Vic put his arm around me. “You’re a good man, Walsh. When you get back to San Diego after our next training, you guys can meet up again and see if you have any common ground.”
“Not going to happen. I don’t want to remind her of this. I was one of her clients. She and Gabriel need someone stable. And that sure as hell isn’t me.”
“But you deserve to be happy. Not all girls are going to cheat on you like Marissa did.”
“Whatever, man. Your wife cheated on you, too. I know hardly anyone in the Teams with a good marriage. The only guys who make it work are married to their high school sweethearts. Mine cheated on me, so game over. And it’s not just about that. Annie is so messed up. She’s going to need a man who can be with her, take care of her, and protect her. I can never be that man.”
Kyle pounded his beer and looked down toward the guest quarters. “That’s the thing. You rescued her. You’ve been taking care of her. You’re already that man, whether you like it or not.”
Shit. I came up here to relax. Now I wanted to jump overboard. Fucking idiots.
The three of us had spent so many hours together in silence, watching targets, waiting for action. They knew me better than I knew myself. I couldn’t deny the connection I had with Annie, the sense we were meant to find each other. I wasn’t talking about some crappy, romantic movie insta-love, just this intense feeling we were destined to be in each other’s lives. I saved her and her son. That was enough for me.
The gentle waves rocked beneath me. I lay down under the stars and drifted to sleep.
20
Annie
TONIGHT WAS OUR LAST NIGHT together. Tomorrow, he would drive me to my parents’ house, and then vanish from my life. Move on to his next mission. Would I ever see him again?
For our last night, we ported in Ensenada, Mexico, though Pat wouldn’t let me get off the yacht and risk being seen. Kyle, Dave, and Vic had gone into town and taken Gabriel. I was grateful they all loved my little boy and were taking him somewhere fun before the inevitable media circus would make us prisoners in my own home. They’d be back later, but for the first time since this ordeal had begun, Pat and I were completely alone.
We sat at the tiny table in the corner of the room. Pat plugged in his phone so we had some music—classic rock not classical. I didn’t think he was trying to set a seduction scene, but it felt like a romantic date. He was so handsome and rugged. I saw him with fresh eyes—not the man who’d hired me to blow him, not the SEAL who rescued me, just this strong, sensitive, masculine man. A man who would kill to protect me—and he already had.
Pat had snuck out into town before the others left and brought in food from a local restaurant. He’d been raving this entire trip about how he couldn’t wait for me to try the lobster. Pretty sweet of him. Nearby Puerto Nuevo was a fishing village, which was famous for its lobster, so we had lobster, fresh homemade tortillas, and all the fixings. My taste buds were alive. It was the best food I’d had in years: the plump flesh of the lobster, the buttery tortillas, and the creamy guacamole. I was craving a strawberry margarita, but Pat didn’t think it was a good idea—he felt it was too soon for me to drink alcohol since I was recovering. But, all in all, it was a perfect meal. I guess it was kind of a celebration. A toast to getting my life back.
He poured me a glass of Mexican cola. “What’s the first thing you’re going to do when you get home?”
I lifted the glass and pressed my lips onto it. I felt his eyes watching me, watching my lips. “Oh, I don’t know. Sounds weird, but I don’t want to see my friends for a while. I’m sure they’re all going to act weird around me, or ask me all sorts of crazy questions that I don’t want to answer. Nicole used to joke that if we ever got rescued, it would be like winning the Super Bowl. You know, ‘You’ve just won the Super Bowl. What are you going to do next? I’m going to Disneyland.’ But that’s not really my thing. I’d love to take Gabriel to Lake Tahoe, walk around the lake. Something outside. I’ve been locked up for so long; I’m desperate to just get out, walk, hike, and bike on the trails. Be free.”
His mouth widened into a smile. “That’s exactly what I like to do in my free time. Anything out in nature, hiking, camping, exploring. I grew up going to Lake Tahoe every summer.”
“Oh? Really? Maybe we ran into each other? My parents have a vacation home in Incline Village.”
