Maybe This Kiss

by Jennifer Snow

“Okay, smarty pants.”

  “Were you crying?” Taylor asked, studying her.

  “It’s a wedding. You’re supposed to cry.” Seeing her in-laws approaching, she straightened and forced a smile. Here we go. Her grip tightened on Neil’s hand next to her. “Hi, Trish, Lee. Beautiful wedding.”

  Trish nodded. “Holly did a fantastic job with the decorations, and she looked absolutely beautiful—I hear we have you to thank for that.”

  “Holly would have looked beautiful regardless,” she said. Then clearing her throat, she did the introductions. “Trish, Lee, this is Neil Healy. Neil, Trish and Lee Christiansen—Holly’s parents, Taylor’s grandparents…My in-laws…” Nerves made her cheeks redden. How many more ways was she going to say it?

  She held her breath as Neil stepped forward and extended a hand. “Nice to meet you both,” he said.

  Trish smiled and Lee accepted the handshake.

  Becky suddenly wondering why she’d been so terrified of this moment. Her in-laws were good people—caring, compassionate, kind—like their children. They would understand her eventual moving on.

  “Great to meet you,” Lee said.

  Trish nodded. “Taylor and Holly have both told us a lot about you.” She winked at Becky.

  Right. She should have expected as much. Her shoulders relaxed even more.

  “You’re the Air Force pilot who discovered Rob’s search-and-rescue kit, is that right?” Lee asked, his green eyes glistening slightly behind his glasses.

  Neil nodded. “Yes, sir.”

  Trish stepped forward and hugged him. “Thank you,” she whispered, smiling over his shoulder at Becky.

  “You gave us a sense of closure we hadn’t realized we needed. Thank you for that,” Lee said.

  Becky swallowed another lump in her throat at their unexpected reaction. Damn weddings. No mascara was safe. She dabbed the corner of her eye with a tissue and nodded toward the doors as Holly and her new husband appeared. “There they are,” she said, as the couple made their way to the reception line.

  After saying their congratulations and goodbyes, the couple headed toward the door. At the exit, Holly turned back to glance over her shoulder. She winked, and a second later, the bouquet was sailing straight toward Becky. She caught it and lifted the beautiful flower arrangement to her nose.

  “Doesn’t that mean you’re next?” Neil whispered, his breath against her neck making her spine tingle.

  “You tell me.”

  * * *

  Removing his tuxedo jacket and rolling the sleeves of his shirt, Neil crooked a finger at Taylor as the band switched from a slow ballad to a hip-hop song.

  She shook her head. “I don’t dance.”

  “Oh, go ahead. I won’t tell any of the boys on the hockey team,” Becky encouraged, taking a seat and kicking off her heels.

  Moments ago, Neil had been holding her close, swaying on the dance floor, and he hadn’t wanted the song to end. So many years without her, he had a lot of time to make up for.

  “Come on,” he told Taylor.

  Taylor sighed, but took his hand as he led the way to an opening on the dance floor.

  “Just FYI, I can’t dance, either, so I’m probably going to embarrass the crap out of you.”

  She seemed to relax a little as she grinned. “Not if I embarrass you first.”

  “Hey, you two, can I grab a quick shot?” The wedding photographer asked, approaching with the camera. She’d already captured a picture of him and Becky moments before.

  “What do you say?” he asked Taylor.

  To his surprise, she leaned closer and he felt an answering tug in his chest. Becky’s daughter was amazing—funny, smart, athletic—and he hoped she continued to accept him into their lives. The last few weeks, preparing for the upcoming holiday season with her and Becky had made him realize how much he’d been missing. He didn’t intend to miss any of it again.

  Until he was deployed. The thought had been plaguing him these past weeks, the only thing putting a damper on the happiness he was experiencing. His heart fell as he forced a smile for the camera. Whenever the deployment date, it would be too soon. However long would be too long. Being away from them would be hard on him, and he knew it would be a challenge for Becky.

