“No prob, dude. Besides, it’s pretty fucking cold up here. My dick would probably freeze and snap off anyway.”
“Thanks for the visual,” I replied, right before we all started laughing.
♦ ♦ ♦
After getting dressed, I walked out of the tent in search of Sally. I didn’t have to go far. She was standing a couple dozen yards away, facing the tree line.
“See any knotholes that you feel like competing against?” I asked, walking up behind her. Her response was a quick lifting of her arm followed by her middle finger. Ignoring it, I continued, “So what the hell was that back there?”
“Protection,” she replied.
“For what?”
“Not for what, for who,” she stated. “For you and those two fleshbags you keep around.”
“I’m not following.”
“Color me surprised,” she mumbled before answering. “I’m here for you – well, okay, I wouldn’t be if you hadn’t dragged me into it – but since you did, I’m here for you. We are partners, for better or worse. But there’s a problem.”
“What?”
“François.”
“I kinda figured he wasn’t exactly on our side.”
“No, you don’t understand. You remember yesterday, that compulsion he threw out?”
I nodded.
“The guy didn’t look like he put any effort into it, yet he bowled over both my and Nergui’s defenses like they were tissue paper.”
“You’re afraid he might compel you to act against me?”
“Maybe, but if he did, you’d probably see it coming. A compulsion like that wouldn’t be too subtle. What I’m more afraid of is him using me as a spy of sorts.”
“Wouldn’t I notice that, too?”
“Not if he just compelled me to spill my guts and tell him everything I know.”
“Ah, I see. That’s why you stormed off a few minutes ago.”
“Yes. For right now at least, the less I know that isn’t common knowledge, the better off you’ll be.”
I was touched. Sometimes it was easy to forget that in some ways Sally and I were every bit as close as I was with my roommates. She could be a caustic, bitter, sarcastic bitch, but when the shit hit the fan, it was always awesome to see her step up to the plate. Sure, some of it wasn’t exactly altruism on her part. We both knew that she benefited greatly ever since I took over our coven. Still, she could easily have brokered favor with a higher ranking vampire like François by fucking me over. That she was going out of her way to do otherwise was pretty goddamned cool. If I didn’t think I would get decked for the effort, I’d give her a big ole hug.
“Fair enough,” I replied. “Just know one thing.”
“I’m already aware of how tight my ass is.”
“Besides that. If I start doing anything stupid in there today...”
She raised an amused brow.
“You know what I mean. If I do anything that seems to go against François’s rules, just know that I’m doing it on purpose and not just to piss him off. Well okay, part of it might be to piss him off. I might as well enjoy myself while I can.”
“Thanks for the heads up. Oh, and if I start getting that glazed look in my eye, you have permission to slap me back to reality.”
“Really?”
“Yes. Just don’t screw it up. Hit me when I’m not compelled and I’ll strangle you with your own intestines.”
Somehow, I suspected she wasn’t quite joking on that last one.
♦ ♦ ♦
My conversation with Sally quickly fell back into our usual bickering. She was in the middle of complaining about the lack of facilities (it was a fair bet that within a few days we were all going to be smelling about as good as our hosts), when suddenly a shadow fell upon where we stood. We both looked up to find a Bigfoot towering over us. As with the other day, it had seemingly appeared out of nowhere. How could something so big be so quiet?
“We begin soon,” the creature grumbled. “Eat now.”
“Eat?”
“I leave food for you in hut.”
“Thank you, Grulg,” Sally replied. At that, he grunted and lumbered off.
“That was Grulg?” I asked once he was out of earshot.
“Yeah.”
“How could you tell?”
“By scent. Each of these creatures has a unique odor,” she replied, wrinkling her nose.
“Oh. I didn’t think of that. Been mostly breathing through my mouth since we got here.”
“You, a mouth breather? What a surprise. Oh, well, let’s go see what our gracious hosts have left us for breakfast.”
♦ ♦ ♦
We returned to find Tom and Ed sitting at a makeshift table, several crude bowls in front of them. Ed was busy duct-taping a heavy duty flashlight to the barrel of his gun, while Tom was eating.
“I hear room service has been by,” I said, walking over to them.
“Yep,” Ed replied, finishing up his makeshift night scope. “Sadly, the breakfast buffet in this place leaves a lot to be desired.”
