by Annie Murray
Norm turned. ‘There’s no need.’ He held his arms out. ‘Oh God, love – just come here, will you?’
Moved by the longing in his eyes, she went to him and, ravenously, he began to make love to her, urgently tugging at the buttons of her frock as they sank to the floor by the fire.
‘You’ll tear it – let me do it!’ she laughed, taking his hands to restrain him.
He needed her so badly that he could hardly contain himself until he was inside her, and she held him, finding her own pleasure reawakening and bursting in on her too, so that they were both gasping, trying not to make too much noise. As they calmed, she held him, kissing him tenderly, feeling how much broader and more substantial he was than the gawky boy to whom she had waved goodbye.
‘My man,’ she whispered into his neck. ‘Oh, Norm, you’re here – you’re really here.’
He raised his head and looked down at her, eyes full of love. ‘And you’re my girl. My wife.’ Emotionally he added, ‘You’re so lovely, Em. I told them all out there, showed them your picture – my girl, I said, she’s the best. I can’t believe I’m back here with you.’
They lay with him inside her for a long while, close in each other’s warmth, as if they couldn’t bear to come apart. There had been too much being apart. But once they separated, they snuggled up side by side by the last flickers of the fire, pulling the old rug over them and sharing the pillow. Em rested her head on Norm’s chest, her hand stroking his taut belly.
And now it was easier to talk, as if they had more fully come home to each other. In low voices they told each other something of the past years. Norm talked about his squadron, about the terror of flying at night, how one of his mates, Rodney Mapple, had come down over the Med, never to be seen again. But he also told her about the good times, the jokes and pranks, and that somehow, poor and war-torn though it was, he had liked Italy.
‘There were some nice people,’ he said. ‘We’d give ’em food or fags or whatever we could, when we could. And they’d ply us with the old vino, teach us how to say things like buongiorno and grazie. Some of the lads got quite good at it – much better than me. I wouldn’t mind going back some time – seeing it when there’s no war on.’
Em told him about the family, about how Molly had gone off and joined the army and seemed to be thriving.
‘Molly Fox?’ Norm said, surprised. ‘Blimey – I wouldn’t’ve thought she’d’ve lasted five minutes in the army, the state of her. Mind you, they’ve probably seen worse. Maybe it was good for her. I’ve seen quite a few lads licked into shape.’
‘She’s in Clacton now,’ Em said. ‘I had a postcard.’
Mostly, though, she told him about Robbie, about his birth and little stories about him. She knew she’d written some of them to Norm before, but he still liked to hear them. It was a way of getting to know his son, as a baby and as a growing boy.
‘Sometime back – in the spring, I think it was – Mr Perry had the first lot of bananas in that we’d seen in years. Course Robbie had never seen one before, so I brought one home to give him. And I said, “D’you know what this is?” It was a bit green, mind. And he looked at me and said, “Is it a gun?”’ They both laughed.
‘One of them dirty Jerry tricks,’ Norm chuckled. ‘Guns disguised as bananas!’ He turned and kissed Em yet again. ‘Oh, I can’t wait to see him in the morning!’
It was well into the small hours when they finally slept, but what felt like only seconds later, Em was wakened by the sound of Robbie crying upstairs. It took her a few seconds to work out where she was. The sound didn’t seem to have wakened Norm and she sat up, gently moving his arm away from her, and went up to her little boy. He had woken to find the bed empty when she had always been there before.
‘It’s all right, pet . . .’ She sat and cuddled him until he calmed. ‘Mom’s here, ssshhh – you go back to sleep now, darlin’.’
But he wouldn’t settle again without her getting in and holding him, and Em, though longing to go back downstairs to Norm, climbed into bed and lay down with Robbie, holding him close. She had pinched the pillow to take downstairs, so it was not very comfortable, but despite that she found herself falling asleep beside her son’s warm body, leaving her husband on the floor downstairs.
She only woke a few hours later, to find Norm perched on the edge of the bed looking down at them both. Once again she was struck by the tanned, healthy look of his face.
‘So that’s where you got to!’ he said.
