by J A Heron
She still blames me, for everything.
I sit with my head in my hands on the doorstep of our family home, sobbing.
“I’m so sorry, dear.” The lady who has come to repossess the house I’ve lived in all my life really does look sorry as the locks are changed. I’m sitting here with only a few of my possessions. A backpack with a few clothes, a teddy bear my father bought me, and one hundred pounds in cash. This is all I have to my name, and I have no idea what to do now.
“Please, please, please let me back inside. I have one more thing I need to collect,” I beg, when I suddenly remember one of my most treasured possessions is left inside.
“I can’t. I’m sorry. It’s policy not to let you back in once the locks are changed.”
“Perhaps you could get it for me. There’s an ornate box in the first back bedroom. Please. It contains something precious to me, and I need it.” I’m pleading to this woman’s sense of humanity, hoping she’ll do as I ask.
She rolls her eyes and slowly leans her head to the side as she looks at me with pity in her eyes. “Okay. But I insist you stay right here.” She points to the spot in which she stands.
“I promise.” I’ve lost all sense of caring about my predicament, wanting nothing more than to hold that necklace in my hands once more.
I keep to my word as the woman closes the door behind her.
After a few minutes, she returns with the familiar ornate walnut box and hands it to me. I check its contents and sigh with relief. “Thank you.” I hug the box close to my chest.
Darkness is starting to fall as I sit on the doorstep once more. I don’t have a place to go. I don’t know anyone well enough to knock on their door to ask them for a bed to sleep in tonight. One person springs to mind.
“Hello,” he answers.
“It’s me, Kat.”
“Hey. How’s it going? Long time, no speak.”
“I’m okay.”
He must sense the distress in my tone. “What’s wrong?”
“I’m all alone, and…” I start to say. I’m halted when I hear a female’s voice, then a few other voices all intermingled.
“Kat, speak up. I can’t hear you.”
“What’s with all the noise?”
“Oh, you know, just a few buddies and me, having a couple of beers.”
“Oh, okay. I’ve called at a bad time. I’ll speak to you tomorrow.”
“Sure thing.” The line dies.
I start to cry again, wondering what I can do to get off the street as the temperature falls along with the sun. I wrap my scarf around my neck a little tighter, and do up the zip on my jacket. I know I can’t stay here, so I get to my feet and start to walk. I don’t know where I’m going. All I do know is that I need to keep moving.
It’s a reckless thing to do, but I need it.
I walk into a supermarket, look along the shelves, and see something that catches my eye. I pick up the half bottle, find a bottle of Coke, and pay.
I sit in the park, drinking a mouthful of rum and a mouthful of Coke one after the other. I lay my drunken head down in the back doorway of the supermarket and try to sleep.
I’m terrified and find it impossible to close my eyes. With the fear of sleeping on the street for the first time, I lay there, waiting for the sun to come up once more. Time seems to drag through the night. I’m exhausted, but it’s too damn hard to fall asleep. Every little noise alerts me, and I’m hyperaware of my surroundings. I try to wrap myself up tighter, to block out the cold, but my whole body is numb from the freezing temperature seeping right through to my bones.
The sun rises, and my phone tells me it’s almost twenty to eight. I pick up my rucksack that I used for a pillow, and throw it over my shoulder. I start to walk again, but have no idea where to go.
I stumble across the train station, and when I enter, the busy hustle and bustle of the morning commuters greets me. I spot a map on the wall. It’s a map of the UK, and I decide I need to get out of here, make a fresh start, and look for somewhere else to go. I close my eyes and run my finger in circles. I make the decision, right here, right now, that wherever my finger lands, that’s where I’ll go. I stand for a few seconds, continuing to circle my finger to make sure my destination is decided truly at random. I stop and open my eyes.
Jersey it is, then.
I wake, feeling the sun on my face, and as I open my eyes, it dawns on me what happened last night. I’m afraid to look over to the other side of the bed. I’m afraid I’ll find him gone. But, I brave the possibility, and turn my head. Connor lies beside me, and he’s more or less in the same pose I last saw him in before I climbed into bed beside him.
