“She likes to think she’s such a rebel,” her brother told Jillian. “She thinks she gets away with a lot here. I’m stricter with her than our parents are.” He kept walking, past what must have been a guest bedroom, past the office.
“My office. If you want to see it, you can, but it’s not all that interesting.” Jillian gave him a nod. “Bathroom, linen closet, laundry room. Another bedroom.” He opened the door at the far end of the hallway. “Here’s where the magic happens.” He grinned to soften his narcissistic comment.
“You’re ridiculous,” she told him, but he laughed.
Seth’s room was nothing like she’d expected either. The room was dominated by a light-cherry king-sized sleigh bed. The bedding was a mix of soft olive-green leafy print on white, with plenty of fluffy pillows adding coziness. His iPod was charging on the night table next to the bed, and a mushroom-colored throw was tossed over a chair in the opposite corner. There was a gas fireplace too. The windows were covered with privacy sheers that still let the sun stream in. The ceiling was recessed. Mostly, it looked informal and comfortable, and it was very, very neat.
“Don’t you believe in clutter?”
“I haven’t lived here long enough to amass a lot. It’s all in my office. Go check out the bathroom.”
“Why?”
“I thought I was going to have to physically remove Lauren from the jetted tub.”
The tub was the least of it; there was another fireplace set into the wall at one end of the bathroom. More light streamed in through a window made up of beveled glass squares, glittering like diamonds, and looking over a greenbelt. The floor was tile; the countertops were quartz, and Jillian marveled at how beautiful it all was. A double shower with multiple shower heads dominated the opposite wall. The toilet had its own little room, with a built-in padded bench next to it.
“There’s a refrigerator in your bathroom?”
“It was here when I bought the house.” Several bottles of beer and a bottle of champagne waited behind the glass door.
“How do you ever leave this place? I wouldn’t.”
“Sure, you would. You’d get bored after a while.”
“You can’t be serious.”
Seth sat down on the side of the tub. “The house is just a house. Somewhere to live. I’m not home much.” Jillian noticed a somewhat evil twinkle in his eyes. “I’ll bet you’d never get out of the tub.”
“You have a chef, and there’s a refrigerator in here? You’re right.”
“I could be persuaded to rent the bathroom . . . ”
“I couldn’t afford it.”
JILLIAN CROSSED THE bathroom and walked back into Seth’s room. He was enjoying her reaction to his house more than he liked living in it. Yes, it was comfortable. He was glad he had enough room for Lauren to stay with him; he didn’t worry about what she was doing so much. He knew his parents worried about her a lot more than he did.
He was feeling more at home here than he’d ever felt in his house in San Diego. He tried to tell himself that maybe it was because Kim didn’t live here, but mostly it was the fact his family was twenty minutes away. He’d meet some new people that he could socialize with, but his parents were close enough to see whenever he wanted to.
Jillian wandered over to the easy chair in one corner of his room and ran her fingers over the cashmere throw he’d pulled off the bed last night. She moved to the mantel over the bedroom fireplace and studied the framed photos the decorator had grouped there.
“Seth?”
“Yeah?”
He walked back into his room, and an invisible icy hand closed around his gut. He swallowed hard. He knew what she was looking at.
“Who’s the guy in the photo with you and Lauren?”
He had two options: Tell her, or distract her. He knew by now that she was as persistent as he was, and he would have kept asking until he got an answer. He thought about Liam every day, but he typically discussed him with nobody but his family. Publicists in NFL front offices loved to offer stories to sports media about how different players overcame adversity to succeed. Seth wasn’t about to exploit his family’s ongoing pain to give the team or the local papers another feel-good story.
He took a breath. “That’s my brother, Liam.” He licked his suddenly dry lips and tried to pretend he didn’t want to blubber like a baby. Still. “He died five years ago.”
Jillian turned to look at him. “Oh, Seth, I’m so sorry for your loss.” He saw compassion in her eyes. She was as speechless at this news as everyone else his family knew.
“Thanks.”
