by Renee Burke
She stilled and tried to swallow down the ache in her throat. “So you know who I am?”
He kissed her cheek softly. His hands grounded her with their constant stroking. “I told you today, didn’t I? I know you, inside and out.”
She nodded and grasped his wrist. “But you knew me – before?” She lifted her confused eyes to his. They felt wet, and her breath came faster. Had he let her wander through the last few days, so confused, able to offer reassurance but refusing to give it?
His small nod told her that was exactly what had happened.
“And we were together. We did this together?” She nodded toward the room before looking back for his answer.
He gave that terse nod again, his eyes boring into hers, waiting for a response. “Do you remember?”
She closed her eyes, images of the last few days flashed past, but nothing was there before. Nothing but blackness. She seemed to remember being in the dark, which didn’t make sense because sconces lit the walls on all sides. Somehow the place was familiar. And it felt incredibly lonely.
She shook her head. “Darkness.” She felt the first tear fall as she glanced around the room. Her heart was heavy, and a wave of fear washed over her. Gretchen and the man stood watching her, waiting. She dropped her eyes and more tears fell. “I remember darkness.” The floor, a dark wood, came into focus. Gretchen spoke.
“It could be the hood, Derek.”
Sara lifted her face to see Gretchen’s eyes focused on the wall where several styles of hoods hung on hooks. A hood. Her stomach rolled, and her hand shot to her mouth. She suddenly felt smaller, inconsequential. She lurched forward, toward the stairs and through the front door. It was raining now, but that didn’t stop her. She wanted distance, lots of distance, between her and that room.
She ran for the closest car, rain pelting her bare arms and wetting her dress. It was locked. She turned to check the others. It didn’t matter which one. She just needed away. The hood was the darkness. Derek had covered her face. Every. Time. You’re not her. She didn’t remember everything, but the feeling of separation was something she had thwarted since he’d picked her up on the highway. Now it came rushing back and made her heart ache.
Strong arms wrapped around her, but she didn’t want his comfort. “No.” She batted at the hands and tried to shrug away. “Don’t touch me.”
She struggled in his grasp, but he wrapped her even tighter and held on.
“Please. Stop.” He was much larger, and her efforts didn’t make him back away in the least. He continued to hold her, hugging her closer. “Come back inside. It’s cold. You need to get dried off and warm, so you don’t get sick. The baby…”
Right. She was going to have a baby. She didn’t fight him as he pulled her back to the front door. Gretchen rushed at her with a bath sheet as Derek stripped her dress off. The beautiful dress now lay in a muddy puddle on the floor. The other man strode toward her with a smaller towel and helped her wrap her hair as Derek patted her dry. Gretchen brought a robe, and Derek wrapped it around her shoulders. Through it all, Sara waited without a flicker of emotion. The pain was so heavy, she didn’t want to speak or cry. She just wanted to be left alone.
“I have some soup on the stove. I knew it was going to rain, and it seemed the perfect weather for it.” Gretchen took her hand and led her to the table. The man stood leaning against the counter, frowning at her from across the room.
Gretchen sat a bowl in front of her and urged her to eat. She ladled several spoonfuls of broth to her lips. Then, Derek was there, dry and redressed. He sat near her but didn’t touch her. She was thankful for that. She didn’t want him to touch her again. She didn’t know everything, but the feeling of tremendous pain, the weighted feeling choking the air from her lungs was his doing. She had no doubt. With the glimpse of a memory came that certainty.
Her staying separate from him was what he wanted. He had forced it. You’re not her. You’ll never be her. The words echoed through her mind. She glanced up to see Gretchen hovering.
“You’re okay?” Gretchen had taken punishment for trying to help her.
She smiled down at her. “I’m fine, Sara. Just worried about you.”
Sara nodded. “I am going to lie down. I …” She shook her head. The throbbing was back behind her eyes. She stood and moved to climb the stairs. Derek was behind her. She could feel his domineering presence. This time, when she was faced with the choice of rooms, she took the first one. She entered the stark, bare space and turned to face him. Derek stood just outside in the hall, and his expression was tortured as she closed the door between them.
She moved around the room. There was nothing personal on the furniture. Even the sheets were pristine white. No personality. The coverlet matched. Plain cotton. When she opened the closet, she found revealing outfits, similar to the ones she’d worn the past few days. She checked the dresser. Lingerie, all alluring and her size. This was her room. She shut off the light, dropped the towel and robe and climbed into the bed.
Chapter Eight
With morning light came reality. The night had been long as she moved from cloudy uncertainty to stark clarity. She rose from the bed and stood under the hot spray of the shower. When she felt clean, she dried and dressed. She quietly moved to the front door and outside to the cars. The one she thought was Gretchen’s days before was there. It was hers. Derek must have had it moved here after her accident. She ran her fingers under the wheel well until she felt the hidden key holder. She was in and gone before anyone knew she was outside.
