The Tome of Bill Series: Books 1-4 (Bill The Vampire, Scary Dead Things, The Mourning Woods, Holier Than Thou)

by Rick Gualtieri

  Tom and I were in character; however, my outfit was also a bit of a necessity. It allowed me to walk around without bursting aflame in the sunlight. Things like that can really ruin a guy’s day. See, I’m a vampire – seriously. They...err...we exist.

  Being undead, a day trip was something I’d usually ixnay – especially in the three or so months since I’d been turned. Unfortunately, things had been a bit stressful for me since then and my friends had finally suggested a weekend road trip to help us all decompress a bit. Too bad we had left the planning to Tom.

  “Renaissance, population three-hundred and thirty three,” sighed Ed, repeating the words on the sign leading into this bumblefuck town. “Not including three visitors, two of whom are dressed like total doofuses, that I am assuming will not be attending a goddamned renaissance festival.” That last part was directed at Tom.

  “Okay, I admit I might have read it wrong on Google,” he said.

  “Might?!” I queried from the cramped backseat. “I’m sitting here dressed like a fucking gimp in a dipshit town where I’m sure half the residents would gladly instruct us to squeal like a pig and you might have read it wrong?”

  “Cut me some slack, Bill,” Tom replied, pulling his glue-on wizard goatee off. “I mean, seriously, who names a town Renaissance and then doesn’t host a ren-faire in it?”

  “People less stupid than you apparently,” commented Ed as he shut off the engine and opened the door.

  “Where are you going?”

  “I’ve been driving for hours. I need to stretch my legs.”

  “I could use a piss break myself,” Tom mused, peeling his costume off to reveal jeans and a t-shirt underneath.

  I mumbled something rude under my breath and then got out to join them. “Let’s get inside somewhere quick. I feel like a Luche Libre’s retard cousin.” They grinned in response, knowing damn well I couldn’t remove my outfit until after sundown. Assholes.

  Ed steered us toward what looked to be the town’s lone tavern. That worked for me. A couple of stiff drinks could make even Tom’s idiocy bearable.

  We were passing what appeared to be a rundown trading post, a sign outside proclaiming “Heriot’s Pass cavern tours. Open Daily!” – fucking tourist traps – when the front door creaked opened and a voice beckoned us from within.

  “Get in here...now!”

  Part 2: Tom

  “Where are you going, Bill? I asked as my sun-averse friend veered toward the boarded up storefront we were passing.

  “Come on. Let’s see what she wants,” he replied, heading toward the oddly open doorway of the dilapidated structure.

  “She?” asked Ed.

  “Yeah yeah, I’m hurrying,” Bill complained as he stepped inside.

  “Maybe his mask’s on too tight,” I commented, following.

  I found Bill’s undead ass standing in the middle of an empty room. Judging from the dust on the shelves, this particular shithole had been closed for some time. My more immediate concern, though, was the conversation he was having with thin air.

  “I’m pretty sure this is breaking and entering,” Ed stated as he joined us.

  “It’s cool,” Bill said, pulling off his hood. “Kymara owns this place.”

  “A Chimera owns this...” Before I could say more, the door swung shut behind us. Okay, that was a little weird. But still, after learning that one’s best friend has been turned into a vampire, one tends to up their tolerances of the strange and unusual.

  Bill responded to my unfinished question with, “No, stupid. Kymara, with a K,” as if that answered anything. “This is her store.” He then turned back toward the nothingness next to him. “Kymara, these are my friends.”

  This, of course, prompted Ed to rightly ask, “Who the fuck are you talking to?”

  “Lack of pussy has finally driven him over the edge,” I muttered.

  Bill looked at us as if we were morons. “I’m talking to her,” he said, pointing toward nothing.

  “Yeah, definite pussy deprivation. There’s nobody else here, dude.”

  “Don’t be assholes. Of course...” Bill stopped and again turned toward whatever he thought he was facing. “What? No shit?!” He blinked a few times and then addressed us. “She says she’s a ghost.”

  “A ghost,” Ed repeated. “Well okay then,” he replied with dubious tone. “I guess that explains everything.”

