“Yes. We all thought it odd, especially considering what happened between Bill and their leader.”
“Yeah, you totally rocked Turd’s ass,” Tom said.
“I really don’t want anything to do with Turd’s ass, thank you very much,” I replied. “Go on, Christy.”
“Well, I’m sure they told you that today’s mood was very positive all around.” I nodded at that and she continued. “Just a little while ago, I started hearing rumors that the treaty was almost hashed out. There’s supposed to be some sort of announcement tomorrow.”
“WHAT?” Sally and I both shouted.
“Christy’s right,” Tom replied, still crunching away. “I heard them say it, too. Still freaks me out, hearing those things talk. Gives me Planet of the Apes douche-chills.”
‘Well, I guess that’s a good thing, isn’t it?” I asked, giving both Ed and Sally a meaningful glance.
Christy, unlike Tom, though, wasn’t oblivious to these things. “What am I missing?” she asked.
Crap! I really needed to learn the fine art of subtlety. Now I had a choice. I could stonewall her, which would probably be for the best, but would completely erase any goodwill we had built up. Or, I could spill my guts and try to hope she kept her mouth shut.
“Dude, what the fuck are you eating?”
Or, I could rely on a convenient save.
I turned toward the sound of Ed’s voice.
“What? It’s just that trail mix shit they keep giving us,” Tom replied.
“Does this look like trail mix to you?” Ed asked, holding out the bowl. It was full of grubs.
“Gross!” I cried out.
“What the fuck?!” Tom yelled, nearly falling out of his chair.
Ed sighed. “I was afraid something like this might happen.”
Christy stepped over to her boyfriend’s side. “Something like this? What are you talking about?”
“Tom didn’t tell you?”
“Tell me what?”
“Before we came up here, we stopped off at vampire HQ in Boston and...” Ed trailed off.
“And what?” she demanded.
“Tom got bitten by a zombie.”
“What?! Tom, why didn’t you tell me?”
Tom, looking a little green around the gills, replied, “I kind of forgot.”
“Oh, this is not good.”
“I feel fine,” he added.
“That,” she indicated the bowl of bugs still in Ed’s hand, “is not fine. One of you should have said something,” she cried.
All three of us males gave her sheepish grins back. Sally merely shrugged, as if to say she couldn’t have cared less (which probably wasn’t far from the truth).
Christy grabbed Tom’s hand and dragged him to his feet.
“What are you doing?” he asked.
“You’re coming with me,” she replied, sounding close to panic. “We can fix this. I know cleansing rituals. We’ll perform them all night if need be.” She began pulling him toward the door.
“But I feel...”
However, Christy was not to be dissuaded. She looked him straight in the eye and said, her voice indicating she was not taking no for an answer, “I will make this better, I promise ... even if I have to burn that creature out of you.”
With one last look back at us, his face now mirroring the panic on Christy’s, Tom disappeared through the door of the hut.
For a moment, silence reigned in the room. Then Ed leaned back in his chair and casually asked, “Can we get back to discussing the issue at hand now?”
“Harsh, man,” I replied. “Aren’t you worried about Tom?”
“Not particularly,” he replied with a grin.
“Why not?”
To my surprise, Sally answered for him. “It’s because he swapped bowls while everyone was listening to Sabrina there.”
“You saw that?” he asked, impressed.
“Out of the corner of my eye.”
“Why?” I asked.
“Because I figured you probably weren’t ready to spill your guts to Christy quite yet.”
“True.”
“And also because it’s fun to fuck with Tom.”
Bemused grins broke out amongst us. It soon became laughter. After the week we had been having, we all needed it. Poor Tom.
Ninja Vampire Attack!
We decided that another midday expedition was in order. Considering our near miss the previous day, I originally assumed Turd would have his whole tribe up in arms about spies. After Christy’s news, however, I thought that less likely. If there was a big announcement planned, they would hopefully be otherwise occupied.
It was a big risk either way. Still, it probably couldn’t wait. If what we heard was correct, the negotiations were close to being complete. If we didn’t act, François’s fiendish plans – whatever they were – would be set in stone. Once a treaty was signed, the only way to undo it would be an act of war. The vampires weren’t going to risk that. Hell, I wasn’t going to risk it. On the flipside, if a treaty were signed that essentially fucked us up the ass, that wouldn’t be particularly wonderful either ... especially since I had a feeling I’d somehow wind up getting blamed for it. Asshole vampires and their need for scapegoats!