  His gaze met hers across the room and his mind filled with turmoil. He loved her. She loved him.

  But that hadn’t been enough before. Would it be enough now?

  Chapter 10

  As Becky closed Taylor’s bedroom door, Neil met her in the hallway with a glass of wine.

  She laughed. “I think I consumed a whole bottle at the wedding.” She rarely drank, so the Champagne and white wine that evening had her feeling more than a little tipsy.

  Tipsy, but also incredibly happy. The evening had gone better than she could have hoped.

  “Okay, I’ll drink it,” he said, taking a big gulp.

  Her smile faded slightly. He looked on edge about something. In fact, after his dance with Taylor, he’d been more quiet and reserved than he’d been all evening. The drive home had been silent, too, but she’d thought maybe he was just tired. “Are you okay?”

  He nodded.

  “Did you have fun tonight?”

  He nodded again and took another chug of the wine.

  She moved toward him and wrapped her arms around his neck. “You looked so hot, I couldn’t wait to get you home.” Standing on her tiptoes, she kissed him softly, but he took a step back, unwrapping her arms from around his neck.

  Her heart fell. There was definitely something wrong, something he wasn’t telling her. He never pulled away from her like this unless something was the matter. “Neil, what’s up?”

  He ran a hand through his hair and went into the kitchen.

  She followed. “What’s going on with you?”

  He set the wine glass on the counter and rested his hands against it. She saw his shoulders rise and fall and her stomach knotted.

  “Are you having second thoughts—about me? About us?” She felt seriously ill.

  He turned quickly. “No. Please don’t think that.” He took a step toward her but didn’t reach for her.

  That was reassuring.

  She folded her arms across her chest as she waited for him to speak. The silence dragging on was painful and had quite the sobering effect on her. “Say something, please.”

  He forced a breath. “How are you really feeling about my deployment?”

  He wanted to talk about this now? After the incredible night they had? “It will suck.” For lack of a better word.

  He put his hands on his hips and studied the floor. “But can you deal with it?”

  “If you mean, can I live with the fact that these tours are a part of your career, then I don’t have a choice, do I?” She didn’t like it, but she hadn’t liked Rob’s career putting him in danger, either. Over time, she’d learned to accept the way things were, and she knew Neil was worth making that effort for, too.

  “Yes, you do. You had a choice before, and you have one now,” he said, his cool voice making her shiver.

  Where was all of this coming from? Why now? “Look, you don’t even know when you have to leave again yet, so why don’t we cross that bridge when we get there?” She took a step toward him and reached for his hands, desperate to push the topic aside as long as possible.

  His fingers didn’t wrap around hers, and her pulse raced. “I need to know how you feel about all of this. I’m in love with you, Becky, and I want to know where we stand.”

  She thought she’d made it obvious. “I love you, too, Neil, and I want a future with you.” She paused. “But we just reconnected a few weeks ago, and I’m taking things day by day.”

  He stiffened. “Do you think that’s fair to Taylor?”

  She pulled her hands back and folded her arms across her chest. “What does that mean?”

  “She knows about the deployment. It obviously worries her, too.”

  Becky nodded. Her daughter was
getting close to Neil; of course she would be affected by his leaving. The thought had worried her as well, but she’d been ready to face the challenge as a team, determined to make things work. “We’ll figure it out. Together.”

  He hesitated. “You and Taylor have been through a lot…” He let out a deep, slow breath. “Maybe it’s too much to ask to put you both through a life of uncertainty again.”

  Her mouth went dry. “So, you’re having doubts about us.” Her knees felt unsteady and her palms sweaty. Where was the man desperate to prove that they deserved another chance?

  “Not us. Just me. Me and my ability to be everything you two need.”

  She could barely breathe. She’d been the one voicing those concerns for weeks, but her heart had changed and she was ready to try. Ready to put aside her fears and make a life with him. Now, he was pumping the brakes?

