The Tome of Bill Series: Books 1-4 (Bill The Vampire, Scary Dead Things, The Mourning Woods, Holier Than Thou)

by Rick Gualtieri

  Kitten? Think. Kitten ... cat ... cats have ... claws! I did, too. Sally had shown me earlier. Now I just had to concentrate. Block out the pain.

  Smack! Okay, try harder to block out the pain. Come on ... extend. Now ... SLASH!

  I brought my right hand up in an arc and raked it across Jeff's eyes. Yeah, take that, fucker!

  It was another moment before I realized he wasn't dropping me to scream in pain or clutch at the ruins of his once-chiseled complexion. I refocused on his face and noticed it was still there, completely intact and no worse off except maybe for an expression of confusion on it.

  “What the fuck was that?” he asked.

  I held up my hand and looked at it. No wicked claws met my gaze, just my stupid fat fingers. Fuck! Guess Sally was right about practicing these things. Great! I had hoped that if I had to die, I would at least go out in a blaze of glory ... worst case was probably going out in a way that would at least piss Jeff off. But, noooo. Maybe he was right and I was pathetic.

  We locked eyes, triumph in his, defeat in mine, as I prepared for the deathblow. I actually found myself hoping that, if the end had to come, he would take my head off with one blow ... it'd probably hurt less that way. I mentally said my goodbyes to everyone: my friends, my parents, and maybe most of all, to Sheila. We would never get a chance to make a life together, have kids together, grow old together ... or ever go on that first date together. I would die alone.

  Or maybe not.

  As I was mentally writing my own eulogy, Tom leaped out of the darkness and jumped onto Jeff's back. Yep, my friend had completely lost it. He yelled, “The power of Prime compels you!” and slammed his toy against the side of Jeff's face. There was a flash of light and the douchebag’s head began smoking.

  Yes!

  Jeff screamed and dropped me. I landed in a heap and watched the spectacle, still unable to do much to help. He spun around a few times with my friend still on his back and flames starting to appear on his head. Tom was actually making a pretty good go of it. A few more seconds and Jeff was going to have a Roman candle for a noggin.

  Unfortunately, he didn't get those few extra seconds. Jeff managed to reach a hand around and grab hold of Tom's shirt. He physically tore Tom off his back and, before my roommate could further react, Jeff threw him like a rag doll. He slammed into the wall with a sickening crunch and slid to the floor. Oh, God, no!

  I looked at where he had landed, but there was no sign of movement. As much as I wanted to go and check on him, though, I couldn't. Jeff was slowly turning back toward me. Most of his hair was gone, his face was covered in burns of varying degrees, and he had a distinct action figure-shaped scar seared into the side of his head. But even with all that, he was still smiling – the fucker.

  This was usually the part in an action movie where the hero sees his buddy go down, screams “Noooooooo!” or something equally articulate, and then gets a second wind so as to get up and take the baddie out. I actually did give it a try, but my attempt to rise to my feet was somewhat less than heroic. It was more of a slow lurch upward, like a baby trying to walk for the first time.

  Jeff started to reach down, no doubt to help me back to my feet again, but paused and then looked back in the direction from which Tom had sprung. “You might as well come out. I can hear you breathing,” he said to the shadows.

  “Oh?” replied Ed, stepping from the darkness with his gun raised. “Can you hear this?” He pulled back on the pump and there was an audible click as he chambered a round.

  Jeff sneered at him. “And what are you going to do with that? Do you really think it'll do you any good?”

  “Worked pretty well against your pet back there. Took most of her head off at this range. I'd say that was pretty good,” Ed replied, leveling the gun at Jeff's face.

  “I think you'll find I'm in a slightly different weight class. You so much as twitch your finger and I'll tear your head from your shoulders before you even know what’s happening.”

  “Maybe you will, and maybe you won't.”

  I had to give him credit. He was talking smack pretty well in the face of a threat he had good reason to believe was anything but idle.

  Jeff actually chuckled. “I have to admit, you have balls. A lot more than your friend here, but I'm afraid it's just not enough. Now why don't you be a good little boy and LOWER THE GUN!!”

  Oh crap! I could see the battle of wills taking place. Jeff was giving a direct compulsion to Ed, who was trying his best to resist. Unfortunately, after a few seconds, the gun started to shake in his hands and he slowly lowered the barrel. His eyes didn't glaze over the way Sally's had, but I could still see he was losing.

  Fortunately for me, Jeff had to concentrate to do this. His full attention was on Ed, which gave me the few seconds I needed to make it back to my feet. I steeled myself – despite feeling more like balsa wood than steel – as best as I could and lunged at his back.

