by Riley Jean
I expected a fight or a reproach or demand, but his next words surprised me on all counts.
“Stay at my place tonight?”
Every head in the shop whipped around and joined me in my gawking. He said it so casually, yet there was nothing casual about it. We’d never discussed our nights together in the light of day. And we definitely never made it public knowledge.
Awkwardly I started to choke and cough, and Vance patted my back to help. Ricky glared at his arm like he wanted to rip it off, the only indication of his mindset.
“I can’t,” I said quietly, avoiding looking at anyone.
He pressed his palms flat over the counter and leaned towards me, lowering his voice. “Come on, Scar. For once just come over just because I asked you to. Not because things are shit.”
“Hey,” Vance broke in. “She said no.”
“Not talking to you, apron boy.”
“Ricky!” I scolded. No matter how uncomfortable I was, I couldn’t let him speak that way to Vance. “What’s your problem?”
“Me?” he chuckled humorlessly. “I haven’t heard from you in over a month. Now you’re mad? What the fuck did I do?”
“Um, maybe we should give these two a little privacy,” Summer excused herself and tugged along a reluctant Kiki. Vance ignored her meaningful glare and stayed put.
I couldn’t be alone with these two right now. The tension was turning me into a crazy person. I stared at the girls, imploring them with my eyes to stay. But they retreated anyway.
Ricky didn’t even cast a glance in Vance’s direction. “Well?” he asked when the others were out of sight.
I said the first thing that popped into my head. “Why did you hit James?” Of all my options, it seemed like the easiest offense to bring up at the moment.
“Because he deserved it.”
“Was it because of me?”
His eyes narrowed.
Shit. Why did I ask that?
“Forget it,” I pinched between my eyes. He was completely right. I was being rude. How could I possibly explain to him everything I was feeling? I was embarrassed to tell him about what had happened with Nathan, afraid to tell him what was going on with Vance, and beyond hurt about what happened with Lexi. Or was this all because he kissed me? There was no good excuse. “Sorry. I don’t know why I’m acting like this.”
His cool and collected demeanor was absent. His normally fond eyes burned with emotion.
“What do you want from me?” he said gruffly.
His plea confused me. I didn’t intend to demand anything from him. “Nothing!” I replied, wide-eyed.
“Then why are you being a bitch?”
In a nanosecond, I went from trepidation to anger. Vaguely I heard Vance trying to kick him out of the shop. Ricky didn’t budge. Maybe I’d been handling this all wrong, but there was no way in hell I was going to let him talk to me like that. Not after I’d nursed his drunk ass Friday night, only to have him screw my ex-best friend the very next day. All I wanted was a little space to sort out my feelings. Was that too much to ask? Ignoring him had been immature, but I was trying my best to deal with it without lashing out. He had no reason to get nasty. And this time, he couldn’t blame it on the alcohol.
Stupid, foolish girl with stupid, weak emotions.
I turned away from him. “Leave me alone Ricky.”
“Fine.”
“Fine!” I shouted like a pre-adolescent.
Fuming, I stomped my way into the back room. How dare he? I knew that he had a temper and could be a real jerk when he was mad… save for Friday night when it turned into something else… I groaned. What had I expected? Maybe a thank you for taking care of him? Maybe a secret smile remembering our moment in the kitchen?
Certainly not screwing my lifelong tormentor less than twenty-four hours later.
And now… name calling? Really?
Not what I expected at all.
The girls were standing not two feet from the door when I came back. One look at their faces told me they’d heard the whole thing. Just perfect.
“Lover’s quarrel?” Summer snickered.
Vance entered right on my tail. He scowled at her, then aimed it at me.
“Stop.” I was not in the mood for this shit. “The next time I hear the words Ricky Storm, I’m leaving. I’m sick and tired of every little thing I do getting turned into some damn scandal. Ricky and I are not lovers. He has plenty of willing women to choose from and doesn’t need me for that. As a matter of fact, he doesn’t need me for anything.”
