by Chase, Nikki
I don’t remember much about what happened after we made a scene on the sidewalk. I floated on cloud nine for the rest of the day. Gabe took me back to his hotel room and we fell asleep in each other’s arms all through the night .
Tonight will be the last night we sleep at the hotel. After two weeks, the lack of space is starting to get to me. The room feels claustrophobic, and I hate having to call the front desk every time I need an extra packet of sugar .
But today, we’re getting the keys to the new apartment. Gabe’s lease starts today, and we’ll be moving in tomorrow. By nightfall, we should be trying to christen every room in the house .
Only Gabe’s name is on the lease, and only Gabe will be paying the rent. I insisted on paying half of it, but he said my money should go toward paying off my student loan .
Still, for all intents and purposes, it’s going to be our apartment. Our love nest .
I haven’t gone home to see Mom or Ray in days. The last time I dropped by, it was only to get some clothes and toiletries. I didn’t even get a chance to see anyone before I hopped back into a cab .
I feel bad about spending so little time with them, but it’s not like we used to be the kind of family that gathers around the dining table and has a lively conversation .
Mostly, we stuck to our own rooms. And I’ve always had a busy schedule, both as a medical student and as an intern, so I never got to see them much anyway .
Whatever. I’m twenty-four. I make good money. It’s only natural for me to move out. Why should I have to feel guilty about it ?
I thumb through the yellow folder of documents organized by the patient’s surname. Dr. Crenshaw wants me to enter this data into the computer system .
It’s mundane, mind-numbing work. But someone’s got to do it. And that someone is apparently a medical school graduate who has racked up more than $100,000 in debt to get her education .
Sometimes it bugs me that for all the work I do in medical school, almost half of my workday consists of recording information. But I tell myself I didn’t get into medicine for the prestige, and even this admin work is part of helping people .
But lately, I’ve been so happy I haven’t really minded the work. Being in love is like wearing a pair of glasses that makes everything seem better. Sort of like those Instagram filter, but it works in real life and not just in digital pictures .
“How’s my favorite little sister doing ?”
I jump from the shock, almost dropping the yellow folder in my hand onto the linoleum floor .
Ray grins as he leans against the counter, showing no remorse. He scans the area, his gaze resting on two young nurses who are grappling with some paperwork .
Oh, hell no. Ray’s not going to hit on those nurses and infiltrate my “work” box. He’ll stay where he is, in the “family” box .
Someday I’ll tell Gabe the truth, but it won’t be today. It won’t happen this way, with Ray making a big scene in my workplace, risking both my relationship and my career .
“What are you doing here?” I ask brusquely .
“What, I can’t see my own little sister?” Ray seems distracted. Even though he’s talking to me, his gaze has been flicking between me and something—or someone —behind me .
“You’ve never come here just to see me .”
“Well, you’ve also never disappeared for weeks until Mom gets so worried she nags me to come and find you. What is it, you finally found a boyfriend or something ?”
I frown. “Mom did that ?”
“You know how she is,” Ray shrugs .
“Where is she now?” I look over Ray’s shoulders down the hallway, expecting to see a brunette who’s secretly sixty, even though she looks forty-five .
“I didn’t take her here.” Ray’s tone seems to imply that I’m crazy for suggesting he’d take Mom to the hospital just to see me. “She’s at home. My friends are there too; we were watching a game. I went out for some beers at half-time and I happened to pass by the hospital on my way to the liquor store . ”
“Oh. Okay. As you can see, I’m fine .”
“Both Mom and I have been calling you. You should check your phone more often. You know how she gets when it comes to unanswered calls,” Ray says accusingly .
My heart grows heavy with guilt. Yes, I know. I know because I get that way too, ever since Sam ignored me and ended up doing what he did .
“I know,” I say. “My bad. I’m sorry. Please tell Mom I’m okay .”
“Okay.”
Ray’s no longer looking at me. His gaze is focused on one particular point behind me .
Has he found a girl he likes ?
But his muscles are tense. It doesn’t look like he’s just casually checking out some chicks .
I turn around and feel the blood drain out of me .
It’s Gabe. He’s in the hallway, talking to a nurse. Luckily, he’s not walking this way right now .
But if he sees me, he’ll come here for sure. At the very least, he’ll nonchalantly brush his hand against my butt as he walks past .
I put my hand on Ray’s shoulder and turn him around to face the other way. “This hospital is like a maze. I’ll take you to the lobby so you don’t get lost .”
I start walking, expecting Ray to follow me, but he doesn’t budge. He remains in place, squinting at Gabe .
“Ray, come on,” I say. My mouth feels dry .
Gabe’s far enough for Ray to not recognize him right away. But if he just takes a few steps in the wrong direction, Ray will see who that tall doctor really is .
“Who’s that fuckface over there?” Sparks of anger light up Ray’s eyes .
Things are not looking good .
“That’s, uh, Dr. Dorian,” I say, saying a random name from Scrubs , my favorite medical TV show .
“That’s not…” Ray squints at Gabe once again and slowly twists to look at me. “I swear he looks like Sam’s friend, Gabe. You remember that guy ?”
