by Reyna Biddy
if you let me.
hide & seek
i’ve been praying for someone like you to come find me.
crave me
if i were drunk right now,
i’d.. i’d say it.
of all the ways to express lust..
i chose to pray it.
i’m getting tired of these 3 a.m. cravings
and these sleepless nights where we stay in.
sometimes i wonder where you could take me.
same nights i feel i’m attracted to who you are potentially.
i’ve watched you grow into a person slightly suitable for me..
but i’m not really sure what it is i’ve been looking to see..
in anyone.
if i were high right now,
i’d probably say it.
your laugh’s so fucking annoying,
but that smile.. i can’t take it.
i can’t remember what it’s like to feel this vacant.
i’ve been waiting on your heart to come back from vacation.
how many times are you going to tell me you can’t make it?
how many signs of pathetic till you give me some attention?
how many silent nights of lonely have I missed?
tired of being overbearing
but in the midst of stripping me without unfolding,
i can’t help but miss your hands and how they mold me.
if you were mine right now.. i could say it..
you ever wonder why life takes love the same way it gave it?
easily friends, complicatedly lovers.
we made sense before you touched me and made me feel sure—
we were meant to be, you were meant for me, for sure.
as many seasons have passed,
leaving “us” in the past.
if you were sitting beside me and i was faded..
i could still get you fucked up on my love.
because some nights—
I know how much you crave it, too..
or however long
My alone could never feel as good as you do.
You stayed silent but your actions were fluent.
My heart beat fast like the first time in adolescence.
Our tongues whispered in harmonic eloquence.
Your eyes never wandered.
I was wondering if you could be my everything—
after I realized I would be anything for you.
I was wondering if you were into taking risks
and saying yes to challenges
because I want you to love me
like you’ve never been hurt before.
I mean, I could do anything for you.
I can still smell you on my skin.
Our nights feel like decades
while our hearts beg for centuries.
I’m sure,
I could spend lifetimes with you.
choices
I could hold you down or I can lift you up.
My love comes in many forms
if you’re not looking for only one.
I can make your face shine like going south at sunset on the 101—
or if you’re into rising
we can set an appointment to watch for fun.
I will massage coconut oil into your thighs,
spine and breasts—
or I can suck out wherever there is honey
as if the bees are at rest.
eloquence
Be good to me. I dare you.
What I would do for you,
might scare you.
Sé que no estamos enamorados pero dame un beso.
Let me taste who you were before I met you.
Let me figure out why they left you..
and if they left all the ashes
that remained from the incense
that were too intense to make love in—
I’m sure it was too hard to smell the fuck..
or each of the fucks that were given
and the lust that was in it.
I know how hard you can be.
I know how hard it may seem
to give yourself to a being
when within your heart lies uncertainty.
I know what it’s like to feel empty.
You know it’s alright to be open with me—
I’ve got no intentions of holding you down,
if you don’t want that from me.
Tired of asking when you’re free.
I always laugh at how bad I want you.
The way an addict wants his vice
Lovers want the night.
I want you in a grown-up way.
Not the kind of crush I had in 10th grade.
This is not the same.
Back then shit was fun
but this is not a game..
I want you to touch the parts of me
that other men are too afraid to see
and forget all the reasons you can’t stay.
I know what you like,
I know what it’s like to keep the best parts of me hidden,
aren’t you exhausted?
I can make you feel alright.
You never really told me why you were into me.
I’m eager for you to hold me like it means anything.
Different from what you’re used to.
Hope my persistence doesn’t scare you..