“The nuts and berries aren’t so bad,” Tom commented, scooping up a handful. “Tastes kind of like trail mix.”
“I guess so,” agreed Ed, “but just between us, I’m going to pass on the grubs.” He indicated a bowl in the middle, within which several fat bugs squirmed.
“Nice,” I said. “Nuts and berries it is, then.” I reached for the bowl in front of Tom, but he slapped my hand.
“Not so fast. This sumptuous feast is ours. They dropped your meal off in the corner there, or can’t you smell it?”
I turned, taking a breath through my nose and then it hit me. “What the fuck is that?”
“Offhand,” said Sally, stepping over to the source of the stench. “I’d say it was the world’s unluckiest hiker.”
Sure enough, she was right. Lying in the corner was a human corpse, all decked out in cold weather camping gear. Judging by the condition of the body, though, it wasn’t exactly a fresh kill.
“Been dead for about three weeks, I’d say,” she continued, adding a sarcastic edge to her voice. “So nice of the Bigfeet to stock their larders for us ahead of time.”
“I’ll pass,” I said, stepping over to our cooler. I opened it and noticed just two pints of blood left. “Want one?”
“You keep it. You like the bottled stuff more anyway.”
“You’re not going to actually chew into that, are you?”
“Don’t be stupid. I’m going to go out and wander around a bit. I’m willing to bet some of the other vamps here have brought along something a little fresher.”
“Going to bat your eyelashes and convince them to invite you over?”
“Hell yeah,” she said, walking toward the entrance. “If you’ve got it, use it ... and I’ve definitely got it.” With that, she stepped back outside.
She had a point. I knew Sally was over fifty years old, although she was pretty coy about her exact age. Even immortal chicks were apparently weird about those things. Still, regardless of how old she was, I was fairly sure it had been a long time since she had stepped into a bar and paid for her own drinks. I had little doubt when next we met that she’d show up well fed.
So that left me. I downed one of the pints immediately. That would leave me good to go for the time being. Unfortunately, these talks were bound to last a while. No point in suffering needlessly. I looked again in the cooler and found a near-empty Snapple bottle. I finished off the contents, then poured the remaining blood into it. Remembering one of the primary lessons learned in college, I pulled out a pen and wrote “BILL” on the label. I didn’t know if Sasquatches drank blood or not, but better safe than having one of those ugly motherfuckers backwash in my drink. That would just be nasty.
That done, I cleaned myself up as best as I could. When finished, I asked my friends, “So what do you think? Do I look ready to save the world?”
“If they’re judging you by appearance,” Ed replied.
“Then I’d say the world is fucked.”
“Works for me. If I’m going to plunge this planet into a global genocide, I’d prefer to be comfortable doing so.”
Satan’s Snack Cart
Sally returned a short while later looking fully sated. The smirk on her face was all the answer I needed as to whether she had been successful in her attempt to scam a meal.
It wasn’t too much longer before a familiar guttural voice called to us from outside, “Time is now.”
Thus summoned, we stepped outside as a group. Standing there, as expected, was Grulg. Next to him was Nergui, decked out in full battle armor, looking like some sort of samurai.
He gave us a quick glance as we approached, and I could have sworn something like disapproval passed through his eyes. My companions and I looked more likely to be the victims in a Friday the 13th movie than important delegates.
Grulg grunted and turned, beckoning us to follow. As we started walking, I asked Nergui, “You expecting trouble?”
“I am always open to the possibility, but, this,” he indicated his attire, “is tradition. As your guard, I am expected to be armed for conflict. So too will my counterparts be. It is purely ceremonial.”
Something about his tone told me that was only partially true. I could only imagine that, amongst supernatural beings with a penchant for violence, purely ceremonial could quickly turn into practical. Just great. Armor was fine for him, but if the talks suddenly devolved into combat, my winter coat wouldn’t do much to protect me.
I knew Sally had her hand cannon, and Ed was openly carrying his shotgun. Tom was likewise unarmed, but I had little doubt his hell-spawn of a girlfriend would come to his aid if trouble broke out. That left me. Wonderful.
Perhaps sensing my discomfort, Nergui matched my stride. I felt him press something into my hand. I looked down, it was a sheathed dagger.
“Purely ceremonial?” I asked.
“Of course,” he replied, quickening his pace again.
