Caleb let out a small sigh of relief then tried to loosen the constricting collar around his neck. The material of the black outfit he wore seemed to trap his body heat and reflect it back onto him in waves. His feet, confined in unfamiliar shoes, ached. He couldn’t remember the last time he’d felt so uncomfortable—a sobering thought, especially considering he was there willingly.
“You’re gonna dance with me, right, Uncle Caleb?” Emma Hathaway said, interrupting his thoughts from her perch on his lap.
He glanced down at the curly haired four year old dressed in a puffy dress and shiny shoes and found her big brown eyes watching him. He wasn’t her uncle, not by blood, and Caleb rather suspected that Emma’s mom, his friend Jesse Baker Hathaway, had given him the moniker just to make him sweat.
“Of course I am, sweet pea,” he replied.
Tucked into a corner farthest away from all the action, he eyed the dance floor. He should be in South America or somewhere in North Africa or the Middle East. How he had come to be wearing a custom tuxedo at a decadent reception in the quaint little village of Windsor on a chilly fall evening waiting to dance with tiny little person, was lost on him.
Only it wasn’t. Not really. Caleb watched a couple move into his line of sight—his younger sister Kit in the arms of Garret Cantona. Caleb had been to Windsor more times in the past year and a half than he had in the several years preceding put together. And it was all because of Kit. The strained and tumultuous relationship they’d had for years was a relationship he was now trying his best to rebuild.
As the music played, Kit slid her palms from Garret’s chest to behind his neck then tilted her head up. Garret smiled and obligingly leaned down and brushed a kiss across her lips. Caleb looked away. He may be much closer to his sister now than he had been since they were kids but that didn’t mean he had to sit there and watch his best friend kiss her. He had to draw the line somewhere, he thought as he turned his gaze back to the little girl who sat upon his knee.
“When, Uncle Caleb?” Emma pressed as she played with one of his jacket buttons.
“When this song ends, peanut.” It was a slow one; a song that had many couples swaying—Kit and Garret, and Emma’s parents, among them.
But not the bride and groom. Caleb swung his eyes over to where Drew and Carly Carmichael stood. Carly looked stunning in her gown, and Drew, with his fingers laced through hers, did not look the least bit interested in letting go of her. Smart man.
When he had first met Drew, Caleb hadn’t taken kindly to the fact that the CIA agent had involved Kit in the trafficking of intelligence. Then, when Caleb’s and Kit’s two worlds had collided in a spectacular mess eighteen months ago, Drew had been caught in the middle. But despite that less than auspicious beginning, somehow, all these months later, Caleb now found himself with Drew as a friend. And during his frequent visits to Kit, Caleb had become, if not friends, then at least friendly, with most of Kit’s social circle, including Carly. All of which explained his attendance at Windsor’s wedding of the year.
Again, he tugged at his collar—god, he hated tuxedos. He thought about untying the bow tie altogether but as he glanced around at the well-dressed guests and his gaze landed again on a smiling Carly and Drew, the phrase “suck it up buttercup” came to mind. There were more important things to think about—like the happiness of his friends—than his minor discomfort.
Caleb let out a small sigh of resignation but then a baby howled and his heart leapt into his throat. His eyes jumped in the general direction of the sound and he started scanning the crowd to locate the specific source.
“That’s just Charley,” Emma said.
“Charley? Matty and Dash’s baby, right?” Using a four-year-old for intel was a new low for him.
Emma nodded. “And he has a sister, too. Daphne.”
“What about those two?” he asked with a nod to two little boys chasing a balloon.
“That’s TJ and his cousin, Andrew. They’re Carly’s new family.”
Caleb wasn’t exactly sure what “new family” meant, but when he saw the boys run smack into the arms of two women, it made sense. Dani Fuller and Sam Carmichael pulled the boys onto their laps, laughing as they both proceeded to tickle their sons. TJ and Andrew seemed pleased with the tickle attack for approximately two seconds; then they both clambered off their respective mother’s laps and dashed off. Caleb had met Dani at around the same time he’d met Drew. He knew she’d been an agent at the CIA too, but had left the agency several years earlier. Sam, her twin sister, was married to Drew’s brother Jason. Carly’s new family.
