Those Mid-Life Blues

by Caroline Campbell

  ‘No squash?’ Joan jumped up.

  ‘Martin, you startled me. I didn’t see you standing there.’

  ‘I am sorry.’

  ‘How long have you been standing there?’

  ‘Not long.’ He smiled to himself but he’d been there long enough to see her bottom cocked out ready for him to sit on.

  ‘I’ll have to do some shopping tomorrow.’ This was proving harder than he thought. The temptation was great. All he wanted to do right now was take her in his arms and kiss her, make love to her. He knew what it was like to have sex with a woman, but this was different, he wanted her so badly that his body ached with desire.

  ‘Joan, are you ready to go?’

  ‘Ready when you are.’

  ‘Shall we go in your car or mine, I don’t mind if we go in my car tonight.’

  Martin’s car was known for breaking down. He drove an old Ford Fiesta that was only fit for the scrap yard. Joan owned an X reg Coupe which drove like a dream.

  ‘I think we’d better go in yours, wouldn’t you say?’

  ‘Yes, I think we’d better especially after our last experience.’

  They both recalled, it was on their last date that Martin’s car broke down in the middle of nowhere. They were on their way to a new restaurant in Kent. Martin had done the restaurant's design for the front of the restaurant.

  He’d been invited to the opening and decided to share the experience with Joan. They arrived in Kent but got lost and then Martin’s tyre had a puncture. The spare tyre was also flat and Martin’s phone was dead and, as luck had it, Joan left her mobile at home.

  In search of help, Joan knocked on the window of a car that was parked up on the side of the road. She peered into the window only to see a young couple virtually naked, exchanging their tongues and saliva. Joan knocked on the window of the car and the young man frantically pulled up his trousers, held unto his balls and literally turned blue. His girlfriend had no top on and sure enough Martin remembered trying to take a peak. It was funny because Joan was more concerned about the couple catching a cold and if they were married or not.

  ‘Joan, I thought we’d go to a Caribbean restaurant.’

  ‘If you don’t mind, I’d like to go somewhere else.’

  ‘OK, where would you like to dine tonight, Miss Anderson? Your wish is my command.’

  ‘I quite fancy a Chinese meal tonight.’

  ‘That sounds great. Pecking a la duck here we come.’ Martin held his hand out to Joan and led her towards the front door.’

  ‘Quit holding hands, Martin.’

  ‘Oh come on, Joan, you mean I can’t even hold your hand.’

  ‘No, Martin.’

  ‘It’s only my hand, it’s not like you’re holding something else.’

  ‘Martin, if I thought for one minute I couldn’t trust you, I wouldn’t be going out with you for dinner. However, because I know you respect my wishes, I mean you really do respect my wishes and because I know that you still want us to be friends, good friends, then I’ll ignore that remark. Am I making myself clear, Martin?’ She smiled at him and he saluted.

  ‘You’re making yourself loud and very clear ma’am.’

  ‘Now open that door and let’s go.’ She was feisty and funny. This was going to be a great night he thought just as long as the good Lord helped Larry to behave and stay down.

  As they made their way toward the lift Martin tried his best not to look at her, at least not for the moment, not until Larry fell asleep. Within seconds the lift arrived and thoughts of being locked inside the lift with Joan ran through his mind.

  ‘Martin, you sounded a little down earlier.’

  ‘Did I?’

  ‘This afternoon, don’t you remember?’

  ‘Yes, you’re right.’ But he wasn’t paying too much attention to the question.

  ‘Well, were you down?’ Martin was distracted by the caretaker whose tongue needed picking up off the floor. He was probably visualising what he could do with Joan’s rear end, thought Martin.

  ‘Watch the floor, my love.’ John the caretaker was sweeping the floor in the front lobby. He was around sixty-two but looked a lot older. His eyes were fixed on Joan’s bottom and Martin caught him in the act. So he stood right behind Joan to block John’s view. It was certainly a good feeling, thought Martin, if only things were different. He would do anything right now to press himself against her ample bottom.

  Her blue coupe was conveniently parked in front of his apartment block. He stood by the driver’s door and waited for her to find her car keys.