He sank down on the side of his bed. She picked the frame up off the mantel and came over to sit next to him. The picture was of Seth, Liam, and Lauren on the beach in Maui. He’d just signed his first NFL contract, and he had plenty of money to take everyone on a trip before his first training camp. Lauren’s brothers had wrapped their arms around their giggling little sister after an afternoon of snorkeling. Their mom snapped the photo. None of them had the slightest idea that less than a month later, Liam would be dead.
Jillian bit her lip. “I’ll understand if you don’t want to talk about it.”
“You probably want to know what happened.”
“Seth, your parents must have been crushed.”
“They were,” he said.
I was too, he wanted to tell her, but the words wouldn’t come out. He’d never forget the way his mom’s mouth twisted in pain, the wail she let out when the doctor told them Liam was gone. She dropped to her knees, and he knew she didn’t know where she was or what she was doing. His dad aged twenty years in thirty seconds. Lauren wanted to cling to Seth. He wanted to be alone. He could scream and cry, and nobody else would tell him that he should “be strong” for his parents or that he’d feel better someday. It never felt better.
“I’d appreciate it if you didn’t discuss this with anyone else,” he said. “My family—”
“I understand,” she said. He was willing to bet the deed to his house she would keep his secrets.
He looked at the pattern in the rug into which he was currently digging his feet. “Liam died of meningitis. It didn’t last a day. We didn’t know what was wrong with him, and then it was too late.”
He saw Jillian move a little closer out of the corner of his eye, and she laid her hand over his. He realized he’d clenched his fist in the comforter on his bed. He told himself to let go, to take a breath. He wasn’t going to cry in front of a woman he was still getting to know. They sat there for a few minutes, neither speaking. She brushed his hand again with hers, and he took it. She looked at the photo again.
“What was he like?”
He forced out every word. “He was my best friend.” Seth did nothing but breathe for a couple more minutes. Jillian still had his hand. “We both played football, but while I was screwing off and not studying, Liam was getting all A’s. He was going to start premed at the U in the fall. He couldn’t play football and become a doctor, so he decided he would be a doctor. I know that every time someone dies, we remember the good stuff. In his case, it was all good stuff. I mean, obviously, he was a guy, and guys aren’t always on their best behavior. Liam cared so much about other people, though, and they cared about him. If he was sitting here right now . . . ” Seth paused for a moment. The tears rose in his eyes, and he fought them back. He spoke over the lump in his throat. “If he was sitting here right now, he’d be drinking my beer, and he’d give you a hug.”
“Me? You’re the one who needs a hug,” she said.
He’d done stuff in this bed with other women that would make a porn star blush, but when Jillian moved closer and her arms slid around him, the only urge he had was to lay his head on her shoulder. He heard her murmur in his ear, “I’m so sorry that I’ll never get to meet him.”
“Yeah. Me too.” It was all he could get out.
She held him. The knot in his stomach unraveled a little. He felt her arms slowly withdraw, and he sat up ag
ain. He had no idea what to say. She was silent, but the silence wasn’t uncomfortable. How did she know exactly what to do when the hospital social worker, the counselor the entire family saw after Liam died, and the team psychologist didn’t seem to get it?
He heard Lauren shouting from downstairs. “Seth, Owen’s here. He wants to know how many people are coming to dinner.”
“Let’s go.” He stood up and reached out for her hand.
Jillian and Seth walked into the kitchen to find Lauren heckling the chef. Owen had a shaved head. He was several inches shorter than Seth. He sported a beer belly, tats, and hoop earrings. He evidently favored brightly printed chef’s pants, a spotless white chef’s coat, and Chuck Taylor high-tops. He also seemed to love giving Lauren all kinds of grief.
“Listen, little girl. I hate to break it to you, but your brother signs my check. Therefore, I cook what he wants for dinner. Maybe you should try talking with him.”
“He told me that he was going to ask you to make the vegetable gratin.”
“He told me that he wants steak for dinner, so there.”
