by Riley Jean
Wake
“Broken” by Seether and Amy Lee
[Past]
“You can’t hug me from that side of the glass! Get your cute little asses over here!”
Gwen and I exchanged huge grins then both laughed as we rushed around the counter to hug our old friend. I’d told Phoenix that Gwen and I worked together now, but I hadn’t expected him to show up.
“It’s been forever!” Gwen said as she squeezed one side of him. I squeezed the other, though it hadn’t been forever for me. “How are you? How is everyone?”
“All copasetic, babe. Living the dream. I’m still waiting for that wedding invitation though!”
She lit up. “You’ll get one. Soon, I think, after he gets promoted. You’ll get one for sure.”
“I better,” he said with a friendly wink. He glanced at me, then back to Gwen. “So… you guys got Rocky Road around here?”
“I can make it for you,” she offered.
After she went back around the counter to fix his dessert, he turned to face me with a soft expression. “You left before we finished our set.”
My smile dimmed at the mention of Sock Philosophy’s performance last weekend, and the reminder of the way Nathan had used their band like a weapon to deliver his personal attack.
“I can’t imagine why,” I responded, terse. One song was more than enough.
Phoenix was no dummy. “Sorry about the song, Scar.”
I nodded once. “Did he write it?”
“Come on. You know Nate,” he chuckled. “Never knew a good thing when he had it.”
“I don’t care about that anymore,” I said, looking away. “I just don’t get it. I actually have reasons to be bitter. But what the hell is his problem?”
“Does it help that Dirk and I both called him an asshole?”
“No,” I said, but a small smile pushed its way through. It helped a little.
“He wasn’t expecting to see you. There. With Ricky. Looking like this. We were all shocked, but Nate… I think you broke his heart all over again.”
I looked up at him, hopeful… mostly out of spite (or so I told myself). “You think?”
“The truth?” he asked. I nodded. “He dug his own grave because he can’t get over himself. You guys were good together. If I were only Nate’s friend, you’d be the kinda girl I could only wish for him to find.” With a sigh, he tugged lightly at one of my curls. “But I can’t wish that, because I’m your friend, too.”
His unexpected sweetness gave me pause. No one had ever put it like that before. I knew I deserved better than the way Nathan had treated me, especially towards the end. But it was nice to know someone else actually saw beyond the disastrous match we had become. We were good together. At least we had been, as friends. It made me feel better knowing I wasn’t the only one who saw it.
“Thanks Phoenix,” I said, hugging him. “I knew there was a reason you were always my favorite.”
“Tell Storm he better take good care a’ ya,” he said, hugging me back.
I smiled. “He always does.”
* * *
[Present]
Screw baby steps, said the universe. And then I was shoved right out of the nest.
Right when I decided to care… life bombarded with the force of a tsunami, emotions knocking me on my ass and obliterating everything in its path. I was unprepared… powerless to stand against it. So I, too, was swept away in the storm.
The death of someone so young. The loss of a friend.
A cataclysmic tragedy.
“Oh, God. No. Not Phoenix…”
My roommate pried the cell phone from my hands. She quickly started micromanaging.
“Let’s get you on the first flight out to L.A. I’ll print your tickets. You, pack your bags.”
I shook my head, wiping the tears from my eyes. “I can’t go. Finals are next week. Plus, do you have any idea how expensive—”
“Hey!” She snapped her fingers at me. “You don’t gotta be so sensible all the time! We’ll get you back before finals. As for the tickets, I’ve got that part covered. You need to be there, don’t worry about anything else.”
I gawked at my roommate. Had I heard her correctly? “No. No way. I can’t let you do that. You’re saving for a new car!”
“I can get a new car anytime,” she shrugged. “You need to get on that plane today.”
I didn’t like feeling indebted to people. I fumbled for some way to make this right. “I’ll pay you back,” I offered.
She shook her head. “It’s a gift. No strings attached.”
“But why?” I didn’t understand.
“Because, Scarlett…” She put her hands on my shoulders and looked me in the eyes. “Love—that’s what it’s all about. Nothing in this world matters more than people. And something tells me you could use a little reminder.”
I blinked up at her. “I’m going back to California?”
“I reckon you must feel a bit like a gnat caught in a hail storm right now. But you can do it. You’re ready,” she said, adamant. “Now move it, sugar. There’ll be plenty of time to cry on the way to the airport.”
Was I ready? I wasn’t so sure. My stomach filled with dragons at the mere thought of returning to the mess I’d left behind.
But she was right about one thing—I needed to be there. For Phoenix, I needed to go.
I would not slip back into numbness. I would not let myself tune out.
So I did as she said. I packed my bags. Got in her car.
Then I cried the whole way to the airport.
* * *
It took me a while to pull myself together. I had the longest distance to travel by far. But I would show. Of course I would show.
With my heart in my throat, I walked through the gate and into the familiar backyard where I relived a thousand memories in a matter of seconds. Everything from kickbacks, to birthday parties, to making music, to cheering on the guys as they played basketball or football. Plus one very stupid, very destructive night.
