by Lynn Ames
“Okay. I guess I’ll see you in two weeks.”
“Jay?”
Jay, who had turned to leave Trish’s office, looked back inquiringly.
“I want to hear from you every day to know how you’re doing. My heart is with you, kiddo. You two are going to get through this just fine.
You’re tough.”
“Thanks, Trish. Your support means a lot to me.” To Jay’s horror, tears sprang to her eyes.
“I’m here for you, Jay.”
Unable to say anything more, she merely nodded and fled the office.
Jay wandered the streets of New York aimlessly, trying in vain to process everything that had happened to her in the past twenty-four hours. The task was daunting. Never in her wildest imagination had she envisioned becoming such a public figure, and certainly not for the reason she found herself in the headlines that day. It was her job to chronicle others’ lives, not vice versa.
The late October wind was blowing, biting into Jay’s exposed skin, but she barely noticed. Her hands jammed into the pockets of her London Fog raincoat, she pushed forward, head bent and eyes on the ground.
They were only into day one of the news cycle and already the roof was beginning to cave in. What would happen when the next round of stories appeared?
Trish had said that reporters were inquiring about her work history and stories she had written. As a journalist herself, Jay knew the questions wouldn’t stop there. Everything in her life would become fair game. Old acquaintances would be interviewed and embarrassing incidents would be dragged out and laid bare for all the world to see. For Jay, this was the ultimate nightmare.
Growing up in her father’s house, knowing that the slightest misstep might lead to physical or sexual abuse, Jay strived to call as little attention to herself as possible. As an adult, she recognized that her need to fly below the radar as a child had been a necessary survival instinct.
Yet despite her knowledge that she was no longer in danger from her father or anyone else, the drive to do everything just right burned brightly in her still. The idea of having her life examined under a microscope, combined with the forthcoming public reprimand by her employer for Lynn Ames
showing poor judgment, made Jay wish that the earth would swallow her whole. She wanted desperately to run—to hide from the attention and the shame of having made such a colossal error.
“You’ll never amount to anything.”
She could hear her father’s oft-repeated words echoing loudly in her head. For years her silent refrain had been, “I’ll show you.”
She had worked so diligently to achieve success, and she had made it—or so she had thought. At the moment, however, she felt every bit the failure he had predicted she would be.
“Stupid, stupid, stupid,” she said, not realizing that she had spoken out loud.
She hadn’t even been able to bring herself to call Kate yet. She knew she needed to do it soon, though—Kate would be worried sick wondering what had happened in the meeting. With a heavy sigh, Jay turned and headed for her Greenwich Village apartment.
When she opened the door, she was accosted by a flying dog. Fred weaved his way in and out of her legs, his tail wagging madly. She looked up to see Kate standing there, smiling at the tableau.
Jay was flooded with a sense of relief at the sight of her. Crossing the room, she threw herself into Kate’s arms, fresh tears streaming down her face.
“Shh, it’s all right, love.” Kate stroked her back, rocking gently from side to side. “It’s all going to be all right.”
Jay continued to sob uncontrollably, all of the pent-up emotion pouring out of her soul.
Kate steered them over to the couch, pulling Jay down to sit on her lap. She stroked her hair, murmuring words of comfort, until it appeared that the tears were all spent.
Jay took the offered Kleenex and tried to catch her breath. “I’m so sorry, sweetheart. I didn’t mean for that to happen.”
Quietly, Kate said, “That’s been coming for a long time, baby. I’m glad you got it out of your system.” She tilted Jay’s face up to see her eyes more clearly. “Feel better now?”
“Not really.” Jay looked up beseechingly. “Kate? Am I a failure?”
“What? Honey, whatever would make you ask a question like that?”
Jay rested her forehead against the side of Kate’s neck. “When I was a little girl, my father always told me I’d be a failure—an outcast. And that I was lucky to have him, because no one else would ever want me.
Maybe he was right after all.”
Kate pulled back so that Jay had to lift her head. “You listen to me, Jamison Parker. You are one of the brightest, most talented, most successful women I know.”
“Kate—”
The Cost of Commitment
“No. Don’t say anything yet. I’m not finished.”
Jay’s jaw clicked shut, the words of protest dying on her lips.
“Jay, when you first told me about your father and the abuse, I told you that the things he said when you were young weren’t the truth. Baby, he was trying to control you the only way he knew how—by making you think you deserved what he did to you.”
Jay nodded, knowing that Kate was right.
“Sweetheart, you’re not that child anymore. You’re a grown, beautiful, successful woman.” Kate looked intently into Jay’s watery eyes. “I love you, Jamison Parker, and I want you for the rest of my life.
So your father can go scratch—he was wrong on all counts.”
“I screwed up so badly, Kate. I should have known better than to accept the assignment for that cover story. I knew full well that I was in love with you. I ignored every bit of ethics I’d ever learned. I did deserve what I got today.”
Kate, seemingly unable to sit still any longer, eased Jay onto the couch and stood up, balling her fists up, jamming them in her pockets and shaking her head vehemently. “That is not true. I don’t ever want to hear you say that again, Jay. The fact is, you were human, and so was I.
