by Baer, Judy
He was talking about me…us! My heart should have, by rights, exploded in my chest, the way it was feeling. Us!
I opened my mouth to respond but at that moment someone rang the huge gong that sat in the foyer of the Oasis and the sound hung, shivering, in the air.
“The staff of the Oasis would like to thank you all for coming tonight, and before our party ends, we would like to present the winner of the Qualities of an Ideal Man contest with her prize. Ms. Samantha Smith, will you please come forward?”
Jared whooped and the others clapped as I slunk forward to pick up my prize. Then I straightened my shoulders and threw back my head. What was I embarrassed about? Not only could I describe a romantic man, I had one! Next time I came to the spa to use my gift certificate, I’d bring Molly with me—out of gratitude for forcing me to see exactly who and what her brother really is.
We strolled through the grounds holding hands and saying very little. I had neither the urge nor desire to break the comfortable silence between us. Jared, it seemed, didn’t, either. Finally we settled on a wrought iron settee on the patio. The grounds grew quiet as the guests returned to their rooms for the night.
The moon hung like an opalescent disk, a brooch on navy velvet with a scattering of diamonds sparkling around it in the sky.
“What a night.” He said it as if expecting no answer.
“A jewel of a night.” In more ways than one!
“A marvel, certainly.”
“Do you believe in miracles, Jared?”
He was silent a long time. “I’ve never really thought about miracles much,” he said honestly, “although they happen every day—medicine, science, babies being born, children growing into adulthood. Those are the kinds of miracles I think about, believe in.”
“What do you believe, Jared?” The question slid through my lips as if of its own volition. I needed to know. Of all the things about this man I did and didn’t know, this was the most important.
“About what?”
“About God. About Jesus. About faith.”
He studied me intently and the silence between us grew. It wasn’t an uncomfortable space but a considered one. I felt grateful that I had no desire to fill in the space with nervous chatter.
When he spoke his voice was soft and thoughtful. “Frankly? I spent much of my life as a Revelations 3:15 Christian.”
Revelations 3:15? He took my surprised silence as a signal to continue. “‘I know your works: you are neither hot nor cold. Would it be that you were cold or hot!’”
He shifted in his seat, stretching his long legs and making himself more comfortable. “I spent a lot of my life being lukewarm about Christianity, Sammi. Church was pleasant and familiar, I knew the ropes, the songs, the jargon. I wasn’t cold to it, I didn’t want it out of my life. In fact, I took comfort in the security of it. I just wasn’t ‘hot’ about it, either. On a scale from one to ten, I hovered between four and six.”
He looked at me with a gentle, self-revealing expression that made me feel as though I could read his soul.
“Do you have a gas or electric stove at your house, Sammi?”
Taken aback, I mumbled something about preferring gas to electric.
“Then you know how the pilot light looks in the burner?”
“Of course.” Where on earth had this come from? Next, were we going to swap recipes for unleavened bread?
“That was the temperature of my faith—just like the little light in the stove. It was there. It had the potential to start a blazing fire, but was content just ‘being there,’ lighting up once in a while, but happy to let someone else do the cooking.
“There was a great deal of potential for my faith, but I was content to be barely burning—not hold or cold.” He studied me quizzically. “Do you understand what I mean?”
“Perfectly. The church is full of gas ranges with little pilot lights. I don’t cook on ‘high’ in my faith all the time, either.”
He looked pleased to know I understood. “The last few years, however, primarily since Molly and I joined forces, someone has been playing with the switches on my stove. I think God gave me Molly to amp up my flame of faith.”
He leaned back in his seat and I was struck by his incredible softness and vulnerability. This is what Molly had wanted me to see of her brother. It certainly put me in my little judgmental, holier-than-thou place in a hurry.
“Why do you say that?”
“Because she is such a challenge sometimes.” He shook his head as if to rid it of annoying thoughts. “And I see how it is to love people in spite of themselves.”
If my heart hadn’t already been a puddle resting on my diaphragm, it would have melted then and there.
What’s going on here, God? I don’t like this guy, remember? Or at least I didn’t last week….
“But you seemed so angry with her….”
“At her? I suppose so, but I’ve been angrier with myself. I should have known better than to expect her to change just because she had her name on the front door of the office.” He straightened. “But enough about her. I’m sure she didn’t get us together to spend our time talking about her.”
“Then why do you think she tried to link us up?” I teased, knowing the answer already.
He took my right hand and kissed the tip of my index finger. “This.”
Gently he moved to my next finger.
“And this.”
Okay, my hand is going into paroxysms of joy.
“And this.”
By the time he kissed the palm of my hand, I would have followed him like a lemming into the sea. So much for the strong, spirited, independent woman who’d thought Jared would have been best locked out of Molly’s home while we were working. He could sort my clutter any old time.
“May I walk you to your room?” he asked.
“It’s only up a flight of stairs and down a hall.”
“Too far for someone precious like you to travel alone.”
We walked hand in hand to the door of my room where we stood facing each other. Jared put his right hand on the door jamb behind me and looked down into my eyes. Down into my eyes. I felt small and light and practically waifish.
