The Void

by Bryan Healey

  My father...

  "You're getting help, Max."

  He is standing over me, looking an odd mix of furious and terrified. Above him is the ceiling; that much, I am sure. I also know that the room and the house is empty. Jenny left days ago; or maybe it was weeks? Or months? I have no concept of time.

  "I'm fine."

  "Max, enough is enough."

  "Where is Jenny?"

  "Don't get worked up, okay?"

  "Where is Jenny?" I repeat.

  "Everyone is here to help you."

  "Where is Jenny?"

  He sighs, rubs his face. "In the kitchen."

  "She came back?"

  "Came back?"

  "She's back?"

  "She never left, Max!"

  "What?"

  I am confused. I am sure she left.

  At first I thought I had killed her, but then she just wasn't there. So she had to have left. She had to have... Nothing else makes any sense, nothing makes any sense. What is going on?

  What is this madness?

  "I know she left."

  "Max," and he comes down onto his knees and puts his hand on my chest. "Jenny never left."

  "Why are you here?"

  "Max, I want you to listen closely to me..."

  I blink and try to sit up, but find that I can't.

  Why can't I sit up?

  "Why can't I sit up?"

  "These men are here to take you to the hospital. They're going to get you the help that you need. Don't fight them, okay?"

  "What men?"

  "Behind me, these men."

  I see no men behind him.

  "What are you talking about?"

  "Don't move, Max."

  And then they are there, three of them, big men, wearing all blue. One has a hat, I think. Another is holding a weapon of some kind; I don't know which, but it is very large. He looks angry.

  "What is happening?"

  "Max, everything is going to be-"

  "What is this?"

  I feel suddenly lucid, angry. I try and throw myself up, but go no where. Am I restrained? Am I being held down? Why can't I sit up?

  "This is for your own good, Max."

  "Jenny!"

  "Jenny will see you at the hospital."

  "Jenny!" I scream.

  "She will see you at the hospital!"

  I tear at my arms, desperate to stand, to go and find my wife! Why was my father keeping her from me? What is going on? Who are those men- wait- those men... I don't see them?

  Where are they?

  "What are you doing?"

  "Max-"

  "What is this? What is going on?"

  "Max!"

  "Jenny! Jenny!" I start to scream.

  "Max, stop fighting!"

  "What did you do with Jenny?"

  "What are-"

  "Goddamnit, let me go!"

  "I'm not touching-"

  I kick at the air, swing my arms violently. I am utterly terrified; something awful is about to happen, I know, I am certain. Nothing is right, this isn't right, what is my father doing?

  "Stop it! Let go of me!"

  The men are grasping at my arms now, trying to restrain me, trying to keep me from fighting.

  "Don't touch me!"

  "'Max, please-"

  "Fuck you! Let go of me!"

  "Max, stop it!"

  "Argh!"

  And then a pain, a pain in my arm; why does my arm suddenly hurt? What are they doing to me?

  "Everything is going to be okay, Max."

  My father seems more calm, now.

  Why is he calm?

  I keep kicking, at the air, at the men, at my dad, at anything I can reach, as the world starts to change, to darken and melt. I feel my mind slipping entirely; not the usual sense of delight, but a miserable feeling of decay and despair.

  I am dying... I am sure I am dying...

  "Dad," I mumble.

  "It's okay, son." He sounds weird.

  "Dad, I don't want to die!"

  "You're-" and then everything left me.

  "Hey," was the somber, sour whisper of Jenny, confusingly loud in my left ear, absent in my right. She must be right beside my head, speaking softly only to me. A word from wife to husband, at the end...

  "I couldn't sleep."

  Is it nighttime?

  "And I wanted some time alone with you."

  I miss being alone with you...

  "It's peaceful here, at night. Nothing but a little beeping and the nurses. It's dark."

  I don't like the quiet.

  I prefer words.

  "I always feel... better... when I'm with you. I even feel better being with you now, like this. Even at our worst, just being beside you was enough to keep me... calm... relaxed. You're my center."

  You were always the stable one.

  "I don't know what I'll do."

  You'll be fine, Jenny.

  "You know, before this, the last time you were in the hospital, I thought about what I'd do if you left us. You looked so... rough... I just didn't know what the drugs had done to you. They said they were having trouble getting your heart rate under control."

  I never knew that...

  "And I thought, I'll move in with my father. I thought, Brian will have a good home there, and he'll have someone to teach him to be a man."

  Your dad would've taught him well...

  "But then, at night, when the madness died down and it was just me and you, alone in a dark room, you sleeping soundly- the same beeping- I thought, 'he needs his dad.' His grandfather would have done his best, but you will always be his dad."

  I love him so much...

  "And you just-" and her voice breaks, a quick sniffle, "you just can't replace a dad."