Of course. “That guy” had his cock buried inside me last night in the kitchen, and this morning in the bathroom .
But Ray can’t find out about him. He’s the last person who should know Gabe’s back in town .
I rest a hand on my hip, hoping to appear relaxed. Frowning, I say, “I vaguely remember someone like that, but it’s been a really long time, Ray. You probably don’t remember what he really looks like, because that’s Dr. John Dorian .”
“Are you sure?” Ray takes another look at Gabe .
Shit. This is exactly what I was afraid of .
Adrenaline pumps into my bloodstream, sending my heart rate up. I get restless .
I need to do something. Now .
“Yeah, of course I’m sure,” I say. “I see the guy every day. Come on, let’s go. You look like a creep, staring at some guy like that .”
“Jackie, I’m serious. That’s the guy. I’m sure.” Ray starts to take a step toward Gabe, his hands balled into fists .
“I know you’re sure, but that doesn’t mean you’re right.” I jump in front of Ray, blocking his path and his view. “Come on, Ray, please don’t make a scene here. I work here. Don’t embarrass me at my workplace .”
Ray studies me. “I’m not going to embarrass you. I’ll just walk up to him and ask him what his name is .”
I stop myself from rolling my eyes. Knowing Ray, he’d probably be rude and weird about it. Having dropped out of college and remained unemployed for years, Ray has no idea how to behave in a professional setting .
“No,” I say firmly. “I can’t have you risking my job just because you think an attending physician is someone else .”
“Are you seriously telling me that guy is not Gabe?” Ray asks incredulously .
“I told you. His name is John Dorian,” I say, thanking my lucky stars that Ray doesn’t watch Scrubs .
“I’ll talk to him.” Ray starts to walk away .
“Ray, please,” I say as I grab his wrist. “You know you have a talent fo
r starting fights. The cops have arrested you so many times they groan when they get a call about a bar fight and see you there .”
“That’s true,” he says with more than just a hint of pride. “But I’m going to be real gentle .”
“Ray, look at me,” I say, hoping he’ll listen to me if he stops staring at Gabe .
My brother turns his attention to me. He seems impatient. Like a restless horse just before a race .
“The job market is horrible,” I say. “If I get fired from this job and get a bad reputation, I won’t be able to just find another one. You know that, right ?”
Lines appear on Ray’s forehead. He’s listening, and he knows I’m making a good point .
“If I’m unemployed, how am I going to pay off my student loan? Are we going to sell the house?” I ask, leveling my gaze at him .
Despite our money problems, Mom and Ray always refuse to sell the house. They say they want to keep their memories of Sam alive .
Too bad they never paid much attention to him while he was around. If they had, maybe he’d still be here .
“You know Dad’s not going to help me pay my debts, right?” I ask. “It’s been a long time since any of us heard from him. He could fly to Thailand tomorrow and retire, and no lawyer would be able to make him pay Mom’s alimony. And then how are we going to pay our bills ?”
“You’re right. I shouldn’t be rash,” Ray says .
Money talks. When all else fails, Ray and Mom will always listen to me if I bring it up. I try to reserve this tactic for when I’m cornered .
Neither one of them has a clue how we’re doing financially. Ever since Dad left, I’ve been the one to maintain our bank accounts and pay our bills .
Technically, I could tell them any money-related lie I want. But I don’t even have to do that, because we really have significantly less money than we used to .
Compared to a lot of people, we’re not hurting. But you wouldn’t know it if you listened to Mom and Ray’s complaints .
“I’ll show you the way out, okay?” I ask Ray in a soft voice. I don’t play the role of the concerned sister often because it reminds me of Sam, of how things should be between siblings, but I can still pull it off .
“Okay.” Ray finally turns around and lets me guide him through the hospital hallways .
We take the long way out. I actually have too much work to waste my time on this, but Ray needs to get as far away from Gabe as humanly possible, and I need to make sure that happens .
I breathe a soft sigh of relief when we reach the lobby .
Finally. Encounter thwarted. Disaster averted .
I did good .
Before Ray walks through the door, he says, “I wonder if he changed his name. I’ll have to look it up .”
My heart sinks .
I’ll have to tell Gabe the truth .
I’ll need to do that before Ray gets to him first .
Gabe deserves to hear it from me .
Gabriel
“W e’re here,” I announce .
Of course it's not like Jacqueline can't see the vast ocean in front of us. It's fucking massive .
But she hasn't said anything since we got into the car and she told me to take her anywhere I wanted. Before I could suggest a secluded place where I could fuck her senseless in the great outdoors, I caught a glimpse of her face .
“Oh,” Jacqueline says, with the same expression she’s been wearing the whole drive .
Even though we’re only inches apart in my car, it feels like she’s somewhere I can’t reach. She has a vacant stare, and her voice is barely above a whisper .
What’s gotten into her ?
First, she begged me to take a day off together. Now, when we should be enjoying the day off, she’s sweating like a drug mule about to go through customs .
“Angel, are you worried about something?” I take her hand as we both make our way toward the boardwalk .