It’s just after eight in the morning, and as I watch his chest rise and fall in soft slumber, I can hardly believe I got so lucky last night. Especially after I was so angry with him. I’ve come to realise that being pissed off with Connor never lasts very long, and he has the power to melt my cold heart.
I lie beside him, fantasising that he’s my boyfriend. I daydream, pretending he won’t be leaving our little island soon. My revere gets stronger as I hope he never has to leave. I know it’s stupid; he’ll need to leave eventually, but for now, I imagine a life with him permanently in it.
“Good morning.” His gruff morning voice awakens a need inside me.
I chuckle. “Morning,” I say shyly. Shyness is immaterial considering the antics we got up to last night. “Coffee?” I ask, after the silence between us becomes uncomfortable.
“I’d love some. But first, this.” He rolls onto his side and pulls on my hip so I’m lying on my side, facing him head on. His fingers find my hair, and he lightly tugs on the roots at my nape. His lips find mine and we kiss; it’s a slow, fervent dance.
“You’re so cute,” I whisper against his lips, earning me a tickle to my ribs.
“This is a first. I’ve never been called ‘cute’ before.” He chuckles. “You’re a very restless sleeper. What were you dreaming about?”
I suddenly remember the dream I had, a flashback to my life in history, and close down. “Nothing,” I say firmly, then move to get out of bed. “I’ll go and make that coffee.”
I make my way into the kitchen area to quickly escape more questions. I’m greeted by a half-dressed Benny and Raven.
“Morning,” I say sheepishly. It occurs to me that this pair have no idea who I brought home last night.
“Morning, man,” Connor says to Raven. I really wish this guy would stop creeping up behind me. I didn’t even hear him enter the room. I guess everyone knows who slept with who last night. Benny gives me a sly, all-knowing grin when she sees a semi-naked Connor standing behind me. She smirks, and it grates on my nerves. I return her look with a hard glare, warning her to keep her mouth shut.
“Coffee and breakfast all round?” Benny asks.
“That would be sweet, thanks,” Connor replies. I’m all for having him here for as long as possible, but this feels awkward for some reason.
Raven and Benny steal kisses between mouthfuls of bacon and eggs, while Connor and I sit awkwardly next to each other. I find myself craving his touch, and resent everything he touches that isn’t me. His cutlery, his tongue that licks his lips after every mouthful of food. I even resent the chair he sits on. I really need to get a grip.
“When are you returning home?” Benny voices a question I never thought to ask. I guess I was trying to block out the thought that these guys won’t be sticking around forever.
“The day after tomorrow,” Connor replies with a woeful tone. The emotion he’s showing makes me wonder if he’s just as sad to be leaving as I am. As he looks at me, there is more in his eyes, and my heart jumps for joy. For the first time in forever, there is a warm swell of hope running through me.
I hope we can spend some more time together before he leaves.
I hope he will want to see me again, even after he’s left.
I hope I can get through the next couple of days without falling… h
ard.
And most of all… I hope my heart will recover if he decides this is all it is.
“What do you have planned while you’re here?” I ask. I’m trying to hide the desperation in my voice. I fear he’ll say something other than spending time with me. I feel greedy, needy, and my anxiety levels are off the charts. It’s so ridiculous to feel this way.
“A little sight-seeing, relaxation, and spending time with Uncle Fred.”
Disappointment punches me in the face.
“Sounds great,” I lie. It sounds terrible.
I stand immediately and begin to tidy away. I gather up all the dirty plates and begin tackling the washing up. Benny cooks, I wash up. It’s the way it’s always been, and our system works.
Benny and Raven make themselves scarce, and it isn’t long before I hear the shower running. I roll my eyes when I hear giggling and hushed voices coming from the bathroom.
Connor joins me at the sink, grabs a tea towel, and starts to dry up as I place freshly washed crockery on the draining board. This is awkward to say the least, and I’m searching for something to say.
