by Rebecca Lang
‘Darling…love,’ he said. His arms wrapped round her, holding her to him.
With her eyes closed, she gave herself up to him.
CHAPTER EIGHT
THAT WAS HOW it started, how Deirdre became Shay’s lover, entering a new stage in her life.
Later that day, after they had both slept, he returned to work and she went home to her parents’ house and prepared supper for Mungo and Fleur, inviting Fiona to have the meal with them, too.
‘I want to catch up on news,’ she said to Fiona on the telephone. ‘I feel I haven’t seen you all for ages, although it’s not really long. It’s strange, working through the night again.’
‘I’ll be there,’ Fiona said. ‘I spoke to my lawyer again today about giving you custody of the children, and he said again it would be better if you were married, and I told him that by the time I die you probably will be married, as I don’t intend to die just yet.’ Fiona laughed. ‘Although I know one of the poets said that man proposes, God disposes.’
‘That’s often the case,’ Deirdre agreed, feeling a familiar stab of anxiety about what would happen to the children if she did not get custody and Fiona became ill with a chronic illness. She would force herself to look on the bright side and hope for the best, as her mother would say. Somehow she wasn’t always very good at doing that. Perhaps she was too much of a realist.
‘The lawyer is also concerned that the man you marry might not want the children,’ Fiona went on. ‘Is there anyone, Deirdre, whom you want to marry? Someone you haven’t told me about?’
‘Well,’ she began, blushing deeply, glad that Fiona could not see her, ‘there is a doctor at the hospital—the kids have met him—whom I really like. He’s divorced and, unfortunately, marriage isn’t a top priority for him. He’s told me that he doesn’t trust love. Those were his words.’
‘Well, dear, you will have to show him otherwise,’ Fiona said, as though it were the easiest thing in the world. ‘When can I meet this man? I might be able to drop a few very subtle hints.’
‘We could all have dinner together soon,’ Deirdre said. ‘But, please, don’t drop any hints, because they might backfire. He has a son, about the age of Mungo, give or take a few months. He’s a good father, from what I’ve seen, and he’s good with Mungo and Fleur.’
‘He’s the one you spent Boxing Day with? I remember now.’
‘Yes, that’s right.’
‘Better and better,’ Fiona said.
‘Please, don’t…er…’
‘Put my foot in it? I know, dear,’ Fiona said. ‘I can be very tactful and subtle when I have to be, don’t you worry. See you this evening.’
After her conversation with Fiona, Deirdre called Mungo and told him of their plans. He always switched on his mobile phone between classes. That night she would have supper at home and sleep in her own bed, and they would be in the house with her. ‘I’ll pick you up from school,’ she told Mungo. ‘Usual place.’
‘OK,’ Mungo said. ‘We’ve missed you, Dee.’
‘I’ve missed you, too.’
Today she felt different. This was the first day of her life after becoming Shay’s lover. Unreservedly, it was the best thing that had ever happened to her and she could not get him out of her mind. Already they were planning when they could be together again. Every moment she longed for his company. Being in love was an obsession. What they had shared was a passion that had increased her love to such a point that she felt she could not live without him. Indeed, it was a kind of madness and she knew that she must try to put it into perspective. Maybe this was the very thing that he did not trust. For that reason, she was not about to tell him how she felt.
At the moment she was superbly happy, obsessed by him. ‘I’d be lying if I said I could offer you a future,’ he had said. It was necessary for her to keep that in mind, as well as to remind herself that it had not been very long ago that she had sat on a bus, overcome by depression. That brought the feeling that she must not run before she could walk, yet the desire to be with Shay was overwhelming her.
It would be good to have a family dinner with the kids and Fiona. She went into the kitchen to get ready for it. Tonight she was off duty and someone else would do the night shift to replace the sick nurses, then, if she was still needed, she would work on Wednesday night. The head nurse would call her in plenty of time, so that she could plan her life.
Fiona arrived not long after Deirdre had brought the children home from school.
‘I want to help you prepare the food, dear,’ she said. ‘And I want to hear all about your job.’
