Right. So that’s the coma worry eliminated then. It never occurred to me that he just…didn’t bother calling me. So, in other words, he went home last night, as normal, got up for work as normal and even found the time to book dinner and drinks with his best friend.
I have to slump back against a pillow to digest his.
‘OK, so maybe Sam hasn’t been in touch with you yet,’ Eva goes on, calmly, so calmly that it’s making me want to scream. ‘But it’s still early; he’ll call you later on. Funny, I assumed he was going straight back to yours last night, but I suppose he must have just gone home instead.’
‘But why the hell would he just go home instead? He knew the state I was in and he faithfully promised he’d come straight back here! Eva, you’ve no idea what it’s been like for me. Yesterday was a bloody nightmare.’ My voice sounds weak now, croaky and panicky.
‘Oh yeah, I meant to say how sorry I am. About…emm, you know, everything. How are you doing?’
‘I…I’m…’ I can’t finish my sentence though. So I just opt for bawling my eyes out instead, which in fairness, I haven’t done for at least half an hour.
‘Well, never mind. I mean, it’s only a job, isn’t it?’ she says airily and for a split second, her flippancy silences me out of my hysteria. The exact same shock you’d get if you’re crying and someone responds by smacking you wham across the face. It’s only a job, isn’t it? Did I really hear her just saying that?
‘Eva, not to put too fine a point on it, I’m unemployed, broke, up to my armpits in debt, out of my mind with worry, not to mention staked out by the press and now, on top of everything else, I haven’t heard a single word from my boyfriend all night or all morning, although apparently he’s well able to ring Nathaniel!’
‘Shh, shh, honey, take a deep breath. In for two and out for four, like they tell us in power yoga class. You need to de-stress. I’m sure Sam’s just busy. You know what he’s like when it comes to work, Jessie.’
‘Are you kidding me? My whole life has gone into freefall and you’re telling me that Sam is too busy to talk to me?’ I’m trying my best to keep the rising hysteria out of my voice, but not really succeeding.
‘You know, Jessie, listening to you, all I can think is, when was the last time this girl had acupuncture? Hey, here’s a thought, my masseuse is calling over later, why don’t you drop by and have a Swedish massage? Sounds like you might need one. Badly. Oooh, and then later on, I’m going to the Design Centre to see their new spring collection. You should come with.’
Dear Jaysus. I’m inclined to forget. To Eva, the recession is just something that’s happening to other people. Somehow, I restrain myself from snapping at her, but firmly tell her I need to get off the phone to call Sam’s office. Like, now.
‘Oh, OK,’ she yawns. ‘I’m going back to sleep anyway.’ I know, for a mother of twin boys, this sounds extravagantly luxurious, but bear in mind that Eva has a lot of home help. ‘Just try to calm down, Jessie. And remember, at least we’ve got the trip to Marbella coming up really soon. Now isn’t that something lovely for you to look forward to?’
I hang up, wondering if she even heard a single word I said.
So I ring Sam’s office and am put straight through to his assistant, Margaret. Two things about Margaret: firstly, she’s incredibly protective of Sam, almost obsessing over him the way an Irish mammy would with a cherished only son. Secondly, to put it mildly, she’s not exactly a huge fan of mine. Can never quite figure out why. I’ve only met her a handful of times, but she always treats me like some telly-tottie blow-in who only distracts Sam from going out and making even more money than he already has.
‘He’s specifically asked not to be disturbed this morning, Miss Woods.’
That’s another thing about her, she always calls me Miss Woods. I think it’s an intimidation tactic. Waste of time trying to intimidate me though; I may live in a fancy gated house in Dalkey, but scratch below the surface and you’ll find a true blue, working-class Dublin Northsider.
‘However, I’m very happy to pass on your message.’
I know right well that she knows what happened to me over the weekend; bar she’s just come out of a coma, how could she not? But I don’t give her the satisfaction of hearing me sniffle down the phone – just thank her politely and hang up.
