“Benefits?”
A feral grin preceded Jordan’s words. “We continued to have sex.”
Images of Jordan in the throes of passion bombarded Kirsten’s mind; sweat glistening on her skin, an unfocused look in her eyes, her head thrown back as she came. Her body became overheated despite being in the cool water. She needed to rein in her fantasies, at least for now. She barked out a nervous laugh and splashed Jordan with some water. “Tell me about your girlfriends since.”
Darkness clouded Jordan’s eyes, and she frowned. “There’s been only one since Stacy.”
She was concerned by Jordan’s change in demeanor. “Only one?”
Jordan nodded and looked sad.
“Do you want to tell me about it?”
Jordan shrugged. “I guess.” She took a deep breath. “I met Kelly toward the end of my junior year. We moved in together for our senior year, and I was going to ask her to marry me. I thought we were going to spend the rest of our lives together.”
She placed her hand on Jordan’s arm in an attempt to offer comfort. “What happened?”
“I came home one afternoon to get the practice clothes I had forgotten that morning. I walked in on Kelly in bed with a man—her teacher’s assistant.”
Kirsten heart broke for Jordan. She couldn’t imagine how awful it must have been for Jordan to walk in on that. She wished she could take away the pain in Jordan’s eyes. “That must have been horrible for you.”
“It completely shattered me. She tried to tell me it was all a mistake, that she loved me. We yelled and cried, and then she had the nerve to tell me it was my fault, that I should have been spending more time at home with her rather than playing basketball. At that moment, I saw how truly selfish she was and questioned my ability to judge someone’s character.”
Jordan wiped her eyes, amazed by how much that day still had the ability to upset her after all this time. Kirsten squeezed her arm, and it gave her the courage to continue.
“I came back the next day to pack up my things while she was at school, and I moved in with Alex for the rest of the school year. I was a mess for a while. I couldn’t concentrate on school, I kept fucking up in practice. I told my coaches and teammates what had happened, and they were very supportive. The team and Alex helped me through that heartbreak. It was hard to avoid Kelly for the rest of the year, especially since we went to a small school, but I did everything I could not to see her. I promised myself that”—she shook her head and took a moment to compose herself—“I would never again put my heart in a position to be broken.”
“You haven’t been with anyone since?”
“Not exclusively, no. I don’t really date.”
“But don’t you get lonely?”
Jordan laughed. “No, I have good friends to keep me company and do things with.”
“But what about…needs? Don’t you miss sex?”
She laughed again. God, it felt good to laugh. “I never said I didn’t have sex.” It also felt good to be with somebody she felt comfortable enough to be totally honest with.
Kirsten looked a bit bewildered, but then she blushed, and Jordan knew she’d gotten the hint.
“Usually, I don’t have trouble finding a girl to have fun with. And before you lose any respect for me, let me tell you that I am always up front with them that it won’t go past that night. Most have been accepting of that.”
“Jordan, I could never lose respect for you. You’re an adult, and it sounds like you’re not leading anyone on. I just…you’ve become such a good friend…I just want you to be happy. Don’t you want to fall in love again?”
“It’s going to have to be a very special woman that could make me risk my heart again. But so far, there hasn’t been anyone to tempt me.”
“We’ll have to work on that.” She splashed Jordan again.
Her muscles tensed. She wasn’t sure how she felt about Kirsten wanting to fix her up with someone. Especially not when the only woman she had even come close to thinking about in that way recently had been Kirsten herself. She’d been doing just fine with the way things were. Did she really want to think about the possibility of giving her heart away again?
She tried to lighten the mood and splashed back until it became an all-out war. They continued to splash each other until Jordan fell off her raft and was dunked under water. Kirsten was laughing when she resurfaced, until she flipped Kirsten’s raft over and dumped her in the water.
Jordan laughed as Kirsten disappeared, feeling triumphant. When Kirsten broke through the water sputtering, she laughed even harder. Kirsten lunged at her and tried to dunk her, but she didn’t budge.
Jordan had wrapped her arms around Kirsten in an attempt to prevent being submerged, but Kirsten stopped laughing and looked deeply into her eyes. Her smile wavered when she saw the look of desire in Kirsten’s eyes, and a shiver went up her spine.
Kirsten cupped her face in her hands, and she had to fight not to let her eyes flutter closed when Kirsten caressed her cheeks with her thumbs. Kirsten broke their charged gaze by dropping her eyes to Jordan’s lips. Jordan was afraid her heart might stop beating altogether. She was caught in Kirsten’s spell, and there was nothing she could do—nothing she wanted to do—about it. Kirsten softly kissed her, taking her breath away.
Jordan broke the kiss, stunned at what had just occurred between them. “Kirsten,” she whispered, not entirely sure what she even wanted to say.
Kirsten put her fingers to her lips to halt her words. “Shh, don’t speak. Just kiss me. Please, Jordan, kiss me.”
Jordan’s heart rate increased exponentially. She knew in her head that she shouldn’t, that she should get out of the pool and leave. She liked Kirsten, but getting romantically involved with her was a really, really bad idea. If they had sex, it would change their relationship forever, and she didn’t want to lose her friendship. However, her body—and her heart—had different ideas.
