The pain of not being good enough for anyone.
“Then let’s stop,” she said thickly, staring at him. “Let’s stop running. Let’s stay and see if we can work it out. See if we can fix it. Together.”
For a second she thought he might, that she’d broken through to him like he’d broken through to her. When something flickered in his eyes, something she thought was maybe hope. But then it died.
“I can’t,” Sean said. “I can deal with not being good enough for Donovan and Jax. But I can’t deal with not being good enough for you.”
The pain dug in, anger glowing like a hot coal in her chest.
He didn’t choose you last time. What makes you think he’ll choose you now?
He wouldn’t, of course. But she had to try. She’d sworn she wouldn’t make herself vulnerable again, that she was a strong, successful woman now. Yet how strong could she actually be if she couldn’t even say the words that mattered the most?
“You are good enough for me,” she said, her voice cracking. “You’ve always been good enough for me, Sean. I loved you back then and … ” She swallowed. “I still do.”
His gaze went flat, cold. “Yeah, and that’s why I have to leave.”
The tears made her vision blur. Made his face waver. She felt like he’d kicked her. Back then, she’d been too afraid to tell him how she’d really felt and she’d always wondered if that would have made a difference. Not so much as it turned out. “Why? What’s so wrong with me loving you?”
The look on his face twisted. “Because nobody loves me, Abigail. Don’t you get that? Because love doesn’t fucking exist.”
Abby folded her arms over her chest, protecting the ball of pain that sat behind her breastbone. No, she wasn’t going to let him see how much it hurt. Wouldn’t let it destroy her like it almost had the last time. And she damn well wasn’t going to beg him to stay.
“Okay,” she said, proud of the way her voice didn’t crack on the word. “If that’s how you feel, then don’t let me stop you. But don’t think for a moment that running away makes you a better person because it doesn’t. It only makes you a fucking coward.”
And this time it was she who turned her back on him.
She who walked away.
Chapter 9
In the parking garage of the Four Seasons, Sean crouched down by his Harley, checking over a few things. He was packed up and ready to go, not that he had a hell of a lot to take with him. The clothes he already had and that was it. He’d left the suits, everything that didn’t belong to him, everything he didn’t belong in. Because he didn’t belong and didn’t want to.
Nice fucking excuse, dick. Abby was right. You’re too much of a fucking coward to try.
Sean scowled at a scratch in the Harley’s glossy paint and tried to ignore the stupid voice in his head.
No, fuck that. He wasn’t a coward. Some things, some problems, weren’t fixable. Hair could be cut and he could put on a suit. He could apologize to a woman he’d hurt. He could clean up blood on a kitchen table. But that didn’t change anything.
He was still a fucking monkey. Abby was still hurt. And his mom had still killed herself rather than take care of him.
At least he had anger. Sure, he’d ruined Jax and Donovan’s moment when he’d seen that drunken prick paw at Abby and, yes, he’d lost it and gone absolutely fucking ballistic. Forgetting where he was and what he was supposed to represent. But hell, the guy had needed some consequences dealt to him. And really, what had his brothers expected? He was an ex-biker not a fucking choirboy.
Don’t think for a moment that running away makes you a better person because it doesn’t….
His throat felt tight but he ignored the sensation. Christ, she didn’t understand. He had to go. Jax or Donovan would get rid of him eventually anyway. Because if the fight didn’t make them, then sooner or later something else would. And the same went for Abby. He’d fuck up again, hurt her again. Why prolong it?
Make all the damn excuses you like. You’re still a fucking coward.
“Where the hell do you think you’re going?”
Sean’s head jerked up in time to see Jax striding through the echoing garage toward him. Ah, fuck. He hadn’t been fast enough.
He straightened up, grabbed the helmet resting on the seat. “I’m leaving.”
“What the hell for?” Jax stopped, his blue eyes snapping with anger.
“You really have to ask that after last night?”
“Since you’re leaving us to deal with the fallout, yes.”
