Wednesday, October 19, 1859
The days are getting shorter, and it’s cool in the mornings during study time. Today Mr. Harms changed the study time to early afternoon when it is still hot enough to need a fanner. I would say thank you, but I dare not. He say he will speak to me, so I got to wait.
Sunday, October 23, 1859
Mas’ went to fetch Miz Lilly from Richmond. We had the whole day to ourselves again. Trouble is, William wanted to come down to the Quarters to the meeting. Mr. Harms thought it was a good idea. ’Course, we didn’t, but what could we say?
At the meeting, Rufus talked about the three boys in the fiery furnace: Shadrach, Meshach, Abedego. Then Rufus sang a song. We all joined in. I looked over at William and Mr. Harms and they were singing and clapping their hands, too.
My God’s a good God. It is so.
I woke up this morning and by God’s pure grace I go.
Yes, God is a great God, this I know.
We shared a table the way we always do after service. Mr. Harms took William back to the house in his rolling chair. I stayed to be with Wook for a little while longer. All the smile is gone out of her eyes. I rubbed her feet, because they were so swollen. That’s when she broke down and cried, saying she hated her husband, Lee. He had got a pass to visit, but came just to say he didn’t love her. Lee wants to marry somebody else.
Monday, October 24, 1859
Miz Lilly is home. Lord have mercy. Mas’ and Hince left the same day for races in Charleston. We all been busy washing and ironing her travel clothes — scrubbing, scrubbing. Nothing suits her. And she aine stopped going on about how filthy the house is.
Tuesday, October 25, 1859
I caught Miz Lilly in her room at a good time, and asked her if I could stay with Aunt Tee in the Quarters ’stead of in the kitchen.
I knew just how to get what I wanted out of her. I say to her, “Miz Lilly, I was thinking if you let me stay with Aunt Tee down in the Quarters, I can watch and know if somebody’s talking runaway talk.”
She studied on that notion. “You’ve never told me one thing about anybody. Why now, Clotee?”
I had to think fast and talk straight. “I figure if I help you, then you’ll give me nice things like you do Missy.”
That fooled her good! She let me stay in Aunt Tee’s cabin, but I still got to work with Eva Mae in the kitchen and help Missy with the housework. It’s a little bit like the way it used to be — Aunt Tee and Spicy and me talking all hours of the night. Now, I’ll be able to write more often and not cause suspection. It’s no where near as warm or as nice as the kitchen. When I write H-O-M-E, I see here in the cabin. Home aine a place — it’s a feeling of being loved and wanted. Wherever Aunt Tee and Spicy are that’s home to me.
Friday, October 28, 1859
Been working all week. Today is the first time I’ve had a minute to write. Most nights I just fall asleep on my pallet, next to Spicy. We all too tired to talk, but it’s so good being back together again under the same roof — even though it leaks.
Saturday, October 29, 1859
Aunt Tee has found a way to be useful again. She made herself a job. All the hands in the Quarters work so hard, they be too tired to cook in the evening. So, she’s done started cooking for everybody. Whatever the folk can rake together, they bring it to Aunt Tee. She adds it together to make a bigger pot. They come home in the evening to a big pot. Today they had rabbit stew, wild turnips, and ho’cakes fixed by the best cook in Virginia.
After last meal the same day
I picked up pieces of talk at dinner. Mr. Harms was telling Miz Lilly about the Bible he’d found, but he said he found it down by the river. “Yes, Eva Mae told me you’d found a Bible and that you were trying to say it belonged to her or Clotee. Why would you think it belonged to one of the slaves and not a member of the Big House?”
“Slaves steal so badly,” said Mr. Harms. “When anything is missing or lost, I always begin with the house slaves. They are the ones most likely guilty.”
Mr. Harms was sounding like a mas’er. But when I looked closer, the Bible he showed Miz Lilly wasn’t Spicy’s at all. Mr. Harms was helping Spicy and me, but at the same time finding favor with Miz Lilly. I felt myself smile inside.
