by LP Lovell
I roll my eyes. “I’m not going to shoot myself, Rafe.” He rounds the desk and presses a kiss to my lips. The smell of sweat hits me, along with that underlying citrus. I wrinkle my nose. “You smell.”
He laughs and backs away towards the door. “I’m going to take a shower. Care to watch?” My face heats, and I say nothing. His laughter echoes down the hallway after he leaves the office.
I pull the gun from the back of my shorts and stare at it clutched in my hands. His sister’s gun. I chew on my bottom lip, turning the weapon over. The light glints off the silver barrel, highlighting the engraved patterns on the butt. He gave me Violet’s gun, and I know how much that means. He gives me so much. And yet again, that sense of inadequacy settles in my gut, eating away at me like a disease. He’s given me everything, and I’ve given him nothing.
What if I could though? It’s not like I’m not well versed in fucking men. Why am I so incapable of doing it with him? Maybe it wouldn’t be so bad. At the thought, fear grips me, sending my heart sprinting in a pounding beat. My stomach clenches and bile creeps up my throat. I can’t...But then I imagine what it would feel like to lose him, and that fear is far more intense. It doesn’t matter how tight I hold onto him, we’re slipping apart. And I need him. He’s become like air to me, and the thought of him walking away…it hurts, far more than my lost dignity. Steeling myself, I close my eyes and inhale a deep breath. I can do this. I’ve done it plenty of times before.
Turning around, I walk out of the office and straight up the stairs. Once inside the bedroom, I can hear the shower running through the cracked bathroom door. My heart pitter-patters right along with the falling droplets. Taking the gun from the back of my shorts, I place it on the dresser. I pace the room for a few seconds, fighting nerves.
Enough stalling. I open the bathroom door and step into the steam. The sound of water over tile gets louder, the steam cloying my lungs and clinging to my skin until I feel my hair sticking to the nape of my neck. My breaths are audible to my own ears, and I try to calm myself.
He doesn’t seem to notice me, so I get closer until I’m standing almost against the glass. On a deep inhale, I reach for the hem of my tank. The door slides open, making me jump. His fingers wrap around my wrist, and he yanks me forward until I slam against his enormous body. Hot water drenches my tank top and shorts instantly. The door closes behind me, enclosing me in here with him.
“Ah, avecita. Such a curious little kitten.”
I suddenly feel like cornered prey. Why did I think this was a good idea? Stupid, stupid, Anna. Adrenaline spikes my blood, and my breaths come out in rapid pants that I know he must be able to hear over the water. Before I can think it through, his fingers knot in my wet hair, tilting my head back before his lips slam over mine. This kiss isn’t gentle or careful, it’s hard and desperate—a man on the edge. His fingers leave my hair and grip my thighs, lifting me and slamming me against the tiled wall. My heart leaps in my chest, and I close my eyes, trying to drag desperate breaths into ever-shrinking lungs. I know he’s naked, and I know exactly what that hard bar pressing against the inside of my thigh is. The more he touches me, the more that tiny grain of confidence I had, shrinks. You can do this.
I place a trembling hand against his chest, and he stills, his lips breaking away from mine. “You’re shaking,” he says.
I shake my head. “I’m fine.”
He groans. “You shouldn’t have come in here.”
I don’t know what to say, so I simply wind my hand around his neck and tug him closer until I can kiss him. My mind races right along with my pulse as I slide my free hand from his chest, down over his stomach. You can do this. I’m so close to touching him when his fingers wrap around my wrist. Tugging my hand away, he pins it to the tile above my head.
“You’re going to kill me, woman.” He removes my other hand from the back of his neck and pins it to the wall with the first, trapping both wrists in one hand before he sets me on my feet. He towers over me, effortlessly restraining me against the tile. I swallow heavily, and my gaze follows his free hand over each defined bump of his abs—lower, lower until he’s wrapping his tattooed fingers around himself. A little silver piercing catches under the bright lights of the bathroom. The water continues to pour over the both of us, and I lick a drop from my bottom lip. Rafe hisses out a breath through his teeth, his movements speeding up a little. As I watch him, I forget all about my fear. I forget why I came in here.