Sean set his jaw. “I can’t stay, Jax. I’m a liability.”
“I dealt with the guy. He’s not going to press charges.”
The breath went out of him. “How much did you have to pay him?”
Jax didn’t deny it. “Enough. But that’s not really the issue, is it? The issue is you being a coward and leaving.”
The knife sunk deep, too close to his own stupid conscience already gnawing a hole in his brain. He looked away from his brother, pain twisting in his heart. “Shit, man. I don’t have to answer to you.”
“No, you have to answer to her.”
That made him go cold inside. He didn’t need to ask who Jax was talking about. “Don’t bring Abby into this.”
“You think I don’t know what’s been going on between you two? I know, Sean. I’m not a fucking idiot. So are you going to leave me to deal with her again, too?”
He swallowed, cold freezing him all the way through. “I never asked you to do that the first time around.”
“Someone had to be man enough to do it. Especially when you weren’t.”
Sean met his brother’s uncompromising stare, felt the shame seeping back through him. And reflexively reached for anger since that was so much easier to deal with. “You really want to go there with me, big brother?” he said coldly, using his enforcer’s voice. “Because I don’t think you fucking do.”
Jax stepped forward all of a sudden, so they were toe-to-toe, eye-to-eye. “What are you going to do, Sean?” he asked softly. “Punch me out like you punched out that guy last night? Prove to yourself you’re just as bad as everyone thinks? So you never have to deal with the consequences? Is that how it’s going to go?”
The anger was a living thing in his veins, demanding an outlet. And yet he couldn’t seem to bring himself to lay a hand on his big brother.
“You’re an adult,” Jax went on. “You can’t just keep running away every time you fuck up. You need to deal with your shit. And if not for Donovan and me, then do it for Abby. She needs you and if you leave her for the second time, so help me, I’ll hunt you down and drag you back myself.”
He couldn’t speak. He’d never been able to when things got tough. When it hurt.
Except you did last night. You told her everything. Even what happened to Mom.
Yeah, but that was because it was her. Because she needed an explanation.
Because you didn’t want her to see what a coward you were?
His fingers curled hard around his helmet and he tore his gaze away from Jax’s, looking down at the oil-stained concrete of the garage floor. “You don’t want me,” he forced out through his constricted throat. “It’s better for you … for Abby … that I go now, before I do any more damage.”
“That’s the biggest heap of crap I’ve ever heard. You think I welcomed you into Morrow, made a place for you on my team, just for the hell of it? For fun?”
Sean lifted his gaze. “Dad didn’t want me, not really. And neither did your mom. Why should you?”
“Because you’re intelligent. Because you’re an asset. Because you’re straight up, no bullshit. And last but by no means fucking least, because you’re my brother and I want you here where you belong.”
He swallowed, staring at the other man, his heart feeling like it was going to burst out of his chest. “But I can’t … make it right. I can’t fix it for you and Van, and I can’t fix it for her, either.”
Jax only stared at him. “Do you love her?”
Longing broke open inside him, flooding through him like a wave.
Love had been the one thing he’d never thought about in conjunction with Abby. Deliberately. Because it was the one thing he knew he didn’t deserve.
But telling his brother he didn’t love her was one lie he couldn’t bring himself to say.
He did love her. He’d just never let himself acknowledge it. In fact, he’d probably always loved her. Right from the very first moment she’d peered over the garden wall that had separated the Morrows’ town house from the Prescotts’. The moment he’d caught a glimpse of curious green eyes under a mop of brown hair. And she’d smiled at him. No one had ever smiled like that at him before. Or since. Yes,” he said, biting the word out.
“Then why are you being such a stupid bastard?” Jax snapped. “We need you, Sean. And so does Abby.”
Fear locked his muscles, closed a cold hand around his heart. He couldn’t seem to move, his knuckles white where he gripped his helmet. “But … what if … I fail her? What if … I fuck up?” He forced himself to meet his brother’s blue stare. “What if she ends up hating me … ?” The way Mom hated you….
