“Because I was scared of how J.T. made me feel, and afraid that if I kept seeing him that he would break my heart. I couldn’t risk it.”
“Did you really plan to leave him after two years?” Sharon asked, shifting to stretch her arm along the back of the couch.
“The first time J.T. offered to marry me, I turned him down. But then the reality of losing my job and not having an income or health insurance hit me and I freaked out. I’m not proud that I came up with the two-year marriage agreement, but at the time it seemed like my only option. And I didn’t intentionally set out to lie to you and Joe, J.T. asked me to keep the arrangement between us. And I agreed because…my mother was right…I was desperate.”
“How do you feel about my son now?”
“I love him,” Angie’s voice broke as tears pricked the back of her eyes. “And I regretted that stupid agreement almost immediately.”
Relief flickered in Sharon’s eyes. “Have you told J.T. that?”
“I tried, but he didn’t want to talk.” Angie wiped her cheeks with the back of her hand and then dried the tears on the fabric of her dress. “I don’t want to stand in the way of his career. I know he intended to devote his entire off-season to training and I’ve…” she broke off and put a hand to her stomach, “…we’ve been a huge distraction.”
Sharon leaned forward and pulled her into a hug. “Oh, Angie. Is that what you think the problem is?” Angie nodded and buried her face against Sharon’s shoulder. Of course, that was the problem. What else would it be?
* * *
J.T. sat alone at the bar, staring at the bottle of beer in front of him. Timbers Tavern wasn’t far from his parents’ house and catered to a clientele that preferred beer and pretzels to wine and cheese. Although it had been a non-smoking establishment for years, the stale smell of thousands of cigarettes still lingered, no doubt due to the smoke that had seeped into paneled walls covered with rustic farm tools that were supposed to pass as art. It was the perfect place to drown sorrows, or struggle with demons. J.T. was engaged in the latter, not the former.
He wasn’t alone. Christmas Eve wasn’t quite so cheery for everyone, it seemed. The three other patrons in the bar sat alone, and appeared to prefer it that way. No one had approached him except the bartender, who seemed to know better than to try to engage him in conversation.
As the heavy wooden door behind him creaked open and he was hit with a blast of cold air, J.T. didn’t turn around. And when the newcomer slid on the stool next to him, he still didn’t turn. Why bother when he knew who it was?
“I thought I’d find you here,” Jake said, as he motioned for the bartender and then pointed to J.T.’s beer. “I’ll have the same.”
“You have the nose of a bloodhound.” J.T. picked up his bottle and took a long swig.
“And you’re nothing if not predictable,” Jake retorted.
“I’d like to be alone.”
“And I’d like to win the lottery, but that’s never going to happen.”
“Can’t win if you don’t play.”
“And you can’t fix things with Angie sitting here getting drunk,” Jake said, and thanked the bartender as he deposited an icy bottle of beer in front of him.
“I’m not drunk and I…I don’t know if I want to fix things with Angie.” J.T. set his beer on the nicked surface of the bar and turned to scowl at his brother. “Where’s Justin when I need him? He called this, you know. He suspected Angie was using me and he was right.”
“There’s more to the story than that and you know it,” Jake said, then took a long pull of his beer.
“You’re right. I let her use me.” J.T. grabbed his bottle and took another chug. “Not that it matters now. Everything is fucked up.” He swallowed and set his bottle on the bar. “Everything,” he repeated and quickly averted his gaze. He didn’t need Jake’s pity. “I had it all planned.” He stared at the color liquor bottles lined up on shelves behind the bar. “I was going to train like a motherfucker this off-season.”
Jake waved a dismissive hand. “Save it for someone who doesn’t know you like I do. The only reason you wanted to train so hard was to forget Angie.”
J.T. swiveled on his stool. “And you would know that how?”
“Because you never could hold your liquor and the last time I found you in here you couldn’t stop talking about her.”
J.T. frowned. “I don’t remember that.”
“It was during the All-Star break, in July.”
“What did I say?”