  “Neil, what are you saying?” She was terrified to hear the answer. Frozen in place, she swallowed the lump forming in her throat as one of the best nights of her life faded into the dark, cold of winter.

  “I’m saying that maybe you were right before. That there’s too much at stake for us to try again.”

  “But isn’t there a lot at stake if we don’t?” she whispered, feeling him slip away.

  * * *

  He hated seeing the look of hurt and disappointment on her face, knowing he was the cause. They’d had a fantastic evening, until he’d started to panic. Thoughts of his upcoming deployment and what that meant for them—the three of them—had darkened his mood until he felt himself withdrawing. He’d been sullen and quiet on the drive home, and he’d struggled in vain to push the nagging thoughts aside.

  She didn’t deserve this.

  “Becky, I meant everything I said—about wanting to be with you. About building a life and future with you and Taylor, but the more time I spend with you both, I…I’m terrified. Terrified about what happens when I leave.”

  “You need to trust in what we have,” she said, taking a step toward him. “Isn’t that what you told me?”

  He wanted to wrap his arms around her, forget this unsettling feeling in the pit of his stomach and move forward, but he was frozen in uncertainty, fueled by his love for her. What if once he left, she changed her mind? Realized she’d been right all along and the strain of his career on their relationship proved too much?

  Losing her once had been torture, walking away now would break him…but building a life with her, only to have it ripped away, would kill him.

  His mind and heart were a mess as he stared at the floor.

  “Neil, don’t say it’s over,” she pleaded.

  He couldn’t find the strength to say anything at all, so he walked toward her and placed a soft kiss on her forehead. Then he left the kitchen.

  Walking away once again with nothing but an aching heart.

  Chapter 11

  Sipping her coffee the next morning, Becky stared at the Christmas countdown calendar on the wall. The little moveable mouse had made his way to December 24. She’d barely slept the night before, the urge to call or text Neil overwhelming. But she had no idea where his heart was, and fear of finding out made her paralyzed with indecision.

  “Mom, I’m going to play hockey on the lake with Uncle Jackson, okay?” Taylor asked, appearing in the doorway to the kitchen, already in her hockey gear.

  Becky stood and refilled her coffee cup. No amount of caffeine would keep her exhausted eyes open today, but it was worth a shot. “Of course. Is he picking…” She stopped when Jackson appeared in the doorway behind her daughter.

  “Happy Christmas Eve,” he said with a grin, exactly like the one he wore when they were kids.

  His obvious holiday cheer both warmed her heart and crushed it a little more. A month ago, she’d been looking forward to the holiday with her family, and two weeks ago, the anticipation of the season had gotten even better with Neil a part of it. She’d been envisioning a romantic Christmas Eve curled up by the fire in front of the tree, carols playing on the radio…She sighed. “Hey, Jackson. Any Santa spotting on your way over?” she asked in an attempt to clear her mind.

  Focus on Christmas.

  Taylor rolled her eyes. “Mom, you know I’m getting too old for that stuff.”

  Jackson frowned. “Too old? Never.”

  Taylor laughed. “Whatever. Let’s go.”

  “Have fun. I’ll meet you guys at Grandma’s later this afternoon.” She forced excitement into her voice, but her brother studied her.

  “Taylor, why don’t you bring your gear out to the truck? I’ll be right there.”

  “Okay, but hurry. We don’t want the ice to be taken.”

  It was just after seven in the morning. Becky doubted any other family in Glenwood Falls was as crazy as hers to be going out to play hockey this early.

  When her daughter left, Jackson pulled out a chair and sat. “Spill it.”

  She shrugged. “What?’

  “Are you and Neil not okay? Did the wedding not go well?”

  She swallowed the hot coffee and shrugged. “Everything’s fine. I’m just not sure where things are headed.” She had been. So sure. Until he’d walked away last night.

