The Tome of Bill Series: Books 1-4 (Bill The Vampire, Scary Dead Things, The Mourning Woods, Holier Than Thou)

by Rick Gualtieri

  It was in the hows where we broke down in disagreement. Gan, easily the most experienced strategist amongst us, favored a full-out frontal assault. She considered the foes ahead of us unworthy of anything more complex. Thinking back over the past year, I had to concede she maybe had a point. Compared to, say, Turd or Alexander, Remington wasn’t all that terrifying. Still, a direct assault would be the best and easiest way to get my roommates, not to mention possibly the rest of us, killed. There was also the fact that a lot of Gan’s plan seemed to revolve around me gloriously cutting through our enemies like some sort of vampiric lawnmower. She didn’t seem to grasp that I wasn’t quite the demon beast she had convinced herself I was.

  Christy wanted us to pop in then back out via her magic, but even she had to admit it was dicey. We didn’t know where or what condition Ed was in. If we weren’t quick enough, there was also the possibility of her coven sisters blocking our escape. Personally, I was discouraging that plan because I wasn’t too big on her participation to begin with.

  “When we get back to the surface, you should go home. You’ve done enough for us,” I said.

  “No way,” Christy protested. “I caused this. I’m going to fix it.”

  “We’ll bring Tom back. I promise.”

  “I’m not doubting you, Bill, but you’ll need my help.”

  “We’ll be fine, besides...”

  “Besides what? If you’re thinking I’m going to betray you...”

  “It’s not that,” I replied. “It’s just ... well, your ... condition.”

  “That’s why you want me to leave?”

  Sally and Sheila barely managed to conceal snickers.

  “What? Am I the only one thinking of this?”

  “I’m only a few weeks along, Bill. It’s not like I’m waddling around like an elephant yet.”

  “Chivalry is not dead,” Sheila commented.

  “Maybe undead,” Sally added, causing all of them to giggle (except Gan). Jeez, try to the do the right thing...

  Even Gan had to admit that Christy’s power could come in handy. We would still be outnumbered by witches, but she was fresh whereas the others had already been through hell courtesy of us and Gan’s merry bunch. I didn’t like it, but their arguments were sound.

  Great! Now I was endangering an expectant mother. Between that and punching out the old lady yesterday, all I needed was to maybe push a couple of orphans down a flight of stairs and my game of gross negligence BINGO would be complete.

  Maybe I should reconsider that course of action Sally and I had mapped out for Sheila. I should probably do it myself. Not with her, mind you. I could just pick a direction and start running. In the long term, it would almost certainly be safer for everyone. It was something to think about, although perhaps after events played out.

  At the moment, we had more pressing concerns, such as a kidnapped roommate, a psychotic friend, and a whole building full of people who wanted to kill Sheila – and wouldn’t bat an eye at wiping out the rest of us in the process. If we were able to pull this off, it would be a miracle.

  Sadly, in that regards, I found my faith a little lacking.

  Under New Management

  Sometimes the direct approach really was best. Even if it’s not the smartest way of doing things, it took a lot of the complexity out of the equation. That might not be the way dudes like Alex roll, but it helped me keep things straight. What can I say? When it came to games of strategy, I was always more of a checkers guy anyway.

  Gan mentioned that she sensed vampires up ahead in the sewer tunnels, which told us they had all of the entrances covered. It wasn’t particularly good news, but not surprising either. There was no way they were going to let us get the drop on them, especially since they were in our home court. They’d probably be expecting us to try that route anyway, take out the sentries and fight our way up – only to find ourselves surrounded. Well, fuck them. If I was going down in flames, I’d do it my own way.

  That didn’t mean we had to be complete dumbasses, though.

  After a little subterranean reconnaissance, we cautiously surfaced in an alley about half a block away from the Office. It wasn’t a particularly smart place to come up, considering how packed SoHo was even after sundown. Fortunately, it was a small enough space, with a Goodwill bin at the far end blocking our view from the street. The only ones liable to see us might be an errant wino or two. Hell, that might even be pretty damn funny – to send them off running, screaming about CHUDs surfacing in the Village. Sadly, though, there were no drunks or stoners to be found. The alley was empty.

