A perfect storm of emotion, none of it good, tore through her—hurt, anger, grief, and hopeless, hopeless despair. She rose.
“You lost, did you? I get that. But I lost too. Do you think I saw his first step? I did not. Do you know what his first word was? It was Mama and it wasn’t for me. Yes, I gave him up. I did because I thought it was best at the time. And I have to live with that guilt for the rest of my life. Which I am willing to do because I deserve it. And you can be all noble about what you would have done if only you had known. And I take the blame for not trying hard enough to tell you. But it’s not as if I didn’t try at all, and I get no credit for that.”
“What about after?” Will demanded. “When you had him? Why didn’t you tell me then? That’s something I never understood.”
“Because!” she said through gritted teeth. “I was afraid you would tell!”
“I get that. You are so afraid of what people will think of the perfect Arabelle Avery having an illegitimate baby that you would deny your own child!”
Those words were like an icicle through her heart. Is that what he thought—this man who had made love to her so tenderly, who used to have such a sweet spirit? He thought she cared what people thought? She only cared what Avery thought, what he would think when he was eight, twenty, or thirty-seven if he found out she had given him away like an unwanted kitten! A speeding locomotive of fury sped toward her but it didn’t knock her down. Oh, no. She stood strong and firm, as only a mother standing between her child and disaster can. She absorbed that train—steel, steam, and a thousand turning grinding parts—into her very being.
“Is that what you think? That I have denied him? That I have given up nothing? That I care—”
“Yeah, that’s what I think!” He jumped to his feet and leaned toward her. “You—with your blueblood family, littered with people with last names for firsts and untarnished four-hundred-year-old silver and jewelry. Can’t mess that up. And here I have to pretend my blood doesn’t run in his veins. I have to listen to everybody talk about what a good man I am to love another man’s child!”
“It’s about time you took some blame for that yourself, Will. Did you try to contact me? Did you even think about me? You found the blubbering mess I was at the Merritt Country Club and took me home for a quickie one-night stand. Even now, I’m nothing to you except the vessel that carried Avery.”
“The vessel that carried Avery and cheated me out of him! And, sweetheart, there was nothing quick about it. You’d never had better! You said so over and over and over—”
“Stop it!” She put her hands over her ears.
“And you didn’t want me to contact you. You made that clear enough. You were headed off to India—”
“Africa! See, you don’t even know where I was going. Plus, not only was it a one-night stand, it was a cheating one-night stand! You were sleeping with that poor creature who doesn’t know if she’s coming or going!”
“I was not! I never slept with Aspen until you were gone! And it wasn’t like that!”
“It was just like that! You never gave me another thought. You never tried to call me. You just merrily screwed another woman while I was sick, exiled, and pregnant with your son! And I had to make all the decisions alone. And then you swoop in here and take all my choices!”
Arabelle didn’t realize that their voices had elevated to screams—until a scream rang out from across the hall.
Will almost collided with Arabelle as they raced to Avery’s room. In seconds, she had him in her arms, rocking him back and forth murmuring comfort.
• • •
Self-hatred was becoming more and more common for Will. After that night at the diner when the strife between them had made Avery cry, they had been so careful not to argue in front of him. And what had just gone on between them went far beyond the bounds of arguing. They had been on their feet, screaming, and shaking with anger.
“Give Jiffy love!” Avery wailed.
“Daddy and I aren’t mad,” Arabelle cooed. That was a lie, of course, just like everything about their life was a lie.
Will grabbed the giraffe from the crib and hugged and kissed it. “Look, pal.”
Avery reached for him and Will took him in one arm and circled Arabelle with the other. It struck him that this was the first time he’d held wife and child in his arms at the same time and it would probably be the last.
In spite of everything, he loved touching her, having her against him. But she wasn’t his, had never come to him willingly. He’d just taken her by force. It was killing him. But they hugged, cuddled Avery, and kissed Jiffy until Avery calmed down and, eventually, nodded off again.
Arabelle’s hand shook as she tucked the blanket around him. Their eyes met over the crib and wordlessly, they left the room and made their way downstairs. Will swore to himself there would not be another scene like they’d just had but, just in case, they didn’t need to be across the hall from Avery.
Will put a match to the wood that was stacked and waiting to be a fire, to bring warmth to a room where there was none. Arabelle sat on the sofa and he sat on the chair, facing her—the same places they’d sat the night he’d made her agree to marry him. She looked exhausted.
“I’m sorry,” he said. “I know he’s sensitive to strife. There’s no excuse.”
Arabelle picked at her nails. “It was as much my fault as yours. I know better than to raise my voice where he can hear. We’ve not let it happen since that night at the diner. I guess it was bound to happen.”
“Trouble is, it will keep happening,” he said. Arabelle nodded and looked at the fire.
He had to get past the knives in his throat to add, “And that’s no good for Avery.” Still, Arabelle didn’t speak. “You’re right. I blackmailed you into marrying me. I didn’t think of it that way, but that’s what it was. I shouldn’t have done it.”