Seth gave him a nod. “Remind me to give you a bonus. She needs to understand that I’m the boss of her.”
“I’ll put starch in your boxers, buddy,” Lauren retorted.
“Oooh. Color me scared.” Seth mussed her hair as he walked past. “Hey, Owen, you have the stuff to make the gratin, don’t you?”
“Yeah. I’ll start it right now.”
Lauren stuck her tongue out at Seth.
“IS THERE ANYTHING I can do to help with dinner?” Jillian asked.
“Things are under control,” Seth reassured her. He picked up the platter of perfectly done steaks to put on the kitchen table. “Want to eat with us, Owen?”
“I’d love to, but I have another job tonight. Thanks, man.” He fist-bumped Seth. “Tomorrow night?”
“Yeah. How about seven?”
“Perfect.” Owen picked up his knife case and let himself out the front door.
Seth, Jillian, and Lauren took seats at the kitchen table and passed the food around. Seth took a sip of his glass of Syrah and glanced over at Lauren.
“Listen, Pee-Wee, Jillian and I were talking earlier.”
Lauren took a bite of her food. “This is even better than it was the other night. What’s up?”
“I was talking to her about Liam.”
Lauren’s head snapped up. She looked panicked.
“I want to put something in the backyard for him. We’re both here now. He should be here too. Will you help me pick it out?”
Lauren’s fork hit the plate with a clatter. She put one hand over her mouth and sat motionless.
“Mom and Dad have a bench. Maybe we should get something like that.” He had to see that Lauren’s face was papery white. She was shaking. Tears swam in eyes that looked anywhere but at the two of them. “I go out in Mom and Dad’s backyard sometimes, sit on the bench, and talk to him. It’s weird. It’s almost like he can hear me.” He reached out for Lauren’s hand. “If you don’t like that, we can look at some other kind of thing.”
Jillian felt like she was watching a car wreck in slow motion—the cars were spinning out of control toward each other, the drivers wrenched the wheel, tried to swerve, prayed, and it did no good. They’d collide no matter what, and all she could do was look on. Seth was probably trying to cope with his own grief the best way he knew how—talking about it—but Lauren was obviously still too raw inside to even consider discussing her feelings in front of anyone who wasn’t a family member.
Lauren’s voice came from a million miles away, rusty and indistinct. “No.”
She jumped up from the table and ran through the kitchen. They heard her footsteps on the stairs.
Seth and Jillian sat for a few minutes. She wasn’t sure what to say. He took another sip of wine.
“She really needs you right now,” Jillian said before she could bite it back.
His voice was rough with emotion. “I’ll go up there in a few minutes. I have to figure out what the hell I’m going to say.” He picked up his wineglass again and set it down. “She . . . my mom told me that sometimes she needs to cry, and I should understand that, but I feel like someone stuck a knife in my gut every time I see tears.”
He leaned back in his chair and dropped his hands into his lap. His appetite was evidently gone.
A FEW HOURS later, Seth climbed the stairs to Lauren’s room. He’d almost figured out what to say to her.
The door stood open. Moonlight bathed his sister’s sleeping form. She still had her cell phone in her hand. He moved silently across the bedroom rug, extracted it, and put it on the night table. He picked up the lavender blanket off the chair and spread it over her. She rubbed her nose with one hand, but she slept on. The big talk he wanted to have was going to have to wait until tomorrow.
He lowered himself into a chair by her bed, stretched out his legs, and closed his eyes. He’d dropped Jillian off at her car a couple of hours ago. He hadn’t wanted her to leave, but she had things to do.
HER KEY RING had jingled as she pulled it out of her purse. Her face had been in shadow, even if the moonlight painted her hair a silvery blonde.
He’d stuck his hands in the front pockets of his jeans.
“Listen. I didn’t mean to get you in the middle of some big family argument. I should have waited and talked to Lauren about my idea later and let her have a chance to think about it.” He had shrugged his shoulders. “I really screwed up.”
