Sadly, I never saw Peter again. Bill, his brother-in-law, died of cancer six months later at the age of fifty-five. The strain of the $500,000 loan debacle had broken their relationship. Peter did not attend the funeral. The family was no longer on speaking terms. According to his sister Mary, Peter returned to the alcoholism of his distant past and left the state permanently.
THE DISEASE OF MATERIALISM
I wish Peter’s story was an exception, a single cautionary tale gleaned from years of interaction with the rich. Sadly, I see “Peters” all the time. Any sense of value tends to fade away when money is no object.
The progress of this disease may not be as rapid or evident as it was in Peter’s case, but most of the wealthy experience an elongated version of the same situation. The postscripts are often similar. The super-rich crave the passion that materialism has depleted. But without a sense of value, satisfaction remains elusive.
You can characterize money as being similar to alcohol or drugs. When it is used intermittently and in relatively conservative portions or doses, the results can be enhancing and beneficial. But as in any substance abuse, as the use becomes continual and excessive, it becomes more and more difficult to regain a personal base line. That is, it is hard to recognize the difference between “a little” and “a little more.” Before long “a lot” becomes normal, and the notion of going without becomes unacceptable, unachievable, and often terrifying.
Many people set a limit for drinking: three beers or two glasses of wine per day—that’s it! Yet, because there is no warning label on money, people of wealth continue to buy one thing after another, adding to their possessions and increasing their comfort level without regard to the effect of the constant purchasing on the peace of mind and character of the individual and the family. Materialism is very subtle and contagious. As with any disease, hosts can be affected in different ways and to varying degrees. A husband saddened with the pressures of maintenance of wealth can suddenly be on a different playing field than his own wife. The wife may accelerate her spending, activities, and interests, and before long they may hardly recognize one another. Children can be even more difficult to harness. Left unmanaged, children, even adult children, typically drink the Kool-Aid a lot faster and with less regard or even recognition of the consequences. In short, to be successful at running the gauntlet of materialism, the skill set of discipline and self-denial must be at such a self-actualized level that such a person would hardly have use for the money.
On Crystal Cove Beach in Newport Beach, California, the autumn sun is setting. A circle of friends from an inland city are huddled around a campfire with beach towels wrapped around their damp swimsuits. As they share stories and laughter, the last hour of a good day passes slowly. The ribs they barbecued earlier were burned to a crisp, but the watermelon was ice cold and dripped down their chins. Each person enjoyed every precious moment to the fullest and received a sense of value in return.
High above the beach, a single resident sits in front of a 60-inch plasma-screen television, alone in her $25-million mansion. Her window is open, and she can hear the laughter of the group below. They glance up and notice the woman as she walks out on a balcony and stands motionless, looking out over the few remaining people on the beach. “She owns the beach,” they think. “We only get to do this once a year, and she sees this paradise every day. If I only had her life.”
But they don’t understand. She no longer sees the beach. One of life’s great vistas has lost its value for her. Envying someone else’s “everyday paradise” can blind you to the value of what you yourself have achieved. She would give much to be able to appreciate a little mindless laughter, a group of good friends, and a plate of burnt ribs.
PART TWO
SOAP-OPERA FAMILY DRAMA
CHAPTER FOUR
THE MONEY-PROOF MARRIAGE
A striking young woman visited my law office for a consultation. She was dark and beguiling, with piercing blue eyes and shining dark hair. Her short, black dress paired well with black stilettos and red lipstick. Completing the vision was a small valise with an understated Prada logo.
Victoria introduced herself, held my outreached hand a little too long, and then confidently entered the conference room. She sat in the chair closest to me and elegantly crossed her long legs. She didn’t waste any time. Opening her briefcase, Victoria slid a thick 1040 tax return in my direction and asked, “How much child support can I get?”
The tax return was that of a very successful man about forty-five years of age—twenty years older than Victoria. A wealthy doctor, he had built an impressive list of real-estate holdings through wise investments. His annual income at the time hovered near $700,000. This man was also the son of a significantly wealthy family in the area.
In those days, Orange County calculated child support in a straightforward manner. Basically, an attorney would enter the incomes of each spouse into a court-approved computer program, and it spit out the average child-support ruling in a dollar amount. “In my opinion,” I responded, “the guideline indicates child support of between $10,000 and $12,000 a month until the child reaches eighteen years of age.”
Victoria changed the subject, “Do you charge for portions of an hour for office consultations or do you have a minimum of one hour?” I had hardly finished my one-sentence answer that the first consultation was free of charge when she stood, packed her papers, shook my hand, and swiftly left the office.
Exactly one year later, Victoria reappeared in my conference room. A six-week-old infant boy in a car carrier rested on the floor of the reception area. When my assistant inquired about the baby, Victoria dismissively waved her hand and said the baby would be fine by himself.
“I want to retain you,” she stated. Her demeanor was calm and contained. In a matter-of-fact tone, she challenged me, “But if you are going to be my attorney, you will have to be ruthless.” She smiled, which struck me as odd and disquieting, considering, as I assumed, she was about to divorce her husband.
