And walk we did. Hours passed, or I assumed they did. I had left my cell phone back at the hut. It wasn’t much good out here in the land of zero bars. As for my watch, while supposedly waterproof, it was apparently not shitproof. It had stopped working not too long after we took a nosedive into the Bigfoot latrine.
We tried mostly to go in a straight line. Doubling back wouldn’t help us, especially if we ran into any of Turd’s group. We wound up changing direction only once or twice after Sally caught a few promising scents. It was kinda like hiking with the world’s cutest bloodhound. Unfortunately, they were all false alarms. The stench coming off of us was wreaking havoc with both of our noses. Fortunately, though, smell wasn’t the only enhanced vampire sense.
As we walked in full darkness, Sally suddenly cocked her head to the side. “Hear that?”
I listened. For a moment, there was only silence, but then my ears picked up a sound. It was distant, but definitely there.
“What is it?” I asked.
Of course, I got an eye-roll in return. “Did you spend your entire life indoors?”
“Oh, like you didn’t,” I countered.
“No, actually.”
“Dressing up like Sheena: Queen up the Jungle for clients doesn’t count.”
“Hey, at least I’ve been camping before.”
“Oh, yeah, when?” I demanded.
She opened her mouth to answer, but then hesitated. “Never mind,” she snapped.
“Hold on. Spill! When were you camping?”
“It’s not important...”
“Then I’ll just assume you’re full of shit.”
“Fine!” She rounded on me, causing me to back up a step. “I was a ... Girl Scout, okay?”
That being answered, we continued on our way in respectful silence.
Oh, who am I kidding? I immediately started laughing my ass off.
“Sally the Girl Scout. That’s great.”
“It’s not that funny, asshole.”
“So did you go door to door selling your cookies?”
“Ignoring you now,” she replied and trudged ahead.
“Tell me, do they give out merit badges for lap dancing?” I was just about to let loose with a tirade of Girl Scout jokes when the sound became noticeably louder. I finally realized what it was.
I caught up to Sally just as she stopped at the edge of a drop off. About twenty feet below us, a river roared past. It wasn’t particularly wide, but it was moving quickly.
“This’ll do,” she said.
“For what?”
“Bath time,” was all the answer I heard before being shoved forward into empty space.
♦ ♦ ♦
FUCK ME! The water was cold, as in just a few degrees above freezing. I surfaced and immediately began screaming every obscenity in my arsenal (a not insignificant amount). There came a loud splash in response. I turned back and saw Sally surface about thirty feet behind me. I opened my mouth to voice my opinion on things, when I slammed into a rock. It felt about as good as it sounds. Unfortunately, before I could do much more than ponder my newly smashed skull, the current carried me into another rock, then another.
This went on for about five minutes or so, the river playing human pinball with my body. Fortunately, it’s very hard for vampires to drown, that whole being dead thing coming into play. Sadly, there’s nothing wrong with my nerve endings. The only good part was that I was soon too numb from the cold to feel myself being pummeled.
At last, the river became both wider and deeper. The pace of the current slackened and, within a few more minutes, I found myself treading water. The sound of the roaring rapids started to fade and silence settled in. I looked around to get my bearings and saw the shore about ten yards away. Teeth chattering, I began to paddle for it when something touched my leg.
I stopped and looked around. Nothing but quiet ... well that and a whole lot of freezing water. Must have been a...
It did it again. What the hell? Was there some hungry fish debating whether I’d make a good meal? Did they have alligators in Canada? I decided that it was best not to stick around to find out. I began to swim for the shore ... and that was when something grabbed my leg and pulled me under.
Frozen Wasteland
“Gee, Bill, I had no idea you could sound so much like a little girl,” Sally said, standing at the edge of the water wringing out her hair.
“That wasn’t funny,” I replied, teeth still chattering.
“And yet here I am laughing. Who did you think it was?”
“I don’t know, but when you’ve seen Jaws as many times as I have, you get a little nervous about things in the water.”
“Why doesn’t that surprise me?”
“Fine, so you got your little payback from earlier. Happy now?”
“You think I shoved you into that river just for some petty revenge?”
“You didn’t?”
“Well, okay, I kind of did,” she smiled. Thank God she looked really cute wet. Otherwise, I might’ve been tempted to slug her. “But, it was also necessary.”
“Define necessary.”
