by ChaShiree M
As I go searching through my closet, I realize there is nothing in here to wear! I want to send the right message. Because I have gained weight, my clothes are now a more “mom” style and that does not go with my tats, piercings, and my general rebel attitude. The message I am looking to convey is “please love me”, followed closely by “please give me more babies.”
It might seem desperate but fuck it. At this point I am desperate. Only for him, though. I never knew you could miss someone after one night. Sure, it was an incredibly passionate night full of sex, but we also talked. It was much more, as if our soul’s fused together that night and I have not gotten it back. Not that I want it back.
I end up doing the one thing I thought I would never have to do. I call my sister-in-law Kitty for fashion advice. Ugh. This man has turned me into someone I don’t recognize and it’s not a bad thing. She is always busy with my beautiful new niece Kristy and I feel slightly bad about bothering her with this. I feel as if I am a middle school girl going on her first date. In a lot of ways this is my first date. I dated some before Dex, but it never amounted to anything. None of the kissing and heavy petting most of my high school friends were into.
My thoughts are wandering while I dial her number. I love that Kitty always answers on the first ring.
“Kitty!” I shout.
“Yes Carrie-Ann?” She says, laughing.
“I need your help! I have a date with Dex tonight and I have no idea what to wear.”
“Oh, I know all about it. Dress casual. Trust me. Jeans, a t-shirt, and flip-flops will be plenty.”
“What do you know?”
“You’ll see. Wear your Pantera shirt that doesn’t have holes.” She advises.
“Okay. Thank you, Kitty. I don’t know what I’d do without you.”
“Well, thankfully you’ll never have to find out.”
“Love you. Talk to you later.”
“You better. I want to hear all about this.”
I feel a little bit better as I get ready. God, I think it would be easier if he would realize he loves me. As far as I understand, men don’t act like cavemen for women they only like.
Miles has already picked DJ up for the night. I wait for Dex to get here. My mom has tried to talk to me about my nerves, but I just can’t deal.
When the doorbell rings, I take off to answer the door before anyone else can. Dex is standing there in jeans and a crisp white t-shirt. I need to lick my lips, as they are suddenly bone dry.
“Hi.” My voice is breathless, which I don’t recognize. I need to get a handle on my shit before I scare him off.
“Hey. Are you ready? I arranged a picnic for us, because I thought it would be easier to talk with no one else around.”
Oh. My God. I cannot believe him. This is so romantic. I am literally swooning right now. Too bad he cannot be a big boy and realize he isn’t his father.
He helps me into the passenger seat of his truck and we are off. As we pull into the park at the end of main street, I smile.
“I love this park.” I say.
“Me too. It is where I spent a lot of time, after.”
Wow. This place really means something to him. “I am honored you want to share it with me.”
He holds my hand as we walk from the truck to a spot under a huge oak tree. Where he spreads out a plaid blanket and we sit. Opening the basket, he starts setting out some of my favorite foods. Fried chicken, potato salad, baked beans, and cherry cokes.
“Okay. Who have you been talking to?” I say laughing. I make him a plate and then I make mine.
“Kitty. She helped me get this together.”
“I figured. What did you want to talk about?” I ask as I start eating.
“Us. You. Me.”
“So, there is an ‘us’?”
“There should be. And I am aware I am the problem, but it’s because you confuse me.”
“How do I confuse you when I am just me. Nothing else.”
“Ok, for example. You come from this uber rich influential family from here yet look at you.” When he says that some of my insecurities I thought I had done away with start playing peek a boo. It takes more strength than I would like not to look down and away.
“You are covered in tattoos, Carrie. And although I like it and think you look beautiful either way, it makes me curious about the why. Why did you choose to stand out so much?”
Ah. Now I get what he is saying, about confusing him. But I won’t apologize for it.
