Hopeless

by Cheryl Douglas

  Josh chuckled. “Who the hell ever said relationships make sense, son? Sometimes you fall in love with your best friend, like I did. Other times you never get over your first love, like your mother and Derek.” He swirled the contents of his glass around. “Then there’s what happened with you and Victoria. It comes out of nowhere, when you least expect it and sure as hell don’t want it.”

  “Who said I don’t want it?” He’d never wanted anything more.

  Josh smirked. “What makes you think I’m talkin’ about you, kid?”

  “You don’t think Victoria wants to get serious?”

  Josh set his glass down beside his chair and folded his hands. “I’m pretty good at readin’ people, Jay, and Victoria’s runnin’ scared. I don’t know if it was a bad relationship or—”

  “It was cancer. She had cancer, Dad.” Just saying the word aloud scared the hell out of Jay. He didn’t even want to imagine that time in Victoria’s life, how difficult it must have been for her to find the strength to keep fighting, especially when she had to fight the battle all alone.

  “Jesus,” Josh whispered. “I had no idea.”

  “Neither did I… until today.”

  “She told you?”

  He wished he could say she trusted him enough to confide in him, but she hadn’t, and that hurt more than anything. “No, her friend told me. Victoria didn’t want me to know.”

  Josh got up to retrieve the bottle of scotch and poured another splash in his son’s glass. “Why?”

  “I wish I knew.” He feared he did know, but he was not willing to admit to his father or himself that Victoria was determined to shut him out of her life because she couldn’t bear the thought of letting anyone get too close.

  “She’s a fighter, a survivor,” Josh said, quietly.

  “You have no idea.”

  “What? There’s more?”

  “Her mother abandoned her when she was a baby. No family, no roots… she grew up in the system.” He looked at his dad. “Would you believe she’s never even celebrated her birthday ‘cause she has no idea when it is?” Just the knowledge that someone as amazing as Victoria could grow up without a soul to love her reminded Jay there was no justice in this world.

  Josh covered his face with his hands. “Oh man, that’s brutal. Jay, someone who’s been through all she has is bound to have serious trust issues.”

  “I know.” He would be willing to wait as long as it took, tear down any obstacle she put in his path, if only she would give him an opening. “There’s more, Dad.”

  “God, how much more can there be?”

  “She can’t have children. She had stage three ovarian cancer and—”

  “Wow, when I said she was a survivor, I had no idea…”

  “She’s incredible. I’ve never met anyone like her.”

  “Son, you can’t save her from herself or try and rescue her. Victoria’s been takin’ care of herself forever; she doesn’t know any other way.”

  Jay would love to show her another way, to help her believe it was okay to lean on him, to trust he would be there to pick her up when she fell or when life knocked her down. “I love her. I know it sounds crazy. I keep tellin’ myself it’s too soon, but I don’t know any other way to describe what I’m feelin’.”

  “You’re not some teenager; you’re thirty years old, Jay. You’ve been around the block a time or two. If you tell me you love this girl, I believe you.”

  “Question is, what the hell am I gonna do about it?”

  “You’re right, that is the question.”

  Jay downed another shot and felt a measure of relief when he relaxed into the chair and fatigue started to seep into his bones. Maybe if he could surrender to sleep, he’d wake up with a different perspective on the situation. “What would you do if you were me?”

  “Lexi had her own issues when we met. The bottom line is I loved her, and I was determined to fight for her. It wasn’t easy, but I’m grateful I stuck it out. It made me appreciate what we have all the more.”

  His dad was right. Jay wasn’t a quitter either; he was a fighter, just like his old man... just like Victoria. No matter how determined she was to push him away, he would just have to prove to her he wasn’t going to give up.

  Victoria walked into the shelter mere hours after she left the hospital feeling as though it has been years instead of days since she’d last been there. She felt like a different person, like she didn’t even know who she was anymore.

  Lindsay looked up from the desk and started to stand up when she saw her.

  “Don’t,” Victoria said, holding her hand up. “I didn’t come here to talk or because I’m ready to forgive you.” She dropped a plain white envelope on the desk. “I wanted to leave this for Maureen. I know I could have just emailed her, but there’s something in there I want her to have. It’s important to me she know this shelter has been a lifeline for me. It gave my life purpose.”

  Lindsay glared at her as she dropped back into her seat. “You’re leaving town, aren’t you? Running scared? My God, Victoria, I never figured you for a coward.”

  “Don’t you dare call me a coward. I pray to God you’ll never have to know what it feels like to walk in my shoes.” In spite of Lindsay’s decision to tell Jay the truth, Victoria couldn’t erase all of the years she’d been her sole source of support.

  “No one will ever know because you’re not willing to tell us. You’re afraid to admit that you’re terrified of dying, and sometimes you need help just to go on living.”

  It was painfully true, but she’d grind broken glass into her hand before she admitted it. “You don’t know what you’re talking about. You and Jay think you have all the answers, but trust me, you’re clueless.”

  Lindsay folded her arms over her chest. “You think you’re ever gonna find another guy like him? Hell, I’m not even sure you deserve a guy like him.”