♦ ♦ ♦
“Suddenly, I feel underdressed,” I said, seeing the large group of vampires standing before us on the trail.
Whereas we looked as if we had just spent the night camping, which wasn’t too far from the truth, the party before us could have stepped out of a Hollywood soiree. Crisp suits, overcoats, and polished shoes stood out like a sore thumb amongst the foliage. Great, now I had to worry about the undead fashion police, too.
I frowned as I recognized François and his contingent amongst the group. However, that frown almost immediately turned upside down as I finally saw a familiar face: James. He stood a bit away from François, their mutual dislike apparent even from a distance. Several vampires stood with him, a few of whom I vaguely recognized. He had brought some of his own people with him. Smart. Even smarter, I didn’t see Colin amongst them. Good. I had enough to worry about without that little ass kisser trying to gum up the works.
Once we had arrived at the group, Grulg announced, “Grulg go ahead. T’lunta enter when announced. No sooner.” He gave us all a look of barely contained anger and walked ahead. Mind you, almost every look I’d seen him give us had practically screamed that, so maybe I was reading too much into it.
Fortunately, lest I start to miss them, François was right there to continue giving me hostile glances. He gave my friends and me the once over. “So much for us putting our best foot forward,” he said with a haughty sniff.
“Sorry. I didn’t get the memo about the dress code,” I replied.
“I can assure you, it’s quite all right,” said James, walking up to all of us. “I sincerely doubt the Alma will be all too concerned with our attire.”
“They will not be the only ones present,” spat François, oozing disgust.
“I am well aware,” James answered evenly. “Just as I am aware that the majority of the witnesses present will not exactly be mavens of fashion themselves. I for one will be quite surprised if the au naturale participants do not outnumber the clothed ones by a good many.”
François narrowed his eyes, but James held his gaze. Though François was older, the two were of the same rank. In the vampire community, to show any sign of weakness was to acknowledge the other as your better. Fuck that! Hell, I was little more than a piece of shit compared to either of them, and I wasn’t about to acknowledge some French Nazi dickweasel as my superior.
Finally, François turned to me, a sneer on his face. “It ultimately doesn’t matter. Just do your job, Freewill. Sit at the head of the table, nod when you are supposed to, and let those far more qualified set the terms for this treaty.”
“Right-o, chief,” I said glibly, eliciting a chuckle from both my roommates.
He gave each of us a glare that said he would have gladly gutted us, and then turned on his heel. His lackeys ... err, negotiators immediately fell into step and began following him.
Once he left, the tension eased considerably. James walked over and gave Nergui a hearty clap on the shoulder. “It is good to see you again, my friend.”
Nergui nodded. “Her highness sends her regards, Wanderer.”
James must have noticed me wince a little, because he smiled before addressing me. “Welcome, Dr. Death. I am happy to see you made it. I’m told that others were not so fortunate.”
“Yep,” I acknowledged. “While still others seem to have benefited from that misfortune.”
The smile dropped off his face and he got serious. “Yes, a most disturbing turn of events. I shall be monitoring things quite closely from my place on the sidelines. If François’s men do anything to jeopardize the peace process, whether purposely or through their own ignorance, I will be forced to become more involved.”
“Isn’t that dangerous for you?”
“Yes, but I place the good of the whole before my well-being. For now, though, I will trust François’s people to uphold the will of the First. However, should that change...”
“I have it covered,” I said.
A look of something close to panic came over James’s face. “No! Your duties have already been set in this matter. Do not overstep your authority. It would be unwise.”
I gave Tom and Ed a quick glance. I opened my mouth to mention how there had been a change of plans, but then remembered Sally’s warning. I’d have to bring James up to speed when she wasn’t around. For now, I simply nodded.
“Good,” he replied. “To do otherwise could be disastrous.”
♦ ♦ ♦
“There shouldn’t be too much to worry about today, regardless,” said James as we walked along the forest trail. “I expect little more than introductions, some posturing, and a setting of the ground rules. Even François’s men should be able to handle that.”
“Sounds pretty easy...”
“There is one issue of concern, though,” he said.
“Just one?”
“A rather important one,” he stressed. “You have no doubt noticed Grulg speaking in English, correct?”
The Tome of Bill Series: Books 1-4 (Bill The Vampire, Scary Dead Things, The Mourning Woods, Holier Than Thou) Page 72