Then Mr. Harms asked if Miz Lilly knew that William has some feeling in his toes? She didn’t know — she never takes time to know about such things. Mr. Harms asked if he could use hot water treatments on William’s legs. Say he’d learned the treatment from a doctor over in Washington.
“Only if Dr. Lamb says it is all right.”
Then, he asked for Missy to help him with the treatments. “No,” said Miz Lilly, “Missy is attending to me. Use Clotee.”
Mr. Harms knew just how to charm Miz Lilly. If he had asked for me, she never would have let me help. What is Mr. Harms up to?
Monday, October 31, 1859
It’s shoe-wearing time again. I hate putting on William’s old hard shoes.
Eva Mae, Missy, and me just about harvested everything from the house garden and preserved, pickled, or dried it. The collards are ready to be picked, but Aunt Tee say wait ’til the frost hits them, first. This is my favorite time of the year, when the summer heat gives way to fall coolness. I can finally get a good sleep.
Wednesday, November 2, 1859
Hince and Mas’ Henley came back home winners. They also had a fine new horse, a beauty named Canterbury’s Watch. He’s not as spirited as Dancer, but Hince says he’s a strong runner — steady. Hince calls him “Can,” because he “can run.” Miz Lilly came out on the porch, took one look at the horse, stepped back inside and slammed the door.
It was good to have Hince home. Although he spends most of his time with the horses, I miss hearing him laughing and how the sound floats up to the kitchen from the stables.
I told him I was staying in Aunt Tee’s cabin down in the Quarters, but I still work up in the kitchen and Big House. “I’m glad you with Aunt Tee,” he said. “Somebody to see after her.”
Then Hince s’prised me with a piece of red satin ribbon. It was as grand as anything Miz Lilly owned. And it was all mine. Didn’t have to slip and play with it. Hince say he had bought it with money he won, betting on himself.
“I was going to wait until the Big Times to give it to you, but I couldn’t wait. How do you like it?”
The word came straight from my heart and burst out of my mouth. “Beautiful!” Whenever I write B-E-A-U-T-I-F-U-L, I will see my red ribbon. It makes me feel pretty and like I want to dance and dance.
Sunday, November 6, 1859
Hince bought Spicy a measure of cloth and Aunt Tee a comb for her hair. All three of us wore our gifts to meeting. All the women in the Quarters was jealous — but Missy was so mad, she didn’t stay through the whole service. Rufus talked on love.
“Love is not jealous,” he said, winking at the three of us. I should have been ashamed of being so proud of my red ribbon, but I wasn’t. I just held my head higher.
Monday, November 7, 1859
Missy come in the kitchen waving a white handkerchief with purple and yellow pansies on each corner. Lord, who has that girl gone and told on?
Tuesday, November 8, 1859
Missy told Miz Lilly all about the gifts Hince had bought us — mad because he didn’t bring her nothing back. Miz Lilly took it straight to Mas’ Henley.
Mas’ Henley rang the plantation bell. All of us come running to the front of the house. Mas’ Henley lead us to the stables. Oh, no. Somebody was getting ready to get a beating.
When Mas’ grabbed Hince, my breath cut short.
“How’d you get money to buy gifts?” he asked Hince.
“I used the eating money you gives me to bet on myself to win — and I winned,” he say, not feeling like he’d done no wrong.
Mas’ Henley reached and got a buggy whip.
“Where’d you get the idea that you could slip behind my back and place bets?” He told Hince to lean over and hold on
to the wagon wheel. Hince couldn’t b’lieve he was getting a whupping. Neither could I.
“But Mas’, I didn’t slip. I placed the bet, free and open.”
Mas’ Henley beat Hince. Gave him ten hard licks while we all was made to watch. I closed my eyes and balled my hands in a fist so tight my fingernails dug in the heel of my hand. I wanted to holler out when I heard the swish of the whip hitting my brother-friend’s back.
Everybody knew Hince was Mas’ Henley’s bread and butter — filled his pockets. If Hince got a beating, then what would ol’ Mas’ do if we got caught doing any thing — anything. It didn’t have to be wrong — just something he didn’t like. Mas’ Henley promised never to give Hince eating money when they was out on a trip. Say he could starve to death.
