by Rebel Adams
“I feel the same way, Brandon. More than you’ll ever know. I’ve loved you since we were five. Your eyes gave me the strength to be who I am today and I never want to lose sight of those eyes again.” My heart beats triple time with happiness at the fact, or infinitly e facth nd. e and it is becoming harder to breathe. are guns going off that she loves me just as much as I love her.
There is nothing more to say. She was, is and will always be my future. The future Mrs. Cross, my best friend, mother of my children, and more importantly my life.
“Sarah, not too close to the water,” I scream at my daughter from across the yard.
“Every time she gets close to that water, my heart stops.”
“She’ll be fine. She’s been taking lessons the past two years. She’s a pro. Stop worrying, Mommy,” my husband says to me as he rubs my growing belly.
“I tell myself that, but still can’t help but worry.”
“If it makes you feel better, I’ll go out there with her.” I nod to him. He gets up and runs over to our three-year-old daughter. She is the spitting image of him. Dark brown, flowing locks with those same piecing blue eyes. I’m so deliciously happy at this moment. The first year of our relationship was truly hard with Brandon trying to overcome his PTSD. Even though it’s five years later, he still has nightmares from time to time.
A few months after we made our relationship official, we started therapy together and I learned techniques to help him through it. Brandon somehow got my father to let me see my sister and we’ve been seeing each other regularly ever since. My father, on the other hand, still doesn’t talk to me much. He has since remarried and has another little girl. My heart pained that he moved on, but he deserves happiness just like anyone else. We built our dream house on that piece of land Brandon bought before we met. We built it just as I imagined it. The blue two-story house sits back from the water with a small grass area on the side for Betsy to play. We have a porch that wraps the house, and most evenings in the summer, Brandon and I enjoy each other’s company.
“Mommy, Mommy, look at what I found,” Betsy says, running to me.
“What is it, sweetheart?” I ask her.
“We found a turtle.” She has a small turtle in her hands. “Daddy says not to be rough with it or I might hurt him. Can I keep him?” she bounces as she says it. How could I say no to that sweet face?
“Hmmm, what did daddy say?”
“He said it’s okay, if it’s okay with you.”
“It’s okay. We have to find something to keep him until we can go to the pet store.”
“Let’s go now, please, Mommy.” She tries to yank me out of the lawn chair.
“I’ll help you. Let’s let mommy rest.” Thank God, because this baby is sucking the energy right out of me.
I watch Brandon take our daughter’s hand and lead her into the house. A few minutes later, they both emerge with a small shoebox in Betsy’s hands.
“Look, Mommy, he’s going to live in here for a while. Daddy says.”
“He looks very comfortable. Why don’t you go find him some rocks to climb over for his new home?”
“Okay, Mommy.” She goes running down to the water and starts picking up rocks
“Are you happy, Mrs. Cross?” Brandon asks me.
“More than you will ever know. I love you to the moon and back.” I smile at him.
“I love you to infinity, Are’. I love our life.”
There isn’t anything better than right here and right now. I have the perfect life, perfect husband, perfect child, and perfect home. I wouldn’t change a thing.
“Well?”
I turned to Lucinda, who was waiting impatiently for me to answer. Oh, shit. Rule number one was always listen to what she had to say. This was worth at least a week’s worth of whining, for sure.
“Sorry, what were you saying?”
“I asked if you want to share the mousse with me.” She sighed, her mouth creasing into a pout. Another strike against me. Not that it mattered. I couldn’t do anything right by her standards lately. Things had been strained between us for a while now. We both wanted different things, and even simple tasks—like going out for dinner—had begun to turn into a struggle.
She flicked her long blonde hair over her shoulder and ordered, without waiting for my response. I snorted. Why the hell did she even bother asking me in the first place?
The last five minutes pretty much summed up our relationship. She had me by the balls and made every single decision. I mean, that was the only explanation for the numerous overpriced artwork that donned our walls at home. Pieces which looked like they were the result of a fight between a five your old and a Rottweiler. Or the fact that my last birthday was spent in a VIP box at the opera, when all I really wanted to do was go and watch a football game. But, Lucinda didn’t attend football games, because “watching grown men jump all over one another was not worth her time.” And she never did anything she didn’t want to. Even with sex—when we had it—everything was done her way. As relieved as I was about her taking charge in the bedroom, I couldn’t even remember the last time she went down on me.
We sat in silence, waiting for the dessert. I stifled a yawn, which earned me another glare, and then another lecture about my poor time-management skills.
“Lucinda, quit it. Not now, okay?” I sighed, rubbing my temple. God, even the sound of her voice was giving me a headache. She just didn’t stop.
“What? I’m just saying once you start full time internship, if you think this is rough, you’re going to be in for a shock.”
“Lucinda! Cut me some slack, okay? I start a new job tomorrow; one that is going to have me putting in god knows how many hours, and then you’re on top of me for every little thing. ”
“What, so you’re stressed out and suddenly everything is my fault?” she snapped. “You’re not the only one with problems, Cam. You’d know that if you didn’t have your head stuck up your own ass.”
I laughed. “Are you serious? Everything is about you, Lucinda. It always has been.”