  Bill paused again and then added, “She says that I can see her because I’m already half in her world. The whole being dead thing, I guess.”

  “Makes as much sense as anything.” Ed gave a shrug. “So what does this...”

  “Is she hot?” I interrupted.

  “What?”

  “Is the ghost hot?”

  “Well yeah, I guess,” Bill replied. “Except for...”

  “Except for what?”

  “Nevermind,” he finished.

  “Dibs!”

  “What the fuck are you talking about?” Ed asked me.

  “I’m calling dibs.”

  “You’re calling dibs on a ghost?”

  “Sure. I’d do a ghost.”

  “You worry me, dude,” he replied.

  “Oh come on. It’d be great,” I explained. “You wouldn’t need a condom. No chance of getting a disease. And then when morning comes...*poof*...they vanish into the ether. It’s like the perfect woman.”

  There was a momentary pause as they no doubt pondered my genius, and then Bill walked around the counter. I heard him say, “Yeah, he’s always like that,” as he disappeared into the back.

  Ed and I shared a glance and then he called out, “And you’re going where exactly?”

  “The mines!” Bill yelled back. “She needs our help to...OH FUCK!”

  There came the sound of wood snapping, followed by a loud crash. I started in that direction, but Ed put his hand on my shoulder to stop me. Before I could protest, he activated the screen of his phone to light the way.

  Good idea, too. Following our wayward roommate, we found a large hole in the rotting floorboards. I didn’t know how far down it went, but in the meager light I couldn’t see the bottom.

  “Bill, are you okay?” I called down into the darkness, hoping for any reply that would tell us our friend was still alive...sorta anyway.

  Part 3: Ed

  It’s pretty hard to kill someone who’s already dead. Tom and I would have been messed up six ways to Sunday by the fall that Bill had just sustained. Fortunately, his vampire physique was able to shrug it off. Unfortunately the rest of him wasn’t able to shrug off the need to whine about it.

  “Ow! That fucking hurt,” he called up.

  “Watch that first step,” Tom, ever helpful in these situations, yelled back.

  “Screw you!”

  “At last your true feelings for me emerge.”

  “That’s enough,” I interrupted. “You two can get a room later. For now let’s get you out of there, Bill.”

  “No!” he replied. “Kymara says this is the right way. Try to find a rope to...huh, what’s that?”

  “What?”

  “She says there’s a trapdoor in the corner with a ladder leading down...Jeez, could’ve told me that sooner?!”

  As Bill continued bickering with his spectral companion, we found the door and descended downward by the light of my phone. As we did, I wondered if I was alone in feeling paranoid about what we were doing. Bill and Tom both seemed blissfully clueless as usual, but I’ve seen enough movies to be wary of following any ghost into the bowels of the Earth.

  Oh well, friends don’t abandon friends...tempting as it might be.

  After finding Bill, he directed us down a steadily descending path for almost an hour. Finally he stopped and, of course, that’s when my phone gave out. Just fucking great! Vampires can see in the dark, but Tom and I were screwed.

  Before we could complain, though, Bill gasped, “Unbelievable!”

  “What?”

  “It’s amaz...” He st
arted to reply when a flicker of light flared to life next to us. It was a torch and it had somehow self-ignited from where it hung on the wall.

  More torches lit up, illuminating a cavern some fifty feet across. The whole spontaneous ignition thing was almost certainly a bad omen, although I’ll admit it was also pretty fucking awesome to watch. But that wasn’t even the wildest part of it all.

  “Holy Tolkien’s wet dream, Batman!” Tom exclaimed. It was an understatement.

  Standing before us in the newly illuminated space was a legion of the dead, literally. Mummified corpses in full medieval battle armor stood at attention holding equally old weaponry. They were arranged in a semi-circle, all facing the far end of the cave.

  “The Guardians of the Kastanes,” Bill whispered. “Tasked with holding the accursed gates of Heriot’s Pass,” and then louder, “That’s what Kymara says anyway.”

