Marisa knew Nadia was right. It wasn’t her fault. Something kept telling her that he was hiding something, but she chose to ignore it only to end up getting hurt.
-26-
It was the last summer before Nadia’s freshmen year of college and instead of being out and enjoying her life like a normal person would, she was spending her time in the house with her brothers as she could before she had to leave for Atlanta.
She sat in the middle of her mother’s bed Indian style as she flipped through the pages of old photo albums of her family. She smiled as the pictures brought back memories from different stages of her childhood. This was back when her family was happy. Back when her dad was still alive and her mother was well, Neeman wasn’t labeled the problem child, and Nyzir was just a baby. Back when everything seemed perfect, she thought to herself.
Neeman stood in the doorway watching his sister. It amazed him how much she reminded him of their mother. She was strong just like their mother was. He knew Nadia was dealing with a lot and liked to keep most of her emotions bottled in. If you didn’t know her personally, you wouldn’t be able to tell she had a lot going on because she continued to have her head held high.
Feeling eyes on her, Nadia looked up at her brother and smiled.
“Do you remember this one, Nemo?” She asked while trying to stifle a laugh.
“Let me see,” he said as he walked over to the bed and sat down. He looked at the picture his sister was pointing to and shook his head.
“Aw man, this brings back memories,” he laughed.
Nadia looked at the picture and couldn’t help, but to bust out laughing. Neeman had to be about ten years old in the picture sporting a half shaved head. He had watched their dad give himself a line up one day and figured he could do it too. At the time, he had a mini afro and tried to give himself a haircut, but failed miserably.
“Dad made you walk around like that for a whole week. I may have been little, but I remember it,” Nadia cracked up.
“You ain’t right Nadi, that shit was not funny,” he laughed with her.
Nadia got quiet before she leaned over and laid her head on her brother’s shoulder.
“Thank you, Nemo,” she said.
“For what?” He asked.
“For always being there for me, even when you were locked up. You talked some sense into me and opened my eyes to some things,” she told him.
“Nah Nadi, you’ve always had some sense. You were just confused and needed some help in making a decision. I didn’t get a chance to talk to you about the baby and that abortion shit, so I made sure we got to talk about school,” Neeman told her.
Nadia sighed and ran her fingers through her hair at the mention of the abortion. At first, she was so sure that she had made the right decision, but now she was second guessing herself. When Mario called her and damned near ripped her head off, she could hear the pain in his voice.
“Do you think I’m from selfish?” She asked her brother.
“Huh? Where that come from?”
“The abortion, do you think I was selfish? If you were cool with Mario and I told you that I was getting an abortion what would you say?”
Neeman rubbed his chin before answering her. “I would have told you to talk to him first because the both of you made the baby together. I understand at the end of the day that it‘s your body, and you have the right to do what you want, but at the same time it was his seed too.”
“So, I was being selfish,” Nadia said more as a statement than a question.
“No, I‘m not saying that. You just moved too fast and already had it set in your head that you didn’t want to have that baby. It‘s not the end of the world though Nadi. You‘re not the first woman to ever get an abortion, and you won‘t be the last.”
Nadia just nodded her head. She wanted to talk to Mario, but she really didn‘t know what she wanted to say. She knew she wanted to apologize, but at the same time she felt she was justified.
___
Marisa jumped out of her sleep when she felt a pair of lips on her neck. She looked around confused wondering how he got in her house.
“You left the front door unlocked.”
“So you took that as an invitation to come right on in?” She asked with an attitude.
“You need to get it together Ma. It‘s been two weeks. This shit got your head so fucked up that you’re not thinking about your safety,” Jason told her.
“Jay, I‘m not in the mood to hear no preaching, okay? So the same way you walked in is the same way you can walk out,” she said before turning her back to him and throwing the cover over her head.
Jason kicked his shoes off and took his shirt off before climbing into the bed behind her. He thought she was going to say something smart, but instead she just scooted her body back until she was in his arms.
“No more crying over that nigga. So whatever tears you cried today or before today, make those your last ones. I know you’re hurt, but never let a nigga get you to the point where your ass starts getting depressed,” Jason told her.
“I just feel like a damn fool,” she said just above a whisper.
“Everybody plays the fool at least once. That’s just the way life is, but don’t let it get you down.”
Marisa didn’t say anything else as she got comfortable in Jason’s arms. She had been spending the last two weeks racking her brain trying to figure out what she did to Jax to make him lie and hurt her the way that he did. The part that hurts the most is the fact that he didn’t think she was worth the truth.
In her eyes, all he had to do was tell her from day one that he had a daughter, and her mother was locked up. Obviously, he didn’t respect her enough to tell her. Red flags should have went up for her when he finally revealed the fact that he had a daughter, but he used the excuse that he didn’t introduce Jamila to every female he dealt with. In her eyes, that was a valid excuse, and she respected that, but now she realized it was all a part of the bullshit games he was playing.
