by Liane Shaw
I’d like to think that I was suave and smooth and answered with some sort of witty response that would make her think that I was a good choice to join her entourage of minions. I don’t actually remember what I said, but I am pretty sure I stammered and stuttered and probably drooled. Always so very cool.
April 10
I saw that guy again. I mean, I saw Wolf again. Or Pieter or whoever he is. He just kind of walked by my room and sort of looked in my direction. I think I opened my mouth to say something brilliant but he was gone by the time my brain realized that my mouth was trying to speak. Maybe they have therapy for girls who can’t talk to boys. I should check it out. I could just spend my whole day floating from one therapist to the other until my mind is completely out of my control.
Am I still technically a girl or am I officially a woman now? I can’t drink legally until I’m nineteen but I’ve been able to drive since I was sixteen. I can’t vote until next year.
Why is it that the government thinks that a sixteen-year-old can operate a two-ton piece of fast-moving machinery but they can’t walk into a little portable closet and put a checkmark in a box?
Anyway, I am probably not an adult yet as far as anyone official cares. How old do I have to be to check myself out of here? I bet none of these guard dogs around here would tell me if I asked them. My parents sure wouldn’t tell me. Maybe that guy would know. Of course, to find out, I would have to be able to actually put enough words together to ask him. I bet Marina never has trouble figuring out what to say to guys … or anyone else for that matter. I wonder how someone like her ended up in a place like this? Does she have friends somewhere who are missing her? She seems like the kind of person who would have friends.
Of all of the things I hate about this place, the thing I hate the most is that I don’t have the Internet. I have a laptop because they think that I need to write and they don’t want me to have a pencil or a pen in case I decide to off myself with it – that would just be gross by the way – but they have decided that the World Wide Web is some sort of evil network designed to negatively influence impressionable people like me. That isn’t exactly how they put it, but it’s close enough. They have no idea how much I miss the Internet. I would feel a whole lot saner if I had it here.
Did I mention that this joint is called “Living for Life”? Can you think of a dorkier name on the face of the planet? It sounds like some sort of whacked-out religious cult that’s going to launder my brain with their bull until it’s squeaky clean. More evidence that this is a cult. Maybe some door-to-door salesman showed up at my parents’ house and sold them a year’s subscription to hell on earth.
How can they take away all of my rights and freedoms and then try to tell me how to live for life? I don’t have any life at the moment. No phone, no TV, no Internet, no friends, no nothing!
No friends. How pathetic is that. Maybe they can add that to the list of things wrong with me and make me have extra therapy sessions to discuss my lack of social skills and apparent inability to communicate effectively with my peers. Gag me.
Actually, I do have friends. Real, true friends who care about me and accept me just the way I am and aren’t trying to change me and tell me to do things differently. I’m just not allowed to talk to them. I miss them so much I feel like I’m going mental. All I need is half an hour a day on the computer and I’ll be OK. All I need is some time to talk to my girls.
We were a team and now I’m not there and no one even knows where I am. It’s so unfair. The only people who understand me at all are hidden away from me now, floating somewhere out in cyber space while I rot away in this supposedly “real” world. They probably look for me every night and wonder why I’m not online. I didn’t even get a chance to say goodbye to them before I got tossed in here.
I feel like screaming.
chapter 8
alwaysannie says:
u talking to SA???
madmaddie says:
totally! can u believe it? man, SA talking to me! Little old me. Well, not exactly little but still me. she liked my clothes and told me she liked them. amazing! i might have to retire the outfit or something, you know like a sports jersey. what did I have on anyway?
alwaysannie says:
u sound a little nuts, MM. is that all she said?
madmaddie says:
is that all she said? R u nuts? This is amazingness of all amazingness!
alwaysannie says:
so what did she say?
madmaddie says:
i can’t remember. Lol
alwaysannie says:
don’t believe you!
madmaddie says:
invited me to one of her friday parties. this friday. she listed a bunch of people who were coming and … guess who??????
angelicallyssa says:
the great JG?
alwaysannie says:
JG? really? you should go!
madmaddie says:
psychic chicks! it feels kind of funny though. i mean, u ppl won’t be there will u?
rowdyruth says:
hardly. We’re not cool enough for SA!
angelicallyssa says:
So not true. SA just doesn’t see quality!
madmaddie says:
Thx a lot!
angelicallyssa says:
Except for u I mean!
alwaysannie says:
well, do you want to go?
angelicallyssa says:
Course she wants to go.
alwaysannie says:
MM, r u in there????
madmaddie says:
sorry. just thinking about ur question. we always said SA was stuck up and stuff. don’t want to be stuck up too.
alwaysannie says:
give it a chance. Maybe we were wrong.
rowdyruth says:
Totally
madmaddie says:
seriously? u won’t mind?
alwaysannie says:
go, have fun. make JG fall madly, passionately in love with you.
madmaddie says:
as if
divinedevon says:
Hey. Ur better than SA any day.
madmaddie says:
Thx DD
divinedevon says:
YW. I mean it. JG would be lucky to have u for a g/f.
