by Candy Caine
“I have my reasons. Why are we talking about this?”
“Because it’s important. What’s really going on here?” Charles’s face had become dark with anger.
“I’d like to drop the subject, Charles.”
“You’re acting like a child.”
“Are you certain you want to discuss this?”
“I thought we already were, Jade.”
Jade knew where they were headed and had never wanted to have this conversation with Charles. It wouldn’t be pleasant.
“Is this about race?” he finally asked, bringing it out into the open.
“Damn straight it is. You’ve met my parents. They didn’t exactly welcome you into their home, did they?”
“They were…cordial.”
Jade raised an eyebrow. “According to whose standards—Caroline’s?”
“That is unbecoming of you,” he said.
“Sorry. Look, the point I’m trying to make here is that they’ll explode when they see Preston.”
“Because he’s so light-skinned?”
“Exactly. They’re militant blacks and just as biased as those Aryan groups. No one group has a monopoly on hate. Hate comes in every color.”
“So you were going to keep his existence a secret forever?” Charles said.
“No. I just have to find the best way to tell them.”
“Things won’t change, you know. I mean, he’s not going to become black.”
Jade looked at him. “Charles, you’ve got to understand my parents’ mindset. They’re furious at me for not associating with my own kind to begin with. That makes me ‘uppity’ in their eyes. And to compound that grievous error, you’re married and Preston is practically white. We’ve got nothing going for us here.”
Charles was quiet for several moments, probably thinking about what Jade had just said.
“I think I’m beginning to understand your hesitation,” he said at last. “Even so, you’re going to have to tell them sometime.”
Jade nodded.
“By the way, what did you want to talk about?”
Drained, she no longer cared to talk about anything else that night. Instead, she wanted to go to sleep and not wake up until everything was resolved.
“Nothing important,” she said, and tried to stifle a yawn.
“Tired?”
He got the hint.
“A little.”
“I’ll say good night, then.”
Jade walked Charles to the door, wondering if there would ever be a good time to tell her parents about Preston.
* * *
Be careful of what you wish for. That was the lesson Jade learned before dawn the following morning when she awoke to the persistent ringing of her cell phone. Only bad news came at such an ungodly hour.
In the dark, she fumbled around her night table until she located her phone. Still half asleep, she answered it and heard her sister Vanessa’s high-pitched voice. Jade hadn’t spoken to her in years. The last time was at Vanessa’s second wedding ceremony. She must have gotten Jade’s number from their mother. That meant Mama was still pissed at her. Jade had really hoped she’d mellow with time and understand Jade couldn’t flourish in Trenton.
“Get your sorry black ass down to Lincoln General—”
“Who’s—?”
“The old man had a stroke and it’s bad.”
“How’s Mama taking it?” Jade asked, finally getting more than one word in.
“Come see for yourself.”
Jade was about to ask another question when she realized Vanessa had already hung up. Nice conversation. Perhaps more than she should expect from her older sister. Vanessa had always resented Jade’s intrusion into her life. Didn’t like that she’d had to share her things with her. She’d always told Jade, “If you hadn’t been born, I’d have had it all.”
The phone call blew all the cobwebs of sleep away. Jade had to go to the hospital to see her father and had no one to watch Preston. Well, whether or not she wanted to break the news about her child, she had no choice now.
Jade made coffee, showered and dressed all before Preston got up. After she changed and fed him, she packed an overnight bag for them both—in case she had to stay in New Jersey. Wanting to be free to go as she pleased and not have to depend on public transportation, Jade rented a car and then left a message on Charles’s phone.
* * *
At the hospital, Jade found parking in the visitors’ lot and put Preston into his stroller. She hadn’t been here in years, not since her sister’s miscarriage, and yet the hospital looked the same with its portico out front and busy lobby. She walked inside and went over to the information desk. Her father was on the fourth floor. She took the elevator up.
Jade had a sinking feeling in the pit of her stomach, and the drab, olive-green walls surrounding her did nothing to soothe it. The unique hospital smell of disinfectant and sickness assaulted her nasal passages and she nearly gagged. How she hated hospitals!
The door to the room was open. She took a deep breath and pushed the stroller inside.
Chapter 14
Her father was hooked up to an IV. There was a breathing tube in his nose. His eyes were closed. Jade noticed his hair was totally white now, making him appear older than his years.
Suddenly her mother came between Jade and her father, blocking her approach. Her mother nodded toward the door. They went back out into the hall.
She looked at Preston long and hard. “How dare you bring that bastard into this room!” she spat.
“This child is your grandson.”
“He’s no blood to me. My grandson would have black blood flowing through his veins.”
“How can you deny your own?” Jade asked.
Her mother ignored the question. “Is this the child of that white lawyer who paid us a visit?”
“Yes.”
“I thought so. He keeping you? I don’t see no ring on your finger.”
“I love him, Mom.”
“You’re his whore.”
Jade shook her head. “It’s complicated.”
“It always is. They only use us.”
“Charles isn’t like that,” Jade protested.
“Then why isn’t your union blessed?”
“It will be.”