‘Sorry.’ Em sat up immediately to give him a hug. ‘It’s just he’s got used to me being in the bed with him. I’m glad he didn’t wake you.’
‘Oh, I was that tired I could’ve slept anywhere,’ Norm said.
He was looking hungrily at his son, whose dark-lashed eyes were just beginning to flicker open. Robbie looked around, dazed, then sat up.
‘Robbie,’ Em said gently. ‘D’you know who this is? This is your daddy.’
Robbie, only half awake, stared at Norm in a dazed way. Norm reached out as if to pick him up, saying, ‘Hello, son.’
But Robbie pulled away, his face creasing, and flung himself against Em, bursting into tears. He hid his face against his mother’s body.
‘Oh dear!’ Em said. ‘I’m sorry, love – maybe this wasn’t the best moment. He’s not even awake yet, and he is sometimes a bit grumpy in the mornings.’ She saw how hurt Norm looked. ‘He’ll be all right when he’s had a bite to eat, love – just give him a bit of time.’
She coaxed Robbie through his breakfast.
‘He’s not sure about Norm,’ Em whispered to Cynthia. She couldn’t help feeling upset, even though she could see that it was all a big shock for the little boy.
‘That’s your dad,’ Cynthia told Robbie, going to him and stroking his hair. Norm was sitting at the table with him, watching him eat. ‘Don’t you want to say hello to your dad?’
Robbie pursed his lips and gave a firm shake of the head.
‘Leave him for now, Mom,’ Em pleaded. ‘Just let him eat.’
When he had had his bread and milk and seemed a bit more awake, she took his hand and said, ‘Would you like to say hello to your dad now?’
Round-eyed, he allowed her to lead him from his place at the table around to where Norm was sitting.
Norm played it gently. ‘Hello,’ he said again. He held out his hand. ‘I’m Norm. I’m your dad.’
Robbie stared, then slowly held out his hand and took Norm’s.
By that evening news of Norm’s arrival had got around and seemed reason for a party. He had been to see his mom and dad, who were all for Norm, Em and Robbie moving in with them, and Em could see that in the end they would have to, though she knew it was going to be a wrench. In the meantime, they spent the evening celebrating with the family – Norm’s parents and Dot and Lou Alberello, old friends of the family. Dot and Cynthia had been neighbours when their children were young and Dot had been a staunch friend, someone whom Em, as well as her mom, had always been able to turn to.
They brought in beer from the Outdoor down the road and sat drinking and celebrating until Robbie’s head was nodding and Em said, ‘I’ll just take him up to bed.’ She scooped him up and laid him on the bed upstairs, but as he lay down his eyes opened again.
‘No, Mom – don’t go . . .’
‘Oh, Robbie.’ This time Em felt exasperated. She knew she’d always given in to Robbie before, and that it had not been an easy day for him, but she still wanted to get back to the company downstairs. ‘All right – shove up a bit then. Just for a few minutes.’
It took some time before he had fully gone off again, and by the time she got back downstairs she was half asleep herself, and Dot and Lou had got up and were preparing to go.
‘Lovely to see yer, bab,’ Dot said, picking up her bag. She was looking quite smart these days, Em noticed, and had filled out. Dot, tall and dark, had always been a thin, rangy woman, but now she looked quite curvaceous. Em was glad to see her so happy.
‘How’s little’un taking to Norm coming home?’ Dot asked.
Em pulled the corners of her mouth down. ‘Not too well yet. He won’t really go near him.’
Dot put her hand on Em’s arm. ‘Give him time, love – it’s bound to be a bit strange for him.’
Up in the bedroom, Norm and Em debated in whispers what they were going to do. The bed was narrow enough, without three of them trying to sleep on it.
‘Can’t we move him onto the floor?’ Norm asked.
Em felt a pang go through her, the pain of having to be separated from her son, whom she had shared a bed with ever since he was born. But she knew Norm was right.
‘I’ll put the spare blanket down,’ she said. ‘We can make a little bed for him.’
She folded the blanket to make a mattress for Robbie on the bare boards. They gave him a pillow and Norm went to fetch his coat. Then very carefully they moved Robbie onto his new bed. It seemed like a miracle that he didn’t wake.