madmaddie says:
A g/f!!! just want to say hi to the guy!
rowdyruth says:
U gotta think big!
alwaysannie says:
Totally agree with RR
angelicallyssa says:
Go to the party. Have fun. Fall in love.
madmaddie says:
Sounds easy! U ppl r the best!
alwaysannie says:
So ur going?
madmaddie says:
K. TYVM u guys. I’m going to do it. I think.
rowdyruth says:
U r!
angelicallyssa says:
BFN
divinedevon says:
GTR…
alwaysannie says:
ttyl
I spent the rest of the week wobbling between excitement and complete terror. Friday night arrived on the scene long before I was ready for it. Have you ever noticed Time has a twisted sense of humor? When you are doing something you need it for, like answering an exam question on the entire history of the world, it flies away from you before you have a chance to breathe. When you are stuck doing something that you desperately want to end, like listening to a teacher tell you about the entire history of the world, Time crawls along, mocking you as you desperately beg it to move forward.
Friday night fell under both categories. I wanted it to come fast and I didn’t want it to come at all. Once it did get there, I didn’t know what to do with it.
“Hey, what are you doing?” Annie walked into my room, where I was buried under clothes.
“I am trying on stuff. I don’t have anything to wear. I don’t have any new clothes so Suzanne has probably seen ev
erything I have and she’ll think that I don’t have anything else to wear, which I don’t!” I kind of whined it, which I am not proud of. I tore off yet another sweater and threw it on the bed. Annie looked a little like she was regretting her offer to come and help me get ready.
“I’m sure you have something nice. I doubt Suzanne has really paid that much attention to everything you own. I like this one on you,” She held out a blue sweater. I put it on, even though I was pretty sure it was a discard from about an hour before.
“Oh, God, this one makes me look like a cow!” Still whining.
“Then someone forgot to feed the animals, because you are a pretty skinny-looking cow!”
“Yeah, well, I’ve never seen a cow with a butt this big!” I twisted around so that I could see myself in the mirror. I needed one of those three-panel jobs the stores have.
“You obviously haven’t seen many cows then, city girl.” Annie said, shaking her head a little. She sounded impatient, which I thought was monumentally unfair. I mean, she offered to help.
“I’ve seen enough cows to know when I look like one! I probably shouldn’t go. I wouldn’t fit in anyway.” I sat down on my clothes pile.
“Maddie, please just put on some clothes and go. You used to make jokes about yourself and it was funny but now everything is so serious! You really sound like you’re going over the edge here.”
“Look, I don’t need you here if you’re going to make things worse. I thought you came to help.”
“I am trying. You aren’t really making it easy. I don’t understand what you’re doing.”
“I’m sorry. I just want to look perfect.” I could feel the tears welling up and tried to fight them back. “I’ve tried so hard, but I still look fat in everything.”
“Maddie, you don’t look fat. You can’t look fat, because you aren’t fat. Just look at yourself!” She took me by the shoulders and stood me in front of the mirror. I looked at myself. Was she blind or just trying to be mean? Couldn’t she see how fat I still was? Was she trying to make me feel bad?
“You just don’t understand,” I said, sniffling.
“You’re right, I don’t!” Annie looked a little like she wanted to cry too. What did she have to cry about? She had always been skinny, ever since we were kids. She couldn’t possibly get it.
“Should I go or not? What if everyone laughs at me?” I asked, even though I was pretty sure she wouldn’t have an answer.
“If anyone laughs, you tell them exactly where to go and then you leave. Besides, no one is going laugh. You look great!” She said that because I finally had some clothes actually on. I kept on the blue sweater and matched it with some new, already faded jeans. My mother had a lot of trouble with that concept. She could not figure out why I would want to buy jeans that looked like someone else had already worn them for a year or two. I tried to explain the concept of fashion to her, but my mom still used the word “slacks” when she talked about my pants, so I figured she was a lost cause. I finger-combed my hair and took a deep breath.
“So, am I ready?”
“Yes, you are definitely ready. Have a terrific time … and relax!” Annie gave me a quick hug and headed off for home. I stood for another minute staring at myself in the mirror, willing it to make me smaller. The mirror was uncooperative so I just made myself go downstairs before I chickened out completely.
Steve drove me to Suzanne’s huge house in the rich people’s subdivision. I could see the glow of lights reflecting off the pool in the backyard. Wow. We had one of those little molded plastic wading pools that we both had outgrown about a zillion years ago. We still filled it up sometimes just to cool our feet off. My whole house would have fit into Suzanne’s garage.
“Hey, kid, you’re moving up in the world. Be careful and don’t do anything that I would do.” Steve ruffled my already messy hair and I slapped his hand away. I gave a quick prayer of thanks to the weather gods that it was too cold for swimming. I was still too gross to go out in public in a bathing suit.
“That whole silent routine is very attractive, kid. Anyway, I’ll pick you up at exactly eleven, Mom’s orders.” I smiled a little and nodded as I got out of the car and stood for a minute watching the car drive away.