“Sean, if your leaving and all the shit she had to go through the first time around didn’t end up making her hate you, then probably nothing will, understand? Unless you leave again and then, yeah, maybe she’ll hate you.”
“Jesus, Jax.”
“Look, I’m not here to give you easy answers. All I can tell you is that, yeah, fucking up is hard. God knows I did with Pandora. But you learn from your mistakes and you try hard not to fuck up again.”
“It can’t be that simple.”
“Of course it’s that simple. And then you keep on trying hard until you’re fucking up less than normal. And you do it because she’s worth it. Because you love her.”
Sean looked away, down at his bike. Maybe his brother was right. Maybe it was that simple. He wanted it to be. He really did. “Then how do you get over all the … fear?”
Jax let out a long breath. “That? That, you never get over. You just learn to live with it.”
But could he?
Because she’s worth it.
Was Abby worth it? Stupid fucking question.
There’s your answer, dickhead.
Sean abruptly lifted his helmet and shoved it down over his head. Then he put his leg over his bike.
“I hope you’re going where I think you’re going,” Jax said, eyeing him.
Sean kicked up the stand. “I’m going to try and not fuck up.”
The look on his brother’s face softened. “Hell, yeah. You’re a Morrow, Sean. You always have been.”
* * *
Abby came out of the Morrow building, looking at the e-mails on her phone. Not really taking them in but looking at them all the same.
She was starting her new job at the De Winter Group in a couple of weeks and she really had to get a handle on all the unfinished stuff she had to do at Morrow before that happened.
Unfinished stuff like Sean?
No, she wasn’t going to think of Sean. Not ever. He’d made his choice and that was fine with her. More than fine. She was done with the pain he’d caused.
He’d made his choice and it wasn’t her, and she would go on with her life. End of story.
As she came to a halt at the bottom of the steps, she slowly became aware that there was a long, black car waiting at the curb. At first she didn’t pay any attention because there were always long, black cars waiting outside the Morrow building. Then the driver got out and smiled at her. “Miss Prescott?”
Abby blinked. “Yes?”
He pulled open the limo door and held it wide. “Mr. Morrow would like to speak with you.”
“Mr. Morrow?” she repeated blankly.
“He said it was urgent.”
Yeah, but which Mr. Morrow was it?
It’s not Sean. He’s gone. So why are you even worrying?
She wasn’t worrying, not at all. And of course it wasn’t Sean. He’d gone off into the wild blue yonder and she probably wouldn’t ever see him again.
Pain twisted inside her at the thought and she cursed under her breath, hating that she even felt it. “Of course,” she said aloud to the driver, forcing a smile onto her face. And ducked her head to get into the car.
Then the whole world came to a screaming halt as the door closed and she realized who was sitting in the seat opposite.
Sean.
He was in his usual T-shirt and jeans ensemble, leather jacket and bike helmet beside him. His blond hair was spiked up like he’d run his hands through it too many times, and the look in his eyes … desire, heat, and determination all rolled up into one.
Abby couldn’t breathe. She clutched onto her briefcase, keeping it on her lap as a barrier between them. “What the hell are you doing here?” she managed to get out. “Weren’t you supposed to be leaving?”
“I was,” Sean said, his voice low and deep. “But then I changed my mind.”
No, he couldn’t mean that. She didn’t want him to mean that. Because then hope would wiggle through the cracks in her armor, would make a home for itself inside her. And she couldn’t bear that. It was easier to keep not feeling a thing.
“Why?” she asked, gripping her briefcase tightly. “You made your choice pretty clear last night.”
Sean didn’t move, his big body utterly still, his dark eyes fixed on her. “Yeah, and I was wrong.”
“Oh? What about?”