Pat shook his head. “They have a place in Incline? Sure they do. I doubt you ever saw me on your private beach. My mom made sure that even though money was always tight, she would save up enough for us to spend a week in a crappy motel in Lake Tahoe every summer. You know, the kind across the street from Denny’s with an above-ground pool.”
I started biting my nails. What an idiot I was, talking about my summer home. Pat clearly didn’t grow up with money. I never had considered myself a snob before I’d been taken, but I was quite aware my parents were pretentious. They expected me to marry a man from a stable two-parent home, the son of doctors or lawyers. I shivered; how would they ever accept Gabriel?
Pat’s eyes watched me. He was so in tune with my emotions. Was this from his training? I felt like he could read my mind.
He changed the subject. “I have a week in San Diego before we leave again. I’m just going to spend time with my dog, Trigger. He was one of our military dogs in Iraq. He’s a German Shepherd. Retired. Great dog. One of the SEAL BUD/S instructors takes care of him when I’m gone. Here’s a pic of him.”
He took out his iPhone and showed me a pic of a huge dog.
“He’s gorgeous. I want to meet him. Are you going home to visit your mom? Where are you from anyway?” I realized I didn’t know anything about Pat, except, of course, he was a SEAL.
“Sacramento. I was going to, but I don’t have any time. Have to get my life in order before we go. I’ve been gone for six months, then this one month leave, and we’re heading out for another three months.”
I pushed my food around my plate. “I’m sorry I took up all your vacation time.”
“Don’t be.” He took my hand across the table, shivers radiated through my body. I knew rationally that I was having feelings for him because he saved me, nothing more. But I couldn’t help the fact I’d dreamt of this beautiful man every night since I met him. I was sure he was destined to save me, destined to choose me. But the way he treated me during the boat ride, with kid gloves, also made me confident his only feelings toward me were those of protection, compassion, and pity.
“Pat, I’m scared of going home. I wish I could stay here on this yacht. With you.”
“Why are you scared? Your parents are going to be thrilled to see you. I can’t imagine their pain.” He paused and released my hand. “And your boyfriend has given interviews about how he’s still in love with you. I’m sure you two will run off and get married. Live happily ever after and have two point five kids with a minivan.”
“Chris? Please. I mean he’s a good guy. He’s a surfer, used to get high all the time. I feel really bad about everything he’s been through, people thinking he killed me and all. But I’m so different now. He’s not the type of man I can see myself with. I want to be with someone strong, caring, and brave.” I paused and took Pat all in. I wanted to know everything about this man. What he felt, what he thought, what made him tick? “You’re incredible, you know that, right? Not many men would’ve returned to save me.”
“You’re a job to me, Annie. A mission. An American. I’m a SEAL, this is what I do. Any of the other guys on the Teams would do the same thing. It doesn’t make me special.”
He saw me as nothing more than a mission. And his mission was almost over. “Have you ever been in love?”
He looked away. “Yup. Once. She cheated. End of story.”
No matter how hard I tried, he wouldn’t open up to me. “Whatever. There’s always more to the story. Maybe she cheated on you because you’re so closed off. I mean, I’ve been living with you for two weeks and you know everything about me. But I
don’t know a thing about you. Except that you’re a SEAL. You never fail to remind me of that.”
“So, that’s an excuse to cheat on me? While I’m out getting shot at by the Taliban?”
“No, of course not. Not all girls cheat. I never cheated on Chris. But if you never let your ex in, she probably felt lonely. Like I feel now.”
“Fine, what do you want to know?”
He took a sip of his beer, his lips hovering over the glass. I imagined those lips on mine, what it would feel like to be desired instead of used. I had to push that thought out of my mind. “That’s not how it works. This isn’t an interrogation. I don’t want to know anything. I want to understand you.”
“I hate talking about myself, but if it’s important to you, I’ll try.”
He remained silent.
“Why did you want to become a SEAL?”
“They’re the best of the best. When I was a kid, one of my mom’s boyfriends threw her up against a wall and broke her shoulder. I wanted to kill that motherfucker. I guess I never wanted to feel powerless again.”