“Take a breath, genius. Notice how we don’t smell like a pig pen anymore? Now I might have a chance in hell of catching a scent and getting us back.”
“Hopefully you can do it before I freeze solid. Aren’t you cold?”
“Freezing,” she replied. “But, unlike you, I’m not a wuss.”
“Good for you, ice queen.”
We began to walk again. The river had completely turned me around. As far as I was concerned, we were hopelessly lost. Sally, though, didn’t waver for a second before picking a direction and setting off in it. Who knows? Maybe she really had been a Girl Scout after all. Of course, it was possible she had as little clue as I did and was just faking it. Still, it beat standing there on the riverbank like two lost idiots.
“Think they started without us?” I asked, catching up to her.
“No doubt. Hell, François’s men probably broke open the champagne when they saw that you weren’t there to stop them from selling us out.”
“Maybe Ed and...”
“I wouldn’t hold my breath,” she said. “They’re humans. Without you around, they’ll be given about as much consideration as two burritos. I’m hoping Nergui didn’t even let them go. It’ll be safer for them.”
“Ooh, is that worry I hear in your voice? Sally and Eddie sitting in a tree ... F U C...”
“Finishing that thought would be detrimental to your health,” she growled. Suddenly she stopped, so abruptly that I almost walked into her.
“Relax, Sally. I was just joking.”
She turned and gave me a condescending look. “You need to try better than that if you want to ruffle my feathers.”
“Then why...”
“A scent, two of them actually.”
“What is it?”
“You want the good news or the bad news?”
“I’m an optimist at heart. What’s the good?”
“I’m pretty sure I smell vampires.”
“And the bad?”
“We’d better start walking a little faster. I think it’s about to snow.”
♦ ♦ ♦
Snow was an understatement. One minute, nothing, and the next we were walking in a winter wonderland. If you’re thinking it did little to help warm me up, you’re correct. Fuck this shit! Once I got back to New York, I was locking myself away in my office with a week’s supply of blood and a space heater.
We doubled our pace. The way it was coming down, it wouldn’t be too long before we were wishing for snowshoes. Considering that Sally was unlikely to want to share body heat any time soon, that meant we had best track down the vamps she had smelled. I just hoped they turned out to be friendly.
♦ ♦ ♦
“We’re close. Just up ahead,” Sally said.
I still couldn’t tell the scent of other vampires for shit, but there was nothing wrong with my nose. I took a whi
ff. “I think I smell...”
“Diesel,” she finished for me. “They might have a truck.”
“As long as the heater is working, I don’t care if it’s a fucking Smart Car.”
We moved more quickly, eventually breaking out into a full run – slippery ground be damned.
After a minute or two at that pace, Sally hit the brakes. She came to a halt and I followed her lead.
“What is it?”
“They should be here.”
“Who?”
“The other vampires, idiot.”
“Doesn’t look like anyone is here to me.” I cupped my hands over my mouth and shouted, “Hello!”
“I’m pretty sure if we can smell them, they can smell us.”
“Well then, where are they? Don’t tell me you led us into an encampment of the world’s stupidest vampires.”
“If so, they could crown you king,” she quipped, taking another breath. “Oh no.”
“I’m going to assume that’s not a good ‘oh no.’”
Sniffing the air, she walked a few yards to the right then stopped and dropped to her knees.
“So where are they?”
“Here.” She bent down and began brushing snow away from an area. Within a few seconds, the slush began to mix with something black beneath it. It looked like soot or ... ash. “And here.” She indicated a spot close by. “Four more scattered about the place, by the smell of things.”
“Six dusted vamps?”
“Yep. If I were to place a bet, I’d say four negotiators...”
“And two bodyguards maybe?”
“Something like that.”
“Well, I guess that mystery is solved.”
“Not really,” she said. “I think by now everyone assumed this is what happened. The question is not so much what as it is how and why.”
“Can you ... err ... sniff out any clues?”
“Do I look like Grizzly Adams to you?”
“Who?” I asked.
“Never mind. And you call me pop culture ignorant,” she said with a sigh. “I can try, although this goddamn snow isn’t helping.”
“You look here. That diesel smell is pretty close. I’m going to go check it out.”
“Don’t wander too far. If I have to come looking for you...”
“Yeah, I know, I’ll never hear the end of it.”