“It’s pretty simple. My father expects a lot from his children, our happiness be damned. I got my first tattoo when I was sixteen as an act of rebellion and found I liked how it made me stand out…and if I must confess, I loved how it upset my father when he found out. And from there, a tattooed Goddess was born.” I say laughing at my own joke.
I am brought up short when he replies as he is grabbing my hand, “Goddess indeed.”
He is the one who is confusing. Especially when he follows it up with his next statement.
“So, I feel that we should try and make this work. Maybe, even set an expiration date. That way if it doesn’t work out there are no hard feelings.”
Wow. He is already looking for an out. No hard feelings? He really doesn’t get it. Does he? Do I really want to get involved with him like this? His demons are going to leave him lonely. I want to yell and scream at him and make him see what he is doing, but instead I try for diplomacy. Even though my heart is breaking.
“Dex. I don’t want to you to do something you are not quite ready for. As much as I do not want to say this, we can date casually and see where it takes us. But, when it stops working for me, I am out. DJ will always bind us together, but I won’t do this to myself while you try to get your head out of your ass.”
“That sounds harsh when you say it. I won’t say this will be easy for me; but after talking to Miles, I realized that I cannot live my life this way. I know I want to be with you Carrie. The problem is I am not sure I can”
Feeling annoyed at his indecision, I opt to end that conversation with a diversion. “You said that. Are you going to kiss me or what?” I am very much over this conversation. I don’t know why I am such a sadist suddenly. This can’t end well, but I am going to try.
When his lips meet mine, I cannot help moaning. I love this man and sometimes loving someone means you help them help themselves.
Even if it hurts.
When he takes me home our kiss in the car is a little indecent, but I wish it was so much more.
Once I get home, I head straight for the shower. Yet again, I find myself crying over this man. I promised myself that once DJ was born, I’d get over it.
I guess that is one promise I cannot keep.
Sonofabitch.
I feel as if I keep fucking up. When I asked her out, it was completely my intention to let her know I am all in and for us to really be a couple. But, when we were sitting there, I kept picturing my parents doing something like this. Wondering if my dad wooed her as well. Before he turned around and killed her. Those thoughts took over and the next thing I know is I was saying let’s date casually.
What the fuck!
It is the last thing I want. I want Carrie to be mine and mine alone. The thought of another man touching, kissing, or smelling her is more than enough to have my blood pressure rising and my heart pounding out of my chest.
What the hell are you doing Dex? That is your god damn woman and you gave her permission to be mauled by another man. Fool, you are slipping. Man, the fuck up! Giving myself the Miles pep talk.
Getting ready to go and claim my woman, I almost get to the door when my phone rings.
“Hello.”
“Hey Dex. How’s it hanging?” Huh. Jace is calling me? It’s not exactly unheard of, but usually it is about something involving business or a party. And, because I know of nothing going on in their neck of the woods, since I spoke with the contractor earlier and everything is fine. None of it makes sense.
“Jace. This is a surprise. What’s up?” I ask with curiosity.
“Uhm…well I don’t know how to say this, and Penny will have my ass if she finds out, but I overheard her and Carrie talking something about casual dating. Anyway, the point is Penny gave her the number for Loki Jorgensen. Look man, I don’t know what is going on with you two, but it is obvious to anyone who knows you that you love each other. I suggest you get your head out of your ass and make it right. I got to go before Penny comes back. See you at the wedding?” He asks.
Head hanging and heart hurting, I tell him sure and hang up. With my head in my hands, I am suppressing everything I have been holding in for the past 17 years and finally with one wail it all comes out. Crushing and breaking everything in sight, I scream, roar, yell, curse, and cry. I even fucking cry.
I cry for my parents, who were taken from us too early by jealousy and pain. I cry for my siblings and myself for being orphaned and abandoned so young. I cry for my son, who went a whole year without knowing how much I will love, cherish, and would never hurt him.