Wonder how Missy feels about herself, now? Was getting Hince a whupping worth that ugly handkerchief? We used to let Missy get away with fighting and hitting, because we thought she was pretty and all. I even wanted to be like her. But if being pretty means being that ugly inside, then Lord let me stay plain. Aunt Tee always say what go around, come around. Missy got it coming for what she did.
Wednesday, November 9, 1859
Aunt Tee took care of Hince’s wounds. The buggy whip cut his skin, but not as deep as a cat-o’-nine. Hince was shamed, at first — shame of being whupped in front of everybody. Being a winning jockey didn’t help him none. Mas’ Henley beat him just the same.
Spicy and me tried to cheer him up by talking about Mas’ Henley in the worse way. He felt some better. I could see it in his face.
One day when the abolitionists come they will stop all this beating. I wonder how far off that day is?
Friday, November 11, 1859
It rained all day — a slow rain. Turned cold afterwards. Miz Lilly called me to her room. Then we went up in the attic. There were all kinds of boxes up there — things I’d never seen before. Dresses, coats, hats. It smelled of ol’ and the dust made me sneeze.
Miz Lilly opened a creaky trunk and pulled out a pair of shoes and a dress that musta b’longed to her daughter. She handed them to me. I had never had no real shoes or a pretty dress. Just the plain white pull-overs Aunt Tee stitched up for me.
“Your mama made this dress for my Clarissa when she was a girl. Now you can have it.” I quick put the shoes on. They were a little big, but much softer than William’s big shoes. My toes had plenty of room and the sides weren’t rough and hard. I put the dress on. It felt like it had been mine all along, because Mama had made it. I buried my face in it and tried to smell Mama, but it just made me sneeze more. Miz Lilly was almost a person, but I had to keep my wits about me. She wasn’t nice just to be nice. She was up to something.
When I showed Aunt Tee and Spicy what Miz Lilly had give me, they looked at me with wondering faces. “I didn’t tell her nothing. Honest!” They b’lieved me, but warned me to be careful-like.
Saturday, November 12, 1859
This study season would have been over for me, because it’s been too cold to fan. If it hadn’t been for those hot water treatments Mr. Harms is giving William, my learning would have ended like before. But Mr. Harms got me helping during study time. Still not a word from Mr. Harms. He sees me every day, but he walks right by me. I might as well be a shadow person. Wonder will the treatments really do William any good?
Sunday, November 13, 1859
I just hurried back to Aunt Tee’s cabin to write what I just seen.
I was going back to the kitchen from the Quarters a while ago, when I seen Mr. Harms going into the woods. I followed him all the way down to the river, being quiet as I could. He put his hands to his mouth and made the sound of a bird. In a few minutes, I heard the same sound. Then out of the river mist stepped a ghostly-looking man. As the moon slipped from behind a cloud, I got a good look. He was the one-eyed man in the picture — the abolitionist — no ghost at all, but in the flesh.
My heart was beating in my chest so hard, I was sure they could hear it. I wanted to run out and tell the one-eyed man that he was my hero — like the long-ago Herquelez that Mr. Harms had read about. I wanted to tell the one-eyed man that I was an abolitionist, too, and that I wanted to get rid of slavery just like him. But I decided just to watch and listen.
I know now that Mr. Harms is in with the abolitionists for sure. That means that not all abolitionists are from the Philadelphia, the New York, or the Boston. They come from everywhere — even from the south — even from Virginia. If Mr. Harms was an abolitionist, then what was he doing here at Belmont? Might it have something to do with slaves running away on that railroad that’s underground?
Monday, November 14, 1859
Hince came to Aunt Tee’s cabin after the dinner meal, none the worse for the beating he took. Licks heal fast on the outside, but they’re a whole lot harder to heal inside.
We could hear Rufus singing down in the Quarters, “Coming for to carry me home.”
