Deep Surrendering: Episode Six

by Chelsea M. Cameron

  Table of Contents

  Cover

  Titlepage

  Copyright

  Chapter One

  Chapter Two

  Chapter Three

  Chapter Four

  Chapter Five

  Chapter Six

  Chapter Seven

  Chapter Eight

  Chapter Nine

  Chapter Ten

  Chapter Eleven

  Chapter Twelve

  Bonus Scene from Fin

  Books by Chelsea M. Cameron

  Acknowledgements

  About the Author

  Deep Surrenderings, Episode 6

  Copyright © 2014 Chelsea M. Cameron

  www.chelseamcameron.com

  P.O. Box 241

  New Harbor, ME 04554

  This is a work of fiction. Names, characters, places and incidents are either the product of the author’s imagination or are use fictitiously. Any resemblance to actual persons, living or dead, events, business establishments or locales is entirely coincidental.

  No part of this book may be reproduced, scanned or distributed in any printed or electronic form without permission. All rights reserved.

  Cover Copyright © Chelsea M. Cameron

  Edited by GreatImaginations.com

  Interior Design by NovelNinjutsu.com

  “No, wait!” I yelled before Fin cut the video feed and ended things. “You are not going to do this to me again. You do not get to run this time. I will get on a fucking plane and hunt you down. We’re going to talk. Whether it’s now on the computer or later when I chain you to your hotel bed. You get to pick. The easy way, or the hard way.”

  His eyes never left my face as I talked. I expected him to cut the feed anyway, but he didn’t. I was pretty proud of myself.

  “So, what’s it going to be, Fin Herald?” I asked, crossing my arms. Both to show that I was serious, and also to hide my shaking hands.

  I couldn’t go through this again. I wouldn’t sit back and let him push me away. Yes, he was scared. I was scared too, but I wasn’t willing to give up. I was invested.

  Fin glared at me for what seemed like hours. And then he started laughing.

  I was too stunned to say anything as I watched him throw his head back. I’d never seen him laugh this hard.

  But why was he laughing? Had a chip fried in his brain? Nothing I said was worthy of even a chuckle.

  Finally, he seemed to get himself under control. He wiped his eyes and grinned at me.

  “You know, part of me wants to pick the hard way just to see if you’ll do it.”

  My eyes narrowed. “This isn’t funny, Fin. Not at all.”

  “No, it’s not. But I…” He trailed off, as if he couldn’t find the right words. “I’ve never had anyone say something like that to me. I never thought I wanted it. I never sought out love, Marisol. Tried everything I could to keep it away from me. And then there was you.” He sighed and I waited for him to speak again.

  “I want to push you away. Everything in my head is telling me to shut this computer, end the chat, and never contact you again. But I can’t. I should. But I don’t want to. I’d miss you.”

  I exhaled a shaky breath. “I’d miss you,” I said. “A lot. And I was serious about the plane ticket. It would probably drain my savings and put me in credit card debt, but I’m not ready to let you go.”

  He shook his head. “I wouldn’t let that happen to you. I might not have much, but money is one thing I have in abundance.”

  Ugh, I didn’t want his money. Sure, I didn’t mind him paying for dinner or the occasional piece of clothing, but an overseas plane ticket was a bit much.

  “I would have done it,” I said.

  “I know you would have.”

  Silence stretched between us and I wasn’t sure what else to say.

  “I don’t like it when you run. You have to stop doing that. It’s not a way to solve your problems. They follow you.”

  “I know. But I’ve been running my whole life. It’s all I know how to do. I’m sorry.” He rubbed his head, messing up his already messy hair.

  “Just stop. Stand still for a moment. Breathe slowly, in and out. You’re fine. We’re fine. Nothing bad is going to happen.” It was an old technique I’d learned for anxiety. I’d tried it on my mother but it hadn’t worked. Still, the information turned out to be useful.

