by Jill Cooper
Fro-yo. I sit on the back of the sofa and grin as if it’s Christmas. “I’d love that.”
“He’ll pick you up from school then. I’ll let him know. See, I can talk to him like we’re adults.”
Pain registers on her face again and I feel like a heel. “Mom, about last night…”
“Don’t.” Mom sits beside me and pats my knee. “It was late, you had a bad night. Bad few days. I know how upset those hearings make you.”
“I shouldn’t take it out on you. I’m sorry.”
Mom’s lips draw together in a straight line and she plays with my curls. “One day it’ll get easier. But what you said, part of it was true. I’m not perfect. I know that, but I’m trying. We’re all trying. Knowing that our lives were so different before? It’s not easy for any of us.”
“Things aren’t easy, but I’m glad you’re here, Mom.” I hug her. It wasn’t always so easy for me to say what I feel, but it’s getting easier. I’m getting used to having a mother.
She squeezes me tight with a pat of her hand on my back. “I need to get to work, but tonight we can do something fun. Monopoly?”
The twin’s favorite game. I nod. “Sure. What’s a little more insult to injury.”
“Lara…” Mom’s voice warns.
“What? It’s not my fault that Mikey is a property shark.” I stand too fast and a sharp stabbing pain hits the front lobe of my skull. I try to mask it with a quick squint, but Mom grabs my arm and I sit back down without meaning to.
“Maybe you should stay home today. I’ll call your dad and he can come over…”
“No.” I rub my skull and breathe a sigh of relief as the pain lifts like a cold day’s morning fog. “It’s gone. I feel better. I should go to school. Donovan will be here soon.”
Mom is silent and I know she thinks I’m making the wrong choice. But I pick up my backpack and swing it over my shoulder.
“Everything will be fine, Lara. It’ll work out. Soon you’ll be graduated from high school. You’ll be able to go anywhere you want. Do anything you want.”
“Do you really believe that?” I ask in a low voice and I can’t bring myself to look at her. “Do you really think the government will let me go?”
She doesn’t answer. Instead, she just hugs me and kisses the top of my head. I’m glad to have her. I’m happy to know my mom but was it worth all the sacrifice? Was it worth everything else?
I don’t know the answer to that question. For now, I enjoy being in her arms, her smell, and just having a mom.
Before Donovan gets there, Mom is gone. Off to the research lab where she works in Boston as a mere technician. It’s been hard for her, humbling, but I’m glad she’s out of Rewind and not rotting away in prison for breaking the law and for ethical violations.
Stepping outside, I trot down the steps and enjoy a gust of a springtime wind. Outside everything smells fresh and new, like a morning rain.
Donovan’s Porsche pulls up with the top down. He’s in his favorite yellow polo and sunglasses. No matter what we’re going through, he always manages to look so cool. I wish I could be like that; he makes everything look so effortless.
I pull myself into the car and into his arms. One hand is still on the steering wheel as his other, goes against my neck to pull me in for a kiss.
Such a little thing like our lips touching is enough to lift the weight of depression from my heart. I lean against him as the car idles and pull the sunglasses from his face. His bright eyes are just what I need to perk me up. “There they are.”
He gives me a quizzical scowl.
“My favorite baby blues.”
Donovan grins. “At least someone still likes me.”
My heart is pelted with pain. All my drama is so public, on display, but Donovan’s is so much more muted. Doesn’t mean it’s not real. He’s lost his Mom and his home. Most of the guys he palled around with don’t bother with him anymore.
Sure, I’m the one who is government owned but doesn’t mean Donovan’s struggles are any less painful than mine. I stroke the back of his head and we hold each other, enjoying the silence and the comfort. But it can’t last forever; eventually Donovan breaks the silence with a murmur against my cheek. “Rough night?”
“The roughest,” I admit. “Weird dreams. Headaches. How much longer can I hold it together?”
