by J A Heron
“Here and there.” I could go into a long, detailed description of how my parents died, Lisa betrayed me, and I’m basically alone in the world, but I just don’t think I’m ready yet. I’d like to tell him that my only family is the person coming to visit today, but something tells me he’ll see right through my lies.
“Could you tell me more?”
That’s more like it. A closed-ended question. “No.”
“Why not?”
Damn it. I walked right into that one.
“I’m sorry. I’m not feeling these sessions are going to help me just yet. I want to talk about all the crap that is my life, all the same shit you’ve heard a million times before, but it’s not happening. Not yet anyway.”
“Why do you think that is?”
I’m quite sure he’s not actually listening to me, but practising Psychology for Dummies, as per the handbook. “Because… I’m not ready yet,” I say a little more sternly. “Sometime in the future, perhaps.”
“That’s fine, but I want you to think about this question before our next session. If you promise me you’ll think about it, and try to answer as honestly as possible, I promise I won’t push too hard. Deal?”
I think about his proposition for a moment, scrutinising him with my cautious glare. What is he up to? I suppose I have nothing to lose. “Deal.” I agree to move our doctor/patient relationship along a step and wait for him to drop whatever it is on me.
The bomb is dropped all right. “If you were to die this evening with no opportunity to communicate with anyone, what would you most regret not having told anyone?”
“That’s an extremely good question, Doctor.” His smirk is all-knowing. He knows he’s cut right to the core of my problems, and depending what my answer will be, it could be the start of a friendship, and a deep level of trust between us. I know he has to adhere to patient/doctor confidentiality and all that malarkey, and he’s finally showing signs that he can actually help me deal with the baggage I carry around, but I feel my guard slip, just a little. “I’ll be mulling that over until the next time we meet.”
“See you in a couple of days, Kat.” He’s effectively dismissing me. I stand up and walk out of his office without a backward glance.
Next stop, friends come to visit.
We squeal like we’ve not seen each other for weeks. It’s only been a few days. A tear slips down my cheek at the sight of her.
I hug my best friend, loathe to release her from my grasp, and ignoring the look of pity from Raven as I hold on to Benny for longer than necessary. I don’t want to let her go, ever. I’ve no doubt she’s here to keep me abreast of the situation back home, and help me along with my recovery. It feels so good to have her near.
When I finally let go of Benny, a large, strong hand touches my shoulder.
“Great to see you doing so well,” Raven says, with sincerity in his eyes.
“Thanks, Raven. I’m doing okay. Come on, guys. Let’s sit down. Can I get you some coffee, or tea? Something stronger?” I laugh. My little joke was a step over the mark, I think, because they don’t laugh. “Come on. It’s funny, right?”
“Not really.” Benny frowns at me.
“So, tell me…” I need to change the subject, fast. “What’s been happening while I’ve been away?”
“Not much. Anyway, we’re here to see how you’re doing.” I feel a serious conversation coming on and I’m not prepared to deal with it.
“Okay, spit it out.” I’m annoyed that my best friend wants to beat me up for all my wrongdoings while I’m in rehab.
I want to grill Raven about Connor. I want to ask him if he’s asked about me. I want to believe that he may still have feelings for me, even though he’s been banging my sister. I feel my blood’s temperature raise to boiling point. The affections I had for him resurface, even though he’s treated me so despicably.
“Do you remember what the doctor said right before he discharged you?”
“Of course I remember. I’m not deaf.” Benny’s serious expression drops, displaying a wounded one in its place. “Sorry.”
“I just want you to take this seriously. I don’t want to bury my best friend before she’s thirty.”
“I am taking this very seriously. I’m here to get better, and I promise to stay away from the drink.” As I say this, a little doubt enters my mind. I hope the promise I just made is one I can keep. After all, I’ve broken them before.
As I make my vow to the people in front of me, I hear the doctor’s words echo in my mind.