Jake shrugged. “I don’t want to embarrass you. But it was obvious you had it bad for her. You never mentioned her by name, but now it’s obvious that she’s the woman you were all tore up about.”
“You’re full of shit,” J.T. said, even though he vaguely recalled getting drunk off his ass after he’d inadvertently learned Angie was dating that stupid accountant. “I’m training hard because I’m sick of being back-up. I want to start.”
“You will, just not for the Blaze.” Jake waved the bartender off as he headed their way. “Look, as long as Scanlon is healthy he’s the starter. Your contract is up after this season and with your stats, you’re guaranteed to get picked up by another team.”
J.T. couldn’t help but roll his eyes. “When did you become the great baseball prognosticator?”
“You’re not the only person in this family who loves baseball, bonehead. There are several teams with aging catchers that’ll be looking for new blood next year. Your name is on everyone’s short list. You might even get to stay in California. The Padres and the Angels are two of the teams who will be on the look-out for a starting catcher next season.”
J.T. reached for his beer and shifted on his stool. “I’m partial to the Padres,” he said, lifting the bottle to his mouth.
Jake shook his head and chuckled. “Then just keep doing what you started doing last season. Make the most of your starts and contribute as much as you can.” A long but not uncomfortable silence stretched between them. “What are you going to do about Angie?”
J.T. slammed his bottle on the bar and wiped his mouth with the back of his hand. “It’s my own fault for being so fucking stupid. I thought I could make her love me,” he said in low tones as the bartender shot them a concerned glance. “I practically twisted her arm to get her to marry me.”
Jake put his hand on J.T.’s shoulder. “You need to talk to her. For what it’s worth, I like her and I think you two are good together.”
“We are good together. But what I did was wrong. I didn’t see it before, but I do now. And I can’t expect her to stay with me, not anymore. I love her, Jake. I can’t force her to continue on with this…this arrangement.”
“That’s why you need to talk to her.” Jake patted his shoulder. “From my observation, she hasn’t been acting like a woman with leaving on her mind.”
* * *
After a hot shower that did nothing to relax her, Angie sat at the kitchen table with a cup of herbal tea. Except for the occasional hum from the refrigerator, the room was quiet. Too quiet.
For the past couple of weeks, Angie had gotten used to a house filled with life, and with family. It wasn’t unusual for Jake to come by to catch a basketball game with J.T., or for Sharon to pop in for a visit during the day when she wasn’t working at her café. For years she’d lived alone, content in her solitude, but now she couldn’t imagine living that way ever again. She wanted a family, and a home filled with love and laughter. And she wanted all of that with J.T.
Shoving her cup aside, Angie folded her arms on the table and rested her head on her forearms. She was tired, but too keyed up to sleep. And the thought of sleeping without J.T. beside her seemed unnatural.
For what seemed like an hour, she wallowed in self-pity until the sound of the garage door opening jolted her out of her depressed stupor. Jerking her head up, she listened as J.T. killed the engine of his truck. Her heart pounded as she heard the garage door close and then seconds later, the door to the laundry
room open. She brushed her hair back and tried to stop her knees from shaking as J.T. entered the kitchen. He stopped short when he saw her at the table and then closed the door behind him.
Angie wanted to cry when she saw the coolness in his eyes.
“You’re home,” she stated the obvious and fidgeted with the lapels of her robe. “I didn’t expect to see you tonight.”
“I’m here to pack a few things.” J.T. moved to the center island and dropped his keys on the countertop. “I’m moving in with Jake.”
Angie’s heart sank. “For how long?”
“I don’t know,” he said, in a weary voice as he lifted a hand to rub his eyes with his fingers.
“Can we at least talk before you leave?”
“I’m not ready to talk.”
“Will you listen while I do?” she asked. “It won’t take long.”
He studied her for several seconds and then nodded. “Okay.”
Taking a deep breath, Angie clasped her hands in front of her on the table as J.T. leaned his hip against the counter and crossed his arms over his chest. Tension oozed between them like quicksand. She swallowed hard and tried to keep her voice steady.