“You may want to check out the World War Two memorial while you’re here,” I suggest, trying to keep things light.
“I’d much rather visit the lighthouse down by the bay. War history is not really my thing. I mean that in a respectful way, but I’d much rather leave history as just that; history.”
His words resonate with me more than he’ll know. The impression I get from his words on history tell me there is something underlying to his thoughtfulness. He has a past; we all do. Perhaps it’s a reflection of his foster days, growing up with Audrey.
“I understand. I live here, and we’re constantly reminded of the suffering, lives lost, and the whole tyranny of that time. The lighthouse does live close to another war memorial, but you can divert away from that. The sunset is amazing.”
“I’ll bear that in mind.” He grins. I can’t not look at him, although I’m trying hard to not let his presence affect me. “Perhaps you’d like to join me this evening?”
“I can’t. Working tonight.”
“Tomorrow?”
“Sorry, I have plans.”
“Okay, I get it.” His tone is sharp; so sharp it cuts me deep.
“What is it you get?” I ask, searching his eyes with mine.
“I get you don’t want to spend more time with me. I get you’ve used me. I get this is goodbye.”
I feel the walls closing in around me, making it hard to breathe. I kick myself for playing this all too casual. “It’s not goodbye. At least, I hope it isn’t.”
“What do you mean?” I feel his frustration, and it mirrors my own. “Listen! I’m too old to play games, and I need to know something.”
“What is it you want to know?” I pick up the stack of dried plates and turn to put them in the cupboard, turning my back on the man who is slowly worming his way into my heart and soul. He grabs my arms and spins me around, pulling me in close to his hard chest. His eyes search mine for a second time, but this time, they sear deep, and I’m unable to tear them away, no matter how hard I try to fight.
“Is this,” he gestures between us, “is this going somewhere? Am I wasting my time?”
My eyes drop to the floor, and I’m overcome with an overwhelming feeling of regret. I should never have been so closed off because I cannot bear to see him looking so lost. All this time he’s been into me, and my scarred heart was too blind to read the signals he was sending in my direction.
“Answer me!” His demand comes as he releases my arm and steps back. The air between us, the loss of his heat… such small occurrences floor me.
“I… I… don’t know.” His eyes droop, looking at his bare feet.
Insecurity grabs me around the throat; squeezing the life from me. I tentatively reach out to him; only a fraction. He doesn’t notice as I quickly change my mind. I withdraw my hand.
“Have I given you reason to doubt the fact that I like you? Really like you? I’ve been sending enough vibes.”
“Yes, you have. It’s me.”
“It’s not you, it’s me. Are you fucking kidding me? That old chestnut, huh?”
“It is me!” I shout, my anger coming to the fore. “I’m not very good at this. I’ve been mistaken before. I rushed in head first, completely losing my cool with this guy, and he yanked the rug from underneath my feet. Ever since, I’ve been off kilter, and vowed I would never rush into anything ever again.”
“I understand.” His tone is a lot softer. “All I’m asking is to spend time with you. I want to get to know you. I wouldn’t keep showing up here if I wasn’t interested.”
“I know, and I appreciate your time. I love spending mine with you, but I’m afraid to get dragged off into romance land, never to return, or ever be the same again if things don’t go as I hope.”
“Everyone has those doubts,” he says, brushing a stray strand of hair from my eyeline. His hand rests at the side of my head, and instinctively, I turn my cheek to feel the heat from his palm. We’re silent for a few seconds, both of us enjoying the moment. “I’ll stop by Grumpy’s later today. I’ll walk you home then we can come back here, order in, and see where the night leads.”
“Okay.”
“I have a couple of days before I have to return to London, but trust me when I say, I will be back.”
“Sounds good to me.” I return his smile. I believe every word he said to me. I would hate for what I’m feeling inwardly to be displayed outwardly. He does not need to see me dancing around, punching the air like a total lunatic. So, I remain calm.
“It sounds good to me too, Jersey Girl.”