“We’ll talk later,” Jacqueline says, staring off into the distance .
“Okay. But I want you to know that no matter what it is, I’m still going to be here for you when you’re done talking.” I stroke the back of her delicate hand .
There’s a hint of a nod, but otherwise I see no signs of her having heard me .
“Jacqueline, angel, listen to me,” I say. “I meant what I said. Nothing can change my mind about you. I’m happier than I’ve ever been, and that’s all that matters .”
“Uh-huh,” she says. It’s like she has mentally blocked her ears. She turns to me with a fake smile and says, “Let’s get something to eat .”
I tell her to wait for me on one of the benches while I get some hot dogs from the same stall where I’ve always bought them from .
How long ago was it, when I first took Jacqueline here on our first date? It feels like a lifetime ago, but it also feels like a second ago .
Our relationship has grown and strengthened since then. She was just a stranger then, but now she’s my lover, my girlfriend, my partner in life .
But sometimes, I wonder… I still don’t know something very important about her .
She has a secret that's apparently dark enough to tear us apart. What could it be ?
And is she about to tell me now ?
I feel like I know her well enough to say that I trust her and love her no matter what .
At the same time, my rational mind tells me she’s trouble .
The paranoid conspiracy theorist within me tells me she could be an agent planted by the KGB to dig for information about my work and kill me as soon as she gets what she’s after. But it's not like I know any information worth an assassination .
“Do you speak Russian, Jacqueline?” I ask as I hand her a hot dog .
“Huh?” Jacqueline frowns. “No .”
“Of course you’d say that.” I want to tell her that’s exactly what a KGB agent would say, but her stormy blue eyes say this is not the time for dumb jokes .
I take a seat beside her on the wooden bench and watch as she takes one tiny bite after another. She stares off into space again .
What kind of a wound has she been carrying around, in that petite body of hers ?
I diagnose and fix what’s wrong with people every day, but I can’t help the woman I love. It makes me feel powerless .
I hate this feeling. It reminds me of a moment on the night of The Incident. the cops kicked the door open, and just as I’d feared, Sam was no longer breathing .
I need to fill this silence. I have to find out what’s bothering her. Everything sucks when she's unhappy; even this kick-ass hot dog tastes like shit .
“You know, you can eat the entire hot dog,” I say the first thing that comes to mind .
“Huh?” Jacqueline asks, taking a break from chewing the tiny morsels of food in her mouth .
“I only owe you half a hot dog, remember ?”
“Oh. Right.” Her lips spread into a small smile. Finally, her gaze focuses on me and she sees me. “Thanks .”
“It’s just a hot dog.” I raise my hand to caress her cheek. “If I could buy you a thousand hot dogs and get a thousand smiles in return, I’d do it. Happily .”
Jacqueline’s smile widens, but then sadness clouds her eyes. “Sorry, Gabriel .”
“What for, angel? You’ve given me some of the best moments of my life .”
“Sorry because I’m not who you think I am. Because I’m going to disappoint you. I should’ve left you alone on the balcony that night .”
“I’m glad you didn’t .”
“You wouldn’t be saying that if you knew the truth,” Jacqueline says with a wry smile .
“Try me .”
“I don’t know how to tell you this.” Jacqueline drops her gaze and absently plays with the phone in her hands. “But let me start by saying that it was never my intention to deceive you. I just wanted to say hi to you, but then the conversation went in an unexpected direction and I…couldn’t just walk away .”
> “Okay. I'm going to need some context to understand what you’re talking about… but okay .”
“You’ll see when I tell you everything.” Jacqueline gazes into my eyes and says, “I’m scared you won’t see me the same way again after I tell you. I’m terrified I’ll never catch you with that same look again on your face .”
“Angel, I’ll still be here when you’re done. Everything between us will stay the same. I told you .”
She keeps staring at me like she’s recording every word and filing it in her mind in case we never see each other again .
This is getting on my nerves .
This means she doesn’t trust me when I pledge her my loyalty .
“You have nothing to worry about,” I say, a little more brusquely than I intended .
“I know. I just need time to get it all out. That’s why I asked you to take the day off. This is not something I can just blurt out in a few minutes. I need to organize my thoughts. I’ve imagined this moment for years and now that it’s finally happening, I can’t believe it’s real .”
Did she just say “years”? But we haven't even known each other for half a year .
Jacqueline pauses to take a breath and gives me an apologetic look. “Sorry. I don’t want this to end. I know we’ll fall apart once I tell you the truth, but I have to say it anyway. I don’t want you to find out from someone else. The least — ”
BEEP.
A loud electronic noise from the pocket of my jeans interrupts Jacqueline .
Hurriedly, I take my pager out and light up the screen. I told an intern to only page me in case of absolute emergency, but I hope he’s just paging me to let me know he’s ticked off another unimportant thing on his to-do list. As usual .
…
Fuck.
Jacqueline and I share a look. Neither one of us wants to delay this conversation, but we both know duty calls .
Jacqueline
I 'm running out of nails to bite .
I haven't stopped fidgeting since Gabe dropped me off at home .
On the bright side, the apartment is sparkling clean .