  “I wish you didn’t always have to be the one saving me. It makes me feel like a burden,” he said, breathing slowly as I told him to.

  “I promise you’re not a burden. You’re just…” I couldn’t put it into words exactly. “I feel like you need me. And I like that. And someday I’m going to need you, and you’ll be there for me. I have faith in you, Fin Herald.”

  He chuckled again.

  “Well, that makes one of us.”

  I wasn’t going to argue with him. At least not right now. We’d had enough tension tonight.

  “I should probably let you go. You’re busy,” I said. What an anti-climactic end to our conversation. I gave him what I hoped was a reassuring smile.

  “I don’t have to go. We can still talk. If you want.” There was a strange sound, and he looked away from the screen at something. It took me a second to figure out it was his phone.

  “No, no. I’m fine,” I said. “Are you going to be okay? Things were … really intense there.”

  He nodded, his hair flopping around. “Yes, I think I’m going to be okay. I’ll talk to you tomorrow, okay?”

  “Okay. And congratulations. Again. I’m really happy for you.”

  “Thanks, Marisol. Goodbye.”

  “Bye,” I said, and this time when the video closed, I knew I was going to see him again. He wasn’t going to leave me this time.

  “So what do you think? Marisol?” My eyes snapped to attention. Someone was asking my opinion on something.

  “Oh, um, perfect. Good,” I said, rubbing my eyes. I stayed up late thinking after I talked to Fin, and I wasn’t exactly firing on all cylinders at the moment. I was meeting with my group for our project, and they were actually coming up with some good ideas. I’d been blessed to not get stuck with a bunch of slackers.

  “You okay?” Beth, one of my group mates was looking at me strangely.

  “Yeah, just tired.” I tore my brain away from thinking about Fin and put it back to the task at hand. Our group talked for a bit longer, and we made a list of tasks and decided to check in with each other in two days via email for updates. I had a lot of work ahead of me that was going to require lots of searching, both in the library and on the internet, and it was just what I needed.

  After getting my list together, I went to check out a few of the volumes I was going to need. I could sit here in the library, but I wanted to go somewhere I felt more comfortable.

  It wasn’t fun carrying a huge stack of books to Fin’s. I thought for a second about calling Carl to come be my knight in shining armor but decided against it. I wasn’t helpless. I was an independent woman. I could carry some damn books.

  I dropped said books when I went to unlock Fin’s door. I cursed and then had to gather them up again before taking them to the den, plunking them down on a table, and flopping onto the couch.

  It was Sunday night, and I should have been doing something exciting. Instead, I was going to spend my time with my nose buried in books, drinking too much coffee. The life of a student.

  I sighed and went to the kitchen where I found a vase of lilacs on the counter. They were so fresh they still had dew on them. I didn’t need three guesses to know who they were from. I leaned forward and inhaled. There was almost nothing better than the scent of lilacs. I grabbed the vase and brought it in
to the den, setting it next to the books.

  I pulled out my phone and sent Fin a thank you text before going back to the kitchen and putting something together for dinner.

  My ringing phone woke me.

  “Hey, are you all right? You didn’t answer the video chat and I was worried,” Fin said. I blinked and looked around, realizing I’d fallen asleep on his couch with a book on my chest. It was late, so it had to be nearly morning where he was.

  “Yeah, I’m fine. Just doing a project and I fell asleep.” I sat up and set the book down. “How are you? Why are you calling me so late?”

  “I was working and then I couldn’t sleep. I should have called earlier, I’m sorry.”

  I stifled a yawn. “No big deal. I’m up now.” My back cracked as I shifted and got into a more comfortable position. We talked about our days and I told him a little bit about my project. He seemed to find the minutia of my life interesting.

  “So, have you worn any lederhosen? Because I would pay money for a picture of that.”

  He chuckled. “No, I don’t think that’s a German tradition I’d like to try. But I have been on a brewery tour and I’m taking a client to a beer festival, so I’m partaking in that.” Not too heavily, I hoped, but I didn’t say anything. Fin getting drunk worried me.