Right then. So Sam is alive and well and going about his day’s work and not lying comatose in a hospital bed. Which is something, I suppose. Then a surge of optimism; of course he’s going to call me back later. Come on, this is Sam I’m talking about, Mr Perfect Boyfriend. Yes, it’s a bit odd he never came back here last night, but I’m sure there’s some perfectly plausible explanation. So when we eventually do get to talk and when he inevitably asks me what I’ve been up to since yesterday, what will I tell him then? That I lay in bed all day whinging like a crazy lady? Or that I took his advice, picked myself up like a winner who’s just taken one of life’s knocks, and is now bravely dealing with it head on? Right, that’s it. Decision made. Let Operation Damage Limitation begin.
An hour later and I’m up, dressed in jeans and a sweater with my hair tied back under a baseball cap, along with the biggest pair of sunglasses I can find for maximum face covering. Just so no one gets to see my face which frankly is looking like a bag of chisels from all the crying and sleep deprivation. For better or for worse, I’m ready to face the world. Plus I’ve been busy lining up appointments in town for the week ahead with my agent, publicist and, the one I’m actually dreading most of all, my accountant.
First hurdle though, is getting out the front gate without the hounds of hell stationed there having a pop at me. Added to this particular dilemma is the fact that a) I’ve no car and b) if I get the bus into town, there’s every chance the bastards will follow me and God alone knows the craic they’d have doing that. Right, nothing for it but to get a taxi to come through the security gates and right to the front door of the house, so I can hop into it and slip past the photographers at maximum speed. Slight problem though: I’ve no cash in the house to pay for said cab. Not a brass farthing.
I can’t believe I’m doing this, but next thing, I’m rooting through coat pockets and old handbags foraging for loose change. Dear Jaysus; not one week ago, I spent around €180 on a La Prairie face cream and now I’m scrambling around looking for a few spare coins which I might have forgotten about. But I’m in luck; right at the bottom of a ridiculously expensive, impulse-buy Gucci bag, there’s a €20 note and about €4.50 in coins. Well whaddya know. I’m rich.
Week from hell: day one
I meet with my agent, one Roger Davenport, in his offices in town. Roger, I should tell you, is a sixty-something bachelor whose ideal client would probably be Audrey Hepburn. Always dresses a bit like a magician in velvet suits and bow ties, usually accessorised with a brolly; a bit like Steed in The New Avengers. He’s also a thorough gentleman of the old school and never loses his temper with the kids who always follow him, as he strolls from his converted Georgian townhouse to his equally elegant Georgian office. I’ve often seen him sauntering through town, like it’s permanent Bloomsday, chased by kids all chanting, ‘Here mister, where’s your boyfriend?’ Water off a duck’s back though; Roger is famous for his unflappable cool and permanent good humour. Until I go in to see him, that is.
He’s sitting at his antique desk when I arrive at his office, surrounded by this morning’s papers. ‘Dear Lord, Jessie, what precisely were you thinking?’ is his opener, peering up from over Churchill-esque half-moon glasses. I fill him in, with particular red-eyed snivelling saved for the part where I stress that I didn’t know I’d done anything wrong. It’s fast becoming my new catchphrase.
‘Well, my dear,’ he frowns, looking like a consultant about to give me bad news, ‘naturally I shall do my best to source alternative employment for you. However, be warned. This will be no easy task.’
Then I meet with Roger’s publicist Paul, a prematurely grey chain smoker with so mu
ch manic energy that after ten minutes in his company I’m so exhausted, all I want to do is lie down in a darkened room and take sedatives. Together with Roger, we draft a press release, which I think just about hits the right, apologetic note between deep contrition and remorse for what I did, yet gently touching on the fact that had I suspected for a second that what I was doing was wrong, I’d have been a distant speck on the horizon.
On his way out the door to have a cigarette, statement tucked under his oxter, Paul turns to me. ‘Oh, by the way, I do have one bit of good news for you, Jessie.’
I look at him stunned, but then, optimism is an unfamiliar sensation for me right now.