‘All right,’ Deirdre said, preceding her into the kitchen. ‘I’ve done most of the preparation, but you can help me serve.’
After the main course, when they were on dessert—a chocolate cake that she had made herself—the doorbell rang.
‘Shall I go?’ Mungo offered, rising to his feet. ‘I’m good at getting rid of canvassers and people trying to sell things. I tell them that my parents are out and I don’t have any money.’
‘All right,’ Deirdre said.
Moments later they heard conversation and laughter coming from the front hall. ‘Hey, guess what?’ Mungo said, coming back into the dining room, grinning from ear to ear. ‘It’s Dr Melburne and Mark. They were just passing and thought they would say hello. Shall I invite them in for dessert, Dee? There’s lots of chocolate cake left.’
Deirdre rose to her feet, momentarily flustered. ‘Yes…’ she said. ‘Yes.’
‘Oh, that’s great!’ Fleur chipped in. ‘I’ll get some extra plates. And shall I put the kettle on for coffee?’
‘Yes,’ Deirdre said, bemused and somewhat agitated. ‘Bring in the cups and saucers, Fleur, please.’
Fiona rose to her feet as well, giving Deirdre a meaningful look. ‘Is this the one?’ She mouthed the words in an exaggerated fashion, so that Deirdre felt a desire to laugh as happiness swamped her again.
‘Mmm,’ she said.
Fiona appeared to gird herself up mentally, and Deirdre wanted to laugh hysterically because Fiona looked deceptively fragile, with her white hair, blue eyes and skin like old apples. Dressed elegantly in a long wool skirt and a cashmere sweater in a light lavender colour, with a string of pearls around her neck, she looked every inch a grand old lady, her fingers laden with precious rings—her weakness. ‘Well, I’m so lucky to get to meet him so soon,’ she whispered. ‘I’ll see what I can do.’
‘Oh, no, don’t—’ Deirdre began, then was silenced by the appearance of Shay and Mark at the door of the dining room, being ushered in by the delighted Mungo. Mark was also grinning, so that Deirdre wondered if he had instigated the visit rather than his father. No matter, it was wonderful to see them.
‘Come in,’ she said. ‘Have some cake and coffee with us. It’s good to see you.’
‘Thank you,’ Shay said. ‘I hope we’re not intruding. This was Mark’s idea.’
‘No, you’re not intruding,’ she said, flushing, wondering if there were vibes from her so that the others could tell how she felt about Shay. ‘Shay and Mark, this is Fiona McGregor, my employer and the children’s grandmother.’
There were smiles and handshakes.
Fleur came in with some cups on a tray, wobbling it slightly. ‘Hi, Mark,’ she said. ‘Great to see you. Come and have some chocolate cake.’
Fiona went to the kitchen to make coffee while the others sat down at the table. Soon the children were talking about what they were doing at school. Shay smiled at Deirdre, a look that made her heart feel as though it were turning over.
‘And where did you meet Deirdre?’ Fiona said innocently to Shay, when she was back at the table with a silver coffee-pot full of hot coffee that gave off a very appetizing aroma. Presiding over the table, she poured the liquid into cups.
‘That’s a long and complicated story,’ Shay said, and then Deirdre knew that he could keep a confidence and had no intention of divulging anything to Fiona, as obviously she,
Deirdre, would have told her herself by now. That seemed to be his reasoning, Deirdre thought.
‘We met at the Stanton Memorial Hospital,’ Deirdre said, which was true after all.
‘That’s rather mundane,’ Fiona said airily, ‘but it means that you have a shared interest. Coffee, Dr…er…Melburne?’
‘Yes, please. And call me Shay, please.’
‘That’s an unusual Gaelic name,’ Fiona said. ‘It goes well with Deirdre and Fiona.’
‘Fiona…“fair one”,’ Shay said.
‘Appropriate once upon a time,’ Fiona said, and Deirdre could see that she was charmed by Shay, while making an effort to be sharp, to suss him out.
‘You must be curious to know all about me,’ he said, disarming Fiona right away.