“As long as you have to, Montgomery. Don’t turn into a defeatist on me. We’ll figure it out.”
The determination in his eye gives me a strength I didn’t have before. “I thought we’d ride off into the sunset. However much longer we have together, months, years, decades, I thought at least we’d be happy.”
“So we’ll be happy here. Now. We’ll make it work, no matter where we are. Don’t count us out yet, Lara. Promise me.” Donovan studies my eyes and I drown in his. “Promise me.” His voice is softer, urging.
“I promise.” One last time I fold into him before it’s time to drive away.
Can’t be late for school. There are classes to attend and tests to take. It feels so stupid, so mundane after everything, but it’s normal. I’ve been striving for normal.
But can you really go back? Can you really be normal again?
For me, the answer is always the same. No.
****
Out of everything, I’ve gone through; being in school makes me feel the most detached. The jocks talking about the big game. The girls fawning over the latest fashions. The emmo kids doing their best not to care about anything except the color black. Everything that is unimportant is important.
I’m not the same girl I once was. I’m not the rough and poor Lara Crane who was desperate to be accepted. And I’m not Lara Montgomery, the trendy rich girl with all the latest clothes, purses, and the exceptional boyfriend.
I’m stuck in the middle, between them but neither. I’m worried about what happens if time travel becomes unregulated and how that will corrupt the government. . It makes fashion and all the rest, not matter so much. Studying is nearly impossible and caring about grades? I can only care because my parents ride me.
They try to make everything normal, but nothing is.
Donovan and I walk the halls hand in hand. We’re surrounded by the pretty girls. Perfect hair, makeup, and I practically just rolled out of bed. In my skinny jeans and form fitted shirt, I look okay but I paired it with an old battered hoodie. I’m in sneakers instead of boots because of my nightmares and the only makeup I’m wearing is lip-gloss.
Not because I want to, but I want to put on a façade. Pretend I’m normal. Pretend everything is okay when nothing is.
I want to fade. Hide.
As I turn to my locker, I can tell by the way Donovan leans against it and studies me that he knows. His eyes are always undressing my layers. I love how well he knows me, supports me, but sometimes I wish I could hide. Even from him.
I’m desperate to be away from the prying eyes. All of them. Yet everywhere I go, there they are. Old friends, teachers, police, government.
Everywhere.
“What’s going on in that brain of yours?” Donovan asks.
“You deserve better.” When I say it, he shakes his head. “You do. I’m barely holding myself together. I’m rumpled and a mess. You could have any girl in school you want.”
“You’re the only one I want, Montgomery.” Donovan takes me by the waist and pulls me in. “I thought you knew that.”
I kiss him because I can’t help myself. He’s my safe haven. “Doesn’t mean you should. No one deserves all this baggage.”
“Far as baggage goes, yours is pretty cute. And not your fault.” His eyes are level. Studious. “What happened to you, what that monster Rex did to you; none of it is your fault.”
Except time travel is my fault. Everything that led me to Rex and Rewind, I put into action. I just couldn’t see where it would lead me. That’s exactly what I fear is I happening to the government and Rewind right now; they have no idea where this will lead.
But instead of saying all that, we kiss until the bell rings. Hand in hand, we walk toward our science class.
Maybe I don’t deserve Donovan James, but I’m proud to hold onto to him.
To have him, even if everyone around us at school thinks we’re a pair of freaks.
*****
Donovan walks me to my next class. Under one arm, he carries my books, and the other drapes around my shoulders. I might be the freak on the news that no one wants to socialize with, but when I’m with him, it doesn’t matter.
He doesn’t ask why I’ve been so quiet or what I’m thinking about. Instead, as the bell rings he kisses my nose. “I’ll call you tonight after you get back from your fro-yo date with Jax.”
“I look forward to it.” Why can’t I remember mentioning it to him? When did I tell him I was seeing Jax? At lunch? In the car?