-27-
Since being home, Jaron had been spending a lot of his time with Nadia. When they had broken up, Nadia told him she would always be his friend and be there for him which she had done. Well, until Mario came into the picture. When Jason came to visit him and told him that Nadia was hugged with some other nigga, he thought it was just something she was doing to pass the time.
When he found out that she was actually feeling the nigga, he felt some type of way, but what had hurt him the most was when she stopped communicating with him. None of his phone calls got answered, his letters we unanswered and he wasn’t even sure if she was still receiving them. When he found out about her mother passing he felt like shit and really wanted to be there for her.
Today they were sitting in her room, and she was helping him fill out job applications.
“Did you really love him?” Jaron asked out of nowhere.
Nadia had to think before she answered that question. Do I or did I love Mario? She thought to herself.
“I felt…feel something for him,” she answered honestly.
“Did you ever love me?” He questioned even though he already knew the answer.
“You don’t think I did?”
“Nah, I know you did. I’m just trying to figure out how I fucked something good up,” he said more to himself than to her.
Nadia was confused. When she and Jaron broke up, they weren’t on bad terms. They didn’t break up because he was a cheater or anything like that, so she didn’t understand how he felt like he messed up.
“Jaron, how did you mess up? You broke up with me remember?” She said with a slight chuckle.
“Exactly, that’s how I messed up. I mean I still feel the same way, but my love for you hasn’t changed. When I was locked up, I had some serious time to think, and I realized how much I love your ass,” Jaron told her.
Nadia didn’t say anything because it wasn’t out of the norm for him to profess his love for her. She really believed that
they would have still been together if he wouldn’t have broken up with her when he got locked up. He felt as if Nadia was too much of a good girl for him, and he didn’t want to hurt her or get her caught up in his street affairs.
Doing what he thought was right, he told her he couldn’t be with her. Of course, Nadia didn’t take too well to that. He was her first love, her first everything, and it hurt her, but at the same time she understood where he was coming from. She had no choice, but to respect his decision.
“Jaron, I owe you an apology. It was never in my intentions to stop communicating with you or to ignore you. It’s just that when I lost my mom I shut everybody out and then I was so caught up dealing with some other issues-”
Jaron held his hand up to stop her. “Nadi, it’s cool. I know what was up. There’s no hard feelings over this way, so you don’t have to apologize.”
Nadia just nodded her head. “I’m meeting up with Marisa at the mall. You wanna roll with me and Nyzir?”
“Oh hell no, y’all don’t know how to leave anything in the damn stores. Y’all not about to be carting me around carrying y’all bags and shit.” He half joked.
“Don’t even try it, but your brother is going.”
“Well, in that case, let’s go,” he laughed.
Nadia just shook her head as she got up to see if her brother was ready.
____
Nadia and Marisa were walking out of a store when Marisa accidentally bumped into somebody.
“I’m sor…”
Her voice trailed off once she realized who it was. She looked up into Jax’s face and instantly got angry. She wanted to punch him in his face, but instead she turned on her heels and headed in the other direction, leaving Nadia standing there.
“Marisa!” Jax yelled while running after her.
When he caught up to her, he grabbed her by her arm lightly to keep her from moving. Marisa snatched away from him, almost causing herself to fall.
“Don’t touch me,” she said through gritted teeth.
“I gave you plenty of time to cool off. All I wanna do is talk to you. Can I at least do that?” Jax asked, damn near begging.
“Talk?” She asked. “What the hell is there for us to talk about?”
“Baby you good?” Jason asked as he walked up behind Marisa, wrapping his arms around her waist while keeping his eyes locked on Jax.
Jax just chuckled and shook his head. I should’ve known, he thought as he kept his eyes on Marisa. He wasn’t even going to give Jason the reaction he wanted.
“Answer my question Jamil,” Marisa said.
“I just want to explain everything. I at least owe you that much. It really wasn’t how it seemed or what you think,” Jax told her.
Marisa bit her bottom lip and looked from Jax to Nadia. She needed some help on this situation. On one hand, she was pissed at Jax for playing her and lying to her, but on the other hand she wanted to hear exactly what he had to say.
“You have five minutes, let’s go,” she said as she tried to walk away, but Jason held her tightly.
“What the fuck are you doing?” He asked her.
“Jay, really?” She asked.
“I should be the one asking you that. You’re really going to sit up here and talk to this nigga after the shit he pulled?” He asked with an attitude.
Trying to defuse the situation, Nadia stepped in. “Jason just let her go for five minutes. She just wants to hear what he has to say. Help me find Jaron and Nyzir.”
Reluctantly, Jason let Marisa go. Nadia took Marisa’s bags and watched as she and Jax walked away. Jax ran his hand over his face as he tried to figure out how he wanted to start the conversation.
“Alright look, I fucked up and I can admit that. I was being selfish as hell because I had plenty of opportunities to tell you about Jessica, but I didn’t because I knew for a fact that you weren’t going to want anything to do with me, and I couldn’t have that. In the beginning, I didn’t expect to catch feelings for you. I want to make it clear that me and Jessica were not together when she got locked up.” He told her in one big breath.