I choked back the tears, not willing to let him see me looking weak yet again. Would Gabriel have memories of his dad yelling at me? Forcing me to take drugs? Seeing me walk down the hallway with different men and disappearing for hours?
Pat was staring at me again with that look where he was trying to anticipate my thoughts. “I admire your strength. I don’t know how many women could go through what you went through and still be able to smile.”
A rush of desire overtook me. I wanted this man, couldn’t stop fantasizing about him. I didn’t want him to look at me as a victim—I wanted him to see me as a woman.
I glanced around the room, then fixated on him. It was our last night together; would I ever see him again? I had nothing to lose. “Pat, I have one favor to ask.”
He didn’t hesitate. “Anything. Shoot.”
My mouth widened into a smile, and I moistened my lips. “Make love to me.”
His eyes bugged out, and he shifted in his seat. “Annie, you’re beautiful, and in any other situation, any other situation, I would love to make love to you. But we can’t go there. I don’t want to hurt you. And I’m incapable of offering you any more than a one-night stand and you deserve more. I deploy at least nine months out of the year. When I’m home, I’m so tired from training. Your first experience after this nightmare should be special.”
My lips parted, I stood up and walked over to him. “I know what I want. I understand your job. For the past five years, I’ve been forced to have sex with strangers, do unthinkable things. Drugged out of my mind.” I leaned into him and ran my fingers through his hair. “Don’t let the last memory I have of being with a man, be of someone who paid for me. Someone I was unable to reject. I want you. I choose you. Make me feel good.”
For a second, I thought he would take me up on my offer. His eyes looked at me with hunger; I could see him growing with desire. My hand inched up his thigh and I stroked him. I wanted to feel him inside of me; for him to make me scream his name and make me come. I wanted to feel pleasure rush over my body, maybe hoping one amazing orgasm with a man who I had feelings for, however misguided, would wash away the sea of hurt that had been my life.
He stood up abruptly. “I can’t, Annie. I can’t. It’s not because I don’t want to, because I do. I’d love to pleasure you. I care about you, and your son. Nothing good can come out of this. You need to heal and move on. This will only confuse you. I’m sorry.”
He walked over to the bathroom and closed the door. I could hear the water run.
I knew he was doing what he thought was right. Trying not to hurt and damage me. But I deserved love. Would every man I ever developed feelings for be so afraid to hurt me that he would decide it was easier to walk away? Would I ever find love again? I hunched over in my chair, dejected and alone, again.
21
Patrick
THE STEAM FROM THE SHOWER fogged up the tiny mirror. I knew I was doing the right thing, no matter what my body was telling me. Annie couldn’t possibly be ready to be intimate with a man after what she’d been through, especially a man who’d been one of her clients. I didn’t want her to flash back to the brothel. She needed time for her body and her mind to recover, come to grips with what had happened to her.
I had to admit, I wasn’t just thinking about her. I didn’t have sex with women I knew or cared about. One-night stands, no strings attached, those were all I could handle. Could I make love to her and then walk away tomorrow?
I pulled on my clothes, and entered her cabin. This entire voyage, I’d slept on the floor. Annie was curled in a ball on the bed. Her hair splayed around her head, her arms wrapped around her chest. She wore the simple cotton dress I’d picked out for her before I rescued her. The moonlight from the porthole illuminated her body. She was breathtaking.
The rest of the boat remained silent, except the gentle waves of the ocean rustling.
I climbed on the bed, wrapped my arms around her. She smiled, and turned to face me. Her body strained closer as I hovered over her, lowered my lips to hers. She opened her mouth slowly, hesitantly, and I forced myself not to be too enthusiastic. To go slow when I wanted to plunge my tongue into her mouth and take. Take it all. Take her.