You might recall, I was the one who invited you to stay at my house instead of a hotel. I was the one who swept you off your feet into a hug when I met you at the train station. You wanted to keep professional distance, remember?”
Jay nodded imperceptibly.
Kate continued. “Your exact words, I believe, were, ‘How am I supposed to maintain professional distance with a greeting like that?’ Do you remember?”
“Yes.”
“Right. So if you’re so dead set on assigning blame, then you’d better lay it at my doorstep, because that’s where it belongs.”
As Jay started to say something, Kate placed two fingers over her mouth.
“What’s more, I’m the one who asked you out on a date. I asked you if you would consider staying an extra day, then I plotted a romantic day and evening, hoping I could win your heart. Me, Jay. I did all that, not you.”
“I could have said no.”
“Jay, you were falling in love, and you were human. Give yourself a break.”
“I had a job to do.”
“And you did it magnificently. Don’t you remember me telling you, after I’d read the advance issue of the magazine, how incredibly proud I was of you for that story?”
Lynn Ames
Jay nodded.
“Honey, that was a perfectly balanced, unbelievably fair piece. No one could have captured the nuances of the story the way you did. It was, frankly, one of the best written stories I’d ever read in that magazine.
And I will not stand here and have you apologize for it.”
“I got suspended today for exercising poor judgment. Standislau put out a statement telling the world that.”
Kate crossed back over to the couch. Using the same two fingers she had used to silence her moments earlier, she lifted Jay’s chin to meet her compassionate gaze. “He also told you you were one of the finest journalists he’d ever known and that he was standing by you and the story.”
After a second, Jay’s eyes narrowed and focused intently on Kate.
“How did you know that? And, while I’m at it, what are you doing here?”
Kate sat down, taking Jay’s hands in her own. “After you ran out of Trish’s office she got worried about you. So she called me and told me what happened.”
Jay sat up straighter, indignant. “She shouldn’t have done that. She had no business bothering you with my problems while you were at work.”
“Jay, she’s your friend and she was worried about you. I’m glad she called.”
“But you have responsibilities of your own.”
Kate pulled Jay into her arms. “There is nothing in the world more important to me than you, love. Your well-being means everything to me.
Do you have any idea how badly I wanted to be able to come with you to that meeting? It took all the self-restraint I had not to jump on the next train to the city after you called to tell me you’d been summoned.
Besides, by the time I went home and got Fred, the workday was almost over anyway.”
Jay looked out the window, surprised to see that it was full dark outside. She hadn’t realized she’d been walking that long. “Oh.” She didn’t know what else to say.
The ringing of the phone forestalled any further conversation.
Jay picked it up on the third ring. “Hello?”
“Jamison?”
Her face went white and her hands started to shake. Kate, who had been watching her, was at her side immediately.
“Jamison, is that you?”
“Yes, sir.”
Kate mouthed, “Who is it?”
Jay formed the words, “My father.”
The Cost of Commitment
Kate grabbed her free hand and held it tightly. In the five months they’d been together, she couldn’t remember Jay ever mentioning that she was still in touch with her parents, although they had briefly discussed her feelings about them.
The gruff voice said, “A friend of mine faxed me something he thought I might be interested in today.”
“Yes?”
“I’m sure you can guess what it was.”
“No, Dad, I’m sure I have no idea.” She rolled her eyes for Kate’s benefit.
“It was a copy of today’s New York Post. What is this garbage about you being...one of those people?” The disgust in his voice was plain.
Jay’s anger was rising. “If by ‘one of those people’ you mean a lesbian, then it’s true.”
“What?”
Jay reflexively recoiled in fear, but cleared her throat and continued,
“I said, it’s true. I am a lesbian.”
“I’ve never heard such a bunch of hooey in my life.”
“Sorry if you don’t approve, Dad, but it’s not up for debate, and I’m not asking your permission.” She had never spoken so boldly to her father before, but the presence of her six-foot, growling lover gave her courage.
“You will not talk to me like that, young lady.”
“Ted, calm down,” Jay’s mother, who had picked up an extension, interjected.
“Don’t tell me to calm down, Edith. This is our daughter we’re talking about, and no child of mine is going to be known as some pervert.”
“Dad, I am not a pervert, I am a lesbian. I am in love with a wonderful woman, and I have nothing to hide.”
“You have no idea what you’re talking about. I knew we should never have let you go to college with all those long-haired hippie freaks.”
“If you’re done, Dad, I’ve got things to do.”
“We’ll be finished when I say we are!” he boomed.
As Jay cringed, Kate, who could hear every word from where she was standing, visibly tensed as if to strike at him despite the fact that he was thousands of miles and two time zones away.
“The article questions your ethics,” he spat.
“I read the article, Dad.”
“What do your bosses say?”
“They are standing by me and the story.” Jay had no intention of telling her parents about her suspension.
“That’s nice, dear,” her mother chimed in.
Lynn Ames
“Who is this Katherine Kyle, anyway? And what has she done to poison your mind?”
“Kate is everything to me. For the first time in my life, I’m truly happy. So happy, in fact, that we’re planning a formal commitment ceremony, which is the closest thing we can have to a wedding.”