‘Your liver shows some signs of damage, and if you continue to drink at the rate you are, then you increase your risk of liver disease. You’re a generally fit and healthy young woman, which is always good to have on our side, but if you continue to drink, the risk rises significantly.
Mrs Hobbs and I have agreed that the best facility is in London and they can take you today.’
While I was out of it, Benny, Audrey, and my doctor were in cahoots, arranging my life and taking it upon themselves to check me into a rehab centre. I’ll always be grateful for them not only showing me such great compassion, but also having my best interests at heart.
A wave of self-pity swarms over me. It’s a feeling I’m not easy with, but it hits with the force of a thousand bees protecting their honey. The sting of the alien feeling causes the words to tumble out of my mouth before I can stop them. “I’m a hopeless case. You should all just walk away from me and never look back.”
“Pull your head out of your arse, get a grip, and focus! I’m so sick of your ‘woe is me’ bullshit.” My mouth hangs open at Benny’s outburst. “Sorry.”
“You’re right. I need to stay positive, so why can’t I ‘get a grip’ as you put it?”
“You’re doing fine,” she assures me. “It’s going to be tough, but you’re strong, and you’ve been in worse situations than this.” She wafts the air around her.
“Yeah, I suppose so. I got through some deep shit a while back, so this should be a breeze.” We both laugh, and it feels good for the negative energy around us to neutralise slightly.
Raven remains quiet, holding onto Benny’s hand. “So, what’s happening here then?” I ask, looking down at their hand holding. “I still don’t know how you two got together.”
“He saved me,” Benny simply says, like it’s the most natural thing.
I watch as Raven stares into her eyes, and the loving expression there melts my heart. So much so, I long for a certain someone to look at me in the same way. I shrug off the feeling and shake my head, trying to rid the thoughts and memories of him. “It was like a scene from Dirty Dancing or something. He walked into my parents’ place, told them I wasn’t going to marry Giles, and whisked me away. It was so romantic.” If the girl gushes much more, we’ll both be swept away by a landslide of my vomit.
“Aww, so sweet,” I say, trying hard to keep my jealousy of her relationship at bay. I’m pleased for her. Lord knows she deserves some happiness. She’s had it coming for a long time, but I can’t help wondering, when is it my turn?
I have a major obstacle to overturn before I can think about changing my future. I must deal with my present, and although my past is what I’ve been through, it’s not me; it’s not who I am. It’s helped to mould me, but I’m not defined by all that history.
As Benny and Raven continue to show their love for each other, I continue to plan my positivity for the day. Little mantras keep me focused.
A little progress each day will amount to something much bigger.
Your life does not get better by chance, it gets better by change.
I repeat these over and over in my head, until Benny notices my expression. “What is it?” she asks. I think she spotted me rolling my eyes.
“It’s nothing.”
“Tell me. I can help you.”
“I know you can, but…”
“Kat!”
“It’s silly.”
“Let me be the judge of that.”
“Okay. I have this thing I do. It helps me. Since I’ve been here, I say these quotes in my head, and every time I think I’m going to fail, I just repeat them over and over, and they calm me. They soothe the cravings that are on the brink of surfacing to the top.”
“What are they?” I repeat the two I just thought of to Benny. “Why would you think they’re silly? They sound perfect to me. I think that if you need to do whatever it takes to get you to the other side of this nightmare, then you should do it.”
“I’m trying.”
“I know you are, and that’s why I’m incredibly proud of you.”
“You are?” I ask, shocked.
“Yes, of course I am. You’re the bravest woman I know, you silly thing.”
“I don’t feel very brave. I feel weak.” My eyes drop to the floor, and I’m slightly embarrassed.
She reaches for my hand, and when my eyes meet hers, the look she gives me floors me; it’s a look of admiration. “You’re so much stronger, braver, and kickass than you give yourself credit for. All the things you’ve been through, all the pain and suffering, and yet here you are, embarking on another difficult journey. I know you’re going to make it. I know you’ll kick this drinking issue to the curb, just like you’ve kicked everything else. Be patient and kind to yourself. You’re going to meet parts of you you won’t like, and that will be harder than anything you’ve had to face before. It’s going to be hell. It will be a battle, but you’ll win the war. I know it.”
