’t do either. I’m a mess and I don’t know what to do. I don’t know anything I don’t know if this is all some cruel ploy by Logan for whatever purpose he desires.
When I was angry at Logan my body got caught up in a swirl of emotions. Logan wanted to have, or at least catered to the idea that he wanted a child with me.
Kaitlin’s face contorted and showed a range of emotions but she settled on worried and love.
"Jess." Kaitlin said, "I haven’t seen you this happy in a long time, I can see a bright light coming from you. Even when you’re not around him it’s like you’re bursting with sunshine. Like you’re in a world all of your own. I know I should probably be calling him an asshole and telling you all sorts of things about men. But there you go."
I pursed my lips. Just what was she telling me...
“Logan makes your blood rush and you look happier than I can remember. Maybe you should come together admit to your mistakes and find a new way together.”
My eyes shot open. Like a knight about to ride off to the evil fortress and rescue his princess. "I won't give up all my dreams for a charming super rich lover. That’s not the life I thought I wanted. It feels like I don't even have time to sit down. This is all some fast, crazy dream."
"C’mon Jess, that’s some depressing bullshit." Kaitlin retorted, running a hand through her long black hair.
“Remember that time when we were kids and Kathy Reynolds tried to make he hit that frog with a stone. You were the one who parted her circle of friends and took my hand away. If it’s you I think anything’s possible. So why not try, hun?”
"This world is crazy and a whole lot of things happen but as long as you take charge and take the things around your life by the balls you can do whatever you want. You’re a great catch of a woman I mean you have a great package I can totally see why Logan's head is so befuddled by you. Is it that hard to believe it yourself?"
21
LOGAN
I spent the next day by myself, I didn’t even look at my phone. I remembered her face at the end, the fury and then the numbness as if she had lost the memory of our special bond. And it was misery for me. The only concern on my mind was seeing her, being with her, and kissing her beautiful lips once more.
Of course, I told my parents that Jess needed to recover and rest, and they believed it all, just happy that they would meet their grandchild in nine months. My father went to meet some old friends in a gentleman’s club, and my mother took another spa day and visited restaurants with some acquaintances.
When I felt stress the best thing I did was get started on my paintings. Creativity was a problem but this was the best avenue for working through my problems in the most creative way possible, actually creating something rather than destroying.
But as I blended the colors together, a sad painting of death or misery unfolded.
When the day ended and I hadn’t heard any news on my phone, my mood grew darker.
In spite of my mistakes I knew I could repair our relationship. I took the day to go out shopping but no matter what I couldn’t find anything that fit Jess’ personality. Nor could I find anything that would tell her just how much of a big mistake I made. I was that sorry. In the end, I came up empty handed.
Every time I thought back to that moment, the ball my stomach tightened more and I felt pain and anger flow through me, raw and deep, anger at the world that required me to conform to all my father’s wishes. It felt like I was on a crossroads of destiny. If I moved my foot in one direction, just one step and I could lose Jess forever. But then wasn’t that what that childish outburst was all about?
Ashamed to return home, I took the long way back to my penthouse after leaving empty handed, letting the cool evening wind keep me company as I walked a block to my penthouse. Even though I could go anywhere tonight, see anything or go to any club the only thing in my mind was Jess.
Jess was the only bright star in the dark skyline of my life.
Then my mind shifted to my parents when they heard about their grandchild, then all the holidays we would all spend together, that now, was at least on the back burner. All I wanted to do was make that a reality.
I knew I should be jumping in the air right now. As I expected this whole scam worked out, sure I expected risks. But I never took part in anything I had no confidence in. If it were anyone over than Jess, I might have admitted I lied right then and there in that first dinner meeting. God, my parents would leave, return to Texas with no clue just how idiotic I could be. I could say a couple things here and there, perhaps even more lies and some fake evidence that would explain Jess’s absence and my b eventual breakup. Hell, I could make it so awkward they wouldn’t dare ask what happened between us.
That would’ve worked - if I didn’t splice the story with an unexpected pregnancy.
Jess was right. It would be next to impossible to explain a split with my pregnant fiancée without any takeover from my parents. But it was too stressful to think of. My mind was narrow the plan had
no meaning anymore. The only thing I wanted was Jess.
I needed her to stay. I needed her to forgive me. I wanted something that would last for once in my life. So maybe all this drama I cooked up was my subconscious striking back at me after all these years.
Problem solving was always my forte, and now I could conjure up an image in my mind: A long life with Jess, watching her grow pregnant, helping out at her restaurant teaching my son or daughter how to play the guitar or watch them go to their first school play. All the things I missed out on as a child. Making sure Jess would always be happy there would never be a dark cloud in her life for as long as I lived. Did I want to make something of myself with Jess? Or was I just going to party myself away and wake up on old man with no one I loved around me?