“About everything. I’ve been angry for a long time, Abby. Angry at all the people who were supposed to care about me and didn’t. Mom. My dad. My stepmom. But, I think you were right. Anger was only ever a way to cover up the fact that I’m shit-scared.” He paused, took a breath. “I’m scared there’s something bad inside me. Something that makes me not worth caring about. And that’s why I walked away last night. Because, shit, I can handle not being wanted by my damn brothers. But I can’t take it from you.” He stopped again, ran his hand through his already spiky hair. “I’m still scared, Abby. I’m scared that I’ll fuck up, that I’ll hurt you, fail you. I’m scared you’ll eventually see what a complete fucking loser I really am. But … I guess what I’m trying to say is that I want to try. I want to try not to fuck up. I want to try to fix things like you said. And I want to do that with you.”
Abby’s throat closed up. She struggled to keep her usual calm but it seemed to have vanished. “Sean … ” This time it was her who couldn’t speak.
He leaned forward suddenly. “I’m sick of running away. I’m sick of being a coward. I’m sick of being scared all the damn time that I’m not good enough. That I’ll disappoint people. That in the end, all I’ll ever be is that stupid little kid that no one wanted.”
“No,” she said hoarsely, somehow finding the breath to speak. “I wanted you. I always wanted you.”
Something flared in his gaze. He reached for her hands on top of her briefcase, covering them. His warmth flooding through her, up her arms and into her soul. “And I always wanted you, too. I know I told you I never felt that way about you but I lied. I’ve been lying to myself for years. I loved you the moment I saw you and I haven’t stopped loving you. I just … Christ, no one ever taught me what love was until you came along.”
She hadn’t meant to cry again but there were tears in her eyes all the same. She looked down at his hands over hers, big and strong. Sheltering her, protecting her.
And she realized all of a sudden that no matter what she’d tried to tell herself, she hadn’t moved on. That she was still that vulnerable little girl whom her father hurt. Whom her mother ignored. Whom Sean had left. She realized that no amount of sex and pain would make her stronger.
The only thing that would was the truth that had been in her heart all these years and was sitting there still. Love didn’t hurt you. It made you strong. He made her strong.
She swallowed. “I’m scared, too
, Sean. I’m scared I’m … not enough for you. That I’m not important.”
“Abby, no—”
“I’ve never been important to anyone.” She looked up at him, met his gaze. “Not my dad, not my mom. No one except you. And then … you left. Like you had a choice between me and the club, and your choice wasn’t me.”
Sean looked at her for a long moment. Then he suddenly pulled the briefcase away from her and tugged her across the space between them and into his arms. She didn’t protest, didn’t try to get away. She’d been hiding from her feelings, from herself, for too long and she couldn’t do it anymore.
Instead she buried her face in his neck as his arms came around her, holding her in his lap so tightly it was like he was afraid she’d get away.
“You were important,” he murmured. “Too important. And I told myself I had to go because I wasn’t good enough for you. But … that was an excuse. I was scared. And Christ, I’m still scared. But, I’m not running, Abby. Not anymore. My choice is you and I want to stay here with you for as long as you want me. If you still want me, that is.”
“I do,” she said hoarsely into his shirt. “God, I want you so much.”
His arms tightened. “I have to stay now, even if you didn’t.”
A strange note in his voice made her look up. “What do you mean you have to?”
His mouth, always so stern, turned up in a wistful kind of smile that made her heart contract. “I sold the Harley.”
“You what?”
“I took it to a dealer just before I came here. I wanted to prove to you how serious I was about staying.”
Abby picked up a section of his T-shirt and used it to wipe her eyes. “You idiot. I didn’t need you to do that for me. You don’t have to prove anything.”
His smile faded, his dark eyes intense. “Then what can I do to make you believe me?”
Her throat closed. “Just … tell me you love me, Sean. That’s all I need.”
“I love you, Abigail Prescott. And I’m never leaving you again.” Then his mouth came down over hers, the kiss melting away the cold places in her heart, the pain and the anger. The past.
He lifted his head, looked down into her face. “What about you? I need to hear it, Abby.”
The Billionaire Biker Page 11