  Victoria knew her friend had her back up because she felt backed into a corner, forced to defend herself. Victoria recognized the signs because she’d been there herself, more times than she could count. “Neither am I, that’s why I’m leaving.”

  “No!” Lindsay slammed her palm down on the desk. “When I say you don’t deserve him, you’re not supposed to agree with me. You’re supposed to tell me I’m wrong… I don’t know what the hell I’m talking about. You’re supposed to yell and scream and swear, maybe even throw something, because you care so damn much.”

  She shrugged. “Sorry to disappoint you. I don’t intend to put on a show for you tonight.”

  “I hate seeing you like this, so determined to give up.” Lindsay leaned forward, bracing her elbows on the old metal desk. “You’re running away from the best damn thing that’s ever happened to you. He’d be there for you, no matter what life threw at you. Why would you want to walk away from him?”

  “For that very reason.” Victoria gripped her purse strap until her knuckles turned white, the only sign she wasn’t as composed as she was pretending to be. “He would insist on staying, no matter how bad it got. He would waste months, hell, maybe even years of his life taking care of me, watching me die. You said it yourself; he’s an incredible man. He sure as hell doesn’t deserve to go through that.”

  “What about you? Did you deserve all the things that have happened to you? Did you deserve to have your old lady drop you off like a sack of clothes she’d outgrown? Did you deserve all of those vile, disgusting things those bastards in all those worthless foster homes said to you?” She whispered the final questions. “Do you believe you deserved to get cancer, Victoria? Was it God’s way of punishing you for some unforgiveable sin?”

  Victoria bit her lip, trying to convince herself she would not cry no matter how sharply the words pierced her heart. “No, I didn’t deserve any of it.”

  “Then when are you going to stop punishing yourself? You didn’t do anything wrong.” Lindsay reached for a tissue to dry her tears. “You owe it to yourself to find love, and Jay… he�
��s the real deal. Please…” Her voice broke. “Please don’t walk away from him.”

  Chapter Fifteen

  Jay saw the nondescript white envelope lying on the floor even before he opened the door to his studio. He prayed it wasn’t what he thought it was, but when he called Victoria that morning, she didn’t answer. When he got tired of waiting for her to return his call, he drove by her place and it looked eerily empty, almost deserted.

  Karen came up behind him and touched his back. “Hey, boss, you okay?”

  “Yeah, I’m good.” He set his key in the lock, pulled the door open, and deactivated the alarm before he finally reached down to pick up the envelope. He needed more time; he wasn’t ready to face reality just yet.

  Karen shot him a side-long glance when he gripped the envelope in his hand instead of opening it. She chuckled. “How many times do I have to tell you you’re not a superhero just because you can fly through the air? You don’t have x-ray vision.”

  Any other day, he would have smiled at her teasing, but today, he couldn’t muster a smile if his life depended on it. “Have you heard from Victoria today?” She was due to teach the first class at ten, and if she didn’t want to talk to him, she may have at least thought to call his assistant so Karen could find another instructor to take her place.

  “No. Why?”

  “No reason.” He hit the light switches before glancing over his shoulder at his assistant. “I’ll be in my office if you need me.”

  “Jay… is Victoria coming in today, or do I need to line up another instructor?”

  He didn’t want to face the truth, but if she wasn’t here by now, chances were good she wasn’t coming. “Call someone else.” He crossed the studio, anxious to be alone in his office so he could open the envelope without a well-meaning friend peering over his shoulder, asking him if he was okay.

  Jay sat down and tore in to the envelope, his gut clenching with fear and dread when the familiar silver key fell to the desk with a loud clatter. There were two sheets of paper folded and tucked inside. One was a standard resignation letter, but the other was handwritten.

  Dear Jay,

  We’ve only known each other a short time, but I can honestly say you’re the best man I’ve ever met. You’re generous, passionate, loving… and you deserve a woman who can make your dreams come true. I wish I were that woman, but I’m not.

  I would never be able to give you a family or a promise of forever, and even though you may try to convince me and yourself you were okay with it, we both know you’d be living with fear and regret every day. I can’t do that to you. I won’t do that to you.

  I’m leaving town today. Nashville may be the place I was born, but it’s never been my home. In truth, I’ve never had a home, a place where I felt like I belonged. Maybe someday I’ll find it. I won’t give up looking. In spite of what you might think, I’m not giving up on life. On the contrary, I’m going to find a way to start living it.

  I know you’re going to be disappointed I left, but I hope you won’t waste your time trying to find me. I’m doing this for you as much as I am for myself. You’re the kind of man who tries to save those you care about from harm, and the reality is, you can’t save me. No one can. So please, just let me go. And trust that no matter where I am, I’m thinking of you. Always.

  Love,

  Victoria

  Jay crumpled the resignation letter up and tossed it in the metal wastebasket beside his desk. He muttered a curse and covered his face with his hands. What the hell was he supposed to do now? Before he had a chance to consider his options, someone knocked on the door.

  “Not now!” he shouted. He had an open door policy at all of his studios. Any of the students were welcome to approach him at any time, but he couldn’t deal with anyone else’s problems today, not when his own life was spiraling out of control.