As it turned out, she wasn’t requesting a divorce at all. You can’t divorce a boyfriend. I soon discovered when she had first appeared in my office, she wasn’t even pregnant. Her boyfriend was her boss. She had taken a job as his secretary, and after obtaining his tax returns she decided to make a small investment of her own. Her brief affair with the clueless doctor would land Victoria thousands of dollars in child support for eighteen years.
Her goals were quite clear. She demanded his vacation house at the beach, a brand-new Range Rover, and $15,000 a month in child support.
Months later, I heard Victoria had received every single one of her demands. Unsurprisingly, the doctor’s wife was not amused by the tryst and its repercussions. In an acrimonious divorce settlement, she demanded and received the amount of Victoria’s payoff many times over.
Doc is now living in a small apartment, working around the clock to support three children from his once-idyllic eighteen-year marriage and the love child of a one-night stand. He shouldn’t have … But he did … Now he’s done.
WEALTH AS A WEDGE
What is it about wealth that often causes marriages to fall apart? What goes wrong? What changes? Who falls out of love? Who cheats? Who gives up? Who becomes unhappy first?
The average divorce rate in our society hovers at fifty-one percent over a lifetime; more than half of people who divorce remarry at least once. The divorce rate soars among the rich to almost seventy percent, with the majority of marriage casualties happening in the second and third generations of wealth. Multiple marriages are quickly becoming the norm. And in my experience, the high rate of divorce among the super-rich does not reflect the high numbers of spouses who might as well be divorced. They remain in their marriages for the sake of convenience and preserving financial stability. Love isn’t part of the equation any longer.
Perhaps to better visualize what goes wrong in a marriage of the super-rich, or the haves, we should look at the more typical marriage. What g
oes right in a healthy marriage without wealth? What does an “ideal” day look like in a healthy family? Mom and dad go to work each day. They are both involved in caring for the children, including helping with the schooling, shopping, clothing, feeding, nurturing, teaching, and assigning and monitoring chores. Additionally, each parent has to share the upkeep on the home, weekday and weekend children’s activi-ties, providing transportation, keeping the children’s schedules, and serving as ever-present psychologists.
Typical married couples must manage their time very carefully. Much of it is spent providing for others, so there is usually little time left for enjoying life. They have to deliberately schedule activities for family fun. In a perfect world, this kind of family regularly travels to a lakeside or riverside campground to bond with each other. This family piles into the car and drives to visit extended family members for holidays. This is the family that books a third-class trip aboard the Disney Cruise Lines and talks about their adventures for years. They will probably never venture far from home—no exotic trips to desolate islands with private homes, no villas on Lake Como in Italy. But they value every moment they have together.
Too often the members of this “average” family think life is passing them by with no time for anything but working, eating, sleeping, and working again. However, from the outside it is clear this is a busy and happy family on most occasions. Of course, they struggle with the usual hard knocks of life. But because of these difficult times, family members have to interact with one another on a daily basis. In a functional family, good relationships are enhanced, and bad relationships result in confrontation and subsequent mediation. The most valuable keys to the survival and growth of such a marriage and family are the times they spend together and their dependence on one another.
What happens when we add wealth into the mix? Wealth can enable people to have more free time and opportunities. But subtle differences begin to creep in as a couple begins to accumulate wealth. Money becomes an end in itself rather than the means to an end. This couple begins to divert more and more time and thought to increasing wealth, preserving wealth, and utilizing wealth.
Developing a successful business is a difficult task, and it provides both monetary reward and a sense of personal satisfaction. The spouse who is primarily responsible for the growth of the wealth usually allows it to enter and climb up high on the family’s priority list. Spouse, children, friends, and other priorities move down to accommodate the business. As the business grows and wealth increases, ancillary opportunities arise, such as golf or fishing, business trips, and social events with business acquaintances only one spouse knows well. Because of office politics and common interests based around the business, social events may be forced or uncomfortable for the spouse who is not involved in the business. At such events, or even when the other spouse appears at the office, a sense of awkwardness can become apparent. Or employees may pay special attention to the boss’s husband or wife without building any real relationships. At home, conversation is often business centered.
Cracks appear in the marriage. Family members fail to spend time with one another and to pay attention to each others’ needs in favor of the acquisition of wealth. When spouses spend more time immersing themselves in the trappings of wealth rather than in each other, they “grow apart.” Relationships become stagnant, underappreciated, and ultimately strained.
In truth, wealth should not be a priority; it is best seen as a facilitator. Money should enable us to concentrate on the true priorities. Properly utilized, wealth can allow you to maintain your essential priorities—especially your family—and to add others to the list, such as friends, charity and volunteer work, philanthropy, and more.