I was too carried away in my heated rant to notice the shift in the air again. At first when nobody said anything, I thought I had their undivided attention. Then I became painfully aware of that all-too-familiar presence encroaching from behind me. My stomach went dry from the inside out.
No, please no…
“Psst,” Kiki hinted with an indiscreet point. “He-who-shall-not-be-named is behind you.”
All my anger left in a whoosh.
Slowly, I turned and peeked up at him from underneath contrite lashes. There he stood in the doorway, the swinging door held open with a strong, tattooed arm. His gray gaze was back to stoic, unwavering from me.
“To answer your question… yes,” he stated with no emotion in his voice. Before I could form a single thought, he continued. “I kicked his ass because of what he said about you.”
Damn it.
My chest contracted. I couldn’t be any more confused. What had James said that made Ricky so mad? Why had he kissed me? And why had he showed up here tonight?
It was all so cryptic.
Whatever was going on between me and Ricky, only one thing was sure—I’d definitely made it worse.
“Ricky…”
“You’re welcome.”
He turned and walked away from me; the door swung shut behind him. For some reason it reminded me of Saturday night when I found him and Lexi entangled, and bolted from the house. Tonight, he was the one to turn and run.
It took about two seconds before I made up my mind and moved to follow him. Vance grasped my arm but I pulled away without a word. I owed Ricky an apology and nobody was going to stop me.
This was the difference between Ricky and me… Apparently I was chasing after him.
“Wait,” I said, trailing him through the store and into the dark parking lot. “Please, Ricky. I’m sorry.”
“Go away, Scar. Apparently I don’t need you for anything.”
“I said I’m sorry! I didn’t mean it, I just needed some time!”
Finally he spun around. His movement was so forceful, I had to stumble backwards so I didn’t run right into him. “Time for what? I don’t get why the hell you’re even mad! I’m not the one who’s too busy to answer a fucking text!”
I looked at him strangely. “I told you why.”
“When?” he demanded. “I haven’t heard one word from you since Halloween.”
A sinking feeling took over. Could he have been that drunk? I waited for him to correct himself but there was no recollection behind his eyes.
Once upon a time, a month and a half apart wasn’t anything out of the ordinary for us. Our friendship was always such that we were there for each other when needed, even if that meant not hanging out consistently.
But ever since I moved back home, things between us had changed. We spoke often. We went out together. We shared friends. We were now interwoven in each other’s daily lives. I should’ve realized he’d notice my avoidance. I just hadn’t expected it to make him so angry.
“Don’t you remember Friday night?”
“Yeah. I kicked your brother’s ass. Is that why you’re so mad?”
I shook my head. James needed some sense knocked into him. Whatever was said between them, I’d automatically sided with Ricky. “After that?”
His eyes lost focus, flipping through memories of that night. “I went home.”
“How did you get home?” I pressed.
“I
can’t remember,” he said, frustrated. “Look. Quit wasting my damn time. Whatever the hell you have to say, just say it.”
I was right, he had forgotten. After all the drama that night had caused, it was all for nothing.
I shoved a finger into my own chest. “I picked you up. I took you home. I cleaned up the blood and iced your eye and put you to bed.”
I wasn’t sure why I was telling him this. I wasn’t looking for a thank you. He had taken care of me for years and owed me nothing. Why couldn’t I just let it go and pretend the whole night never happened? Nothing needed to change. Yet here I was, doing what I did best—making it complicated. And I couldn’t seem to stop myself.
“And you kissed me.”
At that, his gray eyes grew wide with alarm. Finally. A crack in his emotionless mask. I steeled myself for his reaction as the truth sank in. Would he get angry? Laugh? Be indifferent? Which one would feel worse? So help me, if he called me out for overreacting about one little kiss, I might actually lose it.
But he remained silent.