His chest seems to grow, his abs popping and flexing violently. Our eyes lock, and I slowly lean in, brushing my lips over his jaw. The corded muscles of his throat pop as he tips his head back, rivulets of water cascading over his skin. I swipe my tongue up the length of his throat, licking the hot water from him. Piece by piece, Rafael comes undone. Every touch, every kiss, he becomes a little wilder, a little more unhinged, and I find that I want it. I want to be in control of a man like him. Pushing up on tiptoes, I place my lips against his. I can feel the tight restraint in every inch of his body, his hand pumping against my stomach as the distance between us closes. I want him to come undone for me because this thing that has always made me so powerless is empowering right now.
A feral growl works up his throat, and for the briefest moment, my mind wavers—my grip on reality slipping ever so slightly. I get this sick feeling in my stomach. This is wrong and dirty.
“God, you ruin me, Anna.” Anna. I have a name here. I’m a person, not a thing. I focus on Rafael, on the way his body bucks and tenses, on the glazed, needy look in his eyes. He releases me and slams his hand against the tile over my head, his shoulders slumping forward as he loses the battle with himself. “Anna…fuck.”
He’s cracking wide open, breaking and shattering before my eyes. It’s vulnerable and pure, untainted. A string of groans leave him between hard breaths, his body going tense before his head falls forward against my chest. For a moment, neither of us says anything.
“You always surprise me, avecita.”
The reality of what just happened crashes in on me like a wave breaking against the rocky shore. My thoughts becoming nothing more than scattered white foam, bubbling to the surface in a messy rush.
“I’m…uh, I’m s—”
His hand lands over my mouth. “I swear, if you apologize right now…” I try to move, to shift away from him, but he uses the weight of his body to trap me. “Oh no. You stay here until that look disappears from your face.” He drops his hand.
“What look?”
“Like you just did something wrong, something you’re ashamed of.” I tilt my head back and close my eyes. He sees too much. I don’t like it. His lips brush my cheek, stopping by my ear. “This isn’t wrong.” That’s it though, how can something feel right when it’s been your own personal nightmare for so long? I’m warring with myself, torn in two between this engrained disgust and this longing to be something other than what I am. I open my eyes to find him watching me.
“Why did you stop me?” I whisper, my voice barely audible over the sound of the water.
“Why did you come in here?” I say nothing. “You’re not ready.”
I close my eyes. “If you wait for me to ‘be ready’, you might be waiting forever.”
“Then I’ll wait forever.” I open my eyes and meet his steely gaze.
He says that now. I try to duck around him, but of course, he blocks me. Standing there wordlessly like an impenetrable wall. “Let me go.”
“No. Talk.”
My frustration and self-loathing swirl together into a toxic concoction that has everything bubbling to the surface uncontrollably. “You won’t though!” I shout.
“I won’t what?”
“You won’t wait forever.” Tears prickle my eyes and fall down my cheeks, disguised by the water of the shower.
He closes the space between us, pressing me against the wall once more. His fingertips gently trace over my cheek. “You underestimate how much I want you. Not your body—you. One day you
will come to me, and you will ask me to give you something that no one else can.”
“What—”
“Do you trust me?”
I hesitate for a second. “Yes.”
“Then trust me to know what you need.”
What about what he needs? I suck in a deep breath and silence permeates the space between us.
“I think… I think you should fuck someone else.” I can barely force the words past my lips, and as I picture him with another girl, kissing another girl, my heart splinters just a little more.
Rafael goes very still, and when I look up at him, he looks pissed. He takes a slow step back, and then another, cutting the water. Wordlessly, he turns his back and steps out of the shower, picking up a towel. Wrapping it around his waist, he walks straight out of the room without a backward glance.
My legs give out, and I slide down the wall to the shower floor, pulling my knees to my chest. What did I just do? Did I upset him? Or did I set him free the same way he set me free? Rafael is not a man to be caged or limited. This is the right thing to do. I know it. So why do I feel like I just tore off a part of my soul and cast it to the flames?