I remember I stood on the front porch for what seemed like forever. Time playing his little tricks again. I could hear music that I didn’t recognize and lots of yelling and laughing. I looked around the yard a bit, wondering what I was supposed to do. No one would hear me knock but I didn’t know anyone well enough to just walk in. I didn’t want to stand on the porch for three hours waiting for Steve to come back and rescue me. My problem was solved – or maybe it was just starting – when the door opened and Suzanne came out with her perfect boyfriend, Sean. He was probably the quarterback on the football team or something equally impressive that I can’t remember right now.
“Twelve should be enough,” Suzanne was saying to him as she kissed him full on the mouth. I tried not to stare. I had only ever kissed my pillow on the mouth and it was always kind of dry and unresponsive. Sean’s mouth looked a lot wetter and more enthusiastic.
“Sure, babe, back soon,” he said, breaking the clinch and running past without noticing me. I wasn’t surprised. Boys never seemed to notice me. He hopped into a tiny red car and roared off with a loud squealing noise. I’ve often wondered why it seems that only teenage boys are able to make that precise sound when they drive. Do they learn in it Driver’s Ed?
“Oh, hi, um, Marty, is it?” Suzanne finally registered that I was there. I nodded like an idiot. Marty’s a nice name too. Of course, it wasn’t my name, but I wasn’t going to quibble.
“Hi,” I said, relieved that I could still, apparently, talk.
“Come on in. Sean’s just gone home to snag some more beer. His parents stock-pile the stuff. They don’t notice when he borrows some, so long as he takes a little at a time. He’ll be legal in a month, so we won’t have to do this anymore. I can’t wait!”
I followed her into the living room, which was completely full of bodies. Every surface seemed to have someone on it, drinking or talking or making out. I saw a few people I recognized from school. Not too many band nerds there. Actually, none that I could see.
Many strangers. I felt instantly and totally out of place and wished with all of my heart that Annie or Ruth or Devon or Alyssa was standing beside me.
“Help yourself,” Suzanne was saying, holding an open bottle of beer towards me.
I looked at it in a blind panic. I had never had alcohol in my life. I know that sounds hopelessly nerdy, but it was true. My mom had pounded it into my head that booze was dangerous for young ladies, leading to a loss of control and the possibility of finding oneself in a compromising position with an equally out-of-control boy. She also told me that I would say things I would regret and act like an idiot. Since I already felt like an idiot, I didn’t want to start talking like one too. Not that I believed most things my mother said about life anymore, but at the same time, I couldn’t be absolutely sure she was wrong about this one. This was not the time or the place to test the theory for the first time. What was I supposed to do? Saying no made me look like a baby and saying yes could make all of my mother’s predictions come true, which would give her the ultimate “I told you so” moment and mark the end of my already shaky social life.
“I don’t drink beer,” I said, a flash of brilliance lighting up my night. “It’s too fattening.” I held my breath a little, terrified that I had ended my evening right there and then.
“Fattening, eh? Yeah, I read that somewhere. I always thought you just peed it all away, though!” Suzanne laughed and drank about half the bottle in one go.
“No, I think it has, like, two hundred calories or something. Even light beer has over a hundred most of the time,” I improvised. I didn’t actually know. I’d never looked it up and I didn’t have my book on me. I had heard it somewhere, sometime, maybe, perhaps, but I wasn’t sure.
“Two hundred, eh? Wow, that’s a lot. Maybe I should try something else. How many calories in vodka?” Suzanne seemed actually interested.
“I don’t know but I can look it up,” I offered.
“Could you? That would be great. So, you’re really into the whole diet thing, aren’t you?”
“I guess so.” I wasn’t sure if that was the right answer or not.
“Do you, like, check the calories in everything you eat?”
“Pretty much,” I said, still not sure if I was on the right track. This was the sort of stuff I didn’t understand at all.
“Cool. You already lost lots of weight. You still dieting?”
“Sort of.” Safe answer.
“Well, good for you. I’ll know who to ask for advice if I ever get up the willpower to lose weight!” Suzanne patted her concave stomach. “I’d better go see if Sean’s back. Have fun.”
I stood there wondering how to do that. I couldn’t find anyone to talk to. I wondered where Suzanne’s parents might be. They didn’t seem to be home. Hmmm.
I guess that would be the point to the Friday night parties. Smart, Maddie – I mean, Marty. My parents would freak if Steve or I ever did anything remotely like have a parentless party.
“Hi.”
My thoughts were interrupted by the most gorgeous voice on the planet coming out of an equally gorgeous mouth. I looked up to find Jesse smiling down at me. My heart started pounding like an out-of-control metronome. I was sure he could hear it over all of the party noise and I tried to tell it to be quiet.
“Hi.” Snappy comeback, Maddie-Marty.
“Having fun?”
“Oh, yes.” Good job. Two whole words.
“Want a drink?” He held out a beer towards me. I didn’t think he would be as impressed with the whole calorie-counting excuse as Suzanne so I just kind of nodded like my head had come loose and took it from him. I had forgotten how to talk so I took a long enough drink to try to get my mind under control. Although, in retrospect, sucking back alcohol is likely not the best method of personal mind control.