I started to ramble nervously. “It was… nice actually… and I apologized for being distant, I was just trying to work out some personal stuff. But after that night I decided I wanted my friend back. I got your text the next day about the party. I texted you back, but I didn’t realize until later that the text failed. I showed up at Farrell’s house, and… saw you…” I couldn’t even look him in the eye. “…with Lexi.”
Seeing them together was like a punch to my gut. Even the memory of it now made me sick. I didn’t mean to accuse him. I wasn’t mad, exactly. And it wasn’t like I deserved an explanation. I didn’t know what I wanted—I was just hurt. Why her? Why the one person that had spent our entire lives putting me down? Did he really like her or did he hate me that much?
Both hands scrubbed down his face. “Thought I was seeing things,” he mumbled. I stayed quiet, giving him all the time he needed to digest this information.
This was a taboo subject for us. And I had certainly never alluded to jealousy before. Frankly it was none of my business. I knew about Ricky’s nightly habits, but I chose to be blissfully ignorant about it. The outside world never existed in our bubble. That was much harder when I had to witness it firsthand.
I could have handled our kiss… chalked it up to a drunken mistake and moved on. And I could’ve handled seeing him with someone… anyone other than Lexi. But having both happen within twenty-four hours was too much for me. And the fact that he couldn’t remember any of it or understand why I was upset was simply infuriating.
“I… ah hell, fucking damn it.” He exhaled in frustration. “I’m sorry, kiddo. I shouldn’t have done that.”
“Yeah?” I said, my voice small. Maybe he regretted it. Maybe he was drunk Saturday night, too, and never even meant to mess around with Lexi. Maybe he didn’t remember that, either.
“Yeah. Being groped by some drunk guy who’s supposed to be like family… No wonder you’re pissed.”
I looked up into his handsome face, all my hopes spiraling down a drain. I realized he wasn’t sorry for fighting or forgetting how I took care of him. He wasn’t horrified for how I witnessed him and Lexi together. No… he was apologizing for kissing me.
My heart wasn’t breaking. I knew what that felt like, and it wasn’t this. But it was no strawberry milkshake, either. It felt hollow, like a dull ache in my stomach. I’d told the girls repeatedly that Ricky wasn’t attracted to me. Why should it hurt to hear the same truth from his own lips?
I had to clench my jaw to stop my damn lip from quivering. No matter if it was the first time, or the last time, whether it involved love or not, rejection always sucked.
“What’d I say now? I didn’t mean…”
I rolled my eyes, using every bit of effort to appear indifferent. I didn’t want to hear his attempts to placate me.
“It’s fine, Ricky. Let’s just forget this whole thing ever happened. Easy enough for you, I assume?”
He grimaced.
“I’m sorry for being a bitch,” I offered. “It was no big deal, anyway. I’ll drop it. I just…”
He was looking back at me with round, unreadable eyes, but I had no words to give him. All my effort was focused on circumventing an emotional reaction. If only I could wipe the whole thing from my memory, just like he had. If only I could stop caring altogether.
There was no way to fix it now. I just had to leave. “I’ll… see you around.”
He reached out and gripped my hand, stopping me in my tracks. “Wait.”
I stared up at him expectantly. “For what?”
“I don’t know… I don’t know what to say.”
That was the thing about men of few words. When you needed to hear something specific, even if you didn’t know exactly what that was, they let you down every time.
I sniffled. “Well, that makes two of us.”
Buzzing on their nightly fill of gossip, the girls hung around for awhile. Kiki kept pestering me with questions about Ricky while Summer made desperate attempts to flirt with Vance. Even though part of me was glad not to be alone with him just yet, it didn’t make our shift together any less strained.
At one point when we had a moment alone, Vance leaned down and spoke quietly in my ear, “They think you’re with him.”
“Well obviously I’m not,” I retorted. “But maybe this is a good thing… If they think I’m with Ricky, they won’t find out about you.”
