Alien Exchange Program

by Robert Lubrican

  Unless you have proof that the same thing happened to you.

  But then you'd be just like my niece and nephew, and wouldn't be all that hot for all those government scientists to whisk you away to Area 51 or wherever, lock you up, and study you for the rest of your life.

  Anyway, more happened after that, of course, so I'll just sum that up and then put this baby out where people can see it and try to be prepared, in case any bright lights surround them and they wake up in the wrong body. There might be a way to reverse it.

  A point about that, by the way. We never really did figure out whether it was the fact they were twins, and the kind of bond that creates between two people, or whether it was because they loved each other so much that they found a way for their psyches to intertwine, and undo whatever it was that had been done to them. In other words, we still don't understand how they got that way, or why what they did got them undone.

  From our perspective, that isn't important. I suppose if it happens to you, it would be very important. But you'll have to figure that out on your own.

  Now, on to the update.

  The kids stayed three more days. That was one part trying to extend playing hooky, one part spending as much time in bed as they could, in case their parents didn't buy into the new master plan, and one part finding out whether or not they could stand living and working with me, in case their parents didn't buy into the new master plan.

  The master plan was to "give the aliens what they wanted.” That is, to continue acting like a breeding pair, while the aliens watched with interest. Of course precautions would be taken to prevent the actual breeding part, and it was hoped that, eventually, the aliens would come to the conclusion that this particular breeding pair wasn't viable, or at least not very fertile, and go off and abduct somebody else.

  Did I believe in the aliens? I have a tendency to teeter back and forth on that issue. I don't have a better theory as to what could rip the mind from one person and put it into another. That's pretty advanced technology. And I don't think it happened naturally, through some desire on the part of the twins to find out what it might be like to be in their opposite's body. And even if there was some curiosity there, it was neither stated, nor anywhere near strong enough to just happen. After all, it took a mutual orgasm to undo it.

  So, could there be aliens involved? Sure, I guess so. Ironically, if there really were aliens, they probably screwed up. By that, I mean I doubt they switched the kids' identities intentionally. Why would they do that? What would that teach them?

  If there were aliens, did they stick around and "make" the kids fall in love with each other to the point that they would, in the face of known, strong taboo, have messy, dangerous sex?

  That I doubt. I mean if you come all that way, you're going to want to get the information you came for and then leave, or at least pull back and analyze the data you collected, so you could decide whether to conquer this world or not. And we haven't been conquered.

  Then again, if they judged the whole planet based on what they found in the minds of two eighteen-year-olds, it probably terrified them and they took off as quickly as they could. That might be why things got put back together too hastily. They wanted to haul ass out of this sector of the universe post haste. There's way too much aggression in the psyche of a teenager for any alien consciousness to be able to take easily.

  So, what do I think happened?

  I think two kids fell in love with each other under extraordinary circumstances. Three, actually. I have to include Sherry. She's part of the family now.

  When it came to communicating the master plan to Frannie and Jack, I felt it was important enough for me to be with them when they posed it to Fran and Jack, to get somebody to watch the place for a couple of days. I expected to have to sell it, but it was pretty easy, all things considered.

  "The way I figure it, if they're watching the kids, they're going to expect to see more of that behavior," I said. "And if they don't see it, they might pull them up into the mother ship to examine again."

  Fran's eyes got large.

  "You mean let them keep doing it?!"

  "It will only appear as if they're doing it," I said. "They'll go through the motions, using protection, of course. It will look like they are breeding, but they won't be."

  "Protection," said Jack. If I was this girl's father, I'd have been overly interested in that aspect of things too.

  "Condoms," I said.

  "Why not put her on the birth control pill?" asked Fran.

  "You could, but that raises a question."

  "What question?" asked Fran.

  "Well, we don't know if, when this whole thing happened, they got taken somewhere or not. Like to a mother ship or whatever. If they were, then 'they' might have some kind of record of their body chemistry," I said. "If they can track that kind of thing, they might notice whether her fertility changes. And, like I said, the last thing we want is for them to get pulled up for another look ... a tune up of sorts."

  Fran shuddered, and then frowned.

  "What if they know about condoms?"

  "I guess that's a chance we'll have to take," I said. "I doubt they can see through walls."

  Frannie looked at her children, who had been sitting still as mice off to one side.

  "Can you two stand doing that?" she asked, with a worried expression.

  They looked at each other, holding it for a few seconds. Carly nodded first, and then Craig right after her. They turned back to their parents. Carly spoke first.

  "If it will keep them from abducting us again." She blushed. "What happened between Craig and me wasn't ... horrible," she said, her eyes darting around. "I mean it wasn't like anything else I've ever done. I guess as long as nobody finds out ... I guess it would be okay with me."

  They looked at Craig. We had talked about this, and my own reaction to their story had caused us to suspect that some measure of ... shall we say "acceptance" ... would be expected by Jack.