But most of all, I cry for me and Carrie. We have wasted so much time, mainly because of me and I hope I am not too late. In the distance I can hear thunder and I think how fitting the sound is now. The weather and my mood are synced. Between the sorrow and the grief, I am murderous at the thought of Loki and Carrie finding what should belong to us.
Happily, ever after.
When all of the rage has finally subsided, and I am able to calm myself down, I look at the destruction in my place and it doesn’t even register. The only thing that feels right now is my heart. For once it feels light and empty, like it is ready to be filled with someone else.
My Carrie.
Picking up my phone, I call Lanie.
“Hey Lanie. Its Dexter Heart.”
“Hi Dexter. How are you? To what do I owe the pleasure?”
“Well, I had a bit of difficulty at my place and was wondering if you could call Emmy and send some girls over to clean it? I am going to be leaving the house in say an hour and will leave the key under the mat.”
“Oh sure. My sister would be happy to help. Her business is really taking off so any jobs she gets is a plus. I will relay the message. Consider it done.”
“Excellent. Hey, do you happen to have the number to the real estate agent she used to find her office space?”
“Uh yea, I sure do. I will text the vCard to you. Looking for anything specific?”
“Yea. A place to raise my family. Thanks for everything Lanie. Got to go.”
Now, knowing what I want and what I have to do, I feel like myself only better. Time to take a shower, get dressed, and make the phone call.
Then, it’s time to go and get my girl.
I am not sure why I agreed to do this. Oh wait. Yes, I do. The love of my life wants to date casually. What the fuck. I am bored out of my mind. Loki Jorgenson is attractive, if you like clean cut Vikings who only talk about their job. Obviously, he is just as bored as I am. Note to self: Thank Penny for a marvelous time.
My mom is babysitting DJ tonight and all I can think about is what I am going to have for a snack when I get home. I currently still live with my parents, but I have my own private entrance at the basement level. It isn’t a dungeon by any means. It’s a soundproof (thanks to El’s garage band days) three-bedroom apartment with two bathrooms, a kitchen, and living room. DJ and I are very comfortable down there. When Loki pulls into my driveway, I kiss him on the cheek and thank him for dinner. That is about as honest as I can make it. He doesn’t say that he will call me, thankfully.
It has been raining all evening, but as soon as I step out of his car it starts to pour. The white sundress I decided to wear is useless. The sky lights up with lightening as I dash to my door. I have always loved the chaos of thunderstorms. A real ceraunophile, my sleeve tattoos are dedicated to clouds and lightning. I don’t turn around to see if Loki left. I shut the door and press my back against. The puddle I leave on the floor is going to drive me crazy, so I take my shoes off and walk carefully to the kitchen for a towel.
I catch a glimpse of myself in the mirror by the front door, as I walk back to it. My hair, which I straightened looks like a dripping mess of curly q’s and you can see through both my dress and my underwear. I like to keep it classy. Obviously. As I am mopping up the floor, there is a light knock. Oh God. Please don’t be Loki.
When I open the door, Dex is standing there. Soaking wet. My pussy clenches at the sight of him. Just then there is a huge flash of lightning and a very loud thunder clap. I grab his arm and pull him inside.
“Dex? What the hell is wrong with you? How long have you been standing out there?” He just stares at me and licks his lips. His eyes are glued to my tits. I snap my fingers in his face.
“Dex!” I shout.
“Uh, sorry. How was your date?”
“What the fuck? Are you really doing this right now?” I demand, crossing my arms over my chest. Dex’s eyes bulge and when I look down my tits somehow look even more obscene. I drop them immediately.
“Sorry. That isn’t why I came here.”
“Well. I am waiting, and I am freezing.”
“I just wanted to tell you, I made a mistake yesterday. I don’t want to date you casually.”
I am not proud of the fact I fucking lose it. More tears for Dexter Heart. I need help or medication. Possibly both.
“Are you kidding me? You are a giant asshole. I cannot believe I fell in love with you. You don’t get women at all.” I spit at him through tears.
“You misunderstand me. I want to be exclusive. Your only fucking man.”