Then he tells me that some topless glamour model who I never heard of has just left her boy band drummer husband who I also never heard of, for a Premiership footballer whose name I couldn’t even attempt to pronounce.
‘Sorry Paul, excuse my addled brain, but how exactly is this good news?’
‘Means you’re relegated to page four.’
I see what he means. By the time I get back to the house, the photographers and press who were there yesterday and this morning have completely dispersed. So now I know exactly what they mean by ‘yesterday’s news’.
By nine that night, I’ve broken the magical half-century barrier with the amount of messages I’ve left for Sam, which in stalking terms is probably the equivalent of running the four-minute mile. And not one single call answered. I’m too exhausted even to cry, so I just collapse into bed and sleep the sleep of the damned.
Week from hell: day two
My policy of call bombardment to Sam continues. Except now that I’ve actually had a night’s sleep and am thinking a bit more clearly, I’m furious with him. Madder than a meat-axe. I mean, for feck’s sake what exactly is going on here? Me going through career meltdown and him ignoring me? Cowardly bloody bastard. With woman’s intuition, the only possible reason I can come up with for his bizarre carry on is that Sam, media lover, with a book about to be published in a few months’ time and an ongoing campaign to become a panellist on that entrepreneur’s TV show, can’t hack being around the PR disaster that I’ve become. So if it comes to a choice between his precious career and me, his girlfriend, then guess who gets the boot? Which leaves me with exactly two courses of action to choose from: Plan A, I barge into his office to have it out with him there. Except then I’d only have to face snotty Margaret acting like a sentinel, who’d probably force me to wait in reception for the rest of the day out of pure badness. And to be perfectly honest, I wouldn’t give the old bitch the satisfaction. Plan B is just to go round to his house and stake him out there, but he lives in deepest County Kildare, about fifteen miles from any bus route and let’s face it, there’s no way I could ever afford the taxi fare. Probably just as well for him that neither plan is a runner, because the mood I’m in right now, if I did get to see him, I’d bloody kill him, then feed his rotting carcass to starving alsatians.
I leave about six messages for Nathaniel too, but, surprise, surprise, he doesn’t get back to me either. I’ve always liked Nathaniel, but in my yo-yoing emotional state, now I’m furious with him too. I always thought he was a bit weak, a bit too easily dominated by Sam and his Type A personality. Now here’s the proof. I ring Eva too, the only one of our foursome who’s still actually speaking to me, but it turns out she has another yummy mummy friend over with her kids for a play date, so she can’t talk. She swears she’ll call me later on though. Which of course, she doesn’t.
Roger calls to say that, as he suspected, no one is hiring right now. He’d put out a few feelers on my behalf, but nothing doing. ‘Best lie low for a bit, Jessie dear,’ is his sage advice. ‘When this unpleasantness all dies down, I’ll try again. Perhaps not a primetime show, but maybe something on one of the digital channels.’ This is about as close as polite, gentlemanly Roger would ever come to saying, ‘Your stock is so low in this town, you’ll be bloody lucky to get a job in community radio reading out the funeral notices on the 5 a.m. graveyard slot.’
Then Paul the publicist rings with an update; our press release has done the trick and seems to have killed the story for the moment at least. I’m now further relegated to page eight, which is marginally better than being publicly stoned.
‘Any actual…em…good news?’ I ask hopefully.
‘Are you kidding me? You don’t pay me for good news; you pay me to make bad news go away. You’re now on page eight beside the horoscopes and the weather report; as far as you’re concerned, that’s a miracle up there along with the second coming of Christ.’
Funny, my entire career, which I worked so hard for, is lying in ashes around me and yet all I can eat drink or focus on is Sam and this disappearing trick he’s pulling. I don’t even sleep that night. Every time I hear a car on the road outside, I keep thinking that it’s him and that he’ll knock on my door and that there’ll be some completely rational explanation for this crucifying silence and then he’ll hold me in his arms and everything will be just fine.