  "Um ... I didn't mind it at all," he said, forcing a blush. "As long as nobody finds out," he added in a rush. I could see his father's eyes take that all in and the man relaxed. That was something he could understand.

  Fran, ever the pragmatist, said something that nobody was ready for.

  "It won't be the same as it was the first time," she said. "You need to prepare for that."

  She got blank looks.

  "Well," she said, somewhat exasperatedly, "the first time you started out in each other's body. Now it will all be reversed." She looked at her son. "You will have to be very gentle with her," she said. She looked at Carly. "And you need to be prepared ... physically," she blushed and then went on, "or it will be very uncomfortable."

  "How?" asked Carly, who was so astounded that it just popped out. It was the right thing for a virgin - or almost virgin - to say.

  "It's called foreplay," said Fran, weakly. "Do you know about foreplay?"

  "You mean making out?" asked Craig. These kids were brilliant.

  "Something like that," said Fran, who looked at Jack. He coughed and looked away.

  "We can give you some pointers," said Fran, stoutly.

  "Okay," said the twins, putting on a look of discomfort.

  "I can get you some KY Jelly," said Fran. Her eyes went round and she slapped a hand over her mouth.

  "It's all right, Darling," said Jack, patting her on the back. "I know this is hard, but you're doing a wonderful job."

  "KY Jelly?" asked Carly, who knew perfectly well what it was, but was, I think, having fun milking this whole thing. Her parents had not turned down Plan A without discussion. In fact, it looked as if it had already been adopted, by consensus, if not a vote. Now she was simply breaking things down to make them seem as normal as possible.

  "It's a lubricant," said Jack, who was still patting my sister on her back.

  "Oh!" said Carly. "We need a lubricant? Okay. I guess that makes sense. I never thought of that."

  "I would hope
not," whispered Fran through her fingers.

  "How often do we have to do this?" asked Craig, making it sound as if it were a chore he wasn't eager to get to.

  "If they've been watching Earth for a while, they might know that this behavior, between mating pairs, is done pretty frequently," I said, in my most scholarly voice. I left it at that.

  "What if they can see through the ceiling?" asked Carly, looking alarmed. "They'll know we've been in the same bedroom, and if we go back to the old way, they'll be able to see that too."

  I shot her a warning look. She was getting greedy.

  "Well that's easy," said Jack. "They can just keep sharing a room."

  "Dad!" complained Craig. "Her room is pink!"

  "If they can see through the roof, it doesn't matter whose room you sleep in," said Jack. "Sleep in yours one night and hers another."

  "Oh," said Craig, as if that was something he'd never thought of. "Sure. That's a good idea."

  "There's just one more thing," said Fran, dropping her hand.

  "What?" I asked.

  "Well, it's possible that she's not pregnant. Assuming that's true (she had a yearning look on her face that made me feel downright guilty,) what happens when she doesn't get pregnant?"

  I looked around the room.

  "Then we have to hope they lose interest and go on to someone else. Who knows how many other breeding pairs they have created to study? Surely they didn't stop with just one. If they do research like we do research, they'll expect some pairs to fail."

  "I have another question," said Carly.

  "Yes?"

  "How long do we have to pretend to do this?"

  I shrugged.

  "I'd think that if you kept it up until you graduate, and nothing else happens, that should be enough. If they've been watching Earth, they know that people go to college, and move around and all that. I'd think if you can make it to graduation, you're home free."

  "Go all year ... having sex with my brother? What am I going to do for dates?" asked Carly, her tone surly. This hadn't been in the script either, and I shot her another warning look.

  "You're certainly not suggesting that you be allowed to have sex with whoever you date!" Fran's voice was strident.

  "Of course not," said Carly, trying to look shocked. "But I'd like to go on dates."

  "That makes sense," said Jack. "I mean people will expect them to go on dates. And to dances and the like. They can't do that together. People would think it odd."

  "I've been thinking about asking Sherry if she'll be my girlfriend," said Craig. "I mean she understands what's happened to me ... to us ... and I kind of like her."

  "That's a wonderful idea," said Fran. "Sherry's a lovely girl."

  "I don't want a boyfriend," said Carly. "I just want to be able to go out and have fun with cute guys."

  "As long as you don't have sex," her mother reminded her.

  "Well it sounds like I'll have all the sex I could possibly want from him," said Carly, sounding disgruntled.

  "You don't have to do this, Darling," said Fran.

  "Oh, don't get me wrong. I will. I'd much rather endure that than be examined, or poked and prodded by those aliens again. But that doesn't mean I have to like it. And I certainly don't want them sticking me back in his ugly body!"

  "That will be enough of that!" snapped Fran. "Your brother is a handsome young man. And he loves you. You should be thankful you have a brother who loves you enough to keep you out of the clutches of those awful beings."

  "I'm sorry," said Carly, contritely. "I understand."

  She leaned over to give Craig a kiss on the cheek.

