Use Somebody

by Riley Jean

  With all of that being said, something about him called to me. He embodied everything I wanted, yet everything I feared. His light kept pulling me towards him. I had to be near him. I couldn’t stay away. I was already addicted… maybe even attached.

  Breaking the moment, he turned from me, stepped further out on the branch and took a seat, legs dangling high above the ground. I couldn’t not follow. It was as if an invisible cord tied me to him. Treading lightly, I walked across the branch like a large tight rope and sat down beside him.

  We could see the whole park from this height. The slide where I used to play. The path that led to the canyons. The swings where we talked about life and love… the grassy area where our entire friendship changed, just days ago…

  Surrounded by nothing but oak leaves and twinkling stars, we sat quietly, both lost in our own memories on this still, peaceful night.

  Finally, he sighed and spoke softly, “We didn’t break up because I wanted to pursue you, but in a way, it was because of you.”

  I looked at him, shocked, but resisted the urge to interrupt.

  Still gazing out towards the park, he continued. “Evelyn was my girlfriend for four years, but I don’t think we were every really friends. When we were together, we were a couple. But when I’d want to go hang out with friends, well, that was Cole and the guys.

  “She was pretty high maintenance. She liked the expensive dinners and gifts. And I didn’t mind giving that to her. It was my first relationship, I thought that’s what it meant to be a good boyfriend. But looking back, I don’t think I ever got so much as a ‘thank you’ for any of it.”

  Immediately this made me angry. Vance was a giver. He gave of his time, his words and his help and never asked for anything in return. “Anytime,” he always said. Even when I was a stranger. And a bitch. How could his own girlfriend take advantage of something so rare and so sweet?

  “She constantly wanted to change me. My clothes, my friends, my hobbies. She hated that I work at Mooshi. She hated that I like to fish. But she couldn’t remember that I was allergic to sushi if her life depended on it. She wanted me to be this perfect accessory. Whenever I did something she didn’t like, she used to say, ‘you’re being you again!’ As if that was her biggest pet peeve. I should’ve told her, ‘this is me. This is who you are dating. If you don’t like it, why are you with me?’”

  I scoffed, feeling incredibly defensive of him. Just what was so wrong with being Vance? And what did she have against her boyfriend being himself?

  He deserved so much better than that. He needed someone who would appreciate his big heart, and his goofy side. Cookie cutter tools were a dime a dozen. Vance was special. How dare this girl try to change him?

  “Why did you let her treat you like that for so long?”

  At last he met my eyes. “I didn’t realize it could be any different.”

  Ever so slowly, I nodded in understanding. I’d had my fair share of dysfunctional relationships as well. At sixteen, I dated Nathan for goodness sake. So who was I to judge?

  When you’re young, you just don’t know any better. No matter what parents try to instill in you or what you watch friends go through, relationships are something you have to figure out for yourself.

  Hearing him admit this, it didn’t make him seem weak, the way I felt when I relived my mistakes. It made him seem… human. Relatable. And it humbled me.

  Regardless if he was the golden boy in my eyes, that didn’t mean he was infallible. He invested his heart and soul into one person for the last four years of his life when she did nothing but treat him poorly in return. And in the end when it all fell apart, he wasn’t carrying around bitterness or regrets. He was ready to dust himself off and try again, a little wiser from the experience.

  I envied that. But I was also really, really proud of him.

  “One more thing,” he said, taking my hand and interlocking our fingers. “I didn’t break up with Evelyn because of how I felt about you. I broke up with her because of the way you made me feel about myself. You make me feel like I’m something just the way I am. That I deserve more. That change is possible. And I… I want to make you feel like that, too.”

  The moment was too perfect to ruin by pulling away. So I clutched his hand in return, reveling in the beauty of his sentiment. In so many ways, he did make me feel those things. And so much more. And if I wasn’t such a coward, I would’ve told him so.

  For whatever reason, this boy who thought he had love all figured out, and this girl who had stopped believing in its existence, had found hope in each other.