It seemed cosy, all of them in the same room. Em and Norm got into bed and lay crushed close together. Very quietly they managed to make love, wincing every time the springs squeaked.
‘When we get to Mom’s we’ll have a proper bed,’ Norm said happily.
Em felt another plunge of dread. ‘That’ll be nice,’ she managed to say.
They slept, slotted together spoon-like, Em facing the wall, with Norm curled protectively around her.
She woke to a yelp of pain from Norm. It was already light. Turning her head, she could see a shoe banging up and down against Norm’s head.
‘Ow! For Christ’s sake – what’re you doing! Stop it!’
Robbie was whacking Norm with a hard, determined face.
‘Don’t like you!’ he shouted. ‘Don’t like you. Go away – you go away again and don’t come back!’
Twenty-Nine
‘Don’t say I didn’t warn you’ Cynthia shouted, over Robbie’s hysterical screaming. ‘You’ve made a rod to beat yourself with, that you have.’
Em was standing over her son, trying to persuade him to eat his breakfast.
‘Come on now, pet. You know Mommy’s got to go to work – and you’ll be here with Nanna, just like you always are. Now just calm down . . .’
Her quiet pleading suddenly cracked open and she snatched him up frantically from his chair, holding him in her arms and shouting into his tear-stained face, ‘Just stop it, Robbie! Stop this shrieking. You’ve got to eat your breakfast and behave yourself – I can’t stand any more of it!’
And then it was her turn to cry, all the strain and tension of the past week since Norm had come home pouring out.
‘Oh, Mom – what’m I going to do? He’s like a different child since his dad came back. I can’t stand to see him like this!’
Robbie, seeing his mother’s tears, cried even more.
‘Oh now, stop that, the pair of you. Come ’ere Robbie.’ Cynthia, still in her pale-blue nightdress with a cardie over the top, came and took her distressed grandson from his mother. ‘Look, I said this would happen, didn’t I?’ she grumbled, her own nerves on edge with all the screaming. ‘You’ve given in to him all the way along the line, sleeping with him, letting him have it all his way, as if the world revolved round him . . .’ Realizing that this lecture was not helping especially, she buttoned her lip.
‘Look, bab,’ she added more gently, stroking Robbie’s quivering back as he clung to her. ‘You get off to work. We’ll be all right. He’ll calm down once you’re gone.’
‘Mom, MOM!’ Robbie started to scream again at the top of his voice, kicking and struggling.
‘Robbie,’ Cynthia cried firmly. ‘Just stop that – now! D’you hear? Go on, Em, for heaven’s sake.’
Em, still crying, left the house, with obvious reluctance. Cynthia stood watching, jiggling her grandson on her hip. Now that Em had gone, he quietened gradually and she sat him down at the table again.
‘There you are, you silly thing. What was all that for, eh? Your mom’s just gone to work, that’s all. She’ll be back. Now you eat up – there’s a good boy. What a kerfuffle!’
Cynthia’s words rode on the back of a sigh. She began to clear the breakfast things away. Some days it felt as if the end of the war had made things more difficult instead of less. All that hope and expectation they’d had: that the war would make everything better, everyone trying so hard and doing without, in the grand cause of beating Hitler. And now look at us! she thought, going into the scullery to fill the kettle for washing-up water. We’re all crammed into this house, there’s even less to eat than before and no end of it in sight. What was the carrot now, to keep them all going?
Within days, Em and Norm were due to move in with Norm’s mom and dad, Edna and Bill Stapleton, though Cynthia would still be looking after Robbie on the days when Em worked. Though Cynthia dreaded them going, and the wrench of not having her grandson living there any more, at moments like this she felt the day could not come too soon.
Em wiped her eyes, hurrying along the road to Mr Perry’s grocer’s shop, where she had worked through the war. Mr Perry was a widower and his one son was still serving out east, so her nice little job had just carried on.