  He was right to want to know where things stood between them, how she would deal with his upcoming deployment and his concern about her feelings and Taylor’s was admirable, but she felt as though he were pushing her for answers she really didn’t have. She couldn’t predict how things would go for them. All she knew was how she felt and how committed she was to making things work. Maybe that’s all he’d needed to hear the night before…Maybe if she hadn’t been caught off guard, and maybe if the walls hadn’t immediately sprung up around her heart—too late—she might have been able to reassure him.

  “So you’re still being stubborn?”

  She scowled. “I’m not being stubborn.”

  “So this is his fault? You’re saying I need to go kick some ass?”

  “It’s just complicated, okay?” Her confirmed bachelor brother was not someone she could exactly go to for advice on matters of the heart. She just wanted to get through the day without tears and talking about it wasn’t helping.

  “Well, is he coming to Christmas Eve dinner at Mom’s?”

  “No.”

  “Because you’re being stubborn.”

  She clenched her jaw. “When are you going to bring someone to Christmas Eve dinner?”

  “Once I find the woman of my dreams.”

  “You mean…”

  He stood quickly. “I have to go. Quit being a jerk and go get what you want for Christmas, because what I got you certainly isn’t on your wish list.”

  “I wish it were that simple.”

  The sound of Jackson’s truck horn sounded in the driveway. “Listen, all I know is that I haven’t seen you this happy since Rob died. I think you need to put your pride aside and talk to Neil. Do whatever it takes to make this work.”

  He sounded as though he knew a little something about regret.

  He kissed the top of her head as he passed her. “See you tonight. Bring Neil.”

  * * *

  He felt like shit.

  Stomping the snow from his boots, Neil entered the military base offices. It was like a ghost town inside—all of the officers having left early to spend Christmas Eve with their families.

  Over the years, he’d always worked the two days away, ignoring the festivities as much as possible. Sometimes heading to a Christmas Day dinner at one of his co-worker’s homes, but mostly just counting the seconds until the holiday was over.

  This year had been so different. For the first time in years, he’d been excited about the season.

  And he’d fucked it up.

  His cell phone chimed with a new text message.

  Jackson.

  The invite to Christmas Eve dinner still stands.

  Obviously, he’d spoken to Becky. He tossed the phone between his hands. Could he actually go? Could he possibly make t
hings right in time to spend the holidays with her? He released a breath, remembering the look of disappointment on her face when he’d walked away the night before.

  The truth was, he was freaking out. His love for her was so strong, she had him questioning his career and his future in the military. Years before, he’d felt so strongly that joining the Air Force was the right thing, and being buried in the work had helped numb the sadness and longing in his heart for her. Now, he wasn’t so sure.

  Forced to choose between his career and a life with her and Taylor, he didn’t know if he could make the same decision this time. Though he had no idea what else he would do with his life, the military being the only thing he’d ever really known.

  But Becky wasn’t asking him to choose. At least not yet.

  He’d been a fool to ruin the evening the night before with his own insecurity and uncertainty. But he’d been honest with her: He was terrified of leaving again. Terrified that like before she’d have time to reconsider while he was away, change her mind about him. Realize once again why she couldn’t dedicate her life to him.

  She doesn’t want me there, he texted back.

  Jackson’s reply was immediate. If that’s enough to stop you, then you’ve definitely failed the test.

  He sighed, knowing it was true.

  “Lieutenant Colonel Healy, surprised to see you in here today,” General Master Gabe said as he passed his office.

  His commanding officer was not in uniform, and he carried a stack of wrapped presents.

  “Thought I’d finish up that mountain of paperwork on my desk, sir.”

  The older man grinned. “I spoke to some higher-ups, and we’re lifting your flight suspension. Merry Christmas.”

  Relief flowed through him. Thank God. He couldn’t wait to get back up in the air. “Thank you, sir.”

  “Anyway, I have to go. Just stopped by to get the gifts I hid in my office. Have a great Christmas. Don’t work too late. The paperwork isn’t going anywhere,” he said.

  Neil nodded. The problem was he had nowhere else to be. “You too, sir.”

  “Oh, and you’ll find new deployment paperwork on your desk as well.”