She dipped her head lower until her lips were on Kirsten’s and sighed when Kirsten opened her mouth, allowing her tongue to gain access. As the kiss intensified, Kirsten wrapped her legs around her waist. Jordan moaned when she felt Kirsten’s hot center up against her stomach. She moved her hands lower until they were gripping Kirsten’s ass, pulling her closer. They finally broke the kiss, both gasping for air, but continued to hold each other close.
Jordan tried to put together a coherent thought, but all she could come up with was, “Wow.”
She felt Kirsten smile against her throat. “Wow is right.”
Jordan couldn’t believe what had just happened. She had fantasized about kissing Kirsten—and doing much, much more—but she had never thought it would become a reality. She began to panic, and she was having trouble catching her breath. Shit. What have I done? Even though Kirsten had instigated the kiss, she shouldn’t have followed through. Kirsten had enough crap going on in her life without this complication added to it. Jordan could never have a casual thing with her. That wasn’t what Kirsten deserved. Hell, she might be getting back together with her husband, and Jordan couldn’t have any part of that.
There was a tightness in her chest, like the walls of her life were closing in on her. “I have to go.”
“What? Why?”
Jordan let Kirsten go and started for the steps of the pool. “It’s getting late, and I need to get up early tomorrow morning.” It wasn’t the exact truth, but she was shaken and had to get out of there. She grabbed a towel and started drying herself off.
Kirsten followed her out of the pool and grabbed her own towel, obviously bewildered by her change in attitude. She pulled the towel around her body and wrapped her arms tightly around her chest. “What’s wrong, Jordan?”
“Nothing. I’m going to get dressed.”
Jordan avoided looking at Kirsten as she walked back to the guest room where her bag was, so she could change back into her jeans and T-shirt. She took her time getting dressed and tried to process what had happened between them, b
ut she couldn’t think clearly, and her entire body trembled. She wasn’t sure if it was from fear or arousal. It didn’t matter. She had to get out of there.
She walked into the living room to find Kirsten sitting on the couch dressed only in a white terrycloth robe. Her hair was still wet and was slicked back off her forehead.
My God, she’s exquisite. Jordan shook that thought from her mind. Back off, Roberts. Say good night, and get the hell out of here before you do something you’ll both regret.
Kirsten looked at her with sadness in her eyes. “Did I do something wrong?”
She dropped her bag and moved to the couch to sit next to Kirsten. She felt like a piece of shit for allowing the kiss to happen. She couldn’t remember ever being so disappointed with herself. She took Kirsten’s hands in hers and looked into her eyes. “No, of course not. It’s just…that kiss took me by surprise, and I don’t know what to do with it.”
“What do you mean?”
“I mean, you’re separated from your husband and considering getting back together with him. I can’t be more than a friend to you.” She stood, and Kirsten followed her to the door. Jordan turned back around. “Thank you for dinner and the swim. I’ll call you.”
Jordan opened the door and walked to her car. As she was sliding behind the wheel, she saw Kirsten standing in the doorway watching her, and it took all her resolve to not go back to her, take her in her arms, and kiss her until she took her breath away.
Instead, she started her car and drove away.
Chapter Twenty-five
Saturday morning, Kirsten arrived at the hiking trail where she was meeting Brenda for their weekly outing. She waved when she stepped out of her car and walked toward her. They gave each other a hug hello before starting their trek.
Brenda looked at her with concern. “What’s wrong?”
Kirsten had feared she looked a little disheveled, and Brenda had just confirmed it. She looked everywhere except at Brenda. “I didn’t tell you this before, but when John came over last weekend, he told me he missed me and wanted to move back home. He said he had been hasty in making this decision, and he would do anything if I would let him come back.”
“That’s great, right?”
She shook her head. “I’m not sure, Bren. I don’t think I want to get back together with him. I’m not in love with him, and I don’t want to be married to someone I’m not in love with. It wouldn’t be fair to either of us.”
“Is that all that’s wrong? It seems like there’s something more.”
Kirsten looked at the ground. She wasn’t sure if she was happy or annoyed that Brenda was able to read her like a book. “I did something last night that I probably shouldn’t have.”
Brenda grabbed her hand and led her to the edge of the trail, out of the way of the other hikers. “What happened?”
“Jordan and I kissed.”
Brenda’s eyes widened. “What?”
“She came over to my house last night for dinner, and after we finished eating, we got into the pool. We were horsing around and ended up kissing.”
Kirsten should have been excited about the kiss she had shared with Jordan, but instead she was upset it had caused Jordan to end their time together, and now she didn’t know where things stood between them.
“Well.” The look of shock on Brenda’s face would have been amusing if she weren’t so down. “Um, what did you do when she kissed you?”
She frowned. “I kissed her.”
“Excuse me?”
“I kissed her first.”
“But you’re straight. I mean, you’re straight, right?”
“I’m not sure, Bren.” She took a deep breath considering whether to share with Brenda something she’d never told anyone else. “When I was in college, I was very attracted to my roommate. My feelings for her kept growing stronger as we spent more time together. I had finally worked up the nerve to tell her how I felt when she came home and told me she had a new girlfriend.