Tom was still out being unzombified (and yes, it was still funny), and this time Ed wasn’t about to be dissuaded from coming along, so we all turned in early ... or late ... the whole nocturnal schedule thing still had me screwed up. Fucking Canadians with their idiotic short days.
The plan was to wake up during the daylight hours and sneak out again. Hopefully Nergui wouldn’t give us any crap about it. I’m not sure the excuse we used the day before would work with Ed around, although I guess we could always claim that we were bringing him along as a picnic lunch. Yeah, that might work.
Part one of the plan went ... well, as planned. We rose just before the sun came up, dressed for the day, and prepared to head out. As a precaution, we left a note for Tom, in case Christy ever finished zapping him. It was purposely vague to be safe, but it would hopefully clue him in, although that was sometimes a tall order with him.
Unfortunately, as with most plans I made, part one was as far as we got before fate stepped in and took a great big steaming dump all over it.
Thus, when we finally stepped outside, it was only to be met by a trio of ... ninjas?
♦ ♦ ♦
I was just beginning to wonder when I had stepped out of reality and into a Sho Kosugi film when realization hit. They (probably) weren’t real ninjas, just vamps dressed that way for daylight operations.
When they saw us emerge, they formed up ranks, blocking our way.
“Um, excuse me, guys. I need to get past,” I stammered. The good one-liners were never there when you needed them.
“I am afraid that is impossible, Freewill,” one of them replied in a French accent. “Our orders are specific.”
“Orders?”
“We are to keep you safe. It is rumored that there was an intruder seen in ze’ Sasquatch encampment. We wouldn’t want to put your life at risk at ze’ hands of those scoundrels.” Frenchy’s smarmy tone suggested no such thing. I should have figured François would have heard about our snooping and done something like this.
“Thanks, but I think we’re good. I already have a bodyguard,” I replied. Unfortunately, a quick glance beyond them confirmed that Nergui was nowhere in sight. Oh crap.
“I am afraid that Monsieur Nergui has been called away on other business,” came the response in that same irritatingly smug tone.
“Oh, enough of this shit,” Sally said, stepping in front of me. “You have no idea who you’re speaking to. If I were you assholes, I’d get out of the way before...” ZAP
There was a crackle of electricity and she went down like a ton of bricks. Ed and I were by her side immediately. I looked up from her still twitching form to see that one of the pseudo-ninjas was holding a cattle prod. A thin trail of smoke rose from it.
> “Oops,” he said with a cruel chuckle.
“I’ll give you an ‘oops,’ asshole,” Ed barked. He ran back into the hut, reappearing a second later, shotgun in hand.
“Hold it!” I quickly said. Gripping Sally with one arm, I got back to my feet, then stepped between him and our black-clad “friends.” “Let’s all relax here before someone gets hurt.”
“Someone already got hurt,” Sally growled, beginning to shake off the effects of being tased.
“You know what I mean.” Still keeping a firm hold on her – and only barely noticing that my arm just so happened to be wrapped around her oh-so-wonderful breasts – I stepped back into the hut, motioning for Ed to follow.
Only once we were back inside did I release her. She immediately rounded on me – black eyes, fangs, and all. I instinctively took a step back. Tiny as she was, Sally was not on the list of people I wanted to tangle with.
“We could’ve taken those...”
“Shhh!” I hissed at her. Then in a much lower voice, “Don’t forget they can probably hear us.”
“I don’t care,” she said. “I’m getting my gun.”
“I’m with Sally,” whispered Ed. “Three on three, and us with the boom-sticks ... I kind of like those odds.”
“I don’t care about the odds,” I replied, half-amazed to be the lone voice of reason. “But if you two open fire like this is the fucking O.K. Corral, every vamp, wizard, monster, and blob in the area is going to hear. Think about it. Even if James shows up, he’s going to have a hard time convincing everyone that we haven’t gone nuts. Best case: they kick us out of here and François wins. Worst case: they kill our asses...”
“And François still wins,” Ed finished for me, lowering his gun. “I hear you. So what then? We sit here and act like good little prisoners?”
I shook my head. “No, we can’t afford to do that. I think we should wait them out for a while, give them a false sense of security, and then try sneaking out the back.”
“There is no back.”