  “Gan, care to check on your people?” I asked, hoping beyond hope that they were in the vicinity. She was a fucking nutcase, but she was on our side at the moment. I could deal with her beloved bullshit if it meant having a goon squad of assassins backing us up.

  She closed her eyes and inhaled deeply through her nose. She repeated the action three times, then sighed.

  “Well?”

  “Regrettably, they must still be occupied. I do not sense them nearby. They are not within the city limits.”

  “Maybe my sisters won,” Christy offered.

  “I think not,” Gan replied evenly. “Still, it is admirable they have managed to elude their fate for this long. They will be remembered as respected foes.”

  That didn’t sit too well with Christy, but I put a hand on her shoulder to comfort her. It served the secondary purpose of potentially stopping her if she decided it would be a good time to vaporize Gan. At the very least, I preferred she wait until the bullshit ahead of us was finished. After that, she could have fun blasting away for all I cared.

  “Okay, let’s all calm down here. We need to focus,” I said, trying to be the voice of reason amongst this motley crew. “We’re here to save Ed and Tom.”

  “What if your friend does not wish to be saved?” Gan asked.

  “He doesn’t get a vote. That’s my call. If need be, we might have to neutralize him, but that's it.” Heh, I sounded like a character straight out of a Tom Clancy novel.

  “Snapping his neck would neutralize him without killing him,” Gan rather unhelpfully pointed out.

  “No. He comes out in one piece. Don’t cross me on this.”

  Much to my surprise, she didn’t outright laugh at my somewhat toothless command. Instead, the terrible little tyke inclined her head and gave me a big smile. “As you wish, Freewill.”

  Gah! I was playing right into her hands by taking charge. Jesus Christ, I really was fucked no matter what I did.

  Okay, I needed to focus. The time to curl up in a little ball and whine about Gan would come later.

  “Either way, we need to remember that neither of them are Remington’s focus here. They’re just using Ed to draw Sheila out. The Icon is going to be their main target. Always keep that in mind and don’t let her out of your sight.”

  Sheila raised a bemused eyebrow, and I could almost immediately feel pinpricks of sweat break out on my brow. Talk about unnecessary distractions.

  “Any problem with that?” I asked, doing my best to feign a sense of authority.

  “I can take care of myself, you know,” she said.

  “I know, but we’re not taking any chances. Trust me. Even the most straightforward dealings with vampires can turn into gigantic clusterfucks pretty damn easily.”

  “What about you, Bill?”

  “He’s used to clusterfucks,” Sally replied.

  “No, I mean I got the impression they were after him too.”

  “Not the same thing,” I said. “They’re going to want me alive as a trophy for the Draculas.”

  Sheila cocked her head to the side. “Draculas?” Goddamn, she was cute.

  “The First Coven ... our ruling body.”

  “For now,” Gan added, drawing a quizzical glance from Sally. sigh

  “Any questions?” No one responded to my mostly rhetorical inquiry. Thank goodness. I had absolutely zero answers to anything they might ask an
yway. Hell, I was barely cognizant of what day it was.

  Sheila, Gan, and Christy led the way out of the alley, weapons concealed as best they could. Despite it being my plan, I held back a few steps and motioned for Sally to do the same.

  “Not bad.” She kept her voice low so that the others, save Gan, wouldn’t be able to overhear. “You almost had me convinced you were actually in charge of things.”

  “Thanks, Sally. I need you to...”

  “Keep an eye on your girlfriend? Yeah, I garnered that.”

  “No,” I replied, much to even my own surprise. “I want you to watch out for Christy.”

  “Really? That’s new. Wasn’t too long ago you wouldn’t have shed any tears tripping over her corpse.”

  “Things change.”

  “Who’d a thought you a softie for kids?”