“Not as much as I am.” He takes my hand and kisses it. A real gentleman, but I can’t stop worrying as I slink inside the room.
I take my seat and find a pencil at the bottom of my bag. I should just ask Donovan when I told him, but I don’t want to worry him. If he thought, there was one more thing wrong with me maybe that would be the straw that broke the camel’s back. And I like Donovan just the way he is. Strong. Protective.
Mine.
But none of that stops the pain from coming. I can feel it racing in like an out of control car colliding with my brain. I squint and grip the edge of my desk as I ride the wave. But it’s more like a tsunami. A raging storm I can’t hide from.
My vision goes black, and then shining lights of color interrupt the darkness.
There are no voices. No sounds. It’s just me in this black hole of space until suddenly it’s gone. It zips closed and it’s as if my mind travels at warp speed, slamming back into my body.
Only I’m no longer in the classroom.
I’m in a car.
6: Present: Lara
There’s a towering bowl of frozen yogurt in my hand, covered in a mountain of sprinkles and enough candy to give Willy Wonka a toothache. Beside me Jax drives, his hand relaxed on the steering wheel, but I shouldn’t be here.
I should still be in school.
“This detective,” Jax starts, as if a silence has been lingering between us, “you think he means trouble?”
I told him about the detective? I can’t remember anything that’s happened between now and school. “I don’t know. It’s just a dream, right?” I squint, and with a deep scowl, stare out the window.
Thanks to the never-ending construction work, we’re stuck in bumper-to-bumper traffic on Mass Ave, heading into Cambridge. Back in the old days, before I became a time traveler, Dad, used to call spring ‘construction season’.
“Right. Sure.” Jax’s voice is unsure as he leans his elbow on the door. “You sure it was just a dream? Maybe it has…listen, you said you dreamt of Rex, right?”
Rex. The pink elephant in the room.
“It was just a dream. But what I did…” my voice trails off. I can’t bring myself to say ‘I killed Rex’ even if it was true. Even if the weasel deserved it.
“What you had to do.” Jax takes his eyes off the road for a minute to look at me. Rex was his brother, but Jax is the only one who knows for certain what I did. He was the only one I could bring myself to tell.
Because after everything he did, I knew he wouldn’t judge me. He’d understand.
He’d keep my secret and bring it with him to his grave. I just hoped that was no day soon. I don’t want to lose anything or anyone else.
“My brother was no saint. He would have been the first to admit it. You did what you did for you. For this family. I just wish…” Jax sighs. “I should have been the one strong enough to do it.”
I can’t fathom that. I shake my head. “He was your brother. You think someday twenty years in the future I could do that to Mike? Molly?” There’s no way. I don’t even want to think about it so I slam a bunch of freezing fro-yo in my mouth.
“You somehow always know how to make your old stepdad feel good. Even when nothing is going right.”
“We’re family.”
He squeezes my fingers when I say it. Maybe I shouldn’t, but I feel better. It’s nice to be able to tell someone the whole truth and nothing but. Jax isn’t my dad, but I’ve always been able to tell him stuff, even when things were tough. I think Donovan would understand, but I’m not sure. I’ve asked so much of him already and he’s lost so much. I can’t ask him to carry any more burdens.
This one is all on me.
Jax hits the brakes as some construction workers cut us off, carrying a large pane of glass. “Geesh, I could have hit those guys.”
The two men in orange hard hats stop to look hard at us but I barely notice. There’s something else I want to say. Fear creeps into my face and voice. “I think I’m losing time.”
Jax startles and then blinks his eyes rapidly. He turns on his signal light and turns down into an alley so we can talk. It’s not far from Tower of Records where this all started.
Where Mom was murdered, where I saved her life and took her place. Where I changed everything and brought us into this world, this future where everything is so uncertain.
Jax turns and his arm is thrown over the back of my seat. “What’s the matter, Lara?”
I take a lingering breath to prepare myself. “It started this morning. Donovan knew things I couldn’t remember telling him and just a few minutes ago, I was sitting in class and now suddenly, I’m here with you.”