Marisa just looked him in the eyes. She could tell that he was being honest, but that still didn’t take away the pain. She shook her head and tried to fight back the tears that were trying to make an appearance.
“See what happens when you assume stuff. I asked you, Jamil. I constantly asked you was there something you wanted to tell me. I asked you numerous times to keep it real with me which you couldn’t do. You claim you knew for a fact that if you had told me I would have cut you off, but how do you know for sure? If you weren’t with her like you say then why would I leave? Did I leave when I found out about Jamila? Come on now,” she huffed.
Jax didn’t say anything because he couldn’t. He didn’t know what he could possibly say to make this situation any better.
“Are you with her now?” She asked.
“No, she’s living with her mom in Jersey and keeping Jamila from me because I don’t want to be with her. Shit was all good as long as I was putting money on her books and shit, but now that she’s home and realize that I wasn’t playing when I told her I was done with her, she’s using my daughter to hurt me,” he said somberly.
Marisa was sad to hear that. If it was one thing that she couldn’t stand was a bitter and evil ass baby mama. She couldn’t understand why some females didn’t comprehend that you didn’t have to be with your child’s father in order for you to raise that child.
“Jax I don’t know what to say, I really don’t. I feel so disrespected to know that I wasn’t even worth the truth. All you had to do was keep it real with me.”
“Look, Reese, all I need is one more chance to prove myself. You made a nigga fall in love without even trying to. Even if you don’t take me back, I’m still not going to be with her. If I have to go to court for my daughter then I will, but right now you and Jamila are the only things I’m worried about.”
“Jax I-”
Jax cut her off before she could even finish what she was about to say.
“What, you moved on that fast?” He asked with a raised eyebrow.
Marisa fought to hold back a smirk. She thought it was funny and cute that he was jealous.
“I can’t trust you,” she told him.
“All I’m asking for is one chance. Hell, if it makes you happy we can start back at square one, just friends,” he said as he stuck his hand out for her to shake. “Hello, my name is Jamil, but everyone calls me Jax.”
She was having a serious internal battle. He hurt her which was obvious, but she wouldn’t dare lie and say that she didn’t miss or love him. At the same time, she had been spending a lot of time with Jason lately, and old feelings had resurfaced for him also.
“Marisa,” she smiled as she shook his hand.
Jax wanted to jump for joy. Marisa really had him feeling like a bitch lately because he was missing her so bad. He didn’t care if he did have to start from the beginning and be her friend, as long as he was in her life and she was in his was all that mattered. He didn’t want to sit back and watch her be with another nigga, especially Jason, so he was going to have to work overtime to prove himself to her.
-28-
Nadia sat on her porch as she watched her baby brother who wasn’t a baby anymore shoot a ball into the hoop in the middle of the driveway. He was going to be the hardest person to leave behind when she left for college. Lately, he had been coming out of that shy little shell he had been in, but that was only around family.
She was going to really worry about him when she was gone, and that was the part that was driving her crazy. She had never been away from him since he was born almost sixteen years ago. Now here, she was about to be in a whole other state.
“Take a water break baby boy,” she said as she held up a bottle of water for him.
Nyzir bounced the ball as he walked up on the porch and sat next to his sister. Nadia couldn’t help, but to stare at her brother. He was so
handsome and starting to get a little peach fuzz on his chin. He was already taller than her, and she hated the thought of him growing up. She wanted him to stay a baby forever.
“What?” Nyzir laughed once he noticed his sister staring at him.
“You’re so handsome.” She smiled.
Nyzir just blushed as he continued to drink his water.
“Zir, you know I’ll be leaving soon right?” She asked.
He nodded his head and looked down. “College.”
“Yeah, for college. But you know that no matter what I’ll always be here for you. You can call me, facetime or Skype me, and I’ll answer,” she told him.
“I know. I’ll miss you,” he said.
Nadia had to bite her lip to keep herself from crying. There was a time when she had to teach him how to say a perfect sentence, force him to eat and pick out his clothes for him. She thought that once they lost their mother he was going to go back to the way he was or get worst but he didn’t. He was now eating, doing good in school even though he was still in special ed, getting himself dressed, talking very well and just making her proud.
“I’m going to miss you too,” she said as a tear rolled down her cheek.
Nyzir reached over and wiped her tears away before hugging her. Just feeling his arms around her made her breakdown. Neeman was standing in the door looking confused as hell.
“What happened?” He asked.
“She sad about college,” Nyzir told his brother.
“Aw shit, her cry baby ass been crying since she got that acceptance letter. I sure hate to see how she do when the day comes for her to leave,” Neeman laughed.
“Shut up Nemo,” Nadia laughed through her tears.
“I’m about to go get tatted, y’all wanna roll?” He asked.
“Yeah, that’s better than sitting around here crying all day about nothing,” Nadia said.
Love Don't Live Here Page 11