Her house was, ridiculously, only a few miles away. She had been on her way home when she had run off the road nights before. She didn’t remember the accident, but she clearly remembered the hours before. She had gone to Derek’s which she did several times a week. After their work days were over, they had dinner at his house and then went to the basement. For sex. He was in control. Always. And she was a nobody, face hidden, so he could imagine she was his wife, Victoria. He’d told her more than once that he would always love his wife. There would be no one else in his heart but her.
Sometimes she stayed afterwards, sleeping in the stark room at the top of the stairs. She’d never slept in the room adjoining his or in his bed until these past few days. He’d never invited her to. She had hated that small room, the separation from him, but he’d worn her out sometimes to the point she couldn’t safely drive home. She’d never had sex with him there either. It was always faceless, controlled, and in the basement. Like a dirty secret.
She pulled into her drive and found her house undisturbed. Of course, as distant as the memory felt, it had only been empty a few days. She sat in the car for several moments studying the landscape. It was lacking. She spent her days working as an accountant from her home office for several area businesses, and her nights were Derek’s. That would have to change.
She left the car and walked tiredly into the house to sit at the table. She had gone to tell him about the baby that night. When she had arrived, there hadn’t been dinner or any fraternizing planned. Instead, he met her at the car. I can’t forget her. You will never take her place. We won’t be meeting like this anymore. It hadn’t seemed like the time to tell him about the baby then. Her heart had been breaking, and she felt like a fool for thinking there could be more. She was faceless sex. He was in control. It was over when he said so. That was that.
The phone rang in her office, and she rose to pull a bottle of water from the refrigerator. She didn’t answer, and it finally stopped. She was a practical woman. Usually. Her mind was analytical. Her relationship with Derek was completely out of character. Her judgment had been skewed from the emotions she’d felt for him. She needed to regain control.
Derek’s wife was the woman in the pictures. She’d found him looking at them once, when she’d come over to retrieve paperwork she needed for his taxes. It was how she’d know about his preference for domination. It created an openness they’d explored together and had led to their
involvement.
She was pregnant by a man who she’d be involved with for over a year. From his accountant to his submissive. But Derek had always kept that distance between then. Until he’d picked her up on the side of the road, he had only kissed her mouth a few times, and he’d always limited her touching him. The hood was nearly always in place when he touched her because she might be the woman he wanted to fuck, but he didn’t want anything more than that. His wife was dead. Everyone in the area knew the story. She had died from an aneurism while she was pregnant five years earlier. And Derek had loved her more than life itself. Now he didn’t do love. He had told her that clearly.
She went to her office and sat at her computer. Neat stacks of paperwork waited for her attention. She had plenty of work to keep her busy. She sat aside Derek’s paperwork which was always in prime position on her to do list. She booted up the machine, opened her email, and clicked Compose.
Dear Derek,
I thank you for your care for the last few days. I have fully regained my memory and realize this must have been an inconvenience and a disruption of your orderly life. I thank you for doing it anyway.
In light of recent developments, I feel it is no longer in either of our best interests to continue our business arrangement. I can no longer represent your business with acceptable distance or attention. I will be happy to recommend you to another associate with an impeccable reputation if you need assistance finding a replacement.
Sincerely,
Sara S. Hudson, CPA
She reread the words twice before clicking send and closing the program.
The doorbell rang within the hour, and she ignored it. It was Derek. She could see his car in the drive, but she wasn’t up to talking to him. Instead, she dug back into the paperwork in front of her until he pressed the buzzer for so long she was afraid it would break.
She opened the door but didn’t step aside for him to enter.
He studied her face but didn’t speak. Instead, he lifted her out of the way and walked inside.
“What do you think you’re doing?”
“Having a business meeting. My accountant is trying to break our contract, and I need to get her to see reason.”
He scanned the room, taking in the warm décor. “Nice place you have here.”
She huffed. Of course he’d never seen it before. She’d always gone to him. For business or pleasure. He hadn’t put out any effort to come to her. She closed her eyes and tensed her jaw to tamp down the emotions that the sad thoughts evoked.
He was watching her struggle with herself. Best to get this over with quickly so she could get some privacy. She gestured to the living area. “Have a seat.”
He planted his big body in the middle of her sofa. He fit perfectly. He should. She’d imagined him there enough times.
“I see you got my email. I hope you can be sensible about this. I’ll gather your files and get them ready over the next few days. I plan to work with the new accountant to make the transition as smooth as possible.”
“We have a contract, Sara. You’re not getting out of it this easily.”
She sat on a chair some distance away from him. She looked down at her hands where they clenched in her lap. “I hoped you would see this was for the best.”
“Best for whom? My business? You’ve always taken great care of my business so it’s not best for the business for you to break the contract. Best for you? Me? The baby?”
She nodded. “I don’t think I can keep a clear head about anything that concerns you or the business, so I feel it would be best for all of us.”
“I disagree and since I make up half of the contract, we’re not through.” His words were hot, angry, but she didn’t understand why. He had plenty of money and could hire someone more experienced and expensive to do the job.