  "I guess we can start tonight," she said. "In case they're watching."

  *****

  That was it. To avoid a possible issue when they found out Craig already had a supply of condoms, I mentioned that I'd bought some, just in case my plan was adopted. I smirked and said if it hadn't, there was this cute little cashier at the store in town I hoped to be able to use them with. Fran barked at me for being crass, and setting a bad example for my niece and nephew. If only she knew.

  As far as the parents were concerned, the problem had been resolved, or at least a plan to resolve things had been put in motion. Finally, they could go back to being a normal family. Or mostly normal family. You know what I mean.

  The only other bump in the road was finding a way for Sherry to "find out" that her boyfriend was being intimate with her best friend. They handled that by the simple expediency of arranging for her to walk in on them in flagrante delicto, while Carly was riding him cowboy style. That was to make it clear that Carly was a willing participant, and that her boyfriend wasn't forcing his attentions on her best friend.

  I hear she did a masterful job of blowing up, and that it was Fran who took her aside and "convinced" her that this was a very important requirement for their continued safety. I also heard that Sherry complained that she didn't get to do that with him, to which Fran replied that, if she promised to hold all this information in secret, after they graduated, they could do anything they pleased.

  Sherry came for sleepovers throughout the rest of the year, and Craig always slept in his own room on those nights. He didn't stay in his own room all night, but he slept there.

  Nobody had any babies, which I am sure was part of why Jack and Fran got comfortable with things after a while. They'd had a huge secret to prevent the world from finding out before this, and now this one must have seemed like a very small secret to keep.

  And then the twins (and Sherry) graduated and, after a summer that I am quite positive involved lots and lots of teenage sex, they went off to college together.

  How do I know there was lots and lots of teenage sex that summer? Easy. Since Jack had had a vasectomy, and in that small town everybody knew it, he couldn't very well go into the store and buy box after box of condoms. So I got them by the case and mailed them to them. Which is how I know how many condoms Craig went through that summer.

  He was a healthy boy. And both girls were quite healthy too.

  I think that they actually thought of themselves as a ménage à trois, though they probably wouldn't have used that term. And the reason I think that is because it wasn't until they were in their sophomore year of college that Carly got interested in a boy and started to wean herself off of her brother's penis. And when he cried in his beer, so to speak, to Sherry, she said she'd always be there for him and it finally occurred to him to ask her to marry him.

  Carly did fall hard for another man, named Gene. The way she tells it, she pursued him, overcoming what she thought was just an innate shyness he was afflicted with. She fell hard enough that, when he confessed he'd actively avoided having a girlfriend because of testicular cancer when he was young, and the infertility that had bestowed on him, she stayed with him. A year later she made a confession of her own, and a seventh co-conspirator was brought into the very small group of people who had access to what would otherwise be top secret information. He loved her enough that he decided she wasn't crazy, and decided to stick with her too. I'm pretty sure Sherry had something to do with that, because she knew how he felt, and they had some long talks. I do know he married her, even knowing what kind of relationship she'd had with her twin brother.

  Now, ten years later, Carly, Craig and Gene all work at the same big corporation, and the two families live next door to each other. Each household has two kids, a boy and a girl each, though none of them are twins. Sherry works from home, and is the nanny for all the kids, who have grown up as if they were, for all intents and purposes, brothers and sisters.

  Once in a while, when they're all out together, some stranger will assume that all four children belong to Craig. They say things like, "Boy, they sure take after their father, don't they."

  If it's somebody they'll likely never see again, no correction is given.

  In other situations, Carly will point to her own and say, "Those two are mine, but they look like him because he's my
twin brother, and they got his looks instead of mine."

  Nobody thinks about how those looks might have been contributed.

  *****

  Well, there you have it. You can believe in aliens or not. It's up to you.

  Me? I take precautions.

  Jennifer did give me a shot, in no small part because of those cases and cases of condoms I bought. I live in a small community too, so she knew I wasn't using them myself. She always asked, "So how's that handsome nephew of yours?" when I picked up an order. I always said, "Tired," and grinned. When I finally asked her out, she cocked her head and said, "I'm not sure I can handle a man from your family line."

  But she went out with me, and she was very appreciative of the fact that I ignored her sister's problems. She was also appreciative of my talents. There was a scandal when she moved out to the ranch to be my "cook," and then another one when the judge married us. I've made her belly swell twice as a result. We spend a lot of time out on the range together. We have an actual housekeeper/cook now, who takes care of the little ones.

  Oh. When I said I take precautions you thought I meant I took precautions with Jennifer. And now you're confused because I said I knocked her up twice.

  You misunderstood. Those aren't the kinds of precautions I took. On occasion, if we're far away from home and on horseback, we spend the night out under the stars.

  So we camp out.

  I made us both special little hats, made out of tin foil. They fit under our cowboy hats. She thinks I'm goofy, but she wears hers, because she loves me.

  I want to be in her ... but not that way.

  The End