As families move from rich to wealthy to super-rich, the issue of control begins to rear its ugly head. A business can and should be tightly controlled. Employees either do what they are directed to do or they are terminated. Everyone treats the boss more or less like a king or queen. Not so with a spouse. He or she does not see or treat the person in the same way. What began as an equal partnership will dissolve if one spouse tries to exert control over the other. Firing a spouse requires a very expensive lawyer and about half the value of everything you own.
Also, acquiring wealth of the magnitude I am talking about usually takes most of a lifetime. Often such divorces come after thirty or forty years and a fistful of children. They are very complicated and extremely painful for everyone involved.
SHIFTING SANDS
Wealth is a subtle mistress. It smoothes out the rough spots in life, opens doors to previously unattainable opportunities, and provides you with comforts … yet all the while it is undermining your relationships.
Allow me to use a crude metaphor for a moment. Wealth can be like snorting cocaine. It seems fun and exciting at first; the rush is addictive. But eventually you can’t recognize when you are high; you become aware of the drug only when you don’t have it. Each time, you need a little more to feel the same ecstasy.
Al Pacino’s character, Tony Montana, in the movie Scarface starts out dirt poor. His initial desire is to obtain respect from others, so he begins dealing drugs. As he terrorizes everyone around him, he becomes more and more successful. But then he begins to want the same lifestyle as the wealthy drug dealers in his circle. He buys the fancy home, the expensive cars, the beautiful girlfriend, and the entourage. In the end, the movie strikes a metaphorical high note when Tony begins to use cocaine because nothing ever satisfies his inner hunger. The cocaine that has made him rich becomes his executioner. In one final binge, he pours a pile of cocaine on his desk and buries his whole head in it in order to fill his nostrils and lungs with the drug. He has found no value in all of his acquisitions, and life has lost its meaning.
The super-rich become addicted to the possession of more and more. With each material gain they are disappointed because they perceive less and less value.
As people acquire wealth, they can become addicted to the “rush” of acquisition and luxury. Plus, many become surrounded by a crowd of people who are always pursuing more, bigger, and better—carrying them along in the sprint toward the same. New friends suggest extravagant trips, outings, and events, and spouses are often swept along without choosing to be, or they are left behind.
Unfortunately, each time spouses let go of the support and memories they have built together, they lose familiarity with themselves. Longtime spouses have traveled through life together; they know each other intimately and accept each other in spite of their flaws. New friends or associates only know people by what they appear to be. This shifting sand of identity quickly buries integrity and character.
As spouses let go of the old and put on the new, it is only a matter of time before the oven of life bakes a new set of personalities. Many of these couples begin to fight, perhaps because the spouse is the only person left who still knows who the other one used to be. Each begins a new life apart from the other, and before long they don’t recognize each other.
MAINTAINING A MARRIAGE
How do some typical marriages avoid these pitfalls?
At the end of the day, many people go home to their spouses and families. They may not be perfect, but they are generally there. They show up! They share their love through the hard times when life is ugly and painful. They also rejoice when life is good. Together, couples make do with what they have.
Our spouses can be a source of perpetual energy, turmoil, and joy. When you wake up at night and see your spouse sleeping next to you, what do you see? Has she stood by you for a long time? Has he done his best to provide you with a worthwhile life? Has he or she worried about the welfare, care, and health of your kids? Has he or she made you feel like you deserve to be alive and loved?
If so, you are truly wealthy in the ways that really matter. Don’t be too concerned about the people with the $500 down pillows. They may look across the bed and see someone they don’t recognize.
CHAPTER FIVE
CHI
LDREN OF ENTITLEMENT
Most parents dream their children will have better lives than they did. In recent generations, “a better life” has become defined by financial stability. What a narrow definition! What about the development of strong character, integrity, a good work ethic, and healthy relationships?
It’s ironic that the rich hope to help their children avoid the same toil that gave them so much satisfaction. When Michelangelo was asked how he had envisioned his masterpiece David within a giant hunk of marble, he responded, “David was inside the rock all along. My only job was to remove the unnecessary rock from around him so he could escape.” Too many rich parents fear the pain that will come when they remove the rock around their children, so they never allow them to escape and become “works of art” as adults.
Make no mistake; the development of “children of entitlement” is almost exclusively the fault of the parents. In the name of protecting their children, parents create a disconnect between the “safe” or “ideal” world in which their children live and the real world. Wheat cannot grow without winnowing away the chaff, corn cannot be harvested until the stalk is cut, and a healthy adult will not mature without exposure to difficulty and pain.
Wealthy parents usually don’t notice how easy it is for their children to have everything they desire and do whatever they want. Children don’t have a built-in warning light. They have no foundation from which to understand that such behavior will cause them to take their privileges for granted. Any sense of appreciation or gratitude falls by the wayside in favor of the belief that they are entitled to or are supposed to have everything they want. Because no earning takes place between acquisitions, purchasing a new car or house feels equivalent to obtaining a new bicycle. Value never enters the equation. Consequently, there is a “richness” missing from the lives of these children. Perhaps the only way to savor the richness of life is to experience being poor.
Fables of Fortune Page 4