She bit her lip to keep from saying anything back. She wasn’t angry with him and didn’t want to say anything in haste. She didn’t hate him. She loved him. He loved his wife. How could she be angry about that? A man who loved his wife, even after he lost her, was loyal. It was a good quality. Unfortunately, it wasn’t directed at her. The whole situation was a mess. She should have kept her distance. He was a client, not a boyfriend. The lines had blurred, and now she had to redraw them.
“Alright then. I’ll continue to work as your accountant for the terms of our contract.”
“Four more months.”
She nodded and stood. “Yes. Four months.”
She opened the door and waited for him to follow and leave. He didn’t. Instead he leaned back on the sofa as if he was settling in for a while. She sighed and closed the door. He was ripping her heart out. She wasn’t ready to chat about the baby or anything else right now.
“Sit.”
She bristled. He wasn’t in the basement with the faceless woman anymore. She no longer needed to mind him. “I wasn’t planning on you staying long, Derek. I have work I need to do.”
“The other day…”
“Please. I don’t want to discuss any of that now. I’m going to have a baby but not any time soon. There’s plenty of time to discuss any arrangements or interactions you will want with him or her when the time comes. Please. Please go.” By the time she was finished speaking, her voice had whittled down to a whisper.
“It was our anniversary – my wife and I. I didn’t realize it until just before you arrived, and I was angry with myself.”
“Funny. You weren’t the one punished over it.”
“Wasn’t I? The look on your face when I sent you away made me feel infinitely worse. I had spent all day, just like every other day, looking forward to our evening. I had even prepared something special for dinner. Then I glanced at my phone and saw the date and realized I hadn’t thought about her all day, for days in fact. I felt guilty.”
“Of course. I understand. But you don’t have to feel guilty anymore. I understand exactly where I stand.” She opened the door again.
“This is not how I want it to be, Sara. It doesn’t have to end this way.”
“It does. A baby doesn’t change anything between us.” It was true. She still loved him with or without a baby. He didn’t love her either way.
He approached and stood in front of her. He stroked her neck with his warm hand and kissed her forehead before turning to go.
Chapter Nine
Three weeks passed. Sara struggled with bouts of morning sickness intermingled with heartache. Gretchen called every day to check on her and complain about Derek’s moodiness at work and changes he was making around the place. Mark, the man Sara would have sworn she didn’t know from Derek’s house, came by twice to check on her and bring crackers and juice. He was one of her dearest friends and Gretchen’s husband. The couple worried over Sara’s condition and told her what a great mom she would be. During Gretchen’s last call, she’d pushed for a dinner date.
“Let us take you out for dinner.”
“I couldn’t. I never know when I’m going to be sick. The morning sickness isn’t concerned with time. It happens all hours of the day.”
“Fine, but you have to get out of your house. It’s stifling.” Gretchen was insistent.
“I like my house.”
“Me too but you’re starting to remind me of a hermit.”
She had stayed in for most of the time. One trip to the grocery store had brought her face to face with Derek. He had cornered her to ask about a contract with a vendor before telling her she looked beautiful.
Beautiful. Her hair was in a messy ponytail, and she had on no makeup. She had dark circles and pale skin from the restless nights and being sick all the time. Beautiful, indeed.
She’d told him he was crazy and then walked away as he chuckled behind her.
“Besides, I’m not staying inside constantly. I’ve been working in the yard for a while every afternoon.” The weather was pleasantly warm when the sun was out. She loved the color after working with numbers inside all morning, but it always left he
r feeling bereft remember the motorcycle ride with Derek and their time on the blanket. She missed him so much. He’d been more connected with her during those three days of amnesia than ever before. It wasn’t reality, just a page out of time. She needed to shake it off.
“What’s that about – the landscaping?” Gretchen’s tone was curious.
“It just feels more like a home with landscaping. I thought I should get in practice before I have a child playing outside.” She glanced at the flowers on the patio she’d had delivered the day before. She still wasn’t sure where she would put them.
Not visiting Derek each evening didn’t mean he hadn’t been in contact. Her email had daily messages from him, more than he had ever felt necessary to send before. Questions about billing, suggestions on her landscaping, which had her questioning how he knew what she was up to. He even sent a couple of jokes.
That morning she opened her inbox to a picture. Of them together, in the basement. She was naked and had her mouth wrapped around him. His shirt was off, hands trapped in her hair, his expression one of bliss as he watched her work the length of him.
The caption was simple. I always knew it was you.
She had cried her eyes out over that one. Then she’d emailed him back that she couldn’t believe he’d sent that since security in email was no better than mailing a postcard. Within an hour, the email and all traces of it were gone from her computer.
The next day the doorbell rang midmorning. Sara didn’t recognize the man who stood outside but opened the door when she saw he carried a package.
She signed the clipboard and thanked him after taking the box.
She sat it on her kitchen table and pulled a knife from the drawer. It held soft blankets. Baby blankets in pastels. There was a satin wrapped bundle that spilled new lingerie when she opened it. Then a gift certificate for a landscaping place that made her smile. The bottom held a large brown envelope. She opened it and pulled a stack of pictures from inside.