“You don’t remember me picking you up? Everything we talked about at Orange Leaf?”
I shake my head no, watching as his face darkens with worry. It increases my worry because Jax is supposed to be in control all the time. He always keeps it together, for ten years he went about life pretending to be happy and go lucky, meanwhile carrying the huge burden of trying to keep Mom alive. I know I should blame him for Dad being in prison for the last decade, but I can’t.
“You think Rewind did something to you? You said they fitted you with something. Do you think it’s messing with you?”
I stroke the back of my neck and feel the protruding little lobe. “Maybe.”
Jax’s chest puffs up with anger. “I’ll take you home and then I’ll head there, get answers.”
My eyes widen with fear. That’s the last thing I want him to do. “You’re forbidden from going there. A hundred feet, Jax.” My eyes widen because I’ve seen this look on his face before. He doesn’t care. Jax is going to go there and protect me like he’s Papa Bear, but he can’t. It would be a violation of his agreement and then he would end up in jail.
“Your immunity agreement—.”
“Means nothing, if I can’t keep you safe.” Jax sits front and squeezes the steering wheel tight in his hands. “I’ve wanted nothing but to keep you safe and if I can’t do that…”
“I need you out of jail. Let me find another way.” He doesn’t look at me. Only at the steering wheel, but from his deep breathing and how hard his jaw clenches, I know Jax is going to a scary place. One I might not be able to follow him to.
“Dad,” I whisper out of desperation and squeeze his arm. I don’t get to call him Dad much anymore. Not with my real dad around. It feels weird and out of place. I think about how much it would hurt my real dad to hear it, but I rarely ever stop to think about how much it must have hurt Jax for me to give it up.
He just took a step back, because I needed him to.
Something releases and he looks at me. He strokes my cheek and I take a deep relaxing breath. “Okay, pumpkin.” Jax whispers. “I won’t go there. But we are going to find out what’s going on.”
“How?” Through my peripheral vision, I see a dark coat approaching the car. “Someone’s coming.”
Jax turns as the driver side door pulls open. “Can I help—?”
Pop
It happens so fast, I don’t see what’s happened, but I know the sound of a gunshot when I he
ar one. I’ve had a lot of experience with them.
I’m sprayed with Jax’s blood as he slumps forward toward the steering wheel. Thunderous footsteps charge away from the car and I scream, dropping my melted fro-yo from my hand so I can grab Jax by the shoulder.
“Dad!” I scream. My heart pounds and my blood pressure goes through the roof. My vision starts to darken, but I can still make out Jax’s motionless features. His frozen eyes.
He’s gone. Dead.
But I don’t believe it. I won’t. I tear through my purse looking for a phone, but I can’t make anything out. My vision is fading.
I’m going to pass out.
“No,” I whisper. I struggle to hold on. The only thing I can feel is how cold my foot is, covered in a river of frozen yogurt like melted dreams. A young girl’s favorite thing to do with her step dad and now it’s washing away.
Everything is.
****
“Lara, the test has started.”
I start and my eyelids flip open. I’m in my classroom and everyone is staring at me. “What?” How can any of this be? I’d just watched Jax get murdered so what gave me the right to take a history test?
Glancing at the clock, I see it’s just past lunch and I’m in the same clothes I was wearing in the car. Class has just started. “Sorry,” I mumble and pick up my pencil. Some kids snort and others roll their eyes. I used to be Lara Montgomery trendsetter, but now I’m just the punch line in a series of really lame time travel jokes.
As I flip over my paper, I realize my foot is throbbing cold; there is a small splatter of frozen yogurt on my toes.
My heart skips a beat and my breath lodges in my throat.
I haven’t been losing time. I’ve been moving forward in time without meaning to. And if I can’t stop it, in a few hours my step dad, Jax will be murdered.
That means I have to get out of here.