He’d been so intent on being a good father that he’d missed the part where he wasn’t. What kind of man blackmailed the mother of his child? The worst kind, the worst kind of father. He couldn’t undo it but he could fix it as best he could and he could see that Avery didn’t live in a toxic atmosphere. He could see to it that Arabelle had a chance at a real life with a man she could love.
“We’ve been doing okay,” she said and then laughed a little laugh totally devoid of humor. “Until this morning, that is.”
Was that what she thought? “We haven’t,” he said carefully. “You’re miserable. You know I remember when you were a teenager, sitting by the pool at the country club. You were always smiling, always happy. You laughed all the time.”
“That was a long time ago,” she said.
“Yes but now you’re married to a man you didn’t want to marry and there can be no happiness in that. I did a lot of thinking last night, not just about what’s best for Avery, but what’s best for you too. Last night, when Luke was making his speech, you were in pain, real pain. I don’t even know about what, though maybe because you were thinking about your cousin.”
She nodded. “Sheridan, Carrie, and I were best friends. Just like Lanie’s book club. It’s been hard to get over.”
Damn! What a bonehead he was! It was Carrie she’d been crying over the night that Avery was conceived. The incident had gotten so crowded with good and bad that he’d lost sight of why she’d been so upset to begin with. He’d never even asked if she was feeling better.
“Arabelle, I’m sorry,” he said.
“Not your fault.” She waved a hand. “Not your job.”
“No,” he agreed. “And it’s a good thing. I couldn’t offer you comfort last night. I just didn’t have it in me.”
“Because you can’t forgive me?”
“I don’t seem to be able to,” he said sadly.
She nodded.
“I lied to myself,” Will said. “I thought if I could jam all of us up here together, we’d be a family. I thought we could give Avery a 1950s TV life.” I thought you would love me.
He’d never say that, of course. The son of a drunk and a woman who was too worn out to do much parenting did not go calling on a state senator’s daughter. “But it’s all based on a lie and all because of my stubbornness. Avery is a sensitive child and even if he weren’t, this environment wouldn’t be good for him, especially as he gets older. He’d be better off with two loving parents living apart. At least that would be honest.”
“What are you saying?” Arabelle asked. Her face betrayed no emotion whatsoever.
“I am setting you free—un-blackmailing you, if that’s a word. I will never tell that he’s our biological child and I’ll never try to take him from you.”
She narrowed her eyes. “So you’d still be living a lie. You want the world to know he’s yours.”
“He is mine. Luke was right about one thing. It doesn’t take blood to make a family. And though I’d like to come clean with Avery and the world about that, I don’t want it if you don’t. And you’re never going to.”
“No. I’m not,” she said. “That’s the one thing I can’t bear.”
“I know that, though I still don’t understand why.”
“It doesn’t matter why,” she said.
“I guess not,” he said. What was the point of trying to learn her secrets? Secrets were detrimental to a marriage but they didn’t have a marriage. They never had. “You wanted it so much you were willing to marry me. But you don’t have to be married to me anymore to have that. And for what it’s worth, I’m sorry I did this to you.”
Arabelle almost smiled. “I believe you are dumping me.”
“I’m giving you your life back, like you wanted it.”
She looked at her hands and then the fire.
“There is one thing I would like to get straight with you,” he said.
“So you do have some directives for me after all?”
“No. It’s about Aspen,” he said.
“Oh.”
“What you said during our shouting match upstairs isn’t true and I want you know how it really happened.”
“It’s none of my business. And it seems it’s becoming less so all the time.”
“I want you to know the facts. I never dated Aspen before that night with you. She worked for the lumber supply company out past the lake, billing and keeping books. I met her there and, yeah, I slept with her. She got fired from her job. I later found out it was due to her mental issues but she told me at the time that they had to cut back. Anyway, she was hanging around a lot. She started answering the phone and helping me with paperwork, which she was good at. It didn’t seem fair that she was doing it for free, so I started paying her. She needed a job and I liked having the help. I wouldn’t have slept with an employee, though I guess I did let someone I was sleeping with become an employee.”
Arabelle nodded. “I can see how that could happen.”
“I told her from the start that we were not headed for a permanent relationship. She insisted she was just out for fun and that was fine. But you know the rest. She made up that story that we were engaged. She didn’t even care that I knew she was saying it so I guess she really believed it. That’s when I found out about her issues. I had no idea before.”
“Thank you for telling me,” Arabelle said.
He didn’t say the reason he could not have had more than a fling with Aspen, or anyone, was because Arabelle was all that was on his mind.
He had a new thought, one he didn’t like at all. “It occurs to me that I never even asked if you were involved with anyone before I made you marry me. I just gave you an ultimatum.”
“And who do you think I’d be involved with? Philip, down at the candy store? He’s charming but a little young for me, don’t you think?” At least there was that. Arabelle sighed and put her head in her hands. “Though I guess that would be handy since he’s living in my apartment and I’m about to be homeless.”
What? “Of course you aren’t going to be homeless! No matter what a bastard I’ve been, I would never leave my wife and child homeless. I’ll move out. You can stay here.” Was it just yesterday that he was picking a valentine for her and today they were going their separate ways?