  ‘I’m terrible with keys. I really am, now here we are.’

  ‘Joan, shall I drive?’

  ‘Sure.’ She trusted him; besides, her feet were hurting. It had been a hard day at the office and if he was offering to drive she was only too grateful.

  She watched him as he took reign of the steering wheel. He mastered the car well as they drove through Hammersmith. She looked at him a few times with the corner of her eyes. He was bald but cute with it and she liked him, she liked him a lot. He made her laugh, he was extremely charming and kind but she also sensed there was a side to him that was hard for anyone to reach.

  She often wondered to herself why he wasn’t married. She knew he didn’t have any children and the thought had crossed her mind a few times that if she wasn’t a practising Christian the chances were she’d have easily encouraged his advances. There had been occasions when in his company she wanted him to hold her, even kiss her. It was a mental struggle to rebuke those feelings of lust that tried to overtake her and most times she succeeded but the reality was, they were two different people and unequally yoked. On that basis alone Joan resigned herself to the fact that they could only be friends but it didn’t stop her praying that one day he’d come to church with her.

  ‘So what have you been up to Joan?’

  ‘Did you say something … I was thinking.’

  ‘Thinking … I hope you were thinking about me?’ He laughed.

  ‘Now why would I be thinking about you?’ answered Joan.

  ‘Why wouldn’t you be thinking about me, I wish you would think about me more often?’

  ‘Well you’re right. I was thinking about you. I was wondering if you’ll come to church with me one day.’

  ‘Joan, it’s not for me, we both know that.’

  ‘That’s not true, Martin. What are you afraid of?’

  ‘I’m not afraid of anything.’

  ‘Well, Martin, if you’re not afraid, what's the problem?’

  ‘I’ll come and sooner than you think, I promise you that but don’t expect for one minute that I’ll be converted from my sinful ways. How could I be? I mean, that equates to no fornicating, right?’

  ‘Yep, that’s right.’

  ‘Well, there you go. I’d fail time and time again. I mean I can’t abstain, not even in my dreams, especially when I’m thinking about you.’

  She gave him a hard look but he was too busy trying to park the car to notice her glaring eye.

  ‘Friends, Martin, remember that and that means respect me.’

  ‘Forgive me, it’s just that I like you, I like you a lot. Is that a crime? Have I sinned because I like you Joan?’

  ‘Martin, I like you a lot. I enjoy your company but I’m a friend, a special friend, I hope.’

  ‘Joan, I’ve never had a female friend, I told you that when we first met. This is alien for me.’

  ‘So you’ve never had a female friend, but that’s no excuse. You’ll have to learn to how to control your feelings. I do and I don’t think to myself, gosh, I’ve got a male friend, let me get him into bed as quick as I can.’

  ‘I know Joan, you’ve told me a thousand times before, but that doesn’t mean it’s any easier for me. When I’m in your company, I just melt.’

  ‘Martin, you’ve got me as a friend and I’ll always be there for you in whichever way I can, OK.’

  ‘Yeah, but not in the way I’d like. I’d
like a relationship with you, not necessarily a sexual one but I’d like more than just friendship.’

  ‘Martin, that’s how it’s going to be. We’re going to be friends and that’s that. Anyway, I’m starving and besides let’s just enjoy our evening.’

  She turned towards him and for a moment he felt close to her and with no apprehension, he placed his hand in hers. Her hands were warm and soft; her touch aroused him and awakened Larry again but Martin wasn’t sure how much of this he could take. The agonising throbbing in his pants was unbearable.

  ‘Martin Truman, one day you’ll find happiness and whoever you settle down with, she’ll be the luckiest woman alive because you, my friend, are a wonderful guy.’

  He moved towards her and kissed her softly on the cheek and then he burst into a fit of laughter. ‘Joan Anderson, you’re unbelievable. What would I do without you?’

  He laughed because here he was with a lady dressed up to her neck, baring not even an ounce of flesh for the imagination to play with and yet she was sexy. She was so damn sexy and he wanted her. He couldn’t understand what she did to him but whatever it was it was addictive.