“The more time they spent together, the more depressed I became. By the end of the spring term, I only came to the dorm to sleep. She never understood how we had gone from being nearly inseparable to never seeing each other. But I just couldn’t spend any more time with her. Every time I looked at her, my heart broke a little more. I never did tell her how I felt about her. The following year, I met John, and I haven’t had feelings for another woman since. Until now.”
“How long have you felt this way for Jordan?”
“I’m not sure. I remember the first time I saw her at your basketball game, and I couldn’t take my eyes off her. There was something about her that was pulling me to her. The more I got to know her, the more I started to like her. We were having such a nice time last night, and I had to ruin it by kissing her.”
“Why do you think that ruined it?”
“She kind of freaked out. She said something about me not being available and that she couldn’t do casual with me. What do you think she meant by that?”
Brenda smiled kindly. “Well, you are separated from your husband. She probably doesn’t want to get involved in that.”
“I understand. But what am I supposed to do? We’re becoming very good friends, and I’m extremely attracted to her.”
Brenda put a hand on her shoulder. “Honey, she knows you’re separated from John, and up until last night she thought you were straight. Then, all of a sudden, you kiss her without any warning. You threw a wrench into her frame of thinking, and she probably doesn’t know what to do about it.”
“I didn’t think about it that way. I should call her so we can talk about this.” Kirsten began pacing nervously.
“Where did you leave things last night?”
“She said she would call me. But what if she doesn’t?” She stopped and looked at Brenda. Her muscles tensed up, and her stomach churned. “We need to talk about this and figure out what’s happening.”
“Kirsten, do her a favor, and give her some time to gather her thoughts. She’ll call you when she’s ready to talk.”
“Are you sure? She’s a terrific person. I don’t want to lose her friendship, but if there can be something more between us, I’d like to give it a try.” Oh, fuck. Is that what I want? Something romantic with Jordan? It’s too soon, and I’m still married. But I can’t help what I feel or the timing of the whole thing. She clutched her arms around herself for comfort.
“Try to be patient, honey. She seems like she has a good head on her shoulders, and she’ll figure this out.”
“Yeah, sure. I’ll just wait for her to call me.” She wished she was as confident as Brenda sounded.
*
Jordan and Alex were having breakfast in their favorite diner. They were seated in a booth near the back of the restaurant and were waiting for their food to arrive. Jordan slowly turned her glass of water before shifting her eyes to Alex. “So, I have something to tell you.”
“What’s wrong?”
Jordan could hear the panic in Alex’s voice and felt bad about making her worry. “Nothing serious. Sorry for upsetting you. It’s just…well…I went over to Kirsten’s for dinner last night, and she kissed me.”
Alex spewed her coffee onto the table, narrowly missing her. “She kissed you? I thought she was straight.”
Jordan made a face at her as she grabbed some napkins from the dispenser on the table so she could help clean up the mess. “Christ, Alex, can you keep your voice down? I don’t think Betty over there heard you.”
“Well, how am I supposed to react to this sort of news? It’s great news, right?”
“No, it is definitely not great news. She’s married, and we’re friends.” She had finished wiping up the coffee and had taken to tearing away bits of the paper napkin that had once held her silverware.
Alex looked at her intently. “Are you starting to have feelings for her?”
She sighed. “We’re just friends, Alex.”
“That’s not what I asked you. I know you’re
attracted to her physically. But has it gone deeper than that?”
“Yes. But nothing can happen. I just…Christ, Al. I just can’t go there with her.”
“Wow, I didn’t know you were starting to fall for her.”
“Yeah, well, we’ve been spending more time together, and if there was ever a chance I could give my heart to someone, it would be to her. But that’s the thing—she’s straight, and it’s possible she’ll get back together with her husband.”
“How do you know that she’s straight? I mean, it sounds to me you’re making a lot of assumptions about how she’s feeling, but have you even asked her?”
Jordan looked at the table, finding the scratches in the top suddenly fascinating. “No.”
“Well, don’t you think you should ask her how she’s feeling? For all you know, she could have fallen for you already, but you were just too dense up here to realize it,” Alex said as she tapped her forehead with her index finger. “Or you didn’t want to realize it. I saw her checking you out when the four of us were at Lucy’s last week.”
“Shut up. You did not.”
“I sure did. She was watching us—or should I say you—dance, and when we were back at the table, she was hanging on your every word like you were the most fascinating person in the world. All I’m saying is that there might be something there for her, too. Don’t dismiss this, or her, just because you’re afraid of getting your heart broken.”
“Her husband wants her back.”
Alex looked stunned. “What?”
“She told me while we were at the beach that he wants to come home and give their marriage another shot.”
“Shit. Well, what does she want?”
“She’s not sure. She seems to be confused about reconciling with him. She loves him, but she’s not in love with him anymore.”
“Well, maybe she’s not sure because she has feelings for you.”
“I can’t get in the middle of that, Alex. She needs to figure this out on her own without me getting involved.”
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