Week from hell: day three
There is a completely rational explanation! I ring snotty Margaret at the office who tells me that Sam is in London on business and will be back tomorrow! A wash of near-euphoria comes over me. Of course, Sam wasn’t ignoring me, he’s out of the country, that’s all and when he gets home everything will be back to normal. Well apart from my being broke and unemployed that is. But like I say, once he’s back in my life, everything else will seem bearable again. I conveniently brush aside the fact that every other time he’s away, he never fails to call day and night. He was probably just stressed up to the ceiling about all his meetings in London, that’s all. I actually have a spring in my step for the first time in days, which lasts all the way up until 11 a.m., when the phone rings. It’s the letting agency who found this house for me. ‘Bad news,’ says the property management guy, who sounds about fifteen. ‘You’re now almost four months behind in rent which means you’re in breach of the lease agreement. The owners have instructed me to request that you vacate the premises and return the keys ASAP. Otherwise, they’ll be left with no choice but to instigate legal proceedings.’
For a second, I think I’m going to black out as I slump against the stairs, with my back to the wall. It’s official; I’m on the express train to hell.
‘Listen to me, Jessie,’ says Teen Boy kindly. ‘This could be an awful lot worse. I know these people and trust me; all they want is you out of the house by the end of the week. Fair’s fair, you do owe them well in excess of €12,000 in back rent.’
‘€12,000?’ is all I can think, fresh beads of panicky sweat forming in the small of my back. How in the name of Jaysus did I let that happen?
‘Go quickly and quietly,’ he says, ‘and I’m pretty certain that they’ll leave it at that. Going to court will cost time and money and the owners already have interest from people who want to come over and view the place.’
By now I’m actually drenched in sweat. Just when I thought things couldn’t get worse, I’m made homeless. I thank the poor guy as politely as I’m able to; after all, none of this is his fault and like he says, go quietly and I won’t get sued. But go where?
Now the tone of all my messages to Sam has completely changed from angry to pleading. I urgently need to talk to you, I almost beg. Something calamitous has happened. Ring me and I’ll explain. Then, a brainwave; he always stays at the Mandarin Oriental Hotel when he’s in London; vintage Sam, only the best will do. So I call them and ask to be put through to his room. The over-polite receptionist asks me for my name first, checks the room, then comes back to me and says Mr Hughes isn’t there. Trying my best not to sound like some kind of psycho stalker, I explain that I’m his girlfriend and would she pretty please with knobs on have any idea when he’ll be back?
The blind panic in my voice seems to do the trick.
‘Well, I normally wouldn’t dream of giving out personal information, but seeing as you are his girlfriend…O
K then. He should be back in the room in about an hour or so. He’s down in the spa at the moment having a sports massage.’
So he’s not up to his eyes in meetings, too busy to return my calls. He’s lying naked, wrapped in a hot towel having aromatherapy oil rubbed into him. I spend the rest of the day trying to pack, then collapsing into floods of heaving tears. Ask not for whom the bell tolls. It’s the ambulance coming to take me away.
Week from hell: day four
Funny thing is, when the final blow falls, it happens fast. I’m lying in bed with all the life and energy of a used teabag. My phone rings and it’s him. It’s Sam. I almost drop it with nervous anxiety and before he’s even said a word, my heart’s already twisting in my ribcage.
‘So…you got my messages then?’ is my opener. Shit, I didn’t mean to sound sarky, it just slipped out.
‘Yes.’
‘That’s all you’re going to say? “Yes”? A monosyllable?’
There’s an awkward pause, so I do what any TV presenter does when faced with a hiatus, fill it up with gabble and shite. The nightmare the last few miserable days have been, the agonising worry over why he was blanking me out—
‘Woodsie,’ he interrupts and I jibber over him. But then nervous tension tends to have that effect on me.
‘I need somewhere to stay,’ I stammer. ‘So – and I know it’s an awful lot to ask – is it OK if…Look, what I’m trying to say is…and of course, it would just be until I get back on my feet again…but the thing is…can I move in with you?’
Personally, I Blame my Fairy Godmother Page 7