There were other sensations even more unfamiliar coursing through me, as well. Sensations that played around the words love, captivated, charmed and the scariest word of all, commitment. I felt both relief and sadness when Jared took his hand off the wall behind me and straightened.
“And tomorrow is our last day at the Oasis.”
“Back into the desert for us.” I felt distressed as I said it.
“How are you getting home?” I was relieved to hear him move to practical issues.
“My camel is in the shop, so Wendy will be picking me up. She went up north. I’ll call her to tell her what time to be here.”
“Why don’t you just ride home with me?”
“Oh, I couldn’t…” I began and then stopped myself. I could. “I suppose she would like a few more hours with her family. She was disappointed to hear that checkout time here was noon.”
“Then call her. Promise her I’ll take good care of you, okay?”
I knew he would, and so I did.
Chapter Twenty-One
I looked back as the Oasis faded into the distance. “I would never in a million years have predicted how this weekend would turn out.”
Dreamily I turned to gaze at Jared who, in sunglasses that hid his eyes, a pale blue shirt open at the collar and dark trousers, looked as though he should be driving off a movie set with Julia Roberts instead of me.
He smiled at me and my heart did a flip-flop. Oh, boy, have I got it bad!
I may have thought I’d been in love before, but I was mistaken. Anything I’d previously experienced was a pallid version of what I feel right now. That was love. This is Love.
Even I, who embraces the safe, secure, organized and planned, can’t deny it. There’s no doubt in my mind that Jared is the man God has chosen for
me. God and I talked about it for most of the last twelve hours and the peace I feel is growing deeper. He is in control. And if God wants this relationship for me, then I want it, too.
Trust Me, God says, and I will work it out.
I glanced at Jared and noticed the muscles of his jaw clenching and unclenching. “Something wrong?”
“I’m eager to apologize to Molly. I got on the Internet and looked up Attention Deficit Disorder. I saw Molly in so many of the descriptions. She has always lived full-out, brave, happy, daring…how she overcomes frustration and still manages to bring so such joy into our family and the lives of others… I think my scattered little sister might be one of my new heroes.”
“I’m sure she doesn’t hold it against you that you didn’t understand, Jared. She couldn’t understand it, either, if no one ever diagnosed her.”
“No? But she takes responsibility for everything that goes wrong. I gave her too little credit for what has gone right for her.”
“You’re blaming yourself pretty harshly for something we don’t even know to be true,” I reminded him. “Only a professional can tell you that.”
“It doesn’t matter. Molly’s always looked up to me and expected me to watch out for her. I didn’t want to fail her.”
My heart went all tender inside. Seeing his humility and the affection he has for his sister makes me even more confident of the wonderful husband and father he will be.
Husband and father? Whoa! Where’d that come from?
I am hook, line and sinker in love.
We were nearing the twin cities of Minneapolis and St. Paul when Jared’s cell phone rang. I bit back a comment about annoying gadgets being the mosquitoes of the 21st century. I didn’t want anything to break the blissful communal silence between us.
Then I tuned in to the sound of Jared’s voice on the phone. It was clipped and annoyed? Angry? No, it was fear.
“Two hours ago? Why didn’t anyone call me right away? Where is she? Don’t give me that, Ethan. Of course I’ll go directly there. We’ll meet you at the hospital and you can take Sammi home.”
“Jared?”
He turned to me and his face was ashen. “There’s been an accident. Molly…”
I recalled the trip she’d been planning with her friends.
“Lost control…had seat belt on…saved her life…unconscious…neurological emergency…haven’t been able to wake her…my parents are there…”
The disjointed words came through my stunned fog. “But will she be all right?”
The look in his eyes terrified me. “Ethan says they don’t know yet. Once she wakes up…if she does…” He cleared his throat. “Ethan says there’s no wound on her head but a large bruise….”
I couldn’t speak, not that it would have mattered. There were no words that could comfort Jared at this moment.
“Jared, slow down. The last thing your family needs is another accident.” I don’t mind speed, being a downhill skier and all, but I don’t like buildings blurring past me on city streets.
He took his foot off the accelerator and let the car slow into the vague vicinity of the speed limit, but his hands remained clutched, white-knuckled, on the wheel.
“Call Ethan again, will you?” he ordered. “See if anything has changed.”
Reluctantly I picked up the phone and dialed.
“Ethan here.”
“Hi, it’s Sammi. Any—”
“No change. She’s stable, the bones she’s broken are set, and except for the huge bruise on her head, she looks pretty good. One of the others in the car has gone into surgery for internal bleeding but everyone is optimistic. The doctors won’t say much about the fact that Molly is unconscious. There is edema in the brain, and it takes time for the swelling to subside. The edema is causing intracranial pressure, which is contributing to her unconsciousness. They aren’t willing to give a prognosis quite yet. They say it could be a while.” His voice wavered. “How is Jared—really?”
“As you’d expect,” I said, trying to keep from analyzing Jared in his presence.
“Is he feeling guilty?” Ethan asked unexpectedly.