  “Sounds like fun,” I said, and I couldn’t hide another yawn.

  “Damn, it’s late. You should go to bed.” I really should. I had class tomorrow. I thought about going home, but I didn’t feel like it.

  “Do you mind if I crash here? I’m at your place,” I said.

  “Not at all. I love the idea of you in my bed. Would you sleep naked for me?”

  I giggled and slowly got to my feet. “Sure, Fin. I can do that for you.” It was hot anyway. “I’ll just be naked, between those silky sheets, thinking of you caressing my heated skin,” I said in a low voice.

  I heard what sounded like a groaning.

  “Go to bed, Mari Cherry. Dream of me.”

  “Always.”

  Sloane texted me the next morning asking if I wanted to come over and have dinner with her and Chloe. It was like she’d read my mind. I needed to see my friends and have a nice normal evening with them.

  “Mari!” Sloane crowed when she opened the door to her apartment and let me in. “I feel like I haven’t seen you in years.” She gave me a huge hug from her towering heights. She was one of the only people I knew that wore fancy shoes at home. But fashion before comfort, I guess.

  “Where’s Chlo?” I asked as Sloane handed me a glass of wine. In addition to her fabulous taste in fashion and her mad sewing skills, Sloane was a fantastic cook and hostess. Not to mention gorgeous and tall. I know, I hate her too.

  “Should be on her way.” Just as she said it, Chloe walked through the door.

  “Dear God, someone give me a drink,” she said, her shoulders slumped over. She was still wearing her work clothes and had an exhausted expression.

  “At your service,” Sloane said, presenting her with a glass of wine and a flourish. Chloe knocked it back and held the empty glass out.

  “Hit me again,” she said.

  It was going to be one of those nights.

  I tried to help Sloane with dinner, but she was a bit of a control freak in the kitchen, so I abandoned my quest and sat with Chloe in the living room. She had the remote in her hand and was furiously flipping through channels.

  “Hey,” I said, touching her shoulder and hoping she wouldn’t whack me with the clicker.

  “Oh, hey.”

  “What’s wrong?” I sipped my wine. Chloe was on her third glass. She was going to feel that in the morning.

  “Nothing,” she snapped like a snotty teenager. I looked at her with raised eyebrows.

  “Sorry for asking,” I said, sliding away from her. She kept flipping and then put the remote down.

  “I’m sorry. That was a bitchy thing to say. I’m just stressed and depressed at the same time. If that’s a thing. Can that be a thing?”

  I nodded. I knew exactly what she was talking about. There needed to be a word for it. Stresspressed didn’t really work.

  “Anything you want to talk about?” I asked.

  She shook her head, her jaw tight and stubborn. “No, I’m just … in my head too much. And I’ve been thinking about her.” That meant her ex. It was going to take Chlo a long damn time to get past that relationship. I wasn’t even sure if a rebound was going to do the trick. Before Harmony, Chloe hadn’t really been monogamous. Maybe she needed to go back to playing the field, at least for a little while. I wished there was something I could do to help.

  “I’m sorry, hun. Let me know if you want to talk it out.”

  She gave me a forced smile and finished her third glass of wine. “Thanks. I’m good. Right now I’m going to put it out of my head and drink too much wine and hope I’m not hung over tomorrow.” Yeah, she was going to be doing a lot of hoping. She was definitely going to be hung over tomorrow. Oh well, she’d done it before and she’d probably do it again.

  I wanted to say something else, but Chloe yelled to Sloane, “What’s up with Rory and that guy she’s working with?” Sloane’s eyes lit up and she dashed over to give us all the details. Apparently, the two had started as a one-night kind of thing but had recently decided to change definitions. Sloane had even made them dinner, and they’d been going out in public, holding hands, the whole thing.