  If you're thinking that what I did was a little on the obvious side, don't worry; Jeff did, too. He reached back and caught me by the throat without so much as glancing in my direction. He turned his head to face me and asked, “Don't you know it's rude to interrupt?” and that was when the gun went off.

  ♦ ♦ ♦

  Jeff screamed in pain and again let me go. He bent over to grab his left leg, which was now missing a fair-sized chunk of meat from the thigh.

  “Word of advice, asshole,” Ed said, once again raising the barrel of the shotgun. “Next time, try ‘put down the gun’ instead of ‘lower it.’”

  He started to chamber another shell, but had underestimated our opponent. Jeff was still very much in the game. Quicker than Ed could react, Jeff grabbed the barrel of the shotgun. He gave it a quick yank to pull Ed off balance and then shoved back on it, causing the stock of the gun to slam straight into my friend’s face with an audible crunch. Ed let go of it and fell back. Jeff flung the weapon off into the shadows and began to advance upon my downed roommate.

  It was now or never. I had managed to stay on my feet when Jeff released me. I still didn't have enough in me to launch any type of reasonably impressive counterattack, but I had to do something. He had already likely killed one of my friends. No way was I letting him get another without going through me first. I leaped...

  And landed on him, piggyback style. I wrapped my legs around his midsection and my arms around his neck. “Forget about me, fucker?!” I screamed into his ear.

  Jeff went nuts. He started spinning around to try to knock me loose, but I was stuck like a tick. He tried prying my arms off, but his leverage wasn't good. I wasn't exactly choking him out, but I definitely had turned his attention away from Ed.

  “Enough of this!” he snarled, then backed up and crushed me against the wall. Oof! It hurt, but I still refused to let go.

  “SALLY, TO ME!! NOW!! You forget, fool,” he said, still trying to shake me off, “that I can command her to take action.”

  “And you forget that I'm the motherfucking Freewill,” I spat right back as a thought hit me. “And I can do this!” Extending my fangs, I sunk them into his neck.

  Somewhere in the back of my mind my internal voice chimed in with, It’s about time you remembered you could do that.

  Now to only hope that it worked again.

  Jeff let out a high-pitched scream that quickly turned into a gurgle as I dug in. His blood flowed into my mouth and down my throat and ... holy shit! If the blood from that HBC vamp was an electric charge, then Jeff's was a goddamned lightning bolt. It was like I was a car engine that someone had suddenly injected nitrous oxide into.

  As I drank his blood, it felt like my body was turbocharged in every sense. I felt stronger, swifter, and more alert. Best of all, my wounds appeared to be healing at light speed. Whatever pain I had felt earlier from Jeff's beating was gone. In fact, within a few moments, I couldn't detect any trace of my injuries at all.

  Jeff's struggles started to weaken. This was it. I was the victor. I was the ma
n!

  I was an idiot.

  He’d been playing possum and I had fallen for it. He bent over, twisted his shoulder, and threw me off with a judo toss that would have made Sensei Berkowitz proud. Considering the dozen plus times his students had done that to me during my short tenure as his pupil, I should have seen it coming. But I didn't, and I wound up flat on my back.

  Jeff's boot appeared in my field of vision, rushing to stomp in my face. However, I was running on high octane now. I caught his foot and gave him a shove, which sent him flying off balance. We both got to our feet simultaneously. He charged me, but I tensed my legs and jumped.

  This time, there wasn't a low ceiling to slam into. I flipped over his head ... well, okay, I sorta flipped. What I did was good for me, but it definitely wasn't going to get me an invitation to join the men's Olympic gymnastics team anytime soon. It didn't matter, though, as it got the job done. I landed ... mostly on my feet, as Jeff slammed into a pile of debris.

  He turned and launched himself at me again, but this time, I met him full on. Our hands locked and he tried to power me down to my knees. However, I was able to meet him as an equal. His blood, and thus his strength, was currently flowing in my veins. I met him thrust for thrust ... in a fighting sort of way, not a porno sort of way. Just wanted to clarify that.

  We fought back and forth, each trying to gain an advantage over the other. Eventually, though, I started to feel myself gaining ground. Our strength was currently on par with each other, but whereas I was fresh, Jeff had a gaping neck wound that was still dripping blood. I felt him begin to weaken. Now it was my turn to...

  Then, quite unexpectedly, he smiled and said, “It's about time. Game over, Dr. Death.”

  Out of the corner of my eye, I saw Sally walk from the shadows – still with that glazed look on her face. She stepped on Ed as she advanced toward us and he let out a grunt of pain (at least he was still alive). Jeff had already proven that he still had enough control to use her as a distraction, and that was exactly what I didn't need right then.