For a moment I wondered if any of them even wanted to see me. Of course we all loved Phoenix. And once upon a time, we all loved each other. But each of us had strayed a long way since then, torn apart by hurtful words, bad decisions and drama. Now that the best of us was gone, I wondered if there was anything left to hold us together.
The moment I stepped into that yard, it was like a trip back in time. They were all here… all except one. And suddenly the other stuff seemed petty.
Dirk saw me first. His eyes were more red and swollen than in the eighth grade, when we found out his mother had moved out. I went towards him immediately and he met me with a bear hug. As we clung to each other in our brokenness, I wished I had the magic words to comfort him. He just lost his best friend. What were they going to do without him? What was the world going to do without him?
Dirk released me and Gwen took his place, hooking her arms around my neck and sniffling into my shoulder. Once upon a time, I might’ve thought Gwen was tough as nails. But after this year, I knew better. Her heart was a little misguided at times, but her love had the strength to move mountains.
Lexi was next. She nearly ran me over trying to embrace me. I chuckled sadly and combed my fingers through her blond hair from root to tip, because I knew it used to soothe her. Her body shuddered with sobs. My own tears spilled over. I squeezed my eyes shut and let myself feel the red-hot burn of grief. Phoenix didn’t deserve my detachment.
Then, in an action I never could’ve seen coming, Nathan grabbed my arm and pulled me into him, tucking my head under his chin. And just like that, I was back in the first safe haven I had ever known. I missed him. For some stupid reason, I would always miss him.
When his big arms wrapped around me, I let it all go—all the hurt and the drama and everything else that never even mattered in the grand scheme of things. Instead of trying to be the strong one, I took the comfort he offered. I needed it. Badly.
His hands moved across my
back just like they used to, providing a warmth I had forced myself to forget. I wept on Nathan’s shoulder for us. For our friends. For Phoenix.
Three more sets of arms came around us in a united group hug. And together we stayed just like we used to be— knotted as one.
* * *
“Remember that time we went to Venice Beach?” said Gwen.
“And Dirk ripped his shirt off and started lifting weights to show off in front of those Swedish chicks,” added Lexi.
I smiled. “And Nathan charged that girl five bucks to paint a fairy on her back, but instead he painted the Batman symbol.”
We all laughed a little at that.
Dirk grew serious. “All he wanted to do was get back out there and surf again.”
“He always said, ‘I’m either living my dreams,’” quoted Nathan, and we all joined in to finish, “‘Or I’m living my fears.’”
After that everyone needed a moment.
Dirk was the first to let go. No words were needed. When he walked away from our huddle the rest of us followed silently, obediently. It was the only thing that felt right.
The cluttered tools and subtle musk of Dirk’s garage had become a faded memory from my youth. But we moved into position like it had only been yesterday since we last played together.
Dirk and Nathan lifted the straps and fitted themselves into their guitars. Gwen dusted off the old keyboard. Lexi grabbed the egg shakers. I picked up the second microphone, to which Nathan frowned but said nothing.
Nathan and Gwen started us off to the tune of Lyndard Skynard’s “Free Bird.” One by one, we all joined in.
The drums sat eerily silent.
The group hadn’t lost its chemistry, even after all these years. The emotion behind the somber melody had never been more powerful.
When Nathan got too choked up to sing, I took over the vocals and placed a hand on his back. He reciprocated by wrapping an arm around my shoulders. And we finished the song together.
At the final chord, Nathan spoke into the microphone the one thing that was in all our hearts:
“Today… the Phoenix is flying free.”
* * *
Everything had changed for our once indestructible clique.
We fought. We went different ways. We hurt each other.
But today, for the first time in a long time, I remembered the friendships that we once shared, and their goodness became real once again.
It wasn’t right that Phoenix was gone. And nothing we could do would make it right or bring him back. But we had a choice in how to react to this tragedy, and we chose to let it draw us together, instead of letting us rip us further apart.
And that was a start.
Apologies and forgiveness were exchanged, along with more hugs and tears, until Nathan and I were the only ones left in that garage, and we couldn’t avoid it any longer.
“You must think I’m pathetic,” I said, perched up on a tool chest.
He looked at me questioningly.
“You honestly thought that Ricky and I were together, while he was with all those other girls?”
“Yeah, well,” he smiled ruefully and looked down. “You’ve been known to date some idiots.”
Self-deprecating humor? A first for Nathan. Never thought I’d see the day.
At least today, of all days, we were all able to put aside the drama and everything about high school that had become sour in our memories. I couldn’t help but wonder if Phoenix was here watching over us, helping us heal, keeping us calm, like he always had.
Too bad it had taken his death to get us here.
“I know you’ll never believe me, but I meant what I said that night. Ricky was always like a brother to me. He looked out for me. He gave me a safe place to go when things got rough at home. That’s all.” With Nathan I was always faithful. Ironically, as my first, he had my full heart and purest devotion. “Still… I shouldn’t have done it.”
He nodded but didn’t respond.
“And they haven’t all been idiots.” I paused to gauge his reaction. “Do you remember Vance Holloway?”