  I know that all too well...

  "But now he's all grown up. He's got a girl, she loves him and he loves her, and he's planning to move back home. I don't want to do that to him."

  I don't want him to have to do that, either...

  "But I also don't think I can do all this alone. I just... I don't know how to... be... without you. And there is so much... extra... coming to deal with. I barely even know how to do the house finances, you know? Although I've done pretty good since I first... lost you... You'd be proud of me, I think."

  I've always been proud of you, Jenny.

  "I just..."

  And a cough, a sob; her voice was failing her. I could hear the crackling sound of lungs ready to break forth tears. I have no desire to hear her cry again. I hate to hear such horror and have no ability to wipe her cheek, no strength to put her to my shoulder and let her know that everything is going to be alright...

  "I never imagined this is how it would end."

  I never considered it ending at all...

  "Even at our worst, I never really imagined it would end... like this. I always believed you'd make it, that you'd pull through. I worried about you, and I may have thought about losing you, but I never believed it. It was always... distant. A remote possibility."

  I wish I was smarter...

  "And now, seeing you lying here..."

  Silent, still...

  "...it just seems so... real... now..."

  I wish this were all a dream.

  "And soon, you'll be gone," her voice cracks, she sniffles, the ruffling of sheets once again. That same noise, I never know what it means, what is happening around me, but I can imagine.
..

  I imagine her, hands now rubbing my arm.

  Warming me, me warming her...

  "And when you're gone, it'll be just me and Brian- and now Julie- and we'll just have to manage. I'll find a way to go on; I know that's what you'd want me to do. But I'll never love someone else. I hope you know, wherever you are, that you're the only man I'll ever love, that will ever be in my heart. You're my everything. You're taking my heart with you when you go, wherever you're going."

  It's cruel that I cannot cry...

  "I love you, Max..."

  I love you, too, Jenny...

  "...I love you so very much."

  And then more ruffling, and the echo of shoes against tile, loud at first and then muffling with time, slowly dimming and disappearing.

  She is leaving the room!

  No, Jenny! Come back!

  I need her beside me, talking to me, telling me that everything is going to be okay, that she'll be okay, that I'll be okay; I didn't need to believe it...

  It didn't need to make sense...

  It didn't need to be truthful...

  But I need to hear it! I need to lie to myself, I need to believe that everything is going to be okay, that they'll be okay without me, they won't be sad, they'll carry on and live their lives; I need to know that my death won't hurt and that I'll just fade away.

  I even want to believe I will see her again...

  I can't imagine never hearing her voice again.

  I can't imagine no longer being.

  Jenny, please! Come back!

  Please...

  Come back...

  But she is gone.

  Only silence...

  Will this be what death is? Only silence, total silence... Nothing, darkness, the void; pure emptiness. Or will it be even greater; truly nothing, a complete lack of existence. What would it be like to not exist? Of course it would be like nothing, I won't be able to perceive it, to understand it. My mind will be going, disintegrating in the ground, slowly turning into goo for the earth, food for plants.

  Trapped in a box...

  Odd to consider a lack of thought, a lack of being, a lack of existence. Having only ever perceived existence, I have no comparison with which to think of, to compare my future to. But the future is coming...

  ...looming large, like the brilliant orange glow before the cresting of the morning sun...

  ...I'm so afraid...

  "Max, can you hear me?"

  Suddenly, my eyes are open, the pain furious and burning, deep in my abdomen. I heave forward, my eyes locked on the sight of Jenny, leaning against a glass door at the far corner of the room.

  "What is wrong with me?"

  "You're detoxing, Mr. Aaron."

  "What?"

  I can't comprehend; I only feel pain.

  "You had an almost lethal amount of pain killers in your system. We pumped your stomach, and you've been unconscious for two days. But you're going into withdrawal, and you'll be feeling sick for a few days more, I'm sure."

  "It hurts! Oh Jesus, it hurts!"

  "Are you going to vomit?"

  "Yes," and I lurch to the side and heave.

  Nothing comes...

  "Nurse," was all the man says, and a woman, tall and attractive, comes to me with a pink, kidney shaped bowl and place the object in front of where my mouth now is. I heave once again, feeling the burn in my stomach violently rise into my throat.

  And I vomit, forcefully, back arching...

  "Ugh," is all I manage as I lay back in the bed, the pain still there, still furious, my stomach churning and bubbling. My head is throbbing and my throat is dry and hoarse.

  "Max, this is good!"

  "No," I grumble.

  "You need to get everything out of your system, Max, if you want to be able to heal."

  "No," I repeat.

  "Max-"

  "Please, give them," I squeak, never mentioning them by their name or saying the words, but everyone knowing just the same what I mean.

  "You don't need them, sweetie."

  That is Jenny, the first words she speaks.