Sunday, November 20, 1859
Today we had meeting in the Quarters same as always. I wore my new dress — Mama’s dress. Everybody say how nice I looked. I tried real hard not to be puffed up, but when Missy came, I just had to strut a little. “Pride go ’fore a fall,” Rufus whispered in my ear. Then he winked.
Hince came to meeting and sat ’side of Spicy. Wherever Spicy is these days, Hince aine far behind.
Rufus preached about Elijah who was taken to heaven in a fiery chariot. Home means freedom when we sing. So Rufus’s story is telling us, we’re going to go to freedom one day, soon. I thought about Mr. Harms and the one-eyed man, and the Underground Railroad. Was somebody getting ready to run?
We closed singing —
Swing low, sweet chariot.
Coming for to carry me home.
Swing low, sweet chariot.
Coming for to carry me home.
I looked over Jordan and what did I see.
Coming for to carry me home.
A band of angels coming after me.
Coming for to carry me home.
Swing low, sweet chariot.
Coming for to carry me home.
Swing low, sweet chariot.
Coming for to carry me home.
Later
Wook came to Aunt Tee’s cabin late this evening to talk to us. Times had changed. We hardly knew what to say to each other any more. Wook did a good part of the talking — remembering mostly. She teased me about the time we were playing hiding, and I hide in some poison ivy. That made us all laugh. Then Wook said she had to go. “Good-bye,” she say, hugging Aunt Tee and Spicy. When she hugged me, she whispered softly. “Pray for me.”
I haven’t said anything to anybody. But Wook is getting ready to run — and the one-eyed man and Mr. Harms are probably helping her. Don’t know how I know it, but I do. I do.
Monday, November 21, 1859
Things have been in an uproar all morning. Mas’ Henley cain’t be reasoned with. I was right! Rufus, Aggie, Wook, and the baby ran away last night. They just up and flew away.
Mas’ Henley made a promise. “I’ll free anybody who brings me information about Rufus and who helped him. Think of it, your freedom. I swear it!”
This aine about no handkerchief. Mas’ Henley is promising freedom. If I told him everything I know about Mr. Harms and the one-eyed man, I could be free. Free. The idea is tempting. My God! I cain’t believe I just had that thought. How could I even think of doing such a thing? I couldn’t tell on Mr. Harms. I know there are people here at Belmont who would turn in their dear mamas for a piece of meat, let ’lone freedom. Lord, put that ugly idea out of my mind forever and ever. Amen.
Tuesday, November 22, 1859
Mas’ Henley and a group of men went out looking for Rufus and his family. Rufus was the only person who has ever dared to run away from Belmont and we wanted him to make it, even though we couldn’t say it — not even to each other. There was lots of singing about heaven — but we all know heaven is freedom.
Our hopes were cru
shed like fall leaves ’neath our feet when Mas’ Henley got back this evening. Mas’ Henley called all of us to him. He threw bloody pants and a shirt on the ground before us. “They’re dead.” He spat out the words like bad fruit. “All ’em. We had to shoot Rufus. The others drowned in the river, when the boat they was in turned over. Current took them under.”
Rufus? Aggie? Wook? Baby Noah — all dead! What happened to the railroad that takes slaves to freedom? Didn’t the one-eyed man help Rufus and his family?
From this day forward Mas’ Henley say we aine ’llowing no more Sunday meetings, and we cain’t speak of Rufus or any members of his family. Mas’ might be able to tell us what we can do with our bodies, but he cain’t tell me what to feel, what to think. I will remember Rufus and his family as long as I live — and he cain’t stop me!
Later that same night
Even though Mas’ Henley has forbidden us to gather, we mourned the loss of our friends in our own way. We raised our voices in song from our cabins in the Quarters, from the orchards and kitchen, wherever we were. We didn’t need to be together to share our grief. We sang our hurt. We clapped our sorrow. We never spoke their names, but we all knew we were mourning our own, Rufus and Aggie, Wook, and little Noah. They were free at last …
I got a robe, you got a robe,
All of God’s chullun got a robe.
A Picture of Freedom Page 8