  Since they’d left his apartment he’d been struggling with an erection that was just about ready to burst out of his trousers and here he was in the car with her, wanting to tell her how much he cared for her, wanting to tell her the only thing he craved, was her and not the cuisine from Peking à la Duck. Why was it all so complicated and why was she a Christian. After all Pamela Anderson was a Christian and she showed off her assets, especially those tits but it was obvious, there was no chance with Joan. She was straight down the line.

  ‘Why are you laughing?’

  ‘No reason Joan.’

  ‘No come on, share the joke.’

  ‘It’s nothing.’ He was lying and she knew it but she let it go.

  He was a gentleman and opened the door as she got out of the car. ‘May I take your hand, madam, and lead you into the restaurant.’

  ‘You don’t give up do you?’ she looked up at him and smiled.

  ‘Madam, I’m just escorting you to the restaurant.’ But he wished he could escort her into his bedroom, peel off her granny clothes and have his wicked way with her, although holding her hand was far better than nothing at all.

  As they stepped into the restaurant they heard a young man with a terrible voice singing happy birthday to his mother.

  ‘Isn’t that sweet,’ said Joan as they were being led to their table by a very slim lady.

  Martin’s tone was quite sharp. ‘Yes, wonderful.’

  He took one look at the waitress who led them to their table and noted she was very pretty but far too skinny. He was an absolute gentleman and pulled out a chair for his lady then positioned his chair next to hers. Any nearer and he’d be sitting in her lap. It wasn’t too long before they ordered soft drinks followed by duck in plum sauce with Singapore fried rice, lobster in oyster sauce and stir fried vegetables. Joan was enjoying her meal and couldn’t wait for dessert and Martin was enjoying her company and didn’t want the night to end, at least not like this. He had plenty of sweet delights to give her and it wasn’t banana fritters and ice cream.

  ‘You’re not eating. What's the matter?’

  ‘I’ve lost my appetite.’

  ‘Well, you know what they say, don’t waste your food.’

  ‘Go ahead and tuck in,’ said Martin and he pushed his plate towards her and without hesitation she helped herself to a large portion of his crispy duck.

  ‘I don’t normally eat this much, only it’s the time of the month. I get these really bad cravings, you know how it is?’

  ‘Not quite, Joan.’

  ‘No, of course you don’t, silly old me.’ She paused for a moment then she looked into his eyes. ‘Martin, you’re not your usual self-tonight. What’s bothering you?’

  He wanted to make love to her, that’s what the problem was or maybe she knew he wanted to and she was happy to torture him. It dawned on him, maybe that’s how Mary felt when she wanted Tony to bone her, frustrated, or maybe Tony was the frustrated one because he couldn’t.

  ‘I was thinking about my friend Tony.’

  ‘Tony Manning?’

  ‘Yep that’s him, Tony the designer.’

  ‘He’s so cute.’

  ‘Well, that’s a matter of opinion, he’s OK.’

  ‘What’s the problem?’

  ‘Well, Joan, it’s a bit technical.’

  ‘Technical … Martin, you make it sound complex.’

  ‘In some ways it is.’

  ‘How so, do you want to talk about it?’

  ‘I’m not sure if I should but it’s bothering me.’

  ‘You can trust me, whatever you say stays with me.’ He paused for a moment, then took a deep breath.

  ‘Well, my friend’s been married for twenty-three years. He adores his wife, I mean he worships the very ground she walks on. Anyway a week or so ago I met up with him and my other friend Mark.’

  ‘That’s the joker, right?’

  ‘You could say that yes. There are other words I could use to describe him but yes he’s a joker. Well, my friend begins to open up to me and Mark about his problems. Anyway it turns out that he’s impotent.’

  ‘Wow, that’s heavy,’ said Joan but she continued to bury her head into her plateful of food. She was still determined to get through her lobster if it killed her. She finished a mouthful of duck, proceeded to attack the lobster but then stopped herself and looked up at Martin.

  ‘My father was impotent for three years. Actually, my mother told me that after they were divorced and then shortly after that he died.’

  ‘You mean she divorced him because he couldn’t get it up?’