Her lips attacked mine, a desperate kiss. I didn’t resist. Her mouth was hot and wet. She didn’t taste bitter and dry like I’d expected her to. No. She was salty and fruity, like a strawberry margarita. I had a fleeting desire to drink her up, taste every inch of her body, and pleasure her instead of forcing her to service me. I wanted to see a warm flush wash over her face and make her glow just for me. To make her come and scream out my name, and tell her she’d be safe and never scared again. I wanted to protect her and promise her as long as I lived, no man other than me would ever touch her again.
I couldn’t allow myself to promise her anything, with words or my body. One kiss, it couldn’t go beyond this one kiss. This kiss was the culmination of the nights I rocked her to sleep, prayed she would survive long enough for me to find her. We needed this kiss, one glimpse into what things might’ve been if we’d met under different circumstances.
I pulled away from her lips, and I felt like a magnet being pushed back toward her. But I was strong and I resisted. I turned her back around, spooning her. And like I had every night since I rescued her, I rocked her to sleep.
I could handle kissing her, but not waking up to her all sleepy and soft. She’d been wrapped around me like a vine, curled into my side with a leg thrown across my own, her breasts against my chest, and her face tucked into my neck. I tucked that feeling away, too, and pulled away from the embrace and the longing it stirred.
I wanted nothing more than to rouse her from sleep and kiss her more deeply than the night before, but that would lead us both down a road I wasn’t sure I could come back from.
I was eating a pitiful excuse for a breakfast, runny, cold eggs and piss-poor coffee when she slipped into the galley in her meet-the-parents clothes, clutching Gabriel’s hand. She was hesitant as she came closer; she looked almost hopeful.
The shame and regret twisted painfully in my chest when she smiled up at me, her cheeks flush with a burn from my beard. For the first time since I met her she seemed happy and it fucking pissed me off that I allowed myself to even get close to her and give her a false sense of hope.
“Hey, buddy. Did you have fun last night?”
He gave me a high five. “Fun last night.” Gabriel had a habit of repeating what I said, which I found amusing.
Annie sat him down in a chair, and fidgeted with the hem of her dress as I made them breakfast.
“You ready?”
Confusion muddled her face and though I wanted to sidle up to her and tuck her into the comfort of my arm, I resisted. “Yeah, I have everything. How do I look?”
Her face glowed, as it had last night. All I wanted in that moment was to drag her back to our room and take back my promise no
t to make love to her. Instead, I frowned. “You look beautiful. Kyle, Vic, and I will wait outside your house and watch you walk in. Once I’m sure you’re in safe hands, I’ll go.”
She blinked back tears, though I ignored them. I tried to pretend they were tears of excitement, but I could tell by her white pallor and tense stance that she was petrified.
She ate her breakfast in silence and I was both thankful and angry about every fucking thing. She finished and threw away the soggy paper plate; her shoulders slumped in defeat.
“Let’s go.”
I took both her and Gabriel’s hands and led them off the boat and dock. We’d docked at the SEAL base in Coronado so we wouldn’t be hassled by customs and immigration. Vic and Kyle carried our luggage to Vic’s Chevy Tahoe while Dave stayed behind on the boat. Annie, Gabriel, and I sat outside my office. Her eyes darted around, staring at the SEALs training on the beach. A few guys looked right at us and Annie’s gaze lowered to the ground almost instantly. She tapped her foot and clutched my arm, almost leaving marks.
She turned to me. “About last night, I wanted to apologize—”
I cut her off. “Don’t.”
“Will you come see me when you return from deployment? I really would like to spend some time with you when you come back.”
An image flashed in my mind of Annie and Gabriel greeting me on the dock after a deployment, holding a sign, and jumping up and down trying to get a better glimpse of me. “Annie, I don’t think that’s a good idea—for you or Gabriel. You need to heal and move on. We’ll be bonded together forever because of this. But that’s all there is. A memory. You’re confusing your gratitude for your freedom with your feelings toward me. You don’t know me. And I don’t really know you, either. We have nothing in common. It was what it was. Now that you’re back home, you’ll get back with your rich, surfer boyfriend who keeps telling the press how much he misses you, and you’ll forget I exist.”
BEAST: A Bad Boy Marine Romance Page 24