When I finally drag myself off the shower floor, I decide that I need to be pro-active. It feels like everything is crumbling around me, but I refuse to crumble myself. I want to be strong. Strong enough to be what Rafael needs, or strong enough to watch him walk away. I’m not sure either is possible.
Lucas is waiting right outside the bedroom door, his hands folded behind his back like a soldier on alert. “You’re going to teach me how to fight.”
“What?”
“You are going—”
“I heard you, but shouldn’t the boss be doing that?”
“He’s busy.”
He groans. “He said no didn’t he?”
“No. Like I said, he’s busy. Come on.”
“Please don’t let him kill me,” he whines. Pussy.
An hour later, and I’m in the gym, facing Lucas, my fists raised in front of my face.
“No, like this.” Lucas grabs my arms and twists my body. “Feet wider.” I move, and he nods. He stands across from me, his legs spread and his fists raised. “Now, I’m gonna hit you. Block me.” He moves to hit me. Slowly. All I have to do is lift my forearm, but instead, I step back. “Anna,” he whines.
I huff out a breath and drop my hands. “Look, I’m not a fighter, okay?”
“You don’t have to be, just defend yourself.”
“You can’t blame me for not wanting to get hit.”
“Exactly, you don’t want to get hit, so block it.”
I jump when I hear a throat clear behind me. Turning around, I find not only Carlos but also Samuel standing, watching us. Oh, great. “Don’t you have work to do or something?” I snap.
Carlos’ cool mask cracks and he grins. “Ah, Anna. We’re just getting a little entertainment.”
“Glad I amuse you.”
“It’s more the idea of my brother teaching you how to fight.” Carlos strolls further into the gym and shrugs out of his hoody. He’s wearing tracksuit bottoms and a vest, the ink work on his arms is even denser than Rafael’s. Layers upon layers of intricate designs that have stained his skin in a multitude of colors.
He walks over to me and uses his foot to kick mine wider. “What are you doing?”
“Teaching you something.”
I narrow my eyes.
“Why?” Why would Carlos of all people help me?
“Carlos,” Samuel interjects. They stare at each other for a beat before Carlos rolls his eyes.
“I won’t hurt her.”
Samuel shrugs. “It’s your spinal cord he’ll rip out of your asshole….”
I wrinkle my nose. “Gross.”
“Okay, you don’t need to fight. You just need a head start.” Carlos ducks down, locking eyes with me. “If someone comes at you, you run, or you shoot. You do not attempt to throw a punch, okay?” I scowl at him but nod my head in agreement. “Three points: eyes, throat, crotch. Repeat.” He lifts his dark brows beneath the peak of his ball cap.
“Eyes, throat, crotch.”
He nods. “Now you want to aim here.” He points to the soft spot at the base of his throat. “Two fingers and jab.” He waves me forward. “Come on.” I hesitate for a second before trying to jab him in the throat. He easily knocks my hand aside. “Faster. The only chance you will have is surprise. You have to be quick.”
An hour later, and I grit my teeth as I jab at Carlos’ throat and go to knee him in the balls. He catches my knee before it makes contact. “Good.” He nods.
Lucas and Samuel have long since left, and Carlos checks his watch. “Rafe will be here soon. Seeing as it was Lucas attempting to teach you this, I guess Rafe doesn’t know about your ninja aspirations.”
I shake my head. “No.” I don’t tell him that I asked and he just gave me a gun. “And uh, thanks. For your help.” He gives me a half salute and shrugs his hoody back on.
Maybe Carlos isn’t so bad after all.
Lucas is waiting outside the door again.
“You know that’s kind of creepy,” I say.
“I’m your bodyguard. Where else am I supposed to be?”
I shrug. “I don’t know.”
He checks his watch. “It’s nearly dinner. Maria is making enchiladas.”
“How do you know?”
“Uh, because I asked her this morning.”
I snort. “Priorities.”
“Exactly.”