His lip curled. “Isn’t that guy married?”
I rolled my eyes with a huff. “No. He is not married. Do you ever get tired of making this stuff up?”
At least he had the decency to look sheepish. “Yeah, yeah. Fine. Holloway’s alright. If you like pretty boys.”
I laughed. That was probably the best I was gonna get out of him. And I had to appreciate his consistency. Sometimes the only people we can rely on for consistency are the jerks.
“I’m sorry about Analise,” I said. “I know how much it screws with your mind when someone you love betrays your trust.”
He didn’t say anything, but he lifted a shoulder.
I took a deep breath and wondered if my next words would be a mistake. Maybe this wasn’t the appropriate time or place. Maybe unspoken words were pointless after all this time had passed.
But as it was, maybe this was all we had.
No turning back.
Phoenix would understand.
“I really cared about you,” I said. He glanced up with eyes full of incredulity but I pressed forward. “I know you never felt the same and you probably don’t give a rip about this now but I never told you before and I may never get another chance so I wanted you to know… I did. And I’m sorry for everything,” I said. “All the games and the fights and the drama. I lost who I was for a while there and… I’m just sorry.”
This was exactly the kind of thing that made him uncomfortable. Even if he didn’t care to talk about it, I needed him to know. It was necessary for my own closure.
He pulled a familiar move—brushing it off with forced levity. “Hey… what’s high school without a little drama?”
That earned a barely-there smile from me. It was amnesty, endearing in a way only Nathan Bentley could pull off. Oh well. I said what I had to say. I gave a cordial nod then turned to go.
“Wait. Scarlett?”
I stopped and waited.
He released a heavy sigh and scrubbed a hand down his face. “I’m sorry, too.”
Oh no. I said what I said because I meant it and I needed closure, not because I needed his apology as well. “You don’t have to—”
“How was I supposed to know? You’re a closed fucking book. I saw you sneaking around with Storm and just assumed the worst.”
If I was honest with myself, I could see how he doubted me. At sixteen, I was afraid to admit the depth of my feelings to Nathan because I thought it would only complicate things for us. Many times I pretended to be indifferent out of fear of opening my heart and it pushing him away.
But in the long run, it did more harm than good. We could have both saved ourselves a world of trouble if we had just been honest with one another at the time.
“I know,” I said. “I’m working on it.”
“It’s not that I didn’t care, but everything was so fucked up. You know what I’m saying?”
I bit my lip and nodded, thinking of Miles. I owed him a phone call. “Yes, I do.”
“So… sorry for being an asshole.”
I exhaled deeply. It was everything I could have expected and more. We both spoke our piece and got the closure we needed after all these years.
How often do people get to repair broken bridges?
Tonight I got to fix four.
Phoenix would have been proud.
I walked back gave him a quick hug. “Thank you. For believing me. And for being civil.”
He removed the beanie and combed his fingers through his shaggy hair, looking down at me with that classic lopsided smile. “You’ve changed, Scarlett Rossi.”
“You too,” I tossed over my shoulder on my way out. “You used to be funny.”
* * *
The weather was all wrong.
Today called for a dark, torrential downpour. But the cloudless azure sky was bright and warm, while there were droves of us down here feeling not at al
l sunny.
Over two thousand people showed up to mourn Preston “Phoenix” Parsons. The overwhelming number should have surprised me, but it didn’t. Phoenix was the kind of guy who touched every person he met. No one attended as an acquaintance. I saw it in every face—the loss of their best friend, their brother.
Had I touched two thousand lives that deeply? Did I even know two thousand people? Doubtful.
It could’ve just as easily been me lying in that coffin. Or Vance. Or Ricky. Or anyone. That was the lesson I missed the first time around. It wasn’t just about mourning the one you lost; it was about celebrating the life he led, and embracing the lives we have yet to live, even after he left us behind.
The number of flowers quadrupled the guests, filling the open air with rosy perfume. Family members made banners and photo collages in his dedication, and so many of the pictures featured our old clique. A trip to Disneyland in sixth grade. A human pyramid at the beach. Middle school graduation. Football games. Junior prom. All six of us in Dirk’s garage. His drum set. Surfing. Bungee jumping. Rock climbing. Sky diving. Even one of me laughing while he and Nathan each kissed a cheek.
The five of us sat in a row during the eulogies. Every person that stood up to speak talked about his zest for life, his big heart, and his fearless spirit. It was his legacy. He was the guy who would try anything once, almost as if he knew his time was short, and purposefully packed so much life into every moment.
There was not a dry eye in the group. So many inspirational stories were shared of the boy who lived a big life every day. In so many ways, he was an example to all of us.
In so many ways… but one.
The girls and I clutched hands as Dirk and Nathan got up to speak, then again when they served as pall bearers. It broke our hearts to see both boys look so solemn. Nathan was sober, Dirk definitely was not.
During the burial, I slipped away. I understood that my friend was gone. I didn’t need to watch him being put into the ground. I wanted to give him a real goodbye, and crowds weren’t conducive to words I needed to say.
These words were just for Phoenix.