“Why do you ask?”
“Because I know him. He’s running the tape of his life backward trying to think of every time he might have disappointed Molly and is beating himself up over it. He’s also wondering how he could have prevented this, never taking into account that Molly’s a grown woman and makes her own decisions. Jared has compassion and understanding for everyone but himself. He is the only one he expects to be perfect.”
“A hard task,” I murmured softly, but Jared heard me.
“What’s ‘hard’? Something with Molly? Let me talk to him.” He swiped for the phone and I pulled it away.
“Don’t mix driving and cell-phone conversations. And we weren’t talking about Molly, we were talking about you.” I returned to the phone. “I have to go, Ethan. We’ll be there in less than twenty minutes.”
I ended the call and turned to Jared. “Nothing has changed. I don’t think we’ll have any answers until the swelling within the skull goes down. For right now, all we can do is pray.”
After what seemed like forever, we pulled up at the hospital. I was out the car door almost before it stopped and Jared was close behind me.
A wave of hospital scent assaulted my nose as we entered. No matter what products the cleaning crews use, they can’t take away the distinctive smell of disinfectants, rubbing alcohol and the harsh chemical odor of industrial cleaning products. Even a cleaning nut like me dislikes it.
“Where is Molly Hamilton?” Jared asked the woman at the front desk.
We were directed through a maze of halls that spewed us out into a huge circular room with quick-moving nurses and a hub of machines discharging readouts. Intensive care. Ethan appeared out of a small waiting room and grabbed Jared by the shoulders.
He led us into a darkened, windowless room with straight-backed chairs ringing the walls. There were two lamps on small tables and an assortment of unappealing magazines. A TV flickered in the dimness. Wrestling was on. Someone was trying to leap off the ropes and smash an opponent into oblivion. Great viewing choice for an intensive care unit.
Then I noticed an older couple rising. The gentleman was tall and stately with gray hair and small, well-groomed mustache. He was dressed in what my mother called “church clothes,” a suit and tie, well-polished wing tips and, to prove my mother right, a church bulletin folded in half and sticking out of one pocket. The woman beside him was slender and just as dignified looking. She, too, wore church clothes—a navy suit, white blouse and extraordinarily expensive-looking pearls. Her white hair was cut short and swept back like wings from her pretty face. A face that looked just like Molly’s.
Jared first embraced his mother and then his father.
“How is she?”
“The same. They’ll be releasing her to a room soon.” The older man’s voice held much the same timbre as Jared’s.
“Shouldn’t they keep her here in ICU where she can be watched more closely?”
“Apparently they don’t feel the need. They can monitor her state of consciousness from her room.”
Jared opened his mouth to speak and then remembered that he had me in tow.
“Mom, Dad, I’m sorry. I should introduce you. This is Sammi Smith, my…”
Whatever he was going to call me was left unsaid because his mother, Geneva, came at me with open arms.
“Molly has told me so much about you! She adores you, Ms. Smith. Why, I was at her place the other day and there was counter space, empty chairs and such an amazing difference in her attitude. You’re a miracle worker!”
Don’t I wish. I’d have Molly standing on her feet right now.
“Thank you. I love her, too. She’s a remarkable woman.”
Jared’s father, Robert Hamilton, stepped forward. “It’s time we met. I’m just sorry it’s under these circumstances.”
Even now, they’re th
inking about me. There didn’t seem to be a selfish bone running through any of Jared’s family.
“I’m so sorry about this. Is there anything you can…tell us?”
“Not much. Molly’s friend was driving. They hadn’t gotten far out of the Cities.”
“I suppose they were hurrying,” Geneva picked up the story. “It’s just like Molly and her friends to do that.”
“Apparently the driver lost control of the car. That’s all we know.”
“Can I see her?” Jared asked softly. I could feel the tension he was attempting to harness in his body.
“Yes. Room 545, on the other side of the nurses’ station. Just tell someone you’re going in.”
Jared started for the door, then paused. “Sammi, would you like to come with me?”
I took his hand.
“Jared, is there anything I can do?”
“Just be here, Sammi. I can’t string two clear thoughts together in my head right now.”
I opened my mouth to give him reassurances and closed it again. Anything I might have said would be palliative words with no corroboration. Jared deserved more than that.
Together we walked through a tangled maze of machines and wires into the cubicle where Molly lay.
Chapter Twenty-Two
Monitors were humming and lights blinking on various machines, but the centerpiece of the room was unmoving. I had to look twice to make sure the sheet over Molly’s chest was rising and falling rhythmically with her breath.
She appeared to be sleeping. But for a nasty bruise that stained the side of her face and forehead, she might have been dozing on her own couch.
Jared flinched and I felt palpable waves of dismay emanating from him. He was in more pain than Molly. Cautiously he moved forward, bent over the bed and placed his hand over her still one.
“Molly? Hey, it’s Jared. How are you doing, honey?”
His tone was so gentle that I felt my heart shattering.
“Sammi and I just got back from the Oasis. It was great, sweetie, really great. You’d better pull yourself together so I can take you and Sammi back there, okay?”