  “Oddly fitting,” I remarked, gaping at the massive portcullis that filled the opposite end of the chamber. It was heavily fortified, yet showed signs of stress as if something had once attempted to gain entrance from the other side.

  “Check it out guys!” Tom cried from somewhere off to the side. We turned to find him swinging a sword swiped from one of the corpses. “Crush your enemies...drive them before you!”

  God, what a twit. “Chill out, Legolas...” I was going to say more, but was drowned out by a booming disembodied voice...a female voice I might add. Surprised? Neither was I.

  “FOOLS! YOUR BLOOD SHALL FREE MY MINIONS FROM THE PIT!”

  “What the hell...” Before Bill could finish, though, his entire form was enveloped in a sickly green light. “Kymara, what the fuck are...” His body started convulsing. He turned toward us and yelled, “Run! I can’t... stop... she’s... taking... ov...”

  Just as quickly as they’d started, the spasms stopped. He smiled and a voice came from his mouth that was most certainly not his. “Freedom will finally be ours,” it purred as Bill’s fangs extended. “Right after dinner.”

  “Oh shit!” Tom spat. “What do we do?”

  “Don’t ask me,” I replied as Bill stepped toward us. “You’re the one who called dibs.”

  Part 4: Back to Bill

  “Well that was disappointingly easy,” remarked Ed as we made our way back to the surface via torchlight.

  “Says you!” I griped, hobbling along. “You didn’t get a broadsword shoved through your goddamned leg. Next time, listen to me when I tell you I’m not possessed anymore!”

  “I don’t know what you’re bitching about,” said Tom. “And I quote...Only the caress of a lover’s kiss shall vanquish the darkness back to the abyss... Stupid fucking prophecy! Chosen one, my ass.”

  I glared at him in the dim light. “Let us never speak of that again.”

  “I thought it was kind of cute,” Ed quipped with a shit-eating grin.

  “Fuck you, dude. Just do me a favor and put a stake through my heart if I ever decide to follow some psycho ghost bitch to the gates of Hell again.”

  “Gladly,” Tom said as we continued our upward trek. “Although speaking of ghosts, I thought you said she was hot.”

  “Well she was.” I replied, smirking.

  “She only had half of a face!”

  “Yeah, but that half was pretty hot.”

  “Sorry, I couldn’t tell with all of the pus dripping off of it.”

  “Oh Relax. She was still better looking than your last girlfriend,” Ed said. “But then again so were those trolls that were attacking the gate.”

  Tom tried to scowl at us, but eventually just gave up and laughed. “I have to admit those things were wicked cool. But not as cool as that group of goblin berserkers that went all apeshit against them.”

  I nodded and then added, “Personally I liked when that giant snake showed up and started eating them all.”

  ♦ ♦ ♦

  We finally made it back to the ladder leading out of the mines. We climbed up and exited the store to find that the sun was still peeking over the horizon. Seemed we hadn’t been gone as long as I had thought. To avoid toasting myself, I put my cloak and executioner’s hood back on then turned to my companions. “What now?”

  “What now?!” replied Ed, incredulously. “Now we get out of this asshole town before anything else fucking happens.” With that, he started back to the car, but not before telling Tom, “That’s the last vacation you get to plan.”

  “Why? You can’t tell me you were bored.”

  “Don’t make me deck you,” I said in response as we neared the vehicle.

  I was about to say more, but stopped dead in my tracks as the sound of multiple footsteps caught my ear. “Guys, we’re not alone.”

  We turned as a group to find three large men approaching us.

  “Uh oh,” Tom sputtered. “I think we missed a few.”

  “It figures,” sighed Ed. “I knew we recited that fucking spell wrong.”

  “Stow it and get behind me,” I hissed as the brutes came closer.

  They were clearly dressed for battle. They wore heavy leather armor adorned with furs. Multi-colored war-paint was slathered on their faces in a variety of tribal symbols. Worst of all, each carried a large, nasty looking battle-axe.

  I tensed myself for action as the one in front stopped and looked me over.

  There was a pause as his eyes locked with mine and then he turned to his companions and said, “I told you this was the right place. Nobody would name a town Renaissance and then not host a Ren-faire in it.”