  I turned my head and spoke to her. “Sally, snap out of it. He's weakened. You don't have to let him control youuuuuuuu!” That last part came out as more of a screech than an actual word, because that was the point where Jeff's uninjured leg came up. His knee smashed into my balls with the force of a runaway freight train.

  I disengaged from our grapple and doubled over. Super-amped vampire strength or not, goddamn, that hurt. And I mean hurt, as in I couldn't even remember my name through the feeling that was radiating out from my groin.

  “Owed you that one,” spat Jeff, staggering back and holding onto his torn neck. I tried to open my mouth to form a witty reply, but my testicles were kind of stuck in my throat at the moment. Thus, the best I could do were a few inarticulate grunts.

  This sucked! Jeff looked like he was about done, but I couldn't do shit about it, at least not while it felt like a marching band was using my nuts as their personal parade ground. From the smile on his face, I could tell he was well aware of this.

  He softly said, “And now it ends.” Then he turned toward my compelled companion and commanded, “SALLY, KILL THIS ASSHOLE!!”

  Sally immediately sprang into action. She rushed toward me at full speed. I tensed my body for the impact. This was not going to be pretty.

  And then she ran past me, straight toward Jeff.

  His eyes opened wide in a look of confusion that probably matched the one on my face, and then Sally struck him. She bent over and rammed her shoulder into his midsection like a defensive lineman. He was picked up off his feet by the much smaller vampire, but she didn't stop there. Maintaining speed, she carried Jeff in the direction of the security door. He attempted to rain blows upon her back, but she had him in an awkward position to do so. Before he could do much to slow her down, she barreled full-steam into the door. The force of the impact was more than its latch could take. It immediately swung open. The two combatants disappeared into the daylight, the door's reverse momentum causing it to slam shut again once they were past.

  All this happened in the space of a second or two. Even had I been able, I doubt I would have had time to do more than yell at her to stop before she carried Jeff out into the sunlight.

  The walls of the warehouse were thick, but not thick enough to stop the screams that came from outside. Fortunately, they didn't last long.

  ♦ ♦ ♦

  After a few minutes, the throbbing in my crotch subsided to a dull roar and I was able to get back up. My healing system was still running on Jeff juice, thus even that quickly faded away. I walked over to where Ed lay. His hands were cupped over his face and I could see a lot of blood on them. I bent down and shook his shoulder.

  “Hey, man, you okay?”

  He gave an inarticulate grunt in reply. I shook his shoulder again and his eyes opened. After a second, they focused on me. He tried to sit up and I caught his arm to help him. Finally he lowered his hands and I was able to survey the damage.

  “Ew!”

  “How bad?” he managed to slur.

  “I'm sorry to say your days as a beauty queen are over.”

  He stared hard at me for a moment.

  “A black eye, split lip. Smile.”

  He did.

  “Looks like you're missing a tooth. Oh, and your nose is completely broken to shit. I think you'll live. You just won't be pretty to look at for a while.” I held out a hand to help him to his feet.

  “Then I guess I'll get to know what it's like to be you,” he joked, spitting out some blood. “Is it safe to assume we won?”

  “Yeah, we did.”

  “Everyone in one piece?” he asked.

  I was silent for a moment and then said, “Not quite.”

  “Tom?”

  “I don't know. Are you strong enough to walk with me and check? Not sure I can handle that alone.”

  He nodded and we walked over to where Tom still lay face down. “He got hit hard,” I said, “but he took a hell of a piece out of that fucker before he did.” Damn, it sounded too much like a eulogy to me.

  “Best not to drag this out,” he said. Was it me, or did even he sound a little misty?

  We both bent down and tried shaking Tom's shoulder. No response. I did so again, a little harder. Nothing. I was about to stand back up, defeated, when he coughed. Ed and I looked at each other, surprise and relief in both of our eyes.

  “Tom!” I yelled as I did it again. “Wake up!”

  He started to stir a little more. “C'mon, buddy!” Ed cried. “You can do it.”

  Finally, we heard some muffled words from Tom's down-turned face. I bent over and asked, “What? I couldn't hear you.”

  He coughed weakly. “I said damn, that was a hard wall.”

  “Are you okay?” I asked.

  “No,” he answered, just barely audible.

  “Help me turn him over,” I said to Ed. Gently, we rolled Tom over onto his back. He was one giant bruise, and his hands were clutched tightly over his chest.

  “No,” he said again, louder now that he was facing upward.

  “It'll be okay. Let me see.”

  Ed gave me a worried look. He reached down and slowly pried Tom's fingers away from his chest. We were both expecting the worst. What we saw instead were the broken pieces of his Optimus Prime toy.

  “That's it?” I asked, annoyed.

  Tom's eyes opened a bit. “Do you know how much that thing was worth?”