When he moves towards me, I take a hasty step back and slip in a puddle. Before I can hit the floor, he catches me and hauls me to his chest.
“Dex?”
“You’re my woman, Carrie-Ann. I’m sorry for all the bullshit.”
“Are you doing this because I went out on a date? An ‘if I can’t have you, no one can’ kind of thing?”
“No. I meant to say this yesterday, but I got lost in my head.”
Fuck. He is my weakness and I don’t think I can stand losing him, once I have him.
“It’s not just me. We cannot confuse DJ with this back and forth shit.” I say, but I am already his and I am sure he knows it.
“No more back and forth. My head is firmly out of my ass.”
The thunder is crashing all around us and it couldn’t be more fitting. I burst into laughter, that is silenced as soon as his lips meet mine. When we pull apart, we are both panting. It has been so long for me. I cannot entertain the idea if he has been with any others since me.
“Dex?” I say as I turn around. “Can you unzip me?” When he does I move towards my bedroom, while dropping the dress a few feet from him. I hear his shoes hit the ground, then his belt. God, I love that sound. I toss my bra and shimmy out of my panties.
I stand, in the dark, by my bed and watch as he stalks towards me. I am so wet, I can feel it coating my thighs. It turns me on even more. The rain is beating against the tiny windows and lightening lights it up. He drags his fingers across my cheek and grips my chin, hard.
“Did you miss me Care Bear? The nickname he gave me that night rolls off his tongue.
“I missed your cock for sure.” I say, gripping his full thick cock. His finger trail down my neck to my nipples. They are already hard for him.
My tan skin against his pale skin looks right.
“Say it again.” I know what he wants me to say, but this feel like too much right now. All of my nerve endings are on fire and I need him inside me.
“I missed your cock.” I begin to stroke it and drop to my knees and take him into my mouth. He mumbled a curse making me smile. As I take him to the back of my throat, his hand latches into my wet and already messy hair. He uses it to forcefully guide my movements. Fuuuck. Why is that so fucking hot? When he pulls me off his cock, the trail of saliva that connects us is so filthy it is s
exy. He lifts me up from the floor by armpits and tosses me on my bed. I bounce twice. Dex strokes his cock while looking down at my spread legs. My pussy is so wet, I rub my thighs together for some relief.
“You going to tell me what I need to hear?” He demands, climbing on the bed and resting between my open legs. His hands grip my thighs as he leans down to kiss me. His lips skate down my body as his mouth closes over one nipple and then the other. He continues his downward path over my stomach. I try to push him away. The stretch marks from DJ are stark white and stand out on my dark skin. He gently slaps my hands away.
“You are my goddess. You carried our baby. These marks show me and only me what a fucking warrior queen you are.” I can only lay there as he kisses, licks, and nips each one. It’s like he doesn’t even notice the weight I’ve gained. By the time he is done, I am an achy, sticky mess. The rain has dried on my skin, only to be replaced with our commingling sweat. I want to lick his chest, so I do.
The first time, I didn’t really get a chance to examine his tattoos, but I trace them with my fingers now. His body is a canvas. When my heels dig into his ass, he drags his cock through my wetness. Teasing me. Frustrating man.
“Tell me, Carrie-Ann. Let me hear the words.”
Motherfucker.
“I love you, Dex.” I breathe out through clenched teeth. He has so much power over me and I hate that he didn’t say it back.
His eyes close as he slams his cock into me. I scream in delight.
Oh shit.
Her pussy is better than I remember. Being inside her warm wet heat is like being welcomed home. I know I should have taken my time and made her readier for me, but finally having her against me and under me made me impatient as fuck.
“Fuck baby. I thought I remembered but being inside you is nothing like I remember. It’s better. And having you tell me you love me while putting myself balls deep inside you, my eyes almost crossed.” I hold still for a second, because I know this is already going to be over before I am ready. Given how far gone I am already.