  I dropped my voice to a bare whisper. “I guess so ... at least ones that don’t want to marry me.”

  “I’m impressed Bill. I don’t say that often, nor am I planning to start, but I am. It probably doesn’t mean much, but just for the record, I hope things work out for your gal pal.”

  So did I.

  As we turned to follow, something cold and wet hit the back of my neck. The supernatural storm had started up again, but this time snow was falling. So intent had I been on the mission ahead, I hadn’t noticed that the temperature had dropped. Large white flakes fell all around us.

  I took a look around. “Heh, kind of reminds me of Canada.”

  “Me too,” Sally replied. “Unfortunately, we both know how that worked out.”

  ♦ ♦ ♦

  I led the way to the entrance of the building where the Office was housed. It was an active business space, home to a few legit companies – non-vampire related, of course. Past sundown, however, we mostly had the place to ourselves. Thank goodness for the rush-hour exodus. Usually we tried to be courteous neighbors, regardless. After all, despite vampires having certain back-alley deals with the authorities – stuff that kept the eyes of the law mostly turned elsewhere – there was no need to call undue attention to ourselves.

  I doubted that would be the case tonight. The Office was well insulated against sound, to muffle any errant screams that rang out, but I had a feeling that things had potential to get a whole lot noisier. I felt bad for any workaholics who decided to stay late this evening.

  I was certain there were eyes watching us from above as we entered through the front door. No doubt they were wondering what we were up to. Hell, so was I.

  Once inside, we noticed the place was deathly still. There was no security guard stationed in the lobby, a status quo Sally made sure was maintained. She once told me that in the years since the coven had rented out their floors, there had been only one attempt at burglary – an attempt which had ended very badly for the would-be thieves. She considered it her token attempt at being a good neighbor to the other tenants.

  Even so, there should have been some cleaning crews milling about at that hour. A sinking feeling hit my gut. I had a hunch that Remington and his crew hadn’t bothered to wait for the building to clear out at quitting time. That wasn’t good. Vampires had connections, but there’s simply only so much that could be covered up without questions being asked.

  I pushed it out of my mind for now. If that had happened, anyone there was long past our helping. As for the rest, well, Sally could handle any real estate issues that arose.

  Goddamn it! I paused for a moment and let this sink in. Had I really given almost no consideration to the potential lives lost in such a massacre? Was I that far gone already? Maybe Tom wasn’t so off base with his accusations. It was something to ponder once this was all over and done with.

  We considered the stairs. It was probably the far more sensible choice, but I opted for the elevator primarily because of Christy – although I kept that to myself, as she would have probably protested. Well, screw her. I had enough on my conscience as it was.

  Speaking of Christy, though, I actually found myself damn glad she was with us. I’d tried to warn her off earlier, but now realized her presence was probably the only thing keeping us from being blasted apart where we stood – her sisters’ influence upon the situation no doubt. Considering what happened in Westchester, Remington had to know he needed the witches’ help. That meant playing by their rules.

  Thankfully, we had some rules of our own to spice up their little game.

  Free For All

  The elevator dinged at our floor.

  “Show time,” I said to my three companions, hefting Ed’s shotgun. Its weight was comforting. Perhaps it was time for me to get one, assuming I didn’t manage to shoot myself first.

  Sheila drew her sword and Sally brandished her massive handgun, which she immediately pointed at Christy’s head.

  Christy chuckled nervously. “The safety’s on, isn’t it?”

  “Best not to ask questions you don’t want the answer to.”

  The elevator opened and before us stood the hall leading up to the double doors of the Office. It, too, was empty.

  “Beginning to feel unloved here,” I commented.

  “You shouldn’t,” a quiet voice whispered from the opposite side of Christy. The only person standing there happened to be the one holding a broadsword out in front of her.

  “What was that?” I asked. There’s nothing wrong with my vampire ears, but I needed to make sure my imagination wasn’t playing tricks on me.

  “Focus, Bill,” Sally hissed.

  “But...”