  * * *

  [Journal]

  I feel torn. Like a walking contradiction. That’s why you sense hesitance. That’s why you feel resistance.

  I’ve never been a fan of the mantra, “live for the moment.” It gives you only that: momentary pleasure. Temporary satisfaction. Which, oftentimes, does not make for the best decisions in the long run.

  Forget for one second the fact that the moment is wonderful…

  What happens when it ends?

  The risk is great… Risk of destroying friendships. Risk of dependency. Risk of strong emotions. Risk of broken promises and let downs and even more pain.

  Is that moment of pleasure worth the consequences? Is the gain worth the loss? For when the moment is over, what will we be left with? Maybe life experience. Hopefully a little wisdom. In the worst case, regrets.

  Is it worth it?

  I’m tired of hurting. I’m tired of seeing others get hurt. I’ve already learned the hard way several times over, and I decided months ago those mistakes were not worth repeating.

  So why can’t I stop?

  Chapter 26

  Beyond Repair

  “Savior” by Rise Against

  It’s true what they say—there’s a fine light between love and hate.

  I had loved Nathan, and I had hated him. He’d made me laugh, swoon, shed tears, and most of all he’d made me crazy. Yet here I was, coming after him again, because we both had unfinished business.

  This was the next step in my journey of moving forward by facing my past. We both lived in this town. I couldn’t live in fear of running into him and repeating our first reunion. High school was done and over. It was time to clear the air, forgive our grievances, and move on.

  I came to the party alone—one where I knew Nathan, Dirk and Phoenix would show, and I was positive Ricky would not. He was home working on a new sketch and more than likely still avoiding anything related to Sock Philosophy. Assuming all went well, I was planning to drop by and see him later tonight.

  I saw the boys as soon as I walked in, surrounded by a small circle of girls. Nathan spotted me first. A wide grin spread across his face. “There she is!” He lifted his brown bottle in the air to salute me. “All hail the drama queen!”

  I approached with a tight smile, hardly amused. Me? The drama queen? Pretty sure I wasn’t the one who went all Alanis Morisette last time we were in the same backyard. At least this time I was prepared to see him and didn’t totally freak out.

  “Back for another show, huh?” he said when I reached them. “Turning into one of our groupies?”

  The girl hanging off his arm laughed, but I ignored her. I couldn’t care less how his real groupies thought I measured up.

  I smirked surreptitiously. “It just gives me a little thrill to annoy you.” I spoke with enough dry sarcasm to disguise the truth. Poor Nathan. The thought of singing all those same songs with me in the crowd had to be tough. And I didn’t fail to notice the way his eyes lingered a little too long to pull off indifference. Well, he could eat his heart out.

  “Hiya Scar,” Phoenix tugged on one of my curls and winked. “How’s the dessert business treating you? And what’s up with Lexi these days?”

  “Dessert’s great. As for Lexi, I couldn’t tell you, Phoenix. We’ve gone our own ways this year.”

  “Say whaaaa? I thought you two were BFF’s?”

  “Yeah
, well, you know how that goes.” It shouldn’t come as that big of a shock.

  Phoenix frowned and Dirk broke in, “Let me guess. I’ll bet you two fought over Ricky Storm.”

  Really, they were as nosy as Summer and Kiki. Their little fangirls threw another glance my way, eyeing me critically at the mention of the untamable Ricky Storm.

  I rolled my eyes. “Whatever. Do you guys mind if I talk to Nathan for a minute? Alone?”

  All three made varying expressions of surprise. Bet they hadn’t seen that coming.

  “Um, Scar,” Phoenix said quietly. “Now might not be the best time. He’s a little, you know…” He hesitated, then mimed the act of guzzling down an invisible bottle—the international sign for drunk.

  As if he needed to tell me. The redness of their eyes made it apparent they were all on something. In the past I might’ve expressed my concern at seeing them in this condition, but I didn’t want to be that person anymore. We were all adults. This was the life they’d chosen. And I wasn’t their mother.