“Before I came to your condo to tell you I was pregnant, I sat in a coffee shop for several hours and rehearsed what I was going to say. But when I was face to face with you I could barely get the words out.” She paused and couldn’t help but smile. “You’ve always done that to me, you know.”
J.T.’s brows knitted. “Done what?”
“Made me forget everything and everyone. The first time I saw you my whole world tilted off its axis. It threw me because I’d never felt anything like that before. My life was all planned out and it didn’t include long-term commitment. Especially with a ballplayer.
“But no matter how hard I tried to forget about you, I couldn’t. I started dating Scott in hopes of getting you out of my system, but it didn’t work. And when you came to my softball game that night and we ended up at Kamu’s, I thought that maybe if I slept with you one time it would satisfy my lust and I’d never have to think about you again.”
“Well, that’s flattering.” J.T.’s expression was as icy as his voice.
Angie took another deep breath to calm her erratic pulse. This was so not going like she’d planned but then, what else was new?
“But it wasn’t just lust. I felt a connection with you that night that went beyond amazing sex. And after I got pregnant I knew we would be bound together forever and it terrified me. I didn’t want to end up like my mother.”
“Yeah. I can see why you wouldn’t want to end up like her,” J.T. said, with a sarcastic edge to his voice.
“It didn’t take long for me to realize that you were nothing like my father. And for the first time in years I felt like I was a part of a real family again. By the time we made love I wasn’t even thinking about that agreement we signed. I don’t want to leave. I want to make this marriage work.”
J.T.’s gaze narrowed with suspicion. “Why?”
“I love you, J.T.”
After a heart-stopping silence, J.T. finally spoke, “I can’t do this right now. I have to go.”
Angie braced her palms on the table and pushed herself up. “Doesn’t knowing I’m in love with you matter?”
“You don’t know me, Angie. Or what I’m capable of,” he said in a thick voice. “And how do I know you mean it?” His solemn gaze rested on her face. “I don’t know you either,” he said, and then walked around the island and left the kitchen.
Angie stared at the empty doorway for several seconds and then picked up her cup and moved to the sink. Blinking back tears, she rinsed the cup out and set it on the counter. Gripping the edge of the sink, she breathed in a deep gulp of air and then turned around and stalked out of the kitchen. By the time she got to the bedroom, she’d left self-pity behind and was in full-on take-no-prisoners-mode.
“You don’t know me?” she demanded as she strode into the bedroom to find J.T. sitting on the end of the bed. He looked up, his eyes widening as she halted in front of him. “Well, know this.” She put her hands on her hips and glared at him.” I’m not giving up on this marriage. Not now, not ever.”
J.T. pushed himself up and stared down at her. Suddenly, every nerve ending in her body kicked into high alert. Their eyes locked and held, the electricity between them too potent to ignore.
“Don’t go,” she whispered, aching for him to take her in his arms.
But he didn’t. Instead he lifted his hand and brushed a rogue ringlet of hair from her face and then gently caressed her cheek. “I can’t stay,” he said huskily. “I need some space, and some time to sort all this out.”
“How much time do you need?”
“I don’t know.” He pulled open the top drawer and pulled out several pairs of briefs and set them atop the dresser. “If you don’t mind, I’d like to be alone,” he said as he stared at their wedding photo. “I should never have asked you to marry me.”
“I don’t regret it,” she said softly.
He turned from the dresser and met her gaze. “I do.”
Chapter Twenty-One
Christmas at the Sawyer house was unusually quiet. The events of the previous evening had cast a pall over the traditional gift exchange, and although no one had yet to mention her name, Angie’s presence had been sorely missed all morning. In the relatively short time they’d been married she’d seamlessly become a part of his family. And now, sitting at the dining room table next to her empty chair, J.T. closed his eyes and tried to ignore the ache that had settled in his chest. He’d thought worshipping Angie from afar for two years was painful, but what he was feeling now was worse. Way worse.