  She sounded almost... happy...

  Why is she happy?

  "You came back," I manage.

  She looks perplexed.

  "Came back? Came back from where?"

  "You left me."

  She looks at my father, who I finally notice beside her, leaning against the wall perpendicular to the door that Jenny is against. They share an awkward glance, both clearly confused.

  "I never went anywhere, sweetie."

  "Last month, I watched you leave." I wasn't sure of the time-frame, but I feel it was a reasonable guess given what I can remember.

  "Last month?"

  She walks up to me, puts her hands on my legs, which oddly feel painful under her fingers. Why do my legs hurt? Why does everything hurt?

  "Yes, last month."

  "Sweetheart, I didn't go anywhere last month."

  "I watched you leave!"

  I was suddenly angry, furious, and I didn't know why. She was questioning, not just the time that I was saying, but that I saw it at all. She was questioning my sanity, and I was not insane.

  "Sweetie-"

  "No! Stop it!"

  And I pull forward, and find myself unmoved. I look left, right; my hands are restrained by thick, brown cuffs that are chained to the edges of the bed.

  Why am I being restrained?

  "Let go of me!"

  "Max, please-"

  "No! Let go! Let go!"

  "Okay, everyone out! Right now!"

  That was what I presume to be the doctor. Jenny gave him a long, somber look, glanced at my father, and then slowly turned, opened the door and left into the hallway and out of sight.

  "Bring her back in here!"

  "Max, calm down!"

  "No! Bring my wife back in here!"

  "No!"

  And I stop struggling, silenced, shocked at the fury in his words. He wasn't trying to be reserved, he was being forceful, letting me know he was serious and not willing to bend at my insistence. Looking left and right once again, I have a brief moment of clarity, recognizing that I am going no where without this man's support, and gently lay back down.

  "Why?" I manage, suddenly starting to cry.

  My stomach is raging...

  I'm going to vomit again...

  "Because you-"

  And I heave, once, twice, then vomit all over my hospital garment. The nurse rushes forward with a fresh kidney shaped dish, but it is much too late.

  "Oh, Max," the doctor whispers.

  "I'm sorry," I squeak. "I hurt."

  "I know, Max."

  "Can you give me something?"

  "No, Max."

  "Please! I hurt so much!"

  "Max, I want you to listen to me," he says, coming nearer my face as the nurse begins to mop up the filth strewn across my body with a thick cloth.

  "I'm listening."

  "I can't give you anything because we need to get your system completely clean of drugs. Do you understand what I'm telling you?"

  I sigh, heave once more, but then settle back to the bed. "I understand," I mutter, desperate for him to change his mind, to knock me out, to take away the pain. I feel like hell...

  Or how I imagined hell to be...

  "Try to sleep. It will help pass the time."

  And he leaves the room.

  It is now only the nurse and I, who is still c
leaning me. I am embarrassed, in agony, and furious. I need to escape, to feel nothing once again. I need to get out of this hospital.

  But I can't.

  And so I cry, suddenly and bitterly...

  The nurse never looks up.

  "Hello, Max," says Sarah.

  Is it the same night? Have I missed a day?

  Where is Jenny?

  "I saw that your wife was here late tonight."

  Is she gone now?

  "She's beautiful."

  Yes, she is... was... is...

  "You two must have been very happy."

  We were... often enough, anyway...

  "I'm sure you had your problems, of course, everyone does, but she seems to really love you."

  Were you watching her talk to me?

  "I wish I could have found someone for me."

  You will, Sarah...

  "I guess it's still possible, maybe, but I doubt it. I don't have anything anyone would want, and I'm too shy to talk to anyone, anyway."

  Don't think like that, Sarah, you're a great girl and any man would be lucky to have you!

  "I saw your son, too," and the ruffling of sheets once again, as always. I imagine she is changing them, or perhaps rearranging them to be more neat and tidy.

  Is Brian still here?

  "He's a very handsome man, very polite. You should be very proud of him."

  I am very proud of him...

  Very proud...

  "He looks just like you, too. Much younger, of course, but the same basic... look..."

  I hope he is more handsome than me...

  "You have a wonderful family, Max."

  Thank you, Sarah. I will miss them...

  "I envy you. I wish I had a family that would come see me if I was sick, stay with me, even wait and be with me to watch me die.

  "When Michael is gone, I'll have no one."

  Oh, Sarah...

  "When I die, no one will be around to wait with me and sit with me and help me go in peace. I'll die alone, all by myself..."

  Sarah, don't think like this! Don't focus on your death, that will be one day in your life! Focus on what you have now, on Michael, on your work and your friends, on living while you have time to live!

  "I don't want to go out like that, all alone, strapped to a hospital bed, waiting to die."

  And you won't!

  "I want to decide when I go, you know?"

  Decide?