  Besides, maybe it would help. Maybe he’d be loose enough to be honest.

  “That’s okay. But thanks, Phoenix.”

  The other guys shrugged and walked away, taking their little friends with them.

  Nathan and I stood awkwardly for a minute. After everything we’d been through, it was hard to look at him neutrally. For years, I’d blamed him for my downward spiral. I’d made a mess of my life and every relationship since. And he was one that started it all: my need to be wanted, to be touched. But I had to remind myself—tonight especially—that it wasn’t his fault. He was just a boy who didn’t want a girl as much as she wanted him.

  Once we were alone, he took a sip of his beer, but didn’t look at me. “So. Little Scarlett Rossi. Not so straight edge anymore, are ya?”

  I noted that he now had stubble along his jaw. And his shaggy hair was the longest I’d ever seen it, almost touching his shoulders now. “Parties still aren’t really my thing. Ricky likes them for some reason.”

  Nathan’s lip curled. “So are you guys together or what?” he asked, sounding indifferent.

  For some reason it struck me as funny. He was asking if we were ‘together’? Shall we define ‘together’? Had Nathan and I been ‘together’? …Shit. I was doing it again. I was overanalyzing everything he said. It was high school all over again.

  “Actually, no, and that’s not what I came to talk to you about.”

  “Is that right?” Finally he turned to face me. His eyes raked up my body, not willing to miss a thing. “What is it you want? To add me to your collection? Tempting. Then again, I’m not sure it’s worth getting my ass beat by Storm.”

  I had to force myself not to punch him in the face. “There is no collection, Nathan. Ricky and I are just friends.”

  He laughed. “Oh, I know, honey. I remember your definition of friends.”

  A dig at our old relationship? Really? It’s not like I had any say-so in our titles back then.

  My jaw tightened and I looked away, second guessing this plan. Every time he opened his mouth, my temper just built more and more. What was the point? He wasn’t going to believe me. And I don’t know why I even cared if he did.

  Then I recalled Lexi’s birthday, how Vance taught me it was better to communicate what I felt, even if it wouldn’t make a difference. I also remembered how freeing it felt to clear the air with Summer. I couldn’t control their reactions, but I had to at least try to reconcile. Sometimes, the outcome was worth it.

  Squaring my shoulders, I turned to face the first boy who had ever broken my heart. He was the same person I had known all those years ago, yet there was nothing unchanged about him. His eyes were the same hazel hue, but now they were sunken in, his face more angular and gaunt. His hair was the same shaggy brown, but it had grown longer, now peeking out from under his wool beanie. The same lips that had kissed me and sang to me and laughed were now pressed together and guarded. Even the jokes and carefree nature he once exuded had been erased by time.

  Or maybe it was just seeing me again.

  I inhaled deeply. No more running. I would give it one shot, one attempt to sort things out, then hopefully get some long-awaited closure.

  “Ricky and James were best friends when we first moved here. And he kind of adopted me as a little sister when James didn’t want the job. He’s been looking out for me for years.” I looked straight into his eyes, expression unwavering. Nathan knew I was a terrible liar. And if he hadn’t forgotten after all these years, he knew about the strained relationship between the rest of my family and James. “He’s never crossed that line with me. He’s like my family. Nothing else.”

  I could see the cogs ticking as his mind put two and two together. But he wanted nothing to do with the summation.

  He shook his head in dismissal. “That’s bullshit. Ricky Storm doesn’t have a decent bone in his body. He’s an even bigger asshole than James.”

  My anger flared at his comparison. They were absolutely nothing alike! They were my tormentor and my protector. My blood and my true brother. Ricky’s goodness was deeply rooted in me, as was my need to defend him. “You don’t know him the way I do.”

  He released a derisive laugh. “Wow. No kidding? The whole town must be wrong about him, then.”

  “What about Phoenix? He’s like a brother to Phoenix, too.”