  A young woman with long black hair opened the door and peeked inside. “Excuse me, sir. I’m sorry to bother you, but your assistant said I could have a word with you.”

  He frowned when he saw her protruding stomach. Karate wasn’t precluded during pregnancy, but it wasn’t recommended for a beginner either. “Karen can give you information about the program options, but you may want to wait until after you deliver and the doctor gives you—”

  She licked her lips. “Um, I’m not here about your programs. I’m here about Victoria.”

  “You know Victoria?” He leaned forward and raised his hand to beckon her inside. “Come in, please.” He stood to offer his hand. “You probably already know I’m Jay Cooper, but you are…?”

  “Lena.” She accepted his hand, but her grip was weak. “I’m from the shelter.”

  Jay covered her hand with both of his, trying to put her at ease. “Of course, you’re Victoria’s friend.”

  She offered a small smile at Jay’s description. Obviously, she was proud to count herself among Victoria’s friends.

  “Please, have a seat,” Jay said, pointing to one of two guest chairs on the opposite side of his desk. “Tell me what I can do for you, Lena.”

  She sat down and set her oversized purse in her lap, in front of her stomach. “Um, I was just wondering if you’d heard from Victoria. I was released from the hospital this morning, and I went by the shelter, hoping to talk to Victoria, but Lindsay said she wasn’t there. She said you might know where to find her.”

  “I wish I did, sweetheart. Unfortunately, this is all I have to go on,” he said, holding up the letter. “And it’s not much.”

  The girl’s face crumpled before she began to cry, silent, body wracking sobs. “This is all my fault. She left because of me. I shouldn’t have asked her—”

  “Hey now,” Jay said, getting up. He crouched in front of her chair. “Listen to me; you’re not to blame.” If anyone was to blame for her sudden departure, it was him. “We had an argument. It was my fault she left.”

  She set her trembling hands in her lap. “No, I was the one who scared her away. Nothing you said could have shocked her more than I did.”

  Jay sensed this girl was desperate for someone to confide in, and if she could give him some insight into why Victoria left, he couldn’t leave questions unanswered. He pulled a chair up in front of her and sat down. “Why don’t you start at the beginning? Tell me the whole story, how you came to know Victoria, what kind of relationship you two had, what you asked her to do for you…” He reached for a box of tissue on his credenza before offering it to her.

  “Thanks,” she said. She took a moment to dry her tears and blow her nose before she took a deep breath. “I was eleven when I met Victoria. She was a volunteer crisis counselor at the shelter. The police picked me up and brought me in ‘cause I ran away from my foster home three times in one month.” She shrugged. “They didn’t know what else to do with me. I told them if they tried to take me back there, I’d just run again.”

  Jay could only imagine what horrible things had driven her away from that house. “That’s when you met Victoria?”

  She smiled for the first time since she’d walked into the room. “Yeah, she was on duty at the shelter. She convinced me to fill out some paperwork, and we talked.” Lena reached for another tissue before throwing the used one in the wastebasket. “Victoria was the only person I’d ever met who really got me, ya know?”

  Jay nodded. Even though he and Victoria had traveled different paths in life, he felt like she already understood him better than anyone. She knew martial arts was his foundation because it was hers too. She understood he wanted to grow his business because he wanted to share his love of karate with the world. Most importantly, she understood nothing mattered to him more than family.

  “She held my hand and said I had a right to cry.” Lena sniffled. “No one had ever said that to me before. My foster parents used to tell me I was a whiny little brat. They said it was no wonder no one wanted me.”

  Jay felt the impact of her words like a physical blow. He loved kids and hated knowing so many we
re living Lena’s life right now. “I’m sorry.”

  Lena tipped her head and looked at him a long time before she asked, “Are you Victoria’s boyfriend?”

  He was taken aback by the question, but he managed to laugh, hoping to ease her discomfort. “Uh no, I’m just a friend.” Though he would give anything to be so much more.

  “Too bad,” Lena said, twisting the unused tissue in her hands. “She needs someone like you, someone to take care of her.”

  Lena, with the innocence of a girl, had no idea her words were breaking Jay’s already battered heart. “Why do you say that?”

  She shrugged. “She’s always working so hard, taking care of everybody else, but she’s got no one to take care of her.”

  “How about you, Lena?” Jay asked, gently. “Do you have anyone to take care of you?”

  Her dark eyes hardened and she folded her arms across her stomach. “I don’t need anyone to take care of me. I can take care of myself, and my baby, if I have to.”

  Jay knew the girl was strong; she’d already endured so much. But he had little doubt she was deluding herself if she thought it would be easy to raise a baby at her age, without a decent education or job. “Do you mind if I ask how old you are?”

  She raised her chin, looking angry and defiant. “Fifteen, but it don’t make a difference. I been takin’ care of myself since I was four.”

  Jay took a deep breath. He knew challenging the girl wasn’t going to convince her to open up to him, so he decided to change tactics. “When you came in, you said you thought it was your fault Victoria left town. You mind tellin’ me what you mean?”

  Lena hesitated a long time before responding. “I asked her to adopt my baby.” Her head shot up when she heard Jay’s sharp intake of breath. “It’s not that I don’t love my baby, I do.”