When he uses that, when he calls me that, my erratic heart flutters uncontrollably.
Calm has escaped. Calm is not a word I’d use to describe how I’m feeling right now.
The last two days have whizzed past us faster than the speed of light. We have packed so much into the time we’ve spent together, but now it’s time to say goodbye. I hope not forever.
Their flight leaves in less than half an hour, and if they’re not careful, they’ll miss the short journey back to London. I feel his need to stay, and I’m happy in the knowledge he’s finding it difficult to tear himself away, but I need this to be over sooner rather than later. I need him out of sight so I can go ahead and look forward to the time when we’ll see each other again.
“See you soon, Jersey Girl.” He places one last lingering still kiss on my lips – unmoving. When I open my eyes, his penetrate me so deeply, I feel another piece of my heart fall.
“Don’t leave it too long,” I warn.
“You have my word. I’ll be back.”
Raven and Connor pick up their carry-on bags and walk towards the gate. Benny links my arm with hers and we watch them walk away. The pain of watching the distance between us increase halts us both. With no words shared, I can feel her heartache radiating from within.
Although he made a promise, I can’t deny the stab of uncertainty as they wave in our direction and disappear out of sight.
“I need a drink,” I announce.
“Can’t. We’re having a dry couple of weeks, remember?”
“Oh, crap. This day gets worse and worse.”
“It’s not forever, and besides, we have lots to deal with.”
“We do?”
“Yes. We still have to figure out how to get me out of a marriage.”
“Something will come up. I have no doubt.”
“I hope you’re right. Come on. Let’s go home and sulk.”
I’m glad she suggested that’s what we do, because it was my plan the moment I saw Connor disappear from my view.
An hour later, we’re sitting in the lounge, sipping on coffee, and eating our body weight in soft bake cookies. I feel fat and unhealthy, but that doesn’t stop me from ramming another cookie into my mouth, following it up with a mouthful of coffee to wash it down.
Christmas is in a coup
le of weeks, so Benny suggests taking our minds off the men in our lives. We get out our favourite festive decorations and make this apartment look like Santa’s grotto.
A few hours pass, and we’re tinselled up to the eyeballs. Fresh batteries are in our musical decorations, and the tree is glowing with white twinkling lights.
“I need to take a shower,” I announce, then walk into my room. Just as I’m stripping down, I get two text alerts simultaneously.
Grumpy ~ Bad news. I’ll need you to work Christmas Day and Boxing Day. Please don’t let me down.
I respond straight away, because I’m ecstatic.
Me ~ I would never let you down.
Not only does this mean I get double pay for working the holiday, but it also means I don’t have to be around Benny’s parents for the few days she was planning to spend there. I feel bad that my best friend will have to suffer those people alone, but at the same time, I’m so happy. I punch the air with my fist.
Connor ~ Home safe and sound. I miss you already. Xxx
Me ~ I miss you too xx
I make my way back into the lounge, but Benny is nowhere in sight. I gently tap on her door and enter. “What’s up?” she asks, as she removes her sweater.
“Grumpy needs me to work over Christmas. I’m sorry, but you’ll be spending the time alone with your folks.”
“Are you sure? It means you’ll be here alone.” I love that she’s worried about me. Always thinking of me before herself, even when I’ve just told her I won’t be there to hold her hand when things get tough with her parents.
“I’ll be at the bar most of the time. I’ll be surrounded by drunken idiots and Rob, so I’ll hardly be alone.” We both laugh.
“Okay, but I’ll miss you.”
“I’ll miss you too, but I have to think of the money.”
“I know, and I’m only off work because my father is the boss. If things were different, I’d be working too. People still need hotel rooms, and the hotel is fully booked for two whole weeks. I know they’ll manage without me, but they shouldn’t have to.” There she goes again – thinking of others. “I’d much rather work and let one of the girls who have a husband and small children have the time off. They hate me enough because my father owns the hotel. They hate me even more at this time of the year because I’m always off.”