‘Well…’ Fiona said, laughing, ‘Deirdre is like a daughter to me, as well as a very valuable employee and mother to my grandchildren, so I like to know who has an interest in her, you might say—just in case someone was planning to take her away from me, or something like that.’
Deirdre felt her face turn hot and she wondered if she could make an excuse to leave the table for a few minutes. The three children were sitting at one end of the table, their heads together, spooning forkfuls of cake into their mouths while talking at the same time.
‘More cake?’ she said to Shay.
‘I haven’t had any yet,’ he said. ‘I will have some.’
She half rose and cut him a generous slice, taking her time to put it on a plate.
‘You are right to be anxious,’ Shay said slowly to Fiona, fixing her with a speculative stare. ‘She is a very lovely and unusual young woman. She’s just waiting to be plucked, you might say.’
Mungo and Fleur, who had been pretending not to be listening, turned to stare at Shay, their eyes going to Deirdre and Fiona as well.
‘It’s all right,’ Deirdre said to them, laughing, while her face felt hotter, ‘I’m not about to be plucked like a ripe plum off a tree. More cake, kids?’
‘Yes, please,’ Mark said, tactfully rescuing her. ‘Could we take it into the sitting room, Deirdre?’
‘Sure,’ she said.
‘What’s this about plucking?’ Fiona said when they had gone, getting straight to the point.
‘Just a manner of speaking,’ Shay said smoothly. ‘One day she will be gone. It’s human nature.’ He was smiling, and they smiled back.
Deirdre could see that it took Fiona a great effort not to ask him point-blank if he was intending that himself. Instead, she reached forward and replenished his coffee.
‘Thanks. I’m an average sort of guy,’ he said to Fiona, ‘with no very obvious vices, except the one of working too much, although I’m better where that’s concerned than I used to be.’
‘Why?’ Fiona said.
‘Divorce,’ he said.
‘Oh. That’s a good reason to change. Although it is rather too late.’
When Fiona went out to get more coffee and the two of them were alone, there was a tension between them that was almost tangible, and when Shay put his hand over hers as it rested on the tablecloth, she felt his touch suffuse her with an unbearable longing. The warmth of his hand tingled through her. ‘Could I come back later,’ he said quietly, ‘to be with you for a while? I want to be with you so much. Is that possible? After the kids have gone to bed? For an hour or two.’
‘All right,’ she said, nodding.
‘I’ll call you on your mobile,’ he said quickly. ‘I have someone sleeping over at my apartment with Mark, so he won’t be alone.’ He squeezed her hand, then let it go, just as they heard Fiona coming back. ‘I’m burning up, wanting to be with you.’
‘Excuse me.’ Deirdre left the room then, going to the bathroom to splash cold water on her face and to wash her hands, which she saw were trembling. Already she was in a situation where she could not resist him, where she longed for him constantly. The thought of being with him later, in her own small bed in her own room, filled her with agitated anticipation, so that she hardly knew what to do with herself. Absently she raked a brush though her hair and stared at herself in the bathroom mirror, at her eyes that were wide and expectant, nervous and soft with the love she felt for him. Maybe it was obvious to others as well.
When she had calmed down she went back into the dining room and found Fiona and Shay in conversation about Scottish poetry. Fiona had been a teacher of English literature during her working life.
Shay stood up. ‘We must go,’ he said. ‘Thank you again for your hospitality.’
There were handshakes all around again at the front door as they departed.
‘He’s really lovely,’ Fiona said thoughtfully a few minutes later when she helped Deirdre clear up and stack crockery in the dish washer. ‘His ex-wife lost a good man there.’
‘She used to call him the twenty-four-seven man, so he told me, because he worked such long hours,’ Deirdre said.
‘I can imagine it,’ Fiona said. ‘It’s not easy to live with, but unfortunately that’s what you get when you marry a doctor. They have to put some perspective in their lives, otherwise the job takes over. Hang onto him, if you can. I got the impression that he’s besotted with you.’
Deirdre laughed. ‘Oh, go on!’ she said.