There had been days when he’d wished he could be like many of his teammates—in particular, the ones who had a different woman in their bed every night and never let anyone get too close. But for whatever reason, he wasn’t wired that way. Before meeting Angie he’d dated a few women—nice women with whom he enjoyed spending time. During these relationships he never cheated, or even thought of cheating. And when he was sure a relationship wasn’t going to lead to a long-term commitment he’d end it as decently as he could. Deep down he knew he wanted what his parents had, but until the moment he’d been introduced to Angie he’d begun to believe he would never find it. Why Angie, of all women, had affected him this way he didn’t know. He didn’t necessarily believe in reincarnation or the like, but he was beginning to wonder if maybe they had met in a past life and were predestined to meet again. How else could he explain what he’d felt the second he’d laid eyes on her?
“J.T., are you okay?”
J.T. opened his eyes and met his mother’s concerned gaze from across the table. He nodded and picked up his fork. Sharon Sawyer’s bacon-cheese frittata was a Sawyer staple on Christmas Day, but today it didn’t taste much better than shoe leather. He choked several bites down and then chased them with a sip of his father’s favorite Christmas morning beverage—mimosa. Maybe the champagne in it would dull the headache that was beginning to throb in his temples. Or he’d get drunk. That was also an option. And not a bad one.
His mother cleared her throat and reached for a biscuit. “I called Angie and told her she was still welcome to come over this morning.”
“Why would you do that after last night?” Justin, who sat next to Sharon, asked, a scowl darkening his face.
“She’s still a member of this family.” Joe Sawyer sent a reproving look toward his eldest son. “And no one should be alone on Christmas.”
“Well, since she’s not here, I assume she declined,” Jake said as he helped himself to another serving of country potatoes.
“She said she wasn’t feeling well.”
“Yeah. Right. The real reason is she’s too ashamed to face us,” Justin muttered, and looked at J.T. “I knew she was using you.” J.T. squeezed his fork and tamped down the urge to hurl it, prongs first, at Justin’s smirking face. Maybe Justin had been adopte
d. He was the only Sawyer brother who was an asshole.
“Lighten up,” Jake warned his brother with a hard stare. “Don’t judge her. You don’t know the whole story.”
J.T. leaned back in his chair and wished he was somewhere else. Like in bed with the covers pulled up over his head. Then maybe he would wake up and find this was all a bad dream. “Can we change the subject, please?” He swung his gaze to the other end of the table where Josh sat. “Is Livvie excited about UCD?”
Josh nodded emphatically. “She told me she can’t wait to get out of the house.”
“With a mother like that, who can blame her,” Jake said, and then looked at Sharon with a wide grin on his face. “Have I told you lately that you’re the best mom ever?”
As his family laughed and then moved onto another subject, J.T. tuned them out and tried to finish his breakfast. Sleeping in Jake’s guest room wasn’t how he’d intended to spend Christmas Eve. Instead of giving Angie the special present he picked out for her, he’d tossed and turned on the hardest mattress known to mankind. Between the bed made of concrete and his all-consuming thoughts of Angie, he hadn’t gotten much sleep.
An hour later, he was sprawled on the couch in the family room, watching the annual NBA Christmas Day game but not paying attention to it. His gaze strayed to the mantle and the red and green stocking his mother had hung for Angie. What is she doing right now? A part of him felt bad that she was alone, but another part of him was relieved she hadn’t shown up at his parents’ house. He needed distance to process everything that had happened in the last eighteen hours. Something he couldn’t do if he was anywhere near her.
The sound of the back door opening startled him. He looked over as Justin stepped inside the family room and closed the door behind him. Although the sun was out, J.T. shivered as a burst of cold air hit him. He marveled at his brother’s imperviousness to winter. Only Justin would go outside without a coat in forty degree weather.
“What were you doing in the back yard?”
Justin limped across the room, his sneakers squeaking on the hardwood floor, and gingerly eased himself onto the leather recliner. “Nothing. I just needed some fresh air.”
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