  ‘No silly, they divorced for a whole bunch of reasons. I suppose they didn’t love each other anymore and if I remember correctly, his impotence was the result of a medical condition.’

  Martin was intrigued. ‘Really, tell me more.’

  ‘I don't actually remember what the condition was but I’m sure he died because of it. God rest his soul.’

  ‘Would your mother know?’

  ‘Probably, I can ask her if you like.’

  ‘If you don’t mind but are you telling me that your dad may have died because he may have had a condition relating to impotence? That’s quite concerning?’

  ‘If you want me to I’ll call my mother right away.’

  Martin raised his eyebrows. ‘What here?’

  ‘Why not, it’s no bother to me,’ said Joan.

  ‘OK, Joan but lower your voice and don’t mention any names.’

  Joan picked up her bag and out came her mobile phone. Martin moved his chair closer to hers and reminded her to keep her vocals down.’

  ‘Mum ... hi, it’s Joan ... what ... what ... you can’t hear me speak up ... OK .... What was the name of Dad’s condition? Yeah, that’s the one … Couldn’t have an erection.’

  It was obvious Joan’s mother was deaf because she was shouting and the bad connection on the line didn’t help the situation. Martin was totally embarrassed. He wished the earth would swallow him up and he gestured to her, ‘time out’. That didn’t seem to work. The couple on the table next to them were laughing and he wanted to die. He grunted at her, ‘Cut the conversation.’

  ‘OK, Mum. I’ll be sure to come round on Sunday for dinner, yes Mum, fried chicken … yep ... Mum, I really do have to go. When am I getting married? ... Mum I’ve got to go … Yes, Mum we’ll speak soon … Byeeee.

  Joan turned to Martin and let out a giggle.

  ‘Maybe I shouldn’t have called.’

  ‘Yeah, bad mistake, your vocals were loud.’

  ‘As you’ve probably gathered, mum’s a little deaf and there’s a bad connection in here. Anyway Dad died of prostate cancer.’

  ‘You’re kidding.’ He didn’t recall prostate cancer as being one of the medical conditions associated with the male menopause or erectile dysfunction.

>   ‘Martin, maybe Tony’s under stress, we all know what that's like or maybe he’s going through a mid-life crisis.’

  ‘Yeah, well I know what it’s like to feel stressed. I’m under an immense amount of stress at this particular moment.’

  Joan laughed. ‘Martin you’re not stressed, but I’ll pray for

  Tony and yes I’ll pray for you too.’

  ‘Yep that can work.’

  ‘Are you being sarcastic?’

  ‘I’m not being sarcastic but somehow I don’t think he's going to listen to me if I say, Tony don’t you worry, God will fix your erectile dysfunction.’

  ‘He might.’

  ‘Trust me on this Joan.’

  ‘Well, there’s power in prayer for him and for you … Oh well, Martin, you’ll just have to support him the best way you can.’

  ‘I do, the last time we met I shared some of my experiences.’

  Joan chuckled.

  ‘Joan, do you have to laugh?’

  ‘Not really.’

  ‘I told him I went through a kind of male menopausal depression similar to his problem a few years ago.’

  ‘Is that so? Well, how similar?’

  ‘Well, Joan, I went to the other extreme. I slept with everything and anything in sight just to prove I still had it in me to pull a woman.’

  ‘What and that’s changed?’

  ‘Yes. I’ve changed and I don’t need to pretend I’m twenty-one again to pull a woman. I’ve been there, done it and got the very expensive T-shirt.’

  ‘I’m listening.’

  ‘OK, Joan, it’s like this, a lot of women I’ve slept with were half my age.’

  Joan shook her head in disgust.

  ‘Heh, they were all consenting adults over the age of twenty-one. The youngest woman I ever slept with was twenty.’

  ‘Martin, I believe men who go after women half their age are insecure about themselves. You see them all the time with these young, busty, legs-up-to-their-neck, skinny women who eat a stick of celery for dinner.’

  ‘That was me Joan, I felt insecure about me, about who I was. That’s why I went for younger women. Mind you, they weren’t the skinny type. Anyway, that’s changed. I’m not like that anymore.’