  “Eyes front, mind clear, mister!”

  “Yes ma’am.” Goddamn it. We needed to get this shit over with and fast. It was high time Sheila and I had a good long talk with absolutely no bullshit between us ... which of course was an easy thing to plan up until the point it actually happened.

  Oh well, maybe I’d get lucky and not survive.

  We walked up to the doors unhindered. I reached out to grasp the handle, but stopped as a little bit of inspiration hit me. Fuck it! If it was good enough for a John Woo film, it’s good enough for me.

  Putting my vampiric strength to use, I raised my foot and kicked the doors. They flew inward with the sound of wood splintering. Thank goodness. How embarrassing would that have been had they not moved?

  “Slick,” Sally commented before falling quiet again.

  A phalanx of vampires stood awaiting us on either side of the doorway. I’m not the best at reading people, especially undead killers, but I could have sworn there were at least a few nervous glances amongst their number. I could dig that.

  It wasn’t hard to imagine why. I, the Freewill – supposedly destined to lead our forces against our ancient enemies – stood on one side. Sheila, the equally legendary Icon – defender of the human race and prophesied destroyer of the Magi – guarded the other. Between us stood our prisoner, while Sally brought up the rear – her ridiculously large handgun making up for her non-legendary status. Talk about over-compensating.

  All of the office-related furniture had been removed from the room. The space before us appeared to be set up as if in anticipation of battle.

  “Son of a bitch,” Sally grumbled. She had put a lot of work into the Office, and no doubt this was more than enough to convince her that Remington needed an extreme amount of killing.

  Speaking of the devil, he stood about ten paces in front of us. Three witches, obviously the same that had visited Christy, stood to his left. Tom brandished his own firearm on the right. I’m not a gun nut, but I could have sworn it was the same one Sally had used at Sheila’s workplace. Guess Remington had been going through her stuff. No sense of privacy with some people. The pistol didn’t make as big of a hole as Sally’s favorite piece, but it had the advantage of being quick and not having enough recoil to knock someone on their ass the second they tried to fire it.

  Either way, though, that didn’t really matter. Tom was armed against us and, from the look on his face, he wasn’t averse to using it. Goddamn it. If
we got out of this alive, I was buying the fucking idiot a tinfoil hat to protect against this happening again.

  Tom's eyes filled with worry at the sight of Christy, then met mine. It was all I could do not to look away. I had never seen such a look of pure unbridled hatred on my friend’s face. Not even that time when we were in fifth grade and I accidentally stepped on his Lava Lord action figure. It practically broke my heart. Even if he was out of his fucking mind right now, I nevertheless made a promise to myself to make things right with him.

  Movement behind Remington revealed more vamps and someone else. I had little doubt who. We were there for a prisoner swap and without some prisoners the whole thing was a little pointless.

  Remington took a step forward.

  “That’s far enough.” I gulped and took a deep breath. My next words were so not me, that I wasn’t even sure I’d be able to do it with a straight face. “Another step and the witch’s brains will be decorating the walls.”

  In response to my threat, Sally pulled the slide back on her gun with a click. It was meant to send a message and it did ... even to me. I had to remind myself that she was a cool character. She had to be. One false move and Christy would have nothing but a fine red mist where her head used to be

  “You bastard!” Tom growled, raising his own weapon. I had never seen him pick up any ranged weapon more lethal than a paintball gun, so it was doubtful he’d be anywhere close to a dead shot with it. He probably had as much chance of hitting himself as he did me. Even so, I really didn’t care to test that theory.

  “Please, Tom,” Christy whimpered so realistically that I couldn’t be entirely sure she was acting. Hopefully she wouldn’t decide to hedge her bets on the side with the number advantage. She had to know that wouldn’t end well for her or Tom. Once their mission was accomplished, I wouldn’t put it past Remington to take advantage of Decker’s weakened former coven and wipe them out. Vampires weren’t at war with the mages, but one less player on the battlefield wouldn’t exactly hurt our odds.