“Formal commitment ceremony?” He said it with distaste. “What on earth does that really mean? It’s not bad enough that you have this perversion? You have to go around and try to pretend that it’s normal?
I’ve never heard anything so ridiculous in my life.”
“I’m sorry you feel that way, Dad. In that case you won’t mind if we don’t invite you to the ceremony. Really, this has been a lovely conversation, but I’ve got to go. Bye.”
Jay could still hear her father’s rantings as she hung up the receiver.
She turned to Kate and buried her face in her chest, seeking comfort for the hurt inside that would never heal.
“I’ve got you, love. Shh. Don’t worry. He can’t hurt you anymore.
You don’t need him.”
“I know, Kate. But he’s the only father I’ve got, and, well, every time I talk to him I wish it could be different. I wish I could have a father who could be proud of me, who could love me for who I am and not find fault with everything I do.”
“I know, love, and so you should have. He’s not worth your tears, baby.”
“You’re right. Still, despite everything there’s some part of me that still cares what he thinks. And then I hate myself for caring.”
“Don’t hate yourself, baby. It’s natural to want a parent’s approval.
And it hurts when it’s not forthcoming. But you know who and how he is, and he’s not likely to change any time soon, is he?”
“No.” Jay wiped her eyes with the back of her hand. “And then there’s my mother, who just wants to keep the peace. God forbid she should stand up to him on my behalf.”
“Maybe she’s got her own issues, honey.”
“Probably.”
“In any case, that doesn’t excuse her behavior when you were a child.”
Jay sighed heavily. “Can we not talk about this anymore tonight, honey?”
“Of course.”
“I just want you to hold me.”
Kate pulled Jay tighter to her, effectively wrapping her in a cocoon of safety and security. They stayed like that for a very long time.
The Cost of Commitment
Kate held Jay tightly throughout the night, murmuring soft words of love and comfort long after her lover had fallen asleep. She was far too angry to sleep. That anyone would talk to his daughter the way Ted Parker had spoken to Jay was something she simply could not abide. If he had said those things in front of her, Kate was sure she would have torn him to pieces with her bare hands.
Jay was disconsolate, Kate knew. All she wanted was for her parents to love and cherish her. Instead she was disrespected and made to feel unworthy. Thinking about it, Kate felt a deep hatred well up inside her. It was a foreign and rather unwelcome sensation. She had never hated—
truly hated—anyone like she did Ted Parker. What he had done to Jay as a child was beyond comprehension, and the fact that he continued bullying her as an adult turned Kate’s insides to molten lava.
At 5:00 a.m. she slipped out of bed to go for a run and pick up the morning newspapers. Jay remained fast asleep, no doubt worn out by the emotional traumas of the previous day. When Kate returned, Jay was still asleep.
Stripping out of her running clothes, Kate stepped into the shower, where she allowed the pounding spray of hot water to help ease some of the tension from her body. When she had finished, she felt somewhat better and more in control of her emotions.
Watching Jay sleep, Kate was overcome by a desire to protect her.
S
he looked so young, so innocent. The depth of pain and suffering she had endured at her father’s hand had marked her in ways Kate was only just beginning to comprehend, but lying there with her eyes closed she looked like a beautiful angel.
Jay stirred.
“Hi, sweetheart. What are you doing?”
“Looking at you.”
“I see that. Come here, gorgeous.”
Kate moved across the room, her eyes never leaving those of her lover. When she got within several feet of the bed, she unfastened the towel from around her torso and let it fall to the floor.
Jay beckoned her forward with the crook of a finger. Her eyes were coal black with desire.
Their lips met in a slow dance that was equal parts love and passion.
Each savored the taste of the other, both cognizant of the preciousness of their bond. Losing themselves in the wonder of their love, they temporarily shut out the world beyond the borders of their bedroom.
Over breakfast, they examined the handful of newspapers laid out before them. As they had predicted, the second round of stories focused Lynn Ames
heavily on Jay’s tenure at Time, the stories she had covered, the people and events she had chronicled. The headlines ranged from the factual to the sensational.
“Magazine Takes Action to Preserve Integrity, ” said the bold print on page one of Newsday.
“Time Out for Lesbian Reporter,” read the headline in the Daily News.
The New York Post’s front page screamed, “Time-ing Is Critical for Parker.”
The nation’s top news magazine wasted no time taking action against a reporter whose ethics came into question yesterday in a Post exclusive. Jamison Parker, 24, was identified yesterday as the lesbian paramour of Katherine Kyle, the spokesperson for the New York State Department of Correctional Services and subject of a May cover story in Time that was written by Parker. It was research by this newspaper that revealed questions about whether Parker had, in fact, written the Kyle piece while she was involved with her romantically.
In a statement released late yesterday, Time managing editor Vander Standislau announced that Parker has been suspended for two weeks for “exercising poor judgment.”
Although the magazine continues to investigate the matter, Standislau said, “Time stands by the Kyle story as written, and by Jamison Parker.” Contacted later by the Post, Standislau refused to say what Parker’s future with the magazine would be.