It’s just some nights I crave you
when I know I shouldn’t.
trapped soul
why do you fight me with words
distant enough to injure my pride?
why do you feed me vacant responses
when you know how much i wonder?
you used to wonder what i was up to.
at one point i thought we could rely on each other.
you called me from New York just to remind me
that life without me,
wasn’t as wonderful.
i wish i knew if there was someone else holding you.
i’ve always been good to you.
i know how much you loved me to visit you
when you were in town, too..
you gifted me your secrets.
you trusted me with your fears,
you even called me your “angel.”
all the nights we laid together
making love through our energy..
you never did touch me.
your hands held insecurities
you decided to keep to yourself, but
i promised i’d never ruin you.
i would have stuck it through with you.
the long nights,
the pointless fights,
your tough skin that only i could get under.
i’m starting to see you everywhere—
and it hurts to know that you’re no longer there..
or anywhere near me.
i wish you would just let me get through to you.
i wish you believed in all that I could bring you through..
i wish you believed in me enough to let me truly be here for you.
i just really wish..
you would let me..
love you.
message,
love is a beautiful thing, but without respect—it’s an ugly habit.
my father's interlude:
Your mom’s a crazy bitch
She was fucking on the low
While carrying you too
And she didn’t think I’d know
Fuck everything she talkin’ bout
Swear I can’
t stand that ho
It’s just something about her love that I’m addicted to
I can’t let her go
Five blessed babies, all from a different lady
I’m tied between the two, I got another one due—
Sometime in May or June, it’s a girl
She’ll be a Gemini like you..
Believe me when I say I didn’t plan this shit this way
Jah’s actions are mysterious
And I can’t question my fate
For my life is in his hands
He guides the highways that I take
Every night I pray that all my loved ones look past
And can forgive all of my mistakes
I’m a good man, I never meant to hurt no one
Remember how I taught you
Only coward n*ggas run?
Stella ’n’ yo mom don’t see that
I’m the realest n*gga they ever met
Baby, believe that
I apologized for mine, so fuck it
If they leave me, I ain’t trippen
Just take care of the fam for me
One love.
look daddy
My daddy always told me about how men ain’t shit. So I ran around screaming.. “Men ain’t shit!” He’d tell me stories about all the shit women should never have to deal with. One night he said, “Women were made with love and passion and desire and vulnerability and loyalty.. A woman has the power to make the strongest men weak and the most complacent man think. And men.. well men are born to get up and make the best out of their situation. Men have ambition and drive and respect.. the only thing a man fears is the day a woman will ask him to commit. And sometimes.. most times.. a woman can make a man feel so good that she turns him bad. That she loves him sick. A woman will love a man till he seeks a new love for a new high for a new drive to make the best out of his situation. And baby.. you gotta look out for you and your situation. You aren’t just any woman.” He was right. My daddy always pointed out who I could never be with. He always showed himself as Superman whenever my heart bent. He never let it break. He’d never let them take away the gold-plated trophy I happened to become when he realized I was designed to be the gem that he raised. He’d never let them make a tool out of me, not after all the talks about how delicate I was made and how rare I seemed. He’d walk me from home to the moon if it meant he could protect me along the way from men with resentment. You know.. the men who were raised to be hard, who fuck without heart, with the intentions of just a nut from the start.. who’ve lost every woman that made more than only love but spiritual art. With my daddy’s security I never became that girl. Instead.. I became someone who was out to get the world. I was built to never fold. I was taught the most precious hearts were cold.
But what my father will never know is I became the men who prey on women who are whole. I became the men who ain’t shit. I became the girl who men were scared to be with. My daddy always pointed out who I could never be with.. but Daddy? Did you ever fear that I’d become this? That I’d become worse than the men.. but a woman with a soul full of resentment?