‘I’m serious.’
‘I wish you were right,’ she said wistfully.
‘I think I am right.’
‘He doesn’t tell me that,’ Deirdre said pointedly. She knew that he wanted to sleep with her, but there might not be anything else to it.
‘Do you love him?’ Fiona asked.
‘Oh, yes. Madly. I’m frightened of getting hurt, but I think I’m more frightened of not allowing myself to be in a position to get hurt.’
‘You mean you’re going to jump in at the deep end where he’s concerned?’ Fiona said.
‘Yes, that’s just it,’ Deirdre said.
‘Good for you. And good luck to you.’
* * *
Deirdre thought of Fiona’s words when she quietly opened the door to Shay at half past ten, when the house was quiet, the children asleep and the cat curled up in her basket in the kitchen.
He took her in his arms and kissed her as soon as the door was closed, then she took his hand and led him to her room, which was on the ground floor, away from the other two bedrooms. Very quietly she closed the door of her room until the latch clicked into place and then she turned the key in the lock.
‘God, I want you.’ Shay breathed the words in her ear as he held her tautly against him. He kissed her forehead, her cheeks, her closed eyelids, then her mouth, as his hands slid down over her hips, pulling her against him.
She had had a bath and washed her hair, and the delicate scent of her perfume filled the small space of her room as he slipped her dressing-gown off her shoulders so that it fell to the floor with a soft sound like a sigh. Only the thin silk of her nightdress separated her skin from the touch of his hands, and she took in a sharp breath as he smoothed his hands over her breasts, the touch making her weak with longing.
They did not want to talk much, so as not to wake Mungo and Fleur. Silently he lifted the nightdress over her head and then buried his face in the curve of her neck, holding her naked body against him. He was shaking, she could feel it, and she felt humble, aware of an answering trembling within herself, of anticipation. Quickly he undressed beside her. When they came together, skin against skin, she let out a small moan of longing. ‘Shay, Shay…I’m so glad you came back,’ she whispered.
‘So am I,’ he said.
They lay on the bed, where she had folded back the covers to expose the cool linen sheets.
As before, he took care that she would not become pregnant, which was just as well as she did not take the contraceptive pill. Urgently they came together and she welcomed his weight on her. ‘I can’t get enough of you,’ he said. ‘I can’t get you out of my mind.’
Blissfully happy, she gave herself up to him. When the swell of passion
was over, they lay satiated in each other’s arms, side by side.
‘I love you, Shay,’ she said softly, unable to constrain herself. ‘I love you so much.’
For a few moments he did not say anything, then he said soberly, ‘That’s a pity. I wish you wouldn’t.’
‘Why?’ she said, a shadow coming over her happiness, a foreboding.
‘Because I can’t promise you anything,’ he said, as he stroked her hair and explored the contours of her face with his fingers in the darkness of the room as she lay warmly against him. She could not see his expression, could only sense a tension in him. ‘As you know, my reputation for permanence is not good.’
‘I wouldn’t say that. Anyway, I’m not asking for anything permanent. I’m not asking for anything except to be with you once in a while,’ she said, searching for the words with which to explain herself adequately. ‘You don’t have to promise me anything.’
‘You’re very sweet,’ he murmured softly, his lips against her ear, sending tremors of awareness through her.
‘Am I? I can’t help loving you,’ she said. ‘Just accept it as a fact, Shay. You don’t have to do anything about it. I…just want you to know. Did you think I could make love to you like this without being in love with you? If you think that, you don’t know much about women.’ As she lay there beside him, in the warmth of his arms, she felt that he was slipping away from her, at the same time that she basked in the afterglow of their love-making. ‘At least,’ she added thoughtfully, ‘not the average, everyday sort of woman, who is not trying to trade herself off for something. There are those women, I admit. I’ve known some of them. I’m an average, everyday woman, someone who can be hurt. I… don’t think I’m capable of trading myself. So…you see…you don’t have to think of it as some sort of transaction. I shall remain an independent being and think for myself. I trust what I feel, Shay, even if you don’t trust what you feel.’