She felt like sobbing her heart out, but didn’t want to be seen crying out in the street, so she swallowed her emotions. But oh, how sad and upset she felt. For the past three years and more, since she had had Robbie, he had been her closest relationship, the love of her life. She had invested everything in him, all her affection and energy, telling herself that she had to be both a mom and dad to him until Norm came back – if he did. There was always that terrible thought. She had let Robbie share her bed, needing the feel of his warm little body beside her as much as he needed her for reassurance. The thought of moving him out into a cold, lonely little bed of his own was unbearable to her. Nor could she bear his tears if he was upset. The sound of his distress cut right through her and she would do almost anything to mollify him. She knew Cynthia was right: she had warned Em and told her that she was spoiling him. But without Norm home, there didn’t seem to be any point in doing anything else. She’d do all that in due course.
Norm had been patient at first. ‘It’s bound to be hard for the lad,’ he said, when Robbie screamed when he came near and tried to hold the door shut, so that Norm couldn’t come into the bedroom. ‘I mean, to him I’m a stranger. He’s got to get to know me.’
Em could see that he was hurt, but was trying to make the best of it. At first, torn in half by the needs of her son and husband, she suggested that Robbie sleep in the bed with both of them. But the bed was only a single one, so she and Norm were cramped enough as it was. And Robbie wouldn’t let Norm get into bed anyway. He would start up as soon as Norm appeared and would kick and scream. Norm tried hard, speaking nicely to him to try and calm him down, but it didn’t make any difference. On the third night, Norm stormed out.
‘For Christ’s sake, get that child in order. What a welcome – in my own home! How’s anyone supposed to get any sleep with all that going on?’
And Em was left to get into bed with Robbie and soothe him, until at least they could move him into the little makeshift bed on the floor. It took a long time some nights, as Robbie would not settle and go to sleep. Em was up and down the stairs while the others sat together down there.
‘Just give him a bit longer,’ she kept saying, her own nerves in shreds, seeing Norm’s disapproving expression and with the memory of Robbie’s tearful, betrayed-looking face.
At last, they’d be able to creep into bed, terrified of waking him.
Norm, who was looking forward to good times with his wife and had not grown used to life with a child in any form, kept suggesting they go out.
‘We could go out for a dance,’ he’d say. Or another night, ‘Come on – let’s go to the pictures tonight.’
Neither time had they made it, because Em didn’t feel she could leave until Robbie was settled, and it all took so long
that it was too late by then.
‘I’m sorry, Norm,’ she’d whispered the night before, when they were finally curled up in bed together. ‘I know it’s not how things should be. Just give us a bit of time.’
‘Don’t worry, love.’ Norm cuddled her, but she heard his stifled sigh. ‘There’s no rush. We’ve got our lives in front of us, haven’t we? Anyroad, when we get to my mom and dad’s he can have a proper bed of his own. It’ll all be different, you’ll see.’
Em’s heart shrivelled at this. She was dreading moving out to the Stapletons’, even though she quite liked Norm’s mom and dad. But Em, who struggled with any kind of change, had got very settled in her routines in her own family’s house over the past years, with her mom always there. She knew it would upset Robbie too, and she was chilled by the way Norm spoke about moving over there, as if that would put him in charge of everything. There was an ‘and then we’ll see an end to all this nonsense’ tone to his voice.
Reaching Mr Perry’s, she tried to put these gloomy thoughts of out her mind. It was early days. Things weren’t easy for anyone. There were rumours about some of the other men who’d come home, the state some of them were in, and she counted herself lucky in that. Their first week together had contained extremes of great anger and frustration, but also great tenderness between them.
I must look on the bright side, she thought.
‘Morning, Mr Perry!’ she called out cheerfully, finding him outside, still setting up. The summer veg were coming in now, so the place was not so bare.
‘Morning, bab!’ Mr Perry touched an imaginary hat. ‘’Nother fine one!’ She expected him to add, ‘And you’re a sight for sore eyes.’ But just for once, he didn’t.
There was so much to have to get used to that week. Em could see that Norm was restless, having to adapt to civilian life, to rationing and shortages and restrictions. Norm kept a lot of his feelings to himself, but she noticed changes both in him and in herself that they were having to get used to.