“Nobody is making you stay with me,” she snapped, glaring at me.
“If only that were the truth.” The words came out low, but loud enough for her to hear. Between her parents and mine, the pressure for us to get engaged was suffocating. I was only twenty-six. I was still figuring out what I wanted out of life. That wasn’t entirely true. I knew what I didn’t want. What I wasn’t sure of though was if I had the guts to break free from it.
Tight lipped and angry, she stood up and glared at me. “Enjoy your dessert. I’ll be at my parents.” I leaned back in my chair, and watched her storm out. I couldn’t help but feel relief that I might have a few days away from her. How bad was that?
Lucinda and I had been together for nearly ten years. At sixteen, we had been pushed together by our parents, who were friends and were convinced we were perfect for each other.
It was at that same age that my attraction toward men became even more obvious to me. But being gay wasn’t an option in my family. Not for my father at least. So I did the only thing I felt I could. I pushed it away. I fought my feelings and masked them with lies and fell into a relationship that my parents approved of.
Now ten years later, I resented myself. I pined for a life I longed for, but one I knew would never be mine. I put my hand up and motioned for the check.
Back at home, I slammed the door shut and shrugged out of my pants, leaving them trailing along the carpet to the bathroom. Turning on the shower, I stood in front of the mirror and stared at my reflection. I wasn’t bad looking. My short dark brown hair and warm blue eyes got a fair bit of attention from women; not that it was wanted. I also worked hard to keep in shape, and it showed in my toned, ripped stomach and defined biceps.
After a quick shower, I made my way to the bedroom. Sliding between the sheets, I flipped open my iPad and began to search for websites I knew I’d be deleting from my history later. I took my release when I could get it.
Usually when Lucinda was working late at the office, or at one of her many fundraising events.
The discovery of the internet and gay porn had been the highlight of my teen years, and even more so during my relationship with Lucinda. Our sex life was empty and void of any real passion. On the odd occasion we were intimate, it wasn’t her I imagined as she lay beneath me. It was the sexy lecturer from Human Anatomy, or the cute guy who served me coffee at the university café.
Anything to get the job done.
Afterward, I tossed the iPad on the floor and switched off the light. If anything, jerking myself off to a video of a hot, sexy guy getting sucked off by another guy would help me sleep. I was as nervous as hell about tomorrow as it was.
If there were one thing I was good at, it was hiding my emotions.
So if you saw me right now, standing there along with the other six surgical interns, waiting for direction from whoever it was in charge, you’d never realize how terrified I was.
All my hard work had come down to this. Years of study had earned me an internship at one of the best hospitals in Southern California. Being a doctor went against the long line of lawyers in my family, but I’d been determined to follow my dream, much to the disappointment of my father. I needed at least something in my life to feel like it was mine.
I glanced around me. The short blonde next to me flashed me a smile that I couldn’t help but return. Her pretty blue eyes sparkled as she stepped closer to me. She appeared calm, but her eyes gave away how she was really feeling.
“Nervous?” she asked.
“Me?” I asked. “Nah, what could go wrong? It’s not like people’s lives are in our hands,” I joked. She giggled, and extended her hand.
“I’m Erin. I’m freaking out and totally high on caffeine right now. Seriously, I didn’t sleep a wink last night. Two double strength mocha lattes are the only thing that has me standing upright at the moment.”
“Caffeine was my closest friend all through med school,” I chuckled. “Where did you study?”
“UCLA. You?”
“Penn State,” I replied with a smile. She let out a low whistle, impressed. She opened her mouth to say something, and then shut it, her eyes widening. Before I could turn around, a deep, masculine voice boomed out, making me jump.
“Sorry if I’m interrupting?”
Turning around, I looked up. My mouth fell open as I stared into the greenest pair of eyes I had ever seen. I flushed, embarrassed that I hadn’t realized the group—who I assumed were our mentors—had approached and begun addressing us.
Great first impression. Green eyes smirked at me, as if he were enjoying my embarrassment. I flushed and looked down, trying to control my pounding heart.
“As I was saying,” he continued, winking at me, “you’ll each be assigned a fellow who will basically act as your mentor for the next twelve weeks. This will give you time to settle into the routine that we have here at Mission Memorial. After that, you’ll rotate through the various areas of specialty so you can gain an insight into the various areas available to you.”
I tried my best to concentrate on what he was saying, but my gaze kept wandering over him. It honestly wasn’t that often I found myself so instantly attracted to someone, but this guy…From those amazing eyes to his messy, dark brown—almost black—hair, everything about him was perfect. My palms began to sweat as I watched his mouth move. God, those lips…His eyes met mine, and for the briefest moment, I thought I saw something there. I squeezed my eyes shut, forcing his image out of my head.
Snap the hell out of it! I couldn’t believe how ridiculous I was acting. I had a girlfriend. More than that, I was here to learn. I was here to work.
I waited as each of the fellows called out the names of their intern. My heart skipped each time it wasn’t my name that was called, because that put me one step closer to being left with him. Soon, it was only green eyes and I left.