“When?”
“After he divorces his wife.”
“Don’t be a fool, Jade. He’ll never divorce her because he has the best of both worlds. You’re just too stupid too see that.”
“Charles—”
Her mother put her hand up to silence her. “Take him and go back to where you came from.”
“I want to see Dad,” Jade insisted.
“Do you want to kill him? What do you think will happen when he sees that?” She pointed at Preston.
Deep inside, Jade knew her mother was telling her like it was. Her father was no different from her mother and in many ways worse. Years of prejudice had molded them into the hateful people they’d become. She turned to leave as the first tear escaped from the corner of her eye.
“You’re dead to us now, Jade. You hear me? Dead!”
“Ma Ma,” Preston said, trying to get her attention.
Tears streamed down Jade’s face as she patted his head. So be it, Mama. We’ll live without you. To hell with you all.
* * *
Jade called Charles from the road. “I’m on my way home,” she said, her voice thick with emotion.
“You sound upset. I take it things didn’t go too well.”
“You might say that. I’ve been disowned.”
“Disowned? That’s rather harsh.”
“Uh-huh—but so damned effective.”
“I’m sorry, honey. I always thought blood was thicker than water.”
“You don’t know my parents. And by the looks of things, you never will.”
“I’ll try to stop by tonight,” he said.
“You don’t have to. I’m exhausted. I didn’t get much sleep last
night and the drive knocked me out.”
“All right. I’ll bring some take-out tomorrow night. Feel better, darling. I love you.”
Her mother’s hateful words about her relationship with Charles echoed in her head and all Jade was able to say was, “Okay. See you tomorrow.”
* * *
That night, tired as she was, Jade lay awake thinking about the confrontation she’d had with her mother. Had she been so naïve to think she’d get a chance to see her father? Hadn’t she really expected her mother to act exactly as she had? After all, her parents had marched with Martin Luther King only to realize they’d no time or patience for the slow pace that the changes in civil rights were taking. In essence, their views had become radicalized. Growing up in a segregated South, who could really blame them? However, it was time for them to change course again and rejoin the mainstream of society. African-Americans had come a long way and had even reached the White House. Unfortunately, her parents were myopic and just couldn’t read the writing on their crumbling wall. Instead, they’d rather cling to their prejudices.
As Jade stared at the ceiling, she thought about her love for Charles. Was it strong enough to weather all the storms—especially the ones when he wasn’t around? Was she independent and strong enough to raise Preston—no matter what? She wanted to be able to shout out “Yes!” However, she wasn’t certain.
Chapter 15
Charles and Jade often discussed Preston’s upbringing. She knew he preferred her to be a stay-at-home mom while the boy was developing his major skills. Charles didn’t want her to place Preston in day care just so she could go back to work. There was no need, because he would take care of them. This was wonderful, but what would she do if Charles ever left her or, God forbid, anything ever happened to Charles? She wanted to prepare for any eventuality by having a job to fall back on. She intended to discuss that with Charles, and the sooner, the better.
Unfortunately, Charles couldn’t be with them all the time. Sometimes Jade felt as if she was raising Preston as a single parent. Especially when Preston was sick and Charles wasn’t there to help. Being a mom was just as new to her as the world was to Preston. But when Charles was home with Caroline Jade couldn't call him. She was afraid to stir up trouble, even though he’d made her promise to do so in an emergency. Sometimes she found herself scared beyond belief, so afraid she was making a mistake, that she nearly dialed his number, only to break the connection at the last possible moment. She always tried to find a way to deal with the crisis herself.
Until one night when she was so distressed, she’d have sold her soul to the devil. She would never forget that night as long as she lived. She’d put Preston to bed at the usual time. Charles had called earlier to let her know he’d be going home to Long Island. If things went well with the case he was working on, he’d see her for dinner the following night. Jade’s life seemed very much like a light bulb lately. Charles was the on/off switch. When he showed up at the apartment, the switch was on, and when he left, her life dimmed.
Jade soaked in a hot bath and then crawled into bed with a book. She had fallen asleep a short time later only to be awakened by a loud thump, followed a beat later by Preston’s high-pitched scream. Nearly tripping over her slippers, she raced into his bedroom and turned on the light.
Her hands flew to her mouth as her heart plummeted. Her eyes took in everything as fear and panic caused her head to throb. She began to gag on the bile that had risen into her throat. Preston had fallen out of the crib onto the hard wood floor, and blood was seeping from his head.
Ever since she was a young child, Jade couldn’t handle the sight of blood. When she was older, she was able to tolerate seeing her own blood, but she still got queasy at the sight of another person’s. This was different. She had no choice. He was a child—her child—and he needed her help. Only…she hardly knew what to do as she fought the reflex to vomit.
“Oh God, oh God, oh, my poor baby!” she cried, tears streaming down her cheeks as she fell to her knees at his side. His eyes were shut. He lay there so still, blood trickling from his nose, she feared he was no longer breathing. Then his eyes fluttered opened and he began to scream again. “Shh, baby,” she cooed. Afraid to move him, she ran for her phone and hit 911.