I only tried to make the best out of my situation.
i forgot to tell you
i changed my mind about you.
i don’t miss you like i used to.
bones
i used to wonder what it was like to be loved, for me.
i felt like if i were to lose all the acne,
someone could see me.
i thought that the prettier i could become
the more options i’d receive.
years later and i’m still just as lonely.
actually, i might be more alone than ever.
someone forgot to tell me that MAC’s Ruby Woo lipstick
won’t make it better.
that long hair, nice skin, and abs won’t last forever.
that the men you let in are still out looking for treasure.
being physically gorgeous isn’t a savior.
and having the most beautiful smile won’t save him.
i forgot to hold on to who i was on the inside.
i wish it were easy for me to let people see what’s on the inside.
i wish somebody would’ve told me
i was already perfect on the outside,
for the person who is perfect for me.
these bones have always been quite lovely.
these bones.. can’t wait to be touched.
these bones can’t wait to be loved.
to hold trust. to build and to bear life for nine months.
to be held through the roughs.. beyond the lust.
these bones could always keep up.
these bones have been bruised, broken, and cut.
these bones would never give up, on me.
or you.
i used to wonder what it would be like to be loved,
for me,
by you.
love note:
for anyone who cries themselves to sleep every night—for anyone who wakes up each morning wishing they hadn’t—for anyone whose heart feels like an open wound. for anyone who thinks life would be better without ’em. for anyone bleeding misery from the inside out. for anyone who feels lonelier by the second. for anyone who questions their existence. for anyone who suffers hurricanes and tornados on the most beautiful days. i’ve been there. i get it. i remember praying to God out loud recently and i shocked myself when the words “some days i think i’m fine but most days my heart feels like it’s drowning. today feels like death—only less people remembering to love me” came out. although i’ve never been suicidal i’ve dipped in and out of depression. i’ve wondered when the pain will go away. i’ve wondered if i was normal. or if this feeling was normal. being a writer.. this happens often for me. feeling like the world is on my back and i’m too exhausted to move. to try. to live. i’m fortunate to believe in the God in me that helps people every single day, but for anyone who feels hopeless and helpless.. there is hope. things will get better. don’t cut yourself short by believing you have no purpose in this world. you’re special. we all are. never stop searching for your happy place. and once you find it—keep it close. and please!!!
make homes out of something you can keep close forever—
not some “one” who’s temporary.
endings
I don’t want to be your sometimes.
I don’t want to hear how I could have been.
I don’t want to be the person who almost—
but wouldn’t.. or didn’t
because I’m too “temporary” to make permanent.
I don’t want to be your some nights
or your next week when you have time.
I don’t want to be faithfully yours
when you aren’t truly mine.
I don’t want to be your maybe.
I don’t want to hear that you’re
“too selective to settle down and date me.”
I don’t want to be an option.
I don’t want to waste my time waiting.
I don’t want to be your springtime.
I don’t want you to bloom beautifully,
over me, so you can forget me.
I don’t want to be on standby
until I’m who you feel I have potential to be.
I don’t want to be the difference.
I don’t want to be an example of
who grabbed your heart and who missed it.
I don’t want this to be consistent.
I know that you’re still out searching.
I don’t want you to be the reason
that I stare out my window, hurting.
I don’t want to be who you lie to.
&
nbsp; I don’t want to be your spur of the moment choice.
I don’t want to be your more than likely—
if something or someone better comes up,
you’ll let me know.
I don’t want to be patient.
I don’t want to be on your roster.
I don’t want you to pick me
when everybody else is occupied—
or when everybody else has lost it.
I don’t want to be your safe haven.
Don’t come to me when you need saving—
because you would have left me in the sea of my own love, drowning.
If it were up to me we would have been but I’ve decided—
I don’t want to be yours, anymore.
to anyone who wonders if they should contact someone they "miss":
If a person is willing to live without you, then they should.
refill
life is a lot more simple than we like to make it.
we run from those who love us and exhaust ourselves loving people who don’t. please—don’t over exhaust yourself
by expressing your feelings over and over to someone who
just doesn’t get it or care to. you’ll end up empty.
10 reasons i could never stay
You weren’t ready to dance when I was. You let my hand go in the essence of a mosh pit and I’ve been lost since.
The night you left I fell asleep on the floor of my shower. I was so broken I fell to my knees and asked God if he could take me.
You would have let him take me.
I was willing to give up part of me for you. I was willing to compromise my dreams for you. I was ready to be the person you needed. You never really needed me the way I needed you to.