♦ ♦ ♦
Fortunately, I didn’t have to wander far at all. I crested a small rise about fifty yards away and saw the source of the smell down below. It was one of those big ass Snowcats, like the ones you see on the Travel Channel when they’re off exploring the Arctic tundra. Goddamn assholes. They sent me a piece of shit station wagon that my grandparents could have owned, but these fuckers got a piece of prime tech. I was tempted to go back and take a nice big shit on each of their remains. Fucking Draculas!
Pushing my irritation aside, I realized that the Snowcat itself wasn’t the interesting part. It was both its condition and the surroundings that caught my eye. They told quite the story, and it was pretty damn scary.
The Snowcat was lying on its side. It had somehow tumbled down into a shallow ravine. It was all beat to hell, but it didn’t look like the crash had caused it all. The doors on the top side of the vehicle were completely torn off. Either something wanted out badly, or something wanted in even more urgently. Judging by the pieces of twisted metal strewn about, it seemed like that latter scenario was far more likely.
What could ... oh, who was I kidding? I knew quite well what could do this sort of damage. The wreck practically screamed that they had crossed paths with a couple tons of pissed off forest spirit. I had little doubt Sally was now coming to that same conclusion. A bunch of Sasquatches had waylaid our team, dumped the truck end over end, and then gone after the creamy center inside. The vamps, not being complete idiots, had made a run for it. However, their pursuers had...
Wait a second. Running full out, most vampires could outpace a Bigfoot. James had told me as much back when we were in Mongolia. Then how...?
Hmm, maybe it was an ambush. A few monkeys scared the vamps, then chased them right into the waiting arms of Turd and his minions. That sounded plausible to me.
I walked down to the Snowcat. It sure as hell wasn’t going to be getting us back to anywhere anytime soon. On the other hand, if the inhabitants had vacated the premises quickly, then perhaps they had left some supplies behind. As I mentioned earlier, being a vampire means I’m not all that worried about dropping dead regardless of the circumstances. However, I was still freezing my balls off. Hell, I’d settle for tearing apart a seat cushion and stuffing the foam down my pants ... not that I needed to stuff anything down my pants to impress the ladies. It would be strictly for warmth, you see, and...
I let that train of thought go as I reached the vehicle and considered the best way to investigate. Oh well, when in doubt, go for the obvious.
Getting into the cab proved to be a snap. Not only were the doors ripped off, but the windows were all smashed, too. Judging by the spray of glass, they had been broken outward. Now the picture began to get clearer. While something ripped apart the door, the vamps inside had taken the express route to try and run.
Looking at the cabin – which was a lot roomier than the clunker we’d driven up in – I saw that I was correct. The previous occupants had vacated the premises in a hurry. I saw bags of luggage and a large cooler stashed in the back. Suddenly I knew how my D&D character, Kelvin Lightblade, felt whenever he came across a treasure hoard. Heck, I didn’t even have to kill any dragons to get it.
Yeah, all I had to do was dive in shit, run for my life, and then get swept down a river. Note to self: next time, hope for dragons.
I tore open the luggage, hoping for a few simple items that might be useful. I didn’t need anything fancy. Besides which, showing up at camp all decked out in the regal finery of recently deceased diplomats might look a wee bit suspicious. I didn’t relish the thought of Alex kicking my ass if that happened.
Oh, yeah, Alex. He would want to know about this.
Of course, I had no idea how. For starters, I didn’t know if he was even still alive, much less where he was. Secondly, what was I going to tell him?
Hey, Alex, I found the negotiators.
Where?
Uh ... somewhere in the forest.
Oh, well, I’d cross that bridge when and if it became important. For now, I lucked out. I found a couple of coats and a few heavy sweatshirts. I stripped out of my still wet (and freezing, let's not forget that) clothing and put them on. They fit me okay, but Sally would be swimming in them. Oh, what a shame. Sally in clothing that was practically falling off of her ... nice.
Up next was the cooler. Much like ours had been, theirs was full of pints of blood. I knew most vamps preferred it fresh. However, large as it was, there probably hadn’t been enough room in the Cat for a gaggle of human-sized snacks. Regardless, I was absolutely thrilled with the bottled stuff myself.
The Tome of Bill Series: Books 1-4 (Bill The Vampire, Scary Dead Things, The Mourning Woods, Holier Than Thou) Page 81