“This place is made of shit-covered twigs. We’ll make a back.”
“Or,” Sally said, walking past us, “we kill these fucks quietly. That’d work, too.” She went over to the table and ripped one of the legs off. She turned back toward the entrance, makeshift stake in hand.
I quickly stepped in front of her. “You need to relax.”
“No, I really don’t. I have a rule about anybody who puts a couple thousand volts through me.”
“Why doesn’t that surprise me?” I commented. “But acting hastily isn’t going to help, especially since I’m pretty sure François didn’t just put a couple of schlubs out there to babysit us. I’d be willing to bet that those guys know what they’re doing.”
“Yeah, Bill’s right,” Ed said. “Getting our asses kicked by a bunch of frogs would be kind of embarrassing.”
♦ ♦ ♦
We spent the next ten minutes arguing back and forth. Unfortunately, as tended to happen with our bickering, at times we got loud enough so that I’m sure the guards outside were more than aware of every single plan we came up with. The dickheads were probably snickering to themselves, in French no less.
I will admit that thought did make me wonder whether Sally’s plan had some merit after all. Back in college, during my freshman year, the third floor of my dorm was reserved for international students. Let me tell you, there is definitely a secret to uniting people of all races, creeds, and religions ... just add some French assholes to the mix. It didn’t matter where they came from or what they believed: Muslim, Jew, or Hindu; Chinese, Japanese, or Korean; black, white, or mixed, they could all agree on one thing: everyone hated the French students. My God, what a bunch of smug, cliquish douchebags.
I was still caught up in this reverie when I heard a noise from the entrance. The three of us turned to see a flash of light. There was a quick grunt of surprise and then two more flashes followed. I may not be the most experienced vamp, but I had seen more than my fair share of dustings to know one. I had little doubt that there were now three smarmy piles of ash lying in front of our tent.
Before we could step out to investigate, the “who” part of the equation was answered for us. A figure stepped inside. Though covered up against the sun, the mismatched eyes were a dead giveaway.
“Well, what are you all waiting for?” he asked.
“Alex?”
“Obviously,” he answered, pulling off his hood.
“What are you doing?”
“I’m pretty sure he just...”
“I know what he did, Sally. Now’s not the time.”
Alex ignored our little back and forth. “Indeed. The time for subtlety is over. François’s plans are nearing fruition. The First are counting on you, Freewill. Fulfill your destiny.”
Okay, that was a little heavy. Still, I guess he had a point. The fate of vampire-kind, heck potentially the entire world, was in the balance. I’d hate to go down in history as the dude who fucked it all up.
“And that involves what, exactly?” Ed asked.
“Whatever you were planning on doing, human. I have simply removed the obstacles in your path. We do not have time to play François’s games any longer. Unfortunately, this place is swarming with those loyal to him. They will not take kindly to the disposal of their comrades, so you need to get moving now.”
And just like that, our original plan was back on. That was convenient. It was nice having my own personal deus ex machina. I could definitely use one of those in my day to day life. Hmm, wonder if Alex would be available for hire after this whole debacle was done with.
“Are you just going to stand there daydreaming?” he asked, snapping me out of my self-important delusion.
“Sorry. Yeah, let’s get going.”
Ed still had his shotgun and this time there was no argument from me when Sally grabbed her own sidearm. That being done, I motioned for them all to follow me. Alex hesitated, though. What a surprise.
“Let me guess, you have other business to attend to?” I asked with a pained sigh.
“Sadly, yes. I am still gathering my own evidence. We will get more done if we split up.”
Ah yes, spoken just like the victims from any of a hundred different horror movies. Oh well, it’s not as if he was part of my original plan anyway.
“Fine,” I replied. “Good luck.”
“To you as well. May the luck of the First smile upon thee.”
Yeah ... okay. Personally, I’d rather they didn’t. It seems that the luck of the Draculas brings with it a flood of unwanted crap, much like giving your phone number to a telemarketer.
We all stepped out of the hut. Alex immediately took off, heading ... err ... left (it’s not like I carry a compass). Within seconds, he was gone.
“Well, that was a little weird,” Ed commented.
“There’s a vamp after my own heart,” Sally replied, kicking one of the mounds of vampire dust. “Everyone packing?”
The Tome of Bill Series: Books 1-4 (Bill The Vampire, Scary Dead Things, The Mourning Woods, Holier Than Thou) Page 84