“And just where would you go?” she asked.
He shrugged. “For a few days, the Merritt Inn. After? I don’t know. Condos out by the lake, maybe. Brantley’s grandmother has that carriage house where he used to live. I made the cabinets. It’s nice.” And it was. Small but nice.
She shook her head and frowned. “No, Will. This is your home and your place of business. You’ve put your heart and soul into it. I’ll go. I am not taking your home.”
Somehow that made him hurt even more. If he couldn’t live with them, he wanted to envision them here. But she didn’t want that and this was best. “You never wanted to live here anyway. I’ll buy you a house. Whatever you want. I have the money.”
“One thing at a time. What if I decide to move? Relocate, far away?”
She was testing him. He shrugged. “You won’t. You moved here for a reason. But if you do, I’ll move, too. I’ll do what it takes to be where Avery is.” And to see you, even if I can’t have you.
She rubbed the place between her eyes. “I wouldn’t put you in that position and there’s one thing I do know. It’s best for Avery to see you as much as possible.”
Relief went though him, though it didn’t do much to relieve the pain. “Can we do this without a legal agreement? Can we please just be reasonable? I’m going to want to see him every day. I’m going to want him to spend the night with me a lot. Can we just work it out as we go and not fight?”
“We can try,” she said. “I don’t see any reason why that can’t work.”
“I’ll still go to the Merritt Inn for a few nights, until we decide where you and Avery will live.
“No, Will,” she said quickly. “First off, there will be no we deciding where Avery and I will live. I will decide that.”
“That’s fair. As you said, I’ve already taken too many of your choices away.”
“I’ll go to Luke and Lanie’s for now. They’ve said from the beginning the farm was my home.”
That would be good. There would be warm family dinners and Avery would have playmates. They wouldn’t be alone. He nodded. “I’ll make sure Avery’s crib is there before bedtime.”
“No need,” Arabelle said. “They had to put John Luke in a toddler bed just last week so his crib is available. Besides, I want Avery’s room to be intact when he’s here with you.”
“Is there anything you need from me then?” Will asked.
“No. Not a thing.”
And that was the heartbreaking truth.
Chapter Twenty
Arabelle was nothing short of shell-shocked. She’d gotten through the ride to town to pick up her car, the dropping Avery at Heavenly Confections, and the saying goodbye to Will.
“I’ll see you soon,” he said. “Let me know what I can do to help you move your things.”
Her things were not utmost on her mind. At least here at work she would be busy. She had an hour before her first patient but filling that hour would be no problem. She picked up a stack of messages that Cora had left for her but ended up looking at the wall rather than returning calls.
Why was she so upset? Wasn’t she getting what she wanted? To be free to make her own decisions and raise Avery as she saw fit—well, almost. Will would have input but she couldn’t deny that he also wanted what was best for Avery, so that was no problem. Of course, there was the inconvenience of finding a place to live and it wasn’t going to be easy telling people that she and Will had split up after such a short time. And everyone was sure to blame her since Saint Will could do no wrong. But that wasn’t what was upsetting her. It was the leaving, the tearing up of the little family she’d stumbled in to. She had just begun to feel at home in the woods, to feel like Will’s wife. Yet it had never occurred to her to ask to stay, to tell him she wanted to give it more time. His disposal of her had been so
thought out and so absolute, it would have been pointless.
Besides, he couldn’t forgive her. Maybe she couldn’t forgive him either. For sure, she’d turned the sweet kind man he’d been into someone who lived on the brink of bitter. If he thought the marriage wasn’t good for her, it for certain wasn’t good for him. In turn, it couldn’t be in Avery’s best interest to live with them. Yes. This would be better. But right now, it hurt.
Kelly stuck her head in the door. “Dr. Avery—I mean Garrett?” Well, if that wasn’t cold water in her face. Excuse me, world. I know you haven’t gotten used to my new name yet but I’m going back to my old one. Or maybe she wouldn’t. Avery would remain a Garrett. Will could divorce her but he couldn’t make her take her name back. Though she should, shouldn’t she?
Kelly cleared her throat.
“Yes, Kelly?”
“We just had a walk-in and I thought you would want me to work her in since it’s—”
“Not Aspen Snow!” Please, Lord, anyone but her.
“No. Lucy Kincaid. I thought you’d want to see her as soon as possible since she’s your friend. So I put her in exam room one.”
Oh, great. Lucy was the empathetic type and would know something was wrong—and she just didn’t want to talk about it, wasn’t ready for anyone to know yet. Though she was going to have to tell Luke and Lanie if she expected to stay there. All she needed was for Lucy to figure out something was amiss and start calling in the troops. Then she felt ashamed. Her first thought should have been for Lucy’s health, though she’d looked fine last night.
“Thanks, Kelly.” To make up for her selfish thoughts, she quickly jumped up and made her way down the hall as fast as possible.
She needn’t have worried about Lucy cluing into her emotions. If she had expected to find a feverish, listless Lucy lying on the exam table, she would have been very surprised. Lucy was anything but lethargic and she wasn’t alone.
Secrets Gone South (Crimson Romance) Page 21