She reached out to pat his arm. “You’re too hard on yourself. Plus, she was probably reacting more to discussing Liam in front of someone she just met than to your idea. I’ll bet if you go back to your house and talk to her, she’ll have had some time to think, and she’ll react differently.” Jillian took a breath. “I know you tease each other, but she loves you so much. She misses Liam as much as you do.”
He’d handed Jillian a chance on a silver platter to make him feel like crap over the fact he didn’t get how upset Lauren was about any mention of Liam until it was too late. She hadn’t done it. Instead, she’d looked up at him with gentle, concerned eyes and told him she knew he could fix it. She always believed the best about him, even when he gave her evidence that he wasn’t always perfect. He had felt at ease with her, which was—in his experience with women—a completely new sensation.
He’d given her a nod. “Thanks. I’ll give it another try later,” he said.
He had taken a step toward her, but pulled her car door open and got inside.
“I’ll see you tomorrow,” she said. “Thank you for dinner.” She’d turned the key in the ignition, backed out of the space and drove away. He’d gotten back in the Escalade.
HE HAD DRIVEN around for a while before he went back home. He thought about calling one of the guys to meet him somewhere for a beer, but he wouldn’t be great company. He was still mystified by what he was going to say to Lauren. Finally, he drove to his house, put the car in the garage, and came up here to have the talk he’d been dreading.
His thoughts were interrupted by his sister’s sleepy voice.
“Seth? Why are you here?”
“I wanted to talk with you about what happened at dinner.”
Lauren reached out to turn on the bedside lamp. “So you thought you’d sit there and wait for me to wake up?”
“Pretty much.” He leaned forward, resting his forearms on his thighs. “Listen. I owe you an apology. I should have picked a better time to talk with you about a little memorial for Liam. I didn’t mean to make you cry, and I’m sorry.”
She was rubbing her eyes like the little girl she used to be. He almost smiled at the raccoon-like smeared mascara around her eyes.
“I’m sorry I freaked out in front of Jillian.” Lauren pulled the blanket up around her shoulders. “I wrecked the dinner, and she probably thinks I’m a baby.”
“No. She doesn’t. She likes you. She talked to me a little about what happened.”
“What did she say?”
“She said that it upset you, and maybe the conversation should happen when she’s not around.” He thought for a moment. “Hey. I know I give you a lot of crap, but I’m wondering about something. What do you think of Jillian?”
His sister propped herself up on one elbow and gazed into his eyes. “Why are you asking me?”
“I just wondered—”
“BS,” his sister informed him. “Do you want the truth?”
“What do you mean? Of course I do.”
“Well, I’d like to stay here,” she joked, “but believe it or not, I want you to be happy.” She gave him the little-girl grin he still saw once in a while. “If you haven’t already figured out that she’s the greatest, you’re an idiot. You don’t talk to anyone else about Liam. She makes you laugh. She’s pretty, and she’s really nice too. I like her a lot. Mom and Dad will love her.” She gave him a little nod.
He realized with a shock that maybe she was right. He wasn’t going to admit it, though.
“You’ve got it all wrong, Pee-Wee. We’re just friends.”
“Sure, you are,” his sister said. She grinned at his discomfort. “Uh-huh. That’s why you’re in here asking me what I think of her.”
“Plus, she’s not like anyone else I’ve ever dated.” His argument sounded weak to his own ears.
“That’s why I like her,” his sister informed him. “You should marry someone like her. She’d make you happy.” Seth stared at her in shock. “Do you think I want to wait forever to be an aunt?”
He grabbed both arms of the chair and hoisted himself out of it. “Got it. It’s time for me to say good night.”
“You don’t want me to tell you the truth about anything else?”
He leaned over Lauren and kissed the top of her head. “See you tomorrow, Pee-Wee. Good night.” He shut off her bedside lamp and turned to go.
His sister’s voice halted him in his tracks. “Let’s get a bench for Liam. I’ll help you pick it out, okay?”
Chasing Jillian: A Love and Football Novel Page 13