* * *
[Journal]
It’s human nature to justify our own mistakes.
True, in some ways we’re overcritical of ourselves. Like the way we look, our possessions or achievements. We always look to others and compare, wishing for more, bigger, better.
But not with our actions.
Even if guilt convicts our conscience initially, we find a way to skew the perspective until we are no longer in the wrong.
We compare ourselves to the worst case scenario, and tell ourselves we’re not that bad.
We feel entitled.
We get technical.
We play the victim.
We blame someone else. Or society.
We make excuses and seek validation.
We are extremely quick to forgive ourselves.
But how often do we refuse the same grace to another?
How often do we hold others to a higher standard, but lower the bar for ourselves?
Chapter 34
Marked
“Temporary Bliss” by The Cab
It was Vance’s last night here.
He was leaving first thing in the morning for a two-week camping trip with his brothers. That’s fourteen days—three-hundred thirty-six hours—that our little town would be without its brightest smile, and I would be without my best friend.
It was longest time we’d spend apart since the very first day we met. We still worked together a few days each week, and I’d been crashing at his place almost every night. So naturally, the thought of being apart for fourteen days, including Christmas, was taking a toll on us both.
Sure, we drove each other nuts most of the time. He was relentless in his pursuit, and I kept him at arm’s length, hoping he’d grow tired of my ambivalence and move on.
Still, it felt like I was about to endure fourteen days without sun.
What was my problem lately? I never used to mind being alone. In fact, I used to prefer it. I used to favor writing and reflecting in solitude over socializing. Getting some space would be good for us. A much needed break from the disastrous attachment that had developed.
Or so I kept telling myself.
This last week leading up to his departure, we’d both become increasingly anxious. Things had started to feel a bit rocky, especially after Vance had taken a huge step forward by declaring the “L” word, yet I was still stuck battling my commitment fears and hiding secrets. On top of everything else, the whole Ricky thing certainly didn’t help. We were both feeling the pressure of pull and resistan
ce, and I wondered how long he could hold out for this stagnant relationship. There came a point where we were only prolonging the inevitable.
Of course, Summer had planned a party at The Alley so we could give him a proper send off. To be quite frank, I didn’t want to be there, sharing his last few hours with everybody, dodging incriminating stares every time I dared to speak. I wanted to be cuddled together on his couch, just the two of us. I wanted to be lying in his arms, holding off sleep just so I could draw out his presence a little longer.
This party was nothing but a means to an end.
In order to save time later, we carpooled to The Alley. The whole ride in his truck was quiet and introspective. Neither one of us were eager to speak our minds.
He parked the car in the back of the lot and turned to face me. There was a look in his eyes… a sharp, piercing stare. Like he was seeing right through me and nothing else but me. Like every brain cell was focused solely on carnal need in its most raw and basic form. Like his desire was barely contained.
He let his eyes wander shamelessly, head to toe. I had dressed up a bit tonight (no hoodie in sight), including a black cardigan over a red lacy top, and a choker with three stars that reminded me of Orion’s Belt. He said nothing about the way I looked. But he didn’t have to. Something about the way little tingles were shooting up my spine told me he’d noticed.
Without a word, he placed his big hands on my hips and pulled me across the bench until there was no space between us. Oh, the way he was looking at me alone made my breath hitch and my heart spike. Green eyes boring into mine with pure, unfettered desire… it was almost animalistic.
The next thing I knew, I was on my back, laid across the truck bench in the back of a public parking lot, and Vance was on top of me, unleashing the full force of his love, his need, his white-hot lust. His lips took the lead, needy and covetous tonight. Flaming a fire neither one of us wanted to squelch.
He kissed me harder than I’d ever been kissed, giving heat and attention to every inch of my sensitized skin. My legs wrapped around his hips and I stuck my hands up the back of his shirt. I loved to feel the way his back muscles flexed and contracted while he moved to touch me.