  THE END

  Character Interviews

  My name is Rick Gualtieri and I am privy to a secret that few mortals know; a secret which could change the face of civilization as we know it. You see, vampires, monsters, and magic all exist. There is an unbelievable underworld that exists right beneath our noses. Most of us never notice it...and if we’re lucky it never notices us back. My eyes have been opened, though. I’ve been lucky enough to have journeyed into that underworld and lived to tell the tale. One of their kind has taken me under his wing, so to speak, and allowed me to spread his story to the world so that others may know his tale.

  What follows is a series of interviews I conducted, following the events of Scary Dead Things, as I continued to research material for my other books. I have copied them here verbatim from the tapes I made of our sessions. Read them at your own risk, knowing that once you know the truth you can never unknow it. Sometimes the monsters under your bed are real.

  Session 1: A Fucked-up Interview with the Vampire

  Me: Please state your name and tell me a little bit about yourself.

  Bill: My name is Bill Ryder, William Anderson Ryder actually. Dig how my initials spell out WAR.

  Me: Does anyone actually call you that?

  Bill: Not really. But it’s still kind of cool.

  Me: If you say so. So what are you, Bill?

  Bill: Well, I’m one of the senior programmers at HotScotchGames.com. They’re an online gaming company, which is probably obvious from the name. Anyway, their best seller is Egg Cru...

  Me: Not quite what I meant.

  Bill: Oh, sorry. Not sure why you’re asking me that. Haven’t we already gone over this shit before?

  Me: Yes. But this is an interview, remember? It’s a way to clear the air about your life, et cetera.

  Bill: Okay okay. Don’t get your panties in a bunch. I’m a vampire.

  Me: A real vampire, correct?

  Bill: No, I’m just some delusional dipshit who likes to wear capes, talk in a Eurotrash accent, and dump glitter all over myself. Of course I’m a real vampire (opens mouth and extends fangs). Do these look real to you?

  Me: Quite real. So tell me a little about vampires, then. For starters, what’s it like to live forever?

  Bill: Dude, I’m twenty-five.

  Me: But you’re immortal, right?

  Bill: I guess so, but right now I’m younger than you...by a fair amount I might add.

  Me: Fine. P
erhaps that’s a question for another day. So then, what about your family and friends? Do they know you’re a vampire?

  Bill: Are you kidding? Mom and Dad freak out about enough shit as it is. My friends know, though. They’re cool with it.

  Me: Fascinating. What about any significant others?

  Bill: Well...

  Me: Are you seeing anyone?

  Bill: Sorta.

  Me: Sorta?

  Bill: Well...yeah...kinda. I’m not really sure. It’s complicated.

  Me: How so?

  Bill: She doesn’t really know we’re dating yet.

  Me: Uh huh. Maybe we should get back to vampires before we go completely off-topic.

  Bill: Oh yeah, sorry. So anyway, some of the stuff you’ve read about vampires or seen in the movies is real, but just as much of it is total bullshit.

  Me: Care to elaborate?

  Bill: Sure. On the real side is that living forever thing. There’s also the sun. If sunlight hits us we go all sparkly...as in like a Roman fucking candle. We’re talking barbeque city here. Vampires also disintegrate into ash when you kill them. Buffy, Blade, and From Dusk Til Dawn all got that part right, and as far as I’m concerned that’s about the extent of vampire-related entertainment that’s worth watching.

  Me: I kinda liked The Lost Boys.

  Bill: Aww. Did you have a poster of Rob Lowe in your bedroom growing up?

  Me: Err...anyway, getting back on track, what parts of traditional vampire lore are incorrect?

  Bill: Lots of it. For starters, forget all that shit about mirrors. If I look in a mirror you know what I see? My face staring out of it, that’s what. Then there’s garlic. Garlic is the same as with people. Some of us love it, some hate it. Personally I think some garlic salt in a glass of blood tastes pretty damn awesome. What else? Oh yeah there’s also crosses.

  Me: Crosses don’t work?