Shit no. Anyone but him. My heart began to pound. I couldn’t work alongside Eric Fraser. How the hell was I going to concentrate on what I was supposed to be doing with him shadowing me? God, even the idea of having him so close to me every single day was making me feel…holy shit, was I aroused right now?
“Do you have a name?”
“Cam,” I muttered, falling into step beside him as he took off down the hall. “Cam Fletcher”
“Cam Fletcher,” he repeated, turning to face me. “I expect you to listen, watch and learn, okay? Whatever it is that has you flipping out like a halfwit, get over it, pronto.”
My head shot up and I saw how serious he was. I flushed and nodded. I couldn’t believe how bad things were starting off.
“Yes, of course,” I replied.
“Good,” he nodded, rubbing his unshaven jaw.
My knees buckled as I began to imagine all the things this god could teach me. He was at least ten years older than me, but that only added to his appeal.
“Today, you just watch. I want your eyes on me at all times. I want you to study me. See how I interact with patients and their families. By the end of the day, I want you to know more about me than I know myself.”
“Right. Got it,” I nodded. I was being ordered to watch him. This was either all my dreams come true or the biggest mistake in the world. I wasn’t sure which just yet.
For the next few hours, I followed him around like a shadow. There were a few things I learned about Eric. One, he was cocky as hell; he was intimidating, but he was also amazing with the patients, and their families. Pediatrics was one of the toughest specialties because no parent wanted to see their child in pain.
Eric had this way of making every parent feel at ease, like their child was in the best possible hands. Hell, he even had me believing it. He was a totally different person with them, the cockiness and attitude completely gone. Eric knew how good he was, but that was part of what made him one of the top surgeons in the country. He backed himself all the way. I didn’t doubt that I was going to be learning from one of the best.
“Cam?” Eric waited for me to catch up to him. I’d been so lost in my own thoughts I hadn’t even noticed him leave the nurses station. “Noah in room eight.” He handed me a file. I opened it and scanned through the pages of information.
Shit. The poor kid had a rare form of primary bone cancer that had relapsed twice. He was now complaining of pain in his hip. Scans had shown a small mass in his femur.
“What would you suggest?” he asked, staring at me as he waited for an answer.
“I’d do a biopsy, and then a pet scan to see if there were any other tumors.”
He nodded. “Good. Organize full bloods first. We want to rule out infection before we investigate further, okay?”
I nodded, trying to appear confident, even though I had no freaking idea how the hell I was supposed to arrange bloods, or who through. What happened to me watching for today?
“When you’re done, go to lunch. Find me at one pm. And don’t be late, Fletcher,” he called out as he disappeared down the hallway.
Okay, then. I turned back to the blood order form and stared at it, wondering what I was supposed to do next. I hadn’t even been given a proper tour of the hospital. Where were the labs? The equipment? Hell, I didn’t even know where the fucking toilets were.
“You’re new here?”
I looked up and winced at the nurse who’d addressed me. She was an older lady, about the same age as my mom, with a friendly smile. Was it that obvious that I had no idea what I was doing?
“First day,” I admitted. She laughed and came around to my side.
“Right, so you’ve taken bloods before I’m guessing?” she pressed. I nodded. “Good, so for a full testing you need one of these, this one and two of them.” She pointed to the top shelf of vials and began piling them into a dish, along with a cannula, some gauze, and a sterile wound kit. “Gloves are over there. When you’re done, find me and I’ll show you where the lab is and how to process it, okay?”
I nodded, relieved. Somehow I didn’t think chasing down Eric so that he could baby me through the process of drawing blood would have been a good move. In the couple of hours I’d known him, Eric came across as a guy who didn’t like time wasters. New interns probably fell into that category according to him.
I took my supplies and walked toward Noah’s room. This I could do. I might not have the touch of Dr Magic, but I loved kids and I knew how to make them feel comfortable. Right here, I was in my element, and much less stressed without him watching my every move.
Maybe this trusting me to do things gig wasn’t so bad after all.
There was no question about it. Pediatrics was where I wanted to end up. In all the years of my studies, that goal had never faltered. I had a friend when I was eight who had suffered from cancer for years. He eventually lost his struggle when we were thirteen. That was the moment I decided I wanted to be a doctor. As scary as it was actually being here, with kids’ lives in my hands, it made that desire—that urge to help—that much stronger.
“Back again,” I smiled at Noah, who was sitting up in his bed. His face lit up when he saw me. Noah had been in and out of hospitals all his life, so it wasn’t surprising that he looked relaxed and not in the least bit scared.
He held out his arm. “More tests,” he asked, rolling his eyes.
“Won’t take a minute,” I chuckled. I glanced at the Nintendo in his other hand. “What are you playing?”
“World of War,” he said, his eyes lighting up. “I’m on level fifteen,” he added proudly. “Most of my friends can’t even get past level six.”
“Ah,” I said with a grin. “I bet I could.”
“No way,” he shot back, smiling.
“I bet you two mars bars I can,” I challenged. I had no intention of winning, just seeing his face light up was enough. The only escape he had at the moment was this game, and if I could help out by letting him beat my ass, then I would.
“You’re on,” he exclaimed. He waited impatiently for me to take his bloods, and then looked up at me expectantly.