“Thank you.” I mouth the words, afraid of how my voice will sound if I were to say them out loud.
“You’re welcome,” she mouths back. I can see emotions so strong in her eyes, she’s afraid to speak out loud too.
I cough then swallow down the lump in my throat. I want to change the subject, as it’s all got profoundly serious. I love that she can talk to me like I’m the most important person in her life. We tell each other everything and anything, and she knows everything about me. She knows all about how my parents died coming to help me with Lisa the night she got so drunk at a party she couldn’t stand up. She knows all about how Lisa blamed me for their death, claimed the life insurance that was meant for the both of us, then took off with that guy, Jack. I have no idea what happened to him. She knows Lisa has gradually been trying to worm herself back into my good graces of late, and she’s been supportive when I’ve told her where to go. Benny also knows recent events. She knows that my affections for Connor were not reciprocated, and he’s now shacked up somewhere with the sister who almost pulled the wool over my eyes. Who almost fooled me into believing she’d reformed.
If Connor wants to be with someone like that, then I guess I dodged a bullet. He’s welcome to her.
It doesn’t stop me from wanting to ask Raven all kinds of crazy questions, and I want to call Audrey to ask her if she’s heard from him. I want so many answers to all the questions floating around in my messed-up head, but I’m too afraid to ask.
I need time. That’s all this is, and once I’m out of here, my sobriety intact, my mental health restored, and my confidence replenished, then I can finally get my life back on track.
We chat casually for a little while longer. I tell her about some of the other people here. I recount the story of the day in the garden, and Benny laughs so loud I have to tell her to shut it. I tell her about Dr. Hart, and Claudia, and some of the other staff, and how nice they all are. However, while we’re talking, I can’t stop the thoughts occurring to me. What will happen when I leave here? Will I have a home to go to, or a job? For all I know, Benny and Raven are already making plans to live together, and I will be homeless once again. I wonder if Grumpy has forgiven me for robbing him.
Each time these questions reappear, I have to remind myself to jump one hurdle at a time. I’m not superwoman. I can’t jump two or three in one go.
“Visiting time is over,” Claudia announces from the doorway. Multiple chairs scrape back against the wooden floor as the many guests stand and say goodbye to their loved ones. I sense most people are in a rush to get out of here, feeling uncomfortable in this place.
If I could leave, I would.
I have so much to overcome first.
I hug Benny so tight as I say goodbye. Who knows how long it’ll be before I see her again? Raven and I share sort of a half hug, not fully going in like good friends, but a little off to the side, like acquaintances. “You’ll be out of here before you know it,” he whispers. I give him an appreciative smile, silently thanking him for sharing a smidgen of support, even though he doesn’t know me that well.
“I’ll be back again. I don’t know when,” Benny says, as I hug her one last time before she walks through the doors.
“Don’t you go forgetting about me,” I shout at her retreating back. She turns her head to look over her shoulder, and graces me with the most warm and caring smile she’s ever given me.
I stand in the reception area long after the door has closed, shutting out the rest of the world from this place. It’s lonely here, and apart from Jess, I have no one. Where she is, I don’t know. She could be having a little afternoon pleasure somewhere.
The intercom buzzes, just like it did for me the first day I arrived here. “That’ll be the new arrival,” Claudia announces, coming from behind the reception desk. I stand, pretending to read the notice board, but really, I’m waiting to see who the fresh meat is, mainly because I’m nosey. I’m happy that I’ll no longer be the newbie here, and whoever walks through that door will take that nickname.
“Come on in,” Claudia says, then presses an unseen button for the doors to open. A man enters. My eyes travel upwards. Long legs dressed in dark blue denim that go on for ages tell me this guy is tall. He’s wearing a white shirt underneath a black leather jacket. But when I reach his face, he’s someone I recognise.