I follow him to the kitchen, and he takes a seat, watching Maria cook, like a dog scrounging for scraps. I go to the fridge and open it looking for some juice. Instead, I spot a bottle of white wine and snatch it from the rack. I yank the cork out with my teeth and take a sip. It doesn’t taste great, but I have the urge to do something wild and free. Maria sighs and hands me a glass. I pour it out and hand it to Lucas.
“Care to get drunk with me?”
His eyebrows hitch up. “Have you ever been drunk?”
“Nope.”
He swipes a hand down his face. “The boss won’t like this.”
“Fine.” I scowl and take the glass from him. “I’ll drink alone.”
He grabs the glass again. “No, that’s worse.” He takes a sip of the wine, and I smirk, tipping the bottle back.
Maria starts mumbling under her breath and shaking her head. “Here.” She dishes up two plates of food. “Eat something, or you’ll be sick.”
Lucas wolfs his plate of food and then eats most of mine. My stomach is too knotted up to eat. I’ve been trying not to think about it all afternoon, but I haven’t seen him at all. Not that it’s unusual. He’s often working. But what if he’s not? What if he’s with a woman? You told him to, so suck it up.
I close my eyes and suck a breath through gritted teeth before I tip the bottle up.
Two hours later, and I’m drunk. I lay on my back on the grass, staring up at the sea of stars exploded across the sky like someone scattered glitter over black paper.
“It’s pretty,” I say. “So pretty.”
Lucas sits up next to me. “You’re drunk. Maybe I should get Rafael.”
“No.” I frown. “You’re ruining my…” I wave my hand through the air. “Happy thoughts.”
“He’ll be pissed.”
“No. He’s fucking some girl.”
“What? He would never—”
“I told him to.”
Lucas sighs and collapses next to me. “Why would you do that?”
I twist to face him. “Because men have needs,” I whisper conspiratorially. I should feel hurt, or…something, but I just feel a pleasantly warm buzz in my chest.
Lucas rolls his eyes. “You’re so blind.”
I close one eye and then the other. “No, I’m not.”
He snorts and climbs to his feet, holding his hand out to me. “Okay, enough. Up you get.”
I take his hand, and he staggers as he pulls me to my fee
t. I fall against him, a laugh slipping from my lips. We half walk, half stagger back towards the house. Lucas says something to the guards on the door, but I don’t listen. I think he gets bored halfway up the stairs because he hooks his arm around my waist and practically carries me up them.
“I can walk,” I say, slapping at his arm. He puts me down at the top and snorts.
“Right. I’ll walk you to your room though. Just to be safe.”
I pause and swallow heavily. “I…can I sleep in your room?”
His eyes widen, and his cheeks tinge that adorable shade of pink. “Are you trying to get me killed?”
“I don’t want to sleep there.”
He drags a hand through his hair in aggravation. “Anna, I think you should—”
“Please.”
“There are guest rooms.”
“I don’t like being alone,” I admit. I can barely even tell Rafael that, yet, a bottle of wine and apparently I’m telling anyone who will listen.
“I’m going to die.” He turns and silently starts walking down the hall. I stagger after him.
He opens the door to his bedroom and goes to the bed, swiping a pillow and a blanket. “You have the bed.”
He doesn’t even undress, just lies on the floor on his back and tugs the blanket over himself. Now I feel bad. “Ah, it’s okay. I can sleep in another room.”
“Anna, get in the bed,” he says without opening his eyes.
I collapse on the bed, and everything spins around me. I close my eyes, trying to center myself. It’s not working. My stomach churns violently, and for a moment I think I’m going to be sick, but then it passes.
I got drunk, and it made things seem better. I smile to myself as I fall asleep.
6
Rafael
I’ve been on edge all afternoon, barely able to focus on anything. Samuel walks into the office and drops a file in front of me.
“Figures from the bars,” he says.
“Thanks.”
“And uh, the guys on the door said they saw Anna and Lucas coming in about an hour ago.” I look at him impatiently. Why is this of any consequence? He smiles. “Apparently he had his hands full. She was drunk.”