Caleb turned his eyes away from all the family. His stomach churned and he felt his pulse kick up. There were too many people, too much family, too much love.
And just having that thought made him feel like an asshole.
He didn’t have anything against love, but having been more or less a loner for the past decade and a half, being relaxed in social situations, being comfortable with the casual intimacy of family and love, wasn’t one of his strongest skills. But he did like seeing his sister happy, and as she came back into view—still in Garret’s arms—it was quite clear that she was.
He smiled at the sight as he felt Emma tug at his bow tie.
“Is it crooked?” he asked, looking down at her.
“No,” she said, bending it back and peering at the knot. “I just want to see how it’s tied. My daddy wore the other kind of tie and my bows don’t look like this.”
Caleb smiled again. Emma liked to figure things out. She was a little like her brother James, a math and science savant who was currently out on the dance floor with his girlfriend.
“What’s James’s girlfriend’s name?” he asked.
“Chelsea. She’s nice, but I don’t see her as much anymore since she went to college.” Emma stumbled a bit over the word “college.”
“That happens.”
“Did you go to college?”
No, he thought. He’d had an education of a completely different kind. He’d spent his time and money teaching himself how to navigate the dirtiest, scummiest, least ethical people and places on the planet in an effort to destroy an empire his own father had built. It had been a far cry from the hallowed ivory towers his ancestors had graced.
“Let’s go dance,” he said as the song changed to something more upbeat, but not so upbeat that he wouldn’t know what to do with his feet.
Dropping her question with a squeal, Emma slid from his lap and caught his hand in hers.
Her fingers and palm felt so tiny in his and, in a rush, memories of a different time, of a different child, sucked the breath from his lungs. He nearly yanked his hand back and made for the exit, but Emma turned and smiled at him.
He forced himself to breathe. He didn’t have the right to pull away from her. He didn’t have the right to hurt her feelings by breaking his promise to her. He knew that. He believed it. Still, his heart raced and his mind began to spiral down into a deep, dark place.
A place where children died. A place too black with sorrow to even allow the light of mourning in. A place where parents buried their babies and silently went crazy from the pain.
“Uncle Caleb?”
He looked down. They’d come to a stop on the dance floor. He couldn’t dance. He couldn’t do it. He had no right to celebrate.
“Caleb?”
At the sound of Garret’s voice, Caleb’s eyes came up. As his former partner in the world of black ops and covert assignments, Garret Cantona was about the only person who could understand the crippling impact of a memory.
“Are you okay?” Kit asked from within Garret’s embrace.
Well, maybe Garret wasn’t the only one. Looking into his sister’s eyes, Caleb took a deep breath, inhaling her strength. She’d been through hell and still managed to love. Still managed to laugh. Still managed to dance.
He nodded. “It was just a moment, I’ll be fine.” Both Garret and Kit eyed him, but when Emma tugged on hi
s hand, he turned his attention to the sprite. Moment by moment, he willed his feet to move. Thirty seconds later, he was dancing with Emma, truly dancing—spinning her around and making a promise to himself to always be her favorite uncle.
Not wanting to break his promise, he let her convince him to escort her around the floor for another two songs. And when a slower song came on, he swung her up into his arms and swayed to the music, to her unending delight.
David and Jesse smiled as he slid by them with their daughter in his arms. As he twirled her around, he caught sight of Vivi DeMarco and her husband Ian, dancing together with their son Jeffery. His eyes took in the swell of her belly, and even though his breath hitched slightly at the thought of another baby being brought into this world, he made a mental note to ask Kit when her friend was due with her second child.
Garret tapped Caleb on the shoulder. “May I cut in?”
“I don’t know, peanut, what do you think?” Caleb asked, drawing his head back to look at Emma.