His crying turned into a whimper as she shouted like a crazy person at the dispatcher to send help for her baby. Despite the dispatcher’s pleas for her to calm down, how could she? Her baby could be dying as she watched the puddle of blood around his head grow in size. And it was her fault. She was a terrible mother. How was she going to live without Preston? Would the ambulance get there in time? Why was this happening?
Preston was hardly moving now. She looked toward the ceiling. “Lord, I beg you, help my boy. I’ll do anything.” Where the hell was the ambulance? Every minute that passed felt like an hour. Her life was ebbing along with Preston’s. She needed Charles. Oh, why wasn’t he here when she needed him? It was nearly 6 a.m. Charles would be getting ready to go to work. Half out of her mind, Jade called him and got his voice mail. In one long breath, she left a frantic message telling him what had happened. In the next, she told him the ambulance had arrived and that she’d be at the hospital. She knew when he’d heard this message he’d go straight to the hospital.
Jade watched helplessly as the EMT techs checked Preston. She recited every prayer in her head she’d been taught as a child.
“Is…is he gonna be all right?”
“Let’s let the doctors take a look at him,” the man said, not actually answering her.
The ride to the hospital was sheer torment. Out of nowhere, her mother’s hateful words echoed in Jade’s head. Was this punishment for her crossing the line? Was it because she was uppity? Or was she a whore for sleeping with a married man? Her mind was a clutter of conflicting thoughts. At last she tossed her mother’s accusations aside, knowing that her love for Charles was true and good and therefore, couldn’t be wrong.
Preston was rushed into the ER and examined by a doctor, while she was forced to fill out paperwork. Her baby could be dying, but the damn paperwork had to be completed!
While she was still filling out the forms, a nurse came over to her. In a tiny, scared voice Jade hardly recognized as her own, she asked, “Will he be okay?”
“He’ll be taking x-rays and undergoing some tests. This will take a while, so why don’t you get a cup of coffee and try to relax?”
Relax? That word seemed so alien. Jade nodded and the nurse walked away. Jade glanced at the clock on the wall. Nearly seven-fifteen. Where the hell was Charles?
She got a cup of coffee from the vending machine and sat down. Her hands were still shaking and she nearly spilled the hot liquid on her lap. Charles was probably on the train coming here now. It wasn’t as if he lived around the corner. She told herself to stop stressing. He’d be here, Jade assured herself.
However, as the hour passed and slowly crept into the next, she knew Charles wasn’t going to come. And there seemed no explanation—at least one she could deal with. She thought he loved Preston…
The doctor came looking for her. Her heart stopped beating.
“He’s going to be okay. There’s a little swelling, so we’re going to keep him here overnight for observation.”
“Thank God!” Jade said, and breathed normally again.
She had to fill out the necessary medical forms to have Preston admitted. Never an end to the paperwork. At least they had insurance. Charles had seen to it. He was listed as Preston’s father. A voice in the back of her head chided, Yeah, in name only. A real father would be here standing right next to you.
Jade remained the rest of the day and night with Preston. It was the longest day of her life. Somehow, sitting in a chair by Preston’s bed, she’d fallen into a fitful sleep. Her angry thoughts about Charles had transformed into a nasty dream. In the dream, Jade was a bystander watching as Charles listened to her voice mail and made a joke of it to Caroline. He referred to Jade as a c
hild who couldn’t handle anything. Caroline opened her arms and he fell into them, kissing her passionately. She pulled away and asked, “Does that mean we can’t have a threesome?”
In the morning, Preston was still groggy. The doctor came in to check him and found him fit enough to go home that afternoon. Jade was instructed to check him periodically when he slept and make an appointment to have the pediatrician examine him in a few days.
Relieved, Jade turned on her cell phone to call a taxi. She’d forgotten she’d turned the phone off. There were several messages from Charles. Curious as to what excuse he’d given for not showing up at the hospital, she began to listen to them.
“On my way to court. Tried to call you. Will try later.”
He sounded worried in his second message. “Tried you again. Where the hell are you? Call me.”
By the third and fourth messages he was practically shouting into the phone. He might have even gone to the apartment looking for them. That certainly didn’t sound like someone who didn’t care. It sounded like someone who didn’t know. He seemed to have no idea where she was and kept asking her to call and tell him. Jade began to suspect that somehow Charles had never heard her original voice mail or any of the following ones. And now he must be thinking the worst. Immediately, she keyed in his number, hoping for him to answer. The call went directly to his voice mail, and she told him what had happened to Preston. After disconnecting, she couldn’t help but wonder if he’d ever hear it.
* * *
Charles had no idea where Jade had gone and couldn’t understand why she hadn’t gotten back to him. He must have called her a dozen times. So many questions crowded his mind—none, of course, pleasant. Either something terrible had happened to Jade or Preston, or she’d run away again. Like a crazy man, he’d gone to the apartment, but no one was there and nothing seemed out of the ordinary. When he saw Jade’s coat and purse gone, along with Preston’s jacket, he didn’t bother to search the place. Instead, he simply closed the door behind him and left.