  “She’s so freaking happy that I want to punch her in the face. For real,” Sloane said. “But she deserves it. Even if he is a soulless ginger. Oh, and did you know he’s got a brother?”

  At that very moment, Rory walked through the door.

  “Well, don’t stop talking about me just because I walk in,” she said. Sloane proceeded to admit that she’d told us about her and we all said that we’d known anyway. Rory didn’t seem too upset, and actually asked our advice about dealing with her man and the new development of his prone-to-trouble brother. Sloane’s eyes lit up when she mentioned the brother, whose name was Ryder. Of course. I bet he also had tattoos and drove a motorcycle. That would exactly fit the picture of him I’d made in my head.

  Rory also said she was going over to his place, so we agreed to help her get all sexed up and ready for her man. It was fun and silly and light. Even Chloe got into it and helped sweep her hair into an elegant but loose updo.

  She left, and I was surprised she didn’t ask me about Fin. But as soon as she was gone, the other two did.

  “So, how is your international lover?” Chloe asked, popping a grape into her mouth.

  “He’s fine,” I said, but my lie was spotted quicker than a sale at Saks.

  “Back up. Explain,” Sloane said, making a rewind motion with her hands.

  I sighed and gave them a short rundown of my now long distance relationship with Fin. I left out the secrets and all of his past, but alluded to the fact that it was not as shiny or pretty as it seemed.

  “You should totally go see him,” Sloane said. “Grand gesture. Go all out.” Of course she would say that.

  “I think that’s a bit much,” I said. “Plus that’s a little expensive. And I don’t think he’d want me there.” Especially not with his dad around. It would be hard to get in touch with him and see him in person without alerting his father to the fact that I was there.

  “Why wouldn’t he want you there?” Chloe asked. “There’s more to the story than you’re telling us, Mari.” Of course there was, but I hoped they’d leave it alone. Of course they wouldn’t. I knew them better than that.

  “It’s complicated,” I said, and took my plate to the kitchen. “Look, I don’t really want to talk about it, okay? I’d rather just … see how things go. He hasn’t been gone that long anyway. And if we were to be together seriously, he’d be gone all the time and this would be normal. So. I might as well get used to it.” I gave them a tight smile and they seemed to get that I didn’t want to talk it, so Sloane changed the subject and we talked abo
ut other things. Non Fin things. And it was really, really nice.

  There wasn’t much that a good night with my friends couldn’t solve, but I did feel a little guilty for not telling them about my issues with Fin, and I didn’t even consider telling them my suspicions about my mother. I’d tried to push that as far back in my mind as I could. If only the brain was like an attic, where you could shove something in a corner and throw a rug on top of it and completely forget it was there until twenty years later when you decided to have a yard sale.

  But no, my brain was not like that. My worries and concerns would sneak up on me when I least expected it, and as soon as they latched on and became thoughts, I couldn’t get rid of them.

  I just needed to stay busy, which wasn’t that hard. Rory had finally realized she was completely in love with her ginger man, so we ended up having an emergency girl’s night in the middle of the week. I ended up using alcohol that night to try and forget, and regretted it the next morning. I also threw myself into research for my group project, going above and beyond what I needed to do. I also made it to all of my charity meetings and took on as many projects as someone would give me.

  I was so busy I barely had time to think about Fin or my mother. It was great.

  For about a week.

  I dialed my parents’ home number and prayed that Dad would pick up. My plea was answered when his deep voice said, “Hello?”

  “Hi, Dad. I was just calling to say hello and say that I was going to be in the area and maybe I could stop by for tea or something this afternoon.” I wasn’t going to be anywhere near my parents’ house, but he didn’t need to know that.

  “Oh, yes. Ah, of course. Yes, why don’t you come over?” He was definitely distracted. I probably could have asked if I could visit them on the moon and he would have said yes.

  “What would be a good time? I’m doing a bunch of errands, so I’m not sure how long I can stay, but it would be nice to see you.” Nice was not really the right word, but whatever.