She looked at Garret, then at Caleb, then back again at Garret. “Is Kit going to dance with Uncle Caleb if I dance with you? I don’t want him to feel left out.”
“Yes, Kit is going to dance with her brother,” Kit said, stepping around Garret as Caleb handed Emma over to him. The little girl grinned, obviously pleased to have two dance partners vying for her attention.
“He’s not going to be nearly as fun as me, Emma, so you know where to find me when you get bored,” Caleb said as he took his sister’s hand in his.
“Ha!” Garret said as he gripped Emma and orchestrated a dramatic three-spin move away from them.
“I didn’t see him twirl you like that,” Caleb teased as his sister’s hand came up to rest on his shoulder and they began moving to the music.
“Because he knows I’d probably get sick on him if he did.”
Caleb’s eyes shot to his sister’s. She wasn’t one to get motion sickness and so the most obvious reason for her to be feeling nauseated was . . .
“You should see your face,” she said with a laugh. “But no, I’m not pregnant if that’s what you were wondering. Just getting over a little touch of the flu.”
Garret and Kit had been together for over a year and a half and had never mentioned marriage or kids, at least not to him. Knowing how happy they were, he hadn’t given it much thought, but seeing so many kids there that night, along with so many other happy couples, he wondered.
“Do you want kids?” he asked, not sure he really wanted to know the answer. She was still his little sister and he just hadn’t ever thought of her as having kids of her own.
Kit shrugged. “Probably not, but we’ll see. We have so many friends with kids that we certainly aren’t lacking for babies to spoil or kids to act as surrogate aunt and uncle to.”
Caleb wasn’t quite sure what to say. Kids, and whether people had them, wanted them or didn’t, was one of those topics he preferred to avoid discussing. Because whatever he said always felt like the wrong thing.
“What about you?” she asked.
A sharp pain lanced through him.
“I’m not even in a relationship,” he managed to say.
She tilted her head and studied him. “I didn’t mean now, it was a general question.”
He shook his head. The thought wasn’t one he could let himself contemplate. Not here. Not now. Not with so many families surrounding him and memories knocking at the door waiting to be let in.
Eyes the same golden color of his looked back at him. Caleb was about to make a stupid comment to deflect the tension coiling in his body when Kit abruptly stepped away. “I’m feeling a bit tired. Do you mind if I sit the rest of this one out?”
He wasn’t sure if she was truly tired or had sensed his growing discomfort, but he nodded and led her to a seat. “Can I get you anything to drink? Some water or tea?” he asked.
She shook her head. “Why don’t you go outside and have a look at the moon. It’s full tonight and should be rising on the horizon about now.”
He hesitated.
She smiled and squeezed his hand. “Go, Caleb. Go get some fresh air and let me know if I’m going to have to finagle Garret’s jacket from him when we leave. It was starting to get chilly when we arrived for the reception. You can let me know if the temperature has dropped much more.”
He knew she was bullshitting him then. She’d never have to finagle anything from Garret, ever. Despite the continued weirdness of having his sister and his former partner living together, he was grateful that Kit was with a good man.
He nodded and made his way toward the exit. The wedding reception was being held in a refurbished barn on the grounds of an upscale bed and breakfast. It was a huge building with exposed beams, rough-hewn wood, and long distances between exits. When he found one, Caleb stepped out into the cold night air and onto a large flagstone patio. He imagined that for warmer weather events, the big rolling doors to his right could be opened to allow guests to flow freely between the inside and outside settings.
As it was, on that cool evening, he was the only one out there. He looked up at the sky and saw the first evening stars twinkling dimly in the dusk. The moon hung over a darkened hillside, bright and unapologetic. Not quite full, but close.
Behind him, he heard the strains of music coming from the barn, along with the constant murmur of conversation punctuated by the laughter of one or another of the many guests. He hadn’t been to too many weddings in his life, but even he knew that this one was something special. It wasn’t flashy but had all the casual comforts money could buy, and he knew Carly and Drew had been more interested in creating an atmosphere that let them celebrate with their friends and family rather than one that placed them at the center of all the attention and festivities.