  “Phoenix is like a brother to everyone. But I never caught him spending the night in Storm’s bed.”

  …SHIT.

  My eyes widened into saucers. He cursed and looked away from me as if he hadn’t meant to divulge that bit of information. But I wasn’t about to let it slide.

  “How do you know about that?” I asked quietly.

  “Because I’m not an idiot, Scarlett! I know where he lives, and I know what your car looked like!”

  My heart thudded to a stop. No… I was the idiot. For assuming I was the only person out after midnight. How had I never realized Nathan would pass by Ricky’s house when he took the back way home? And my old Honda had just been sitting in the driveway for anyone to see.

  “It was never like that,” I denied, but he shook his head as if it were no use.

  “No way you’ve spent that many nights at his house, and he never touched you.”

  “He didn’t,” I said truthfully.

  “You’ve gotta be shitting me,” he laughed ironically, like he found it ridiculous I expected him to swallow my story.

  We were both beyond frustration. It felt like I could scream the truth for the rest of my life, and still Nathan wouldn’t hear any of it. And he was just as aggravated by the situation as me.

  I decided to let that part go for now. I wasn’t here to talk about me and Ricky, I was here talk about us.

  On that note, a precarious idea popped in my head and swirled around. I vaguely recalled Ricky telling me something the first time we had seen the band play, that Nathan had hated him for years… “It’s over a girl or something.”

  At the time I didn’t think much of it. Nathan didn’t do the “girlfriend” thing so I doubted that could’ve been the cause for their tiff.

  But what if, this whole time, Ricky had unknowingly been talking about me?

  I hadn’t put it together until now because I had always assumed our friendship had been private. But as I just found out, Nathan had known all along.

  I hadn’t been Nathan’s girlfriend, technically, but we were exclusive as far as I knew. Would it have hurt Nathan to see my car parked in Ricky’s driveway late at night? What if Nathan hated Ricky because he thought I’d been with both of them at the same time? What if seeing us together again after all this time stirred up those old feelings of betrayal, and that’s why he was still so angry?

  I tensed, feeling like we were on the cusp of a practical explanation. Some valid justification for why he had ended our relationship the way he did. Answers to a hundred unresolved issues. And why after all this time, we just couldn’t get past this bittern
ess between us.

  “Nathan.” He looked up at me, and I could barely hold in my anticipation. We were finally getting to the root of our problems. We finally had the chance to communicate. “Is that why you ended things? With us? You thought that me and Ricky…?”

  He looked away from me again, and I felt the swell of hope. This was it. It was all a misunderstanding. I didn’t know how I’d ever convince him of the truth, or if it even made a difference when we’d come so far since the easy friendship we once had. But the truth was a powerful thing. Deep down, I had a feeling that everything was about to change.

  “Not exactly…” he trailed off.

  Ughhh! What did that mean?

  All I wanted to do was beg him for more information. Had he been jealous? Nobly stepped away? The romantic sixteen-year-old within me fluttered to life, inventing all kinds of angst-ridden scenarios to twist it from what it had always been… rejection.

  But I had no idea of the shit storm that was about to unfold.

  He looked at me, eyes tight and angry. “He slept with Analise. He fucked my girlfriend. I wanted to fuck what was his.”

  My stomach sank to new depths.

  That was not what I had been expecting. At all.

  Analise… I barely remembered. His very first girlfriend. The one relationship that ended badly. The reason he gave me for not wanting to jump back into a committed relationship.

  Apparently she had cheated on him… with Ricky.

  Which meant our whole screwed up friends-with-benefits relationship had only ever been about getting back at them.

  As I stared at him, the hope within me sunk into a crater of darkness. It was far worse than I’d ever imagined. I fell in love for the first time with someone who was only using me for the cruelest intent: revenge.

  How had I deluded myself so completely? Admittedly, this wasn’t the first time I had misplaced my trust.

  Or, yes, I guess it was.