He doesn’t see me as he walks through the reception area. His eyes scan all over the place, taking in the beauty of this magnificent house. He greets Claudia at the desk, and as they converse, his eyes smile warmly at her. I wonder if he’s here of his own accord, or if his loved ones planned an intervention.
The familiarity of his features baffles me. Where the hell have I seen him before? I scan through my memory bank of lovers past, but come up short. I’d know if I’d slept with this guy; he’s smoking hot.
I tap my finger against my lips, my mind in a hazy fog, trying to place this guy.
Then it hits me.
Oh, shit.
Dan.
His eyes meet mine, and I can see by his expression he’s trying to place me. I could be mistaken. Perhaps he’s wondering who the crazy rehab girl is who keeps staring. I look away, pretending to look at something interesting posted on the notice board again. I wait for a few moments then nonchalantly walk away. As soon as I make it up the stairs to the first floor, I run full pelt towards my room. I slam the door shut then drop on the bed, face planting the pillows with an exasperated sigh. I’ve not seen him since… since that night. The night he walked away. The night my parents died.
I wonder if he made it as a doctor. My thoughts are silly. I’m guessing he wouldn’t be in a place like this if he was a doctor. But then again, I suppose doctors get addicted to things. So many thoughts whizz frantically, I can barely keep up.
I hear a knock on the door, and I’m too afraid to answer it. Surely Claudia wouldn’t give out my room number to any strange man. I grow some cajones, pull myself from the bed, and gingerly walk towards the door. “Who is it?” I ask, apprehensive about the reply that will follow.
“It’s Jess. Let me in.” I swing the door open, grab her by the arm, and pull her in, slamming the door in a flash. “What the fuc…?”
“Is he there? Did you see him?”
“What? Who?”
“The guy. The blonde, down in reception.” My words come out in a rush of breath and hot air.
“I have no idea who you’re talking about.” She stands with her hand on her hip, g
iving me the stink eye. She’s more concerned with the potential bruises I may have inflicted on her upper arm than my racing heartbeat.
“Did you see him? The new guy?”
“Oh, yes. The tall man. The tall blonde man. The extremely sexy-looking, tall blonde man.”
“Yes, that’s him.” When I turn around to face her, she has a salacious grin on her face, and she winks at me. “I thought you were here for drug addiction, not get in every guy’s pants in this place addiction.”
“You can’t blame a girl for wanting a slice of action to numb the boring, can you?”
“What about the guy in the garden?”
“What about him?” She giggles.
“Tramp,” I say with a louder giggle. She knows I’m kidding, and if I had her amazing looks, her confidence, I’d be doing the same thing.
“You know it.” She chuckles. “Who is he anyway? Do you know him?”
“Yes. No. Err… I don’t know. We were at school together, but only briefly. He left, my parents died, I reached out to him, he was busy, it was all very… brief,” I tell her, spinning her the condensed version of our extremely limited time as friends.
“Your parents died. How?”
“You’re not Dr. Hart. Leave it,” I warn her. I’m in no mood to focus on that part of my life. Besides, I think it’s wise I leave all that scrambled history for Dr. Hart to decipher.
“Okay, moody.” She cheekily sticks her tongue out at me. I return the sentiment. We’re behaving like a couple of schoolgirls.
“Go downstairs. Grab something, anything, and see where he is now. See if you can see which floor he goes to, or better yet, what room he goes into.” I’m not ashamed to beg for her to do this for me. “Please,” I say, drawing out the word.
“Fine, but you owe me.” She points at me as she passes me by.
I sit wringing my hands together the whole time she’s gone, wondering what’s going on. She seems to have been gone ages, and in my head, she’s having sex with him in a small dark corner somewhere. If he’s in for sex addiction, I wouldn’t put it past her, or him, for that matter.