Not five minutes of quiet had passed when Caleb heard a door open and close behind him and he didn’t need to look to know who had followed him out.
“Everything okay?” Jesse asked as she slid an arm through his.
“Yes, everything is fine.”
“Liar,” she countered, but didn’t press further.
Jesse was like that. Of all of Kit’s friends, she was the only one who had never been intimidated by him and she’d been the first of them to claim him as a friend. She was also the one he now counted on to look past his lies, forcing him to ask questions and confront his own doubts. He didn’t always like it—hell, he rarely liked it—but she was also the only one who ever seemed to have any answers for him. She wrapped them up in questions and gave them to him, like little gifts, for him to unwrap when he was ready.
But tonight, he wasn’t ready. And she seemed to sense that.
“I never thought I’d see the day when you wore a tux,” she said, leaning into him a bit.
“I never thought I’d see the day when you came up to my chin. What are you wearing, six-inch heels?”
She bumped him with her hip. “Be nice,” she said with laughter in her voice. “And it’s not my heels, it’s my hair. My hairdresser went a little overboard today.”
He chuckled. Jesse Baker Hathaway claimed to be five-foot-two, but he’d swear she was five-foot-one if she was an inch.
“Emma seems to be doing well,” he said.
“Mmm hmm,” she nodded. “She is. It’s been a little rough this fall though, since James hasn’t been around as much. He’s been so busy with school and then, when he does have free time, he tends to go visit Chelsea at college. Emma misses him a lot, and it’s been much quieter at home, but she’s getting used to being more or less the only child.”
“I’m sure that will be very tough for her. Being the only child.”
Again, she bumped him with her hip. “Stop,” she said, laughing quietly in the night. “She’s not totally spoiled.”
“Not totally, no,” he answered. “At least not until I come to town.”
“Or send ridiculous gifts. Really, the four-foot stuffed pumpkin was a bit much.”
“Just gettin
g you back for having her call me Uncle Caleb.”
“You love it.”
He kind of did, so he said nothing. The silence of the night seeped into his bones, as did the cold. He turned to look at Jesse to make sure she had a coat on.
“You should have something warmer,” he said, eyeing the wrap she wore around her shoulders.
She shook her head. “I’m fine,” she paused. “How are you, really, Caleb?”
“I’m fine,” he mimicked her.
She sighed and he knew she was about to say more, but in that moment his phone buzzed in his pocket with a text message.
She rolled her eyes and shook her head, as he reached for the device.
“Gee sorry, I have to get this.” He held his phone out, waving it in front of her with an unrepentant grin. But then he saw a name flash on the screen and his grin died.
“Caleb?”
He hit the ignore button and slid his phone back into his pocket.
“Who was that?”
“No one.” He was aware of the slight tremble of his hand in his pocket as he answered Jesse.
“I saw the name,” Jesse said. “Who is Catherine?”
He was about to say “no one” again when his phone vibrated. He heard it. Jesse heard it.
“Aren’t you going to answer it?”
“Drop it.”
“Oh, hell no,” she answered with a knowing laugh. “Wrong answer, Caleb. In more ways than one, that was the wrong answer, and you know it.”
He did know it. Jesse had raised two boys, dealt with the loss of a less than stellar husband, and was no shrinking violet. He hadn’t thought about his command before he’d issued it. Had he done that, he would have realized that, of all the things he could have said to Jesse, telling her to drop it was the exact wrong one.
He exhaled. “It’s nothing, Jesse. Please.”
The “please” gave her pause and for about three seconds he held out hope that she would let it go.
“Caleb, I don’t know who Catherine is, but I can feel the tension in your body now.” She gave his arm, the one she still had hers